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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ban him from Prom

66 replies

RachelRagged · 15/07/2015 12:45

I am asking for a friend . She will read these (forum phobic).

Her Son has a prom tomorrow (Primary leaving not Secondary/High)

Last night he was aggresive and rude and he was told if he carried on there would be no Prom . He carried on so she has stuck to her word. However, some school gate Mothers are telling her she's is "out of order" or "that's a shame, poor J" (initial only). Another said "Oh its only the one Prom as well" . which is shit as they of course have Proms when leaving Secondary

Was she BU ? I do not think so personally .

OP posts:

ASorcererIsAWizardSquared · 15/07/2015 12:47

nope, unless she can negotiate by allowing him to earn it back for something, she has to stick to her guns.

Sallystyle · 15/07/2015 12:49

Well, I most likely wouldn't have threatened him with the prom and would have found another consequence for his behaviour.

However, she warned him and he carried on so it is not like he didn't know in advance, so she has to stick to her word.

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 15/07/2015 12:51

A 'leaving primary' prom? Blimey.

I imagine he'll live without it. BUt maybe give him the chance to earn it back. Depends on his usual behaviour to be honest. If he's generally a good kid, then go a little easier.

Original poster

RachelRagged · 15/07/2015 12:54

Yes, quite, FirstWeTakeManhattan , Primary Prom . Some even hire limo's for it .

He has been acting her up for a while now and I think yesterday's events and eventual ban was the straw that broke the camels back so to speak. The DC himself is not even that fussed to be honest.

OP posts:

MissMuesli · 15/07/2015 12:56

I wouldn't have used prim as the punishment personally. It sounds like something said as a quick response to bad behaviour but not really thought through? The prom is to celebrate 6 years of school and saying old bye to friends and celebrating the start of a new chapter for the kids. I know for my childs school prom is really looked forward to and is also a reward for good behaviour throughout the year.

So as I say I wouldn't have used prom as a consequence in the first place but now that she has I would back track. Either give the child an opportunity to make amends (letter of apology etc) or by recognising that losing prim is an overpubishment and changing the consequence (loss of screen time or whatever would normally be used).

So yes I thibk your friend is being unreasonable in this case although I can see why she wants to stick to her word

MissMuesli · 15/07/2015 12:58

Ah we've just cross posted, if this has been going on a while then surely the loss of prom will be ineffective any way, how does she plan on getting through summer without any big treats available to cancel?

SaucyJack · 15/07/2015 13:02

Whatever happens now is her own fault for threatening consequences that were disproportionately severe to the "crime" committed.

It's end of term- most DCs are stroppy and argumentative. Cancelling the prom was completely OTT in my opinion.

Original poster

RachelRagged · 15/07/2015 13:07

Her DS is going abroad for 5 of the six weeks as he has GPs there. DF is going to join them at the beginning of week 3. Treats abound when staying with Granny and Grandad and he is pretty well behaved out there. He loves the sun and pool and mountain biking so I imagine she would ban any of those or at least warn him.

DF is of the 3 strikes opinion. Warned twice, third time that's it.

OP posts:

ghostyslovesheep · 15/07/2015 13:07

never make a threat you wont follow through with - she's got to now or at least negotiate a different punishment

It is an OTT reaction - this age - they are stroppy sods a lot of the time - removal of X-boxes, grounding, no access to the internet - all fair punishments - his 'prom' is only once - he may not see these kids again if they go to different schools

I know it sounds naff to some (prom!) but it's the end of school leavers disco and to them it means a lot (I know I have a year 6 and year 7!)

takemetomars · 15/07/2015 13:33

WTaF! Primary school proms??? How utterly ridiculous
Agree, she has to stifk to her guns but she should not have chosen this occasion.

MNpostingbot · 15/07/2015 13:37

Disappointed, read that as you were banning him from Porn and wanted to feast on MN outrage that you let him in the first place.

Maybe she should let him go to the prom but ban him from porn instead.

Serious reply, tricky one this is, prom is a one-off and him not being in photos that will resurface on social media for 25 years is harsh. Kind of depends on the aggression though, if he was threatening violence to his mum then this might be one of the last chances to have an impact on him by not letting him go. I'm assuming this is the 16 yo prom and she's not got many years of leverage yet. If it was aggression as in shouting etc then maybe let him stew 24 hours and then let him go

MNpostingbot · 15/07/2015 13:38

*many years of leverage left

00100001 · 15/07/2015 13:44

never head of a primary prom! Heard of Year 6 Discos.. but not Proms with Limos!

He was warned, he's old enough to know to stop when asked. tough luck, He misses out.

00100001 · 15/07/2015 13:45

MNposting the child is SIX not Sixteen!

00100001 · 15/07/2015 13:45

ten/eleven* not sixteen

MagicMojito · 15/07/2015 13:51

Agree I think I would've tried a different avenue of punishment other than prom wtf @ a primary school prom anyway but now she has, she needs to stick to it.

MNpostingbot · 15/07/2015 14:15

Oops sorry, very inappropriate. Didn't spot or xposted the 6 yo ref.

Assumed prom was the same as all these limo events for the GCSE crowd. 6 yo having a prom...don't let him go on principle, regardless of behaviour! What happened to bringing games in on the last day of term.

00100001 · 15/07/2015 14:16

not six, sorry, Year 6, so 10/11

brassbrass · 15/07/2015 14:21

ew what a revolting concept, prom at primary

I think she'd be doing him a favour by banning him.

ghostyslovesheep · 15/07/2015 14:27

not sure what's 'revolting' about a disco for year 6's who are leaving for good?

It's a little good bye party - if some parents go OTT that's their choice surely - and the kids (at least in DD's school) call it prom - the school calls it a 'leavers disco'

They also bring in games on the last day if that helps

brassbrass · 15/07/2015 14:34

did I say revolting disco?

Original poster

RachelRagged · 15/07/2015 14:35

lol @ Porn .

Yep a Primary Prom. Invite and all printed to look like an invite card.

It has been going a few years .. My 14 year old once went to the school and no prom then . A Leaver Assembly, play and Disco they had.

OP posts:

ghostyslovesheep · 15/07/2015 14:37

ah semantics

I hope she relents OP - it would be a shame for him to miss it

Asheth · 15/07/2015 14:38

I think she ibu. This is a big event for his class and everyone will be talking about it. He will probably always remember missing it. Far better for punishments to be immediate in any case such as losing Xbox time, tv time etc.

She may also end up punishing herself as he is likely to spend the prom time being rude and aggressive if he is feeling angry at missing out. Then she'll have to think of another punishment and end up in a downward spiral.

This is a one off event, as the next prom will be 5 years away -forever in the eyes of a child and will involve different friends and less parental involvement.

Original poster

RachelRagged · 15/07/2015 14:39

Oh ghosty that took me back ..
Last day of the Summer Term in Primary was bring something in day, How we looked to forward to that . Incidentally when I left Primary we had a small scale party in the hall with music and traditional party type games, It was 1978 so disco, though coming in, was pretty newish still especially for a school. I think music was courtesey of a tape recorder or record deck , long time ago.

OP posts:

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