To have a favourite child

[Gwenci]

I know iabu but I can't help it.

DD is horrible. She's 22 months which I know is a difficult age but from the very start she's been difficult. As a newborn she cried constantly but hated to be held, wriggling and kicking to be put down.

Now she's a toddler it's even worse. She doesn't talk but instead wails to get what she wants. She'll be doing one thing, decides she wants to do something else and immediately just scream. Like a banshee. As soon as I figure out what the problem is the noise stops. Until the next thing comes up. I hate caving in to the wailing but she just won't communicate any other way.

Other mums laugh at her feistiness and say how funny she is. I smile along but I swear it's starting to grind me down. She fights me on everything - getting dressed, shoes, going in the buggy/walking. I know that's toddler behaviour but this is absolutely constant from the minute she gets up to bedtime. She also hates affection and won't cuddle me or let me kiss her.

To add to this, I've got a 3 month old DS and he is utterly adorable. He barely cries, he's such a happy, contented little soul. When he sees me his face lights up in a massive grin and he gurgles. He loves cuddles but is also happy in his bouncy chair.

DD began this morning crying - stepping up the wailing when I went in to get her and it hasn't really stopped since.

AIBU to just want to hide upstairs and cuddle DS?

I think you're being horrible, sorry.

I can never remember a time when my mother hasn't had an issue with me, right from being a toddler. My sister was such an angel, in reality she was a bitch, my brother was the golden child because he was the longed for boy. I was pushed away from when he was born at when I was 2. I can remember her saying I was "difficult" and "naughty", I was a little child. She never changed to the point that she carried it through to my children, hence I don't see or speak to her.

There is no way on this earth that I could pick out one of my childre as a favourite. It's so, so wrong.

Your OP could have been about my 21 month old. She's a bugger. Has been since birth. The opposite of content! She sleeps well is the best thing I have to say about her. If she's not asleep, she's screaming. Her speech has been slower to develop than my elder daughter and I wonder if that might be the problem. She has about 30 / 40 words but she's not linking any of them together yet. So if she can't say it, she points and screams.

My DS was the same - he's 7 now and still has his moments but I love him to bits - he's funny, kind, sensitive, very bright and curious about everything. DD in the middle (4 now) was, and still is an angel.

You have my sympathy.

I think it is normal to have one child who is easier going when they are babies/toddlers. However keep trying with your DD. Also don't assume that your DS will always be the easy going one. I hardly disciplined my youngest at all/probably slightly spoiled them being grateful they were so much easier. Guess which child I find more challenging several years on! Having reread your post I would consult a HV over your daughter's behaviour to see if they can observe/advise any strategies to try. I have never experienced a child that cries that much and would find it hard to cope with. Also keep trying to give her hugs and cuddles. Does she like music? I used to put a children's music CD on for my daughter at that age and she loved standing and clapping to the music.

My dd was my younger child and I have always said that if she had been first she would have been an only. Screaming tantrums for no discernible reason every single day. Her brother was a sweetie from day one.
Then they grew up.
I acquired a spotty, surly male teenager and a lively, loving tomboy.
Then they became adults.
I have two wonderful people in my life. A woman who is daughter, friend, a light in my life and a man, my son, who is caring, supportive and kind. I would be poorer beyond measure without them. I'd have sent dd back a thousand times when she was two but now thank God I wasn't able to.

I have also had the experience of being the elder child by 21 months and it wasn't easy. I always felt as a child that my younger brother was the favourite and I felt even more left out when my sister was born some years later. Therefore it is so important to keep trying with your dd.

Fwiw, with my previous post I said you'll ruin her for life, not ruin her life. Meaning that if you do favour one child, whether you think you are or not, she will grow up feeling that you don't like her. Having rtft though I can see that you aren't doing that, and I understand it must be difficult at times for you. I am just speaking from very very bitter experience

It is hard when one child seems to be much easier than the other. My ds2 is much harder work, he's much more likely to be crying and clingy. It's hard as my older son was always more content and generally relaxed about everything.
I would say I do not have a favourite though, ds2 might be harder work but he is much cuddlier!
Op, you are at least aware of your feelings and as much as its tempting to retreat to the sole company of the child who is easier to be around I think you know you won't really. Keep coming back here to vent if needed!

It's hard isn't it. Mine are similar age difference to yours and the baby was so easy and the toddler less so so I often feel like you

I don't get the impression that op has a favourite, she is finding her little girl very challenging so she is naturally feeling down about it, an resenting her a bit for her behaviour. With a young baby to boot, it cannot be easy at all. I was lucky, there was 5 years between my two, and dd was at school for 6 hours a day, which made it a lot easier.

Yes to whoever said don't assume one will always be the most laid back. My eldest simply did not like being a baby. And let us know. At 2 was the most adorable little thing ever (different story at 3 but we'll gloss over that). Youngest as a tiny baby was so easy I. Comparison that I used to wonder why the eldest couldn't have been like that and think how much better my mat leave would have been. Once the youngest was 2 I found myself realising why they are called the terrible twos while the eldest happily did drawing, looked at books and played...I think we have to be careful not to get into the idea that a child is a particular way too much. I find e.g. MiL still thinks the younger is more laid back, and that assumption can change the way a child is treated.

Gwenci, my second is a delightful child until he can't get his own way then he hits. He also has speech delays. at 2 years 8 months, it's quite concerning

it's 18 weeks from referral (by the team at the "walk in talk in" speech therapy clinic) for him to actually be seen, so be prepared for a wait for anything to happen

I had one like that and now she's three she will sometimes say in frustration "I can't say it really much!" She's very independent and I think it just drove her nuts not being able to do what she wanted and not being able to signal what was wrong either. I found that what helped a bit was naming the emotion for her - "oh DD2, you're so ANNOYED, this is so ANNOYING!" sort of thing, and also as you know having whiplash-quick reactions whenever anything is wrong . At this age I don't think you're really training up a whiner by trying to meet her wants, that kicks in at about 2 and a half IME.

DD2 is now very cuddly also, and that kicked in at about 2 and a half as well. She might surprise you Nothing wrong with finding it all deeply frustrating though.

What I'm wondering here is how do you feel about your DDs behaviour. Forgetting about DS for a minute. Her behaviour sounds challenging, definitely. You mention her speech possibly being a little slower coming than her peers, and the lack of affection. What's your gut feeling - have you ever wondered if something might be wrong, beyond just a strong personality? It's impossible to say just from a post, obviously - but I think this 'favourites' thing might be a distraction. I wouldn't say a complete dislike of affection was standard behaviour for a baby or toddler. (Though very happy to be told I'm wrong, I'm definitely not an expert). In any case it sounds like you are doing a great job in pretty challenging circumstances..!

Ps 'wrong' really wasn't the right word to use... I basically meant if she might benefit from additional support

She sounds like my dd at that age so I totally understand why you are struggling!!

My dd has recently been diagnosed as having some sensory processing difficulties which explains why things like clothes, foods, transitions were such big issues as well as why play dates, soft play and days out all ended up being very stressful!!

From what you have said I suspect your dd may have similar issues plus have you had her hearing checked?

I just want to urge anyone reading this and agreeing with the OP to completely ignore throughthickandthin's advice.

Disliking one child/feeling a distinct preference for one - especially following the birth of a baby - should absolutely be speaking to someone about their feelings. PND is ignored by sufferers in so many cases because women feel like monsters for not doting on all of their children all of the time.

We should be encouraging women to talk about these feelings and, if needed, seek support.

OP, after DS2 was born, everything toddler DS1 did grated on me. He was too loud, too rough, too demanding, just too much. As DS2 got bigger, he stopped seeming like some kind of giant thug, but it was tough, so tough. for you.

It's normal and fine. It's one of the last taboos. I love my children equally. I like them variably. They are 17 and 20 now.

DS was a lovable baby and teenager. DD wasn't particularly. DS was vile as a teenager; dd no trouble at all and adorable.

I don't have a favourite, I don't particularly like either of mine

OP, this doesn't sound like typical toddler behaviour. yes, they cry, they tantrum etc but it seems to be constant with your DD.

Dd1 was like that (difficult baby, difficult toddler - it was relentless). she also only had few words and could not communicate. she has later been dx with severe ASD. not saying this must be the case with your DD though.

is she understanding language and only late in talking? how does she communicate with you? pointing etc? would probably have a word with the HV or go to a drop in Salt clinic if you have one locally.

If it's any consolation, it won't be long before she starts talking and she'll be transformed then. My two didn't speak until about 25 - 26 months, and the wailing and pointing was awful.

I suppose so long as your favourite is your own child, and not someone else's, then no harm is done. Just keep it secret.

Have you had her ears checked? (Sorry if this has already been mentioned). My DD was exactly like this at the same age. I thought that it was just her personality but it turned out that she had glue ear in both ears.

She was very frustrated, also had pain from frequent infections & it explained why her speech was a bit behind. When she grew out of this, she was like a different person and actually turned out to be a very calm & kind little girl. I wished that I'd looked into sooner, instead of just putting her behaviour down to 'toddler tantrums'.

Thanks again everyone, most of you have been so kind and your advice has been brilliant.

Whilst I'm sorry for everyone who's having/has had, a similar experience with relentless toddlers, I can't describe how relieved I feel that I'm not alone!!!

I'm definitely going to look in to the speech and also hearing (though I swear she can hear a biscuit packet being opened at 50m so not sure it's that! But my nephew is deaf in one ear so definitely something to look into.)

For posters suggesting possible ASD etc, I can definitely see why my op suggests that. I have to say, I don't have a gut feeling leaning that way. I honestly think it's just an exceptionally strong-willed personality coupled with frustration. She doesn't have a problem interacting in social situations (soft play etc), she eats anything and change doesn't seem to bother her. She will sort of be affectionate on her own terms. I think she mostly finds it funny to push my face away with both hands when I try to kiss her!

She's in bed now, as am I (thankfully!) Tomorrow is another day.

Honestly, thank you all so much for your kind words, understanding and advice. It's made a shit day better. And I'll be re-reading a lot of this the next time I'm feeling like crap.

That's great, certainly go to the speech drop in so tgat a SALT can see her speech. for you.

Well your boy is seemingly easier than your girl, and they whoever they are say the easiest one is always your favourite.
I guess it is only human nature. The key thing is though never let your dd know she is the least favoured child