Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ban him from Prom

66 replies

RachelRagged · 15/07/2015 12:45

I am asking for a friend . She will read these (forum phobic).

Her Son has a prom tomorrow (Primary leaving not Secondary/High)

Last night he was aggresive and rude and he was told if he carried on there would be no Prom . He carried on so she has stuck to her word. However, some school gate Mothers are telling her she's is "out of order" or "that's a shame, poor J" (initial only). Another said "Oh its only the one Prom as well" . which is shit as they of course have Proms when leaving Secondary

Was she BU ? I do not think so personally .

OP posts:
morethanpotatoprints · 15/07/2015 14:42

She is out of order and should never have threatened this, completely OTT reaction that she may live to regret as he won't forget.
I can see why she has to follow through now, unless she explains to him that she was OTT and on reflection blar blar and even grown ups make mistakes.
There were lots of other punishments she could have chosen

Original poster
RachelRagged · 15/07/2015 14:44

No he wasn't violent to her but aggresive in tone. He had dropped an empty crisp packet on the living room floor even though he knows that rubbish goes in the bin that is in the corner of room. He did not pick it up but then he did , all fine . Later after drinking a orange juice capri sun type thing he done the same with the empty packaging as he had with the crisp packet and refused to pick it up ,, then began mimicking her voice. I believe that is when she warned him the consequence and he still mimicked,, second warning . Third time he had used his chances up.

OP posts:
SiobhanSharpe · 15/07/2015 14:47

What is he really going to miss? The girls will be dressed up to the nines, all made up and hoping to pass for fourteen and play kissing games, the boys will be baffled and just want to run amok like the 10-11 year olds that they are.

ghostyslovesheep · 15/07/2015 14:50

that's a very odd view of 10/11 year old girls Confused

I used to love bringing toys in and messing around - best day of the year Grin

Original poster
RachelRagged · 15/07/2015 14:51

He isn't even bothered about it is the thing. I mentioned above somewhere her DS couldn't care less. Was the final straw though as I said, the inevitable event happened to involve packets and attitude.

OP posts:
BumpAndGrind · 15/07/2015 14:53

She needs to stick to her word or let him earn it back.

When I was in school we didn't have proms. We had end of year discos.

WinterOfOurDiscountTents15 · 15/07/2015 14:54

Prom my arse, its the school disco by another name.

He was aggressive and rude and was warned about the consequences of continued behaviour. So no prom. Its not harsh, its not ott, its the only sensible thing to do.

WhereYouLeftIt · 15/07/2015 14:54

"The DC himself is not even that fussed to be honest."
All the more reason for her to stick to her guns. She's making a rod for her own back if she backs down, he'll never believe that she means what she says again.

ghostyslovesheep · 15/07/2015 14:56

well if he's not bothered it's not a punishment really Grin but yes she should stick to her guns then

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 15/07/2015 14:57

I wouldn't use something like the prom as a punishment.

Personally I'd backtrack, say I'd reconsidered and he could go but there would be a punishment.

I usually use removal of phone or Xbox, grounding or one that works well is no lifts to sports activities ( that works well as it's close enough for ds to walk but I give him a lift as he has a long day and I don't mind, but I refuse to give any child of mine a lift when he can't speak to me in a civil manner)

BleachEverything · 15/07/2015 14:58

I follow through with my threats, no matter how severe the consequence.

muminhants1 · 15/07/2015 16:01

I don't think she's being U. I said my ds couldn't go on a school trip to watch a cricket match a few weeks ago because of previous bad behaviour. Yes he was disappointed, it was a reasonably one-off opportunity, but he didn't go. My mum thought I was being harsh. I thought I was being harsh. But I didn't change my mind.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 15/07/2015 16:38

I don't get this following through no matter what. Part of being an adult is re assessing situations and dealing with them appropriately . It doesn't make you weak, it makes you less stubborn when you've dished out an overly harsh punishment.

chickenfuckingpox · 15/07/2015 16:46

he isnt bothered so i would make him miss it anyway and next time she needs to come up with a punishment he actually cares about

who gives a squirrel fuck what the mums at the gate think

backtracking will make her seem weak as hell and will not give her any joy in the long run

i dont think she is out of order i think he acted like a little shit and she called him on it

actions = consequences = life lesson learnt

muminhants1 · 15/07/2015 16:46

If you do it infrequently, yes. But if you constantly say you will punish in one way and then don't follow through, the child will learn that your threats are empty.

I am all for being able to earn something back, that wasn't possible in my case though.

Clutterbugsmum · 15/07/2015 16:53

She needs to carry out her threats otherwise all the child learns is it doesn't matter what mum say's she doesn't mean it.

travellinglighter · 15/07/2015 17:08

I once threatened my son to chuck his fifa game in the bin and followed it up only to rescue it later. A couple of months later I tried the same and he didn’t care so I offered to cut in half in front of him. He didn’t believe me but I did it in front of him. £40 down the drain but I’d said it so I had to do it.

Original poster
RachelRagged · 15/07/2015 17:19

Thank You everyone.

Update.

Friend phoned me to tell me when her DS came home he was stroppy as last night and is saying he IS going . Well to that she replied with if he does just walk out to go to Prom she will ring school to tell them not to allow him in. He laughed at her.

I personally think the child is used to his own way, He is the baby of the family of 5 and don't everyone just know it.

OP posts:
Maryz · 15/07/2015 17:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YellowTulips · 15/07/2015 17:35

Never threaten what you won't follow through on.....

I think it is a bit harsh though. I know its primary, but I assume most other kids will be there.

Perhaps offer (without losing face) an alternate (and equal) punishment and as her DS to choose which one to accept.

SaucyJack · 15/07/2015 17:37

And all over a Capri Sun carton on he floor?

Dear Lord. What's she going to do when he does something genuinely terrible? Have him taken out the back and shot?

Consequences need to fit the crime IMO. Once you get to the point when you're screeching dire threats at the kids for not very much then you've lost it yourself.

SaucyJack · 15/07/2015 17:38

Not that I haven't been there myself- before I sound like a complete and utter prick.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 15/07/2015 17:41

It has nothing to do with the mums at the school gate. They are not rearing him or bearing the brunt of his rudeness and aggression.

I applaud her for sticking to her guns

TantrumsAndBalloons · 15/07/2015 17:45

I don't get this whole "you must follow through on every punishment" thing

I've said some truly over the top things in the heat of the moment to my 3, once I calmed down and actually thought about it, I didn't have a problem saying look, I was very angry that you did x but saying you have to go to bed at 6pm for the next year might have been a bit over the top.
Use it as an opportunity to set boundaries, to have a discussion with him and let him say his piece.

We all make mistakes. Being a parent doesn't mean we are always right and I don't think it's a bad thing for children to see that mum doesn't always get it right but she can admit she made a mistake and change things.

laundryelf · 15/07/2015 17:49

Totally agree with Maryz, I think the ban from prom is excessive. He is upset about it and showed it by being stroppy tonight. Your friend needs to find a way to have him earn back the right to go to prom. All the kids will have been talking about it at school, getting excited and he has had to listen to that, feeling sad and left out.
It's common for kids to say stuff like well I wasn't bothered anyway as a defence against showing how upset they are, especially boys who are still being pressured by peers into not showing their feelings in case they are laughed at.

Your friend needs different strategies for dealing with challenging behaviour that do not escalate minor incidents like this. She doesn't sound like an experienced mum of five, is this her only boy?

I really hope she finds a way to let him go.

Swipe left for the next trending thread