To have a favourite child

[Gwenci]

I know iabu but I can't help it.

DD is horrible. She's 22 months which I know is a difficult age but from the very start she's been difficult. As a newborn she cried constantly but hated to be held, wriggling and kicking to be put down.

Now she's a toddler it's even worse. She doesn't talk but instead wails to get what she wants. She'll be doing one thing, decides she wants to do something else and immediately just scream. Like a banshee. As soon as I figure out what the problem is the noise stops. Until the next thing comes up. I hate caving in to the wailing but she just won't communicate any other way.

Other mums laugh at her feistiness and say how funny she is. I smile along but I swear it's starting to grind me down. She fights me on everything - getting dressed, shoes, going in the buggy/walking. I know that's toddler behaviour but this is absolutely constant from the minute she gets up to bedtime. She also hates affection and won't cuddle me or let me kiss her.

To add to this, I've got a 3 month old DS and he is utterly adorable. He barely cries, he's such a happy, contented little soul. When he sees me his face lights up in a massive grin and he gurgles. He loves cuddles but is also happy in his bouncy chair.

DD began this morning crying - stepping up the wailing when I went in to get her and it hasn't really stopped since.

AIBU to just want to hide upstairs and cuddle DS?

My second child was like you describe your first. When I returned to work the nanny labelled her "the little screamer" so it wasn't just my perception of her: she was difficult. DD1 was, in contrast, v v v easy going.

Fast forward a few years and DD2 is so engaging, funny and interesting. She is still very feisty and stubborn but she also has chard amd huge agnation and I am mesmerised by her. Her sister is still v v easygoing and lovely but less interesting to parent in some respects. So basically your children can change and your feelings can change (as I constantly remind myself with regards our third). Hang on in there OP!

Ds 3.5 is exact opposite, calm, happy, dies not have the issues that dd has. I thank goodness there is a big age gap between them of I would have felt like you. Dd is so winderful now, she goes to a special Autistic school and is calm happy and achieving. I am not saying yiur dd us Autistic, just that you get see a professional.

Ahh, mughandle, you made me a bit teary with your post!

That's totally it. I promise I'm not ruining DD, and you're right, I don't really love her any less. Just as Snakey says, I think DD and I just have a much more complex relationship.

It means when I do get a smile, or a 'mummy' from her, it makes my day!

Chard and huge agnation????!
I meant charm and huge imagination!

LilyMay, you're right. Most people have been exceptionally nice and supportive! I have to say, I was braced for a flaming. Thank you for not delivering mumsnet!

For anyone concerned that I'm ruining DD's life, I've just had forced a massive cuddle with her (she giggled as she pushed me off so I'm taking that as a win!)

I honestly love her to the ends of the earth, it was just a very shit morning that you lovely people have made infinitely better, thank you!

It sounds as though you need a bit more support. Having a toddler and a newborn is really difficult, do you have anyone around that can help? Also do you have a children's centre nearby? I found mine invaluable for support and advice.

My DD was an awful baby and toddler. I really didn't like her very much due to having to constantly be walking on egg shells waiting for the red mist to descend on her.

She's nearly 9 now and, although still feisty and harder work than her old older brother, she is so loving, considerate, comical and massively full of empathy for other people.

It's hard to think you could still have years with your DD being how she is but there is a light at the end of the tunnel honestly xx

Omg toddler and newborn. Two whole years just a blur. Take each day as it comes and go easy on yourself it (usually) gets much easier.

Dd1 as a 2 year old was awful -to me. Hitting, scowling used to get really upset by it. Stage passed she's now a delightful thoughtful 8 year old

Op my best friend has the same situation with genders reversed. It's been incredibly hard for her. Her ds has now been diagnosed ASD which has been helpful in a lot of ways. That's not to say your dd will be as obviously many children go through tricky behaviours but in any case It has been really hard for the whole family not to obviously favour their dd who is so calm, cheerful and affectionate.

Sounds like my DD2 though she is very affectionate - massive drama queen stuck between two laid back siblings. But she is funny and imaginative and perceptive and compassionate, and for all our ups and downs I adore her.

Have you had her hearing tested, OP? Can affect speech and hugely frustrating for the child. And not at all easy to spot.

My DD1 was hard going as a tot and demanded attention 24/7 whereas DD2 was laid back and easy. Now DD1 is aged 22 and is feisty, fun and very smart. To get there i had to channel all her excess energy in a positive way but it was hard work.

DD2 is aged 17 now and is still calm, placid and easy but also infuriating at times because she always has her head in the clouds.

Both are lovely but very different girls and if i had to pick a favourite i think DD1 might pip DD2 to the post because she is the most like me and i can really relate to her.

Just stick in there OP. It gets better. It really does.

Glad you're feeling better.

Having thought about it, one piece of advice I would give you from when I had my first two DDs (20 months apart) is to not get into the trap of having unreasonable expectations of your DD just because she's "the oldest"

She's still very very little. And there's hope for her yet.

I have a DD who was just like your DD. Total fecking nightmare of a child. She never talked, everything that came out of her mouth was a scream, a whine, a sob or a shout. She seemed unable to talk normally. She was filled with anger and aggression the whole time. She was an utter nightmare to handle yet everybody doted on how cute she was.

Now she is 4 she is a lot better to deal with. I think she just had problems expressing herself.

And i loved her siblings more than her until i had to race DD to hospital after an accident and suddenly realised i loved her just as much as the others but she just didn't allow me to love her the way i wanted to love her as she hated being handled and hugged.

Hang in there OP, it will get better. And as one American mom told me in a park one day "she's a tough child to handle but she is the sort of kid who will major in two subjects in college and excel in every sport. Just hang in there, the best is yet to come with a child like that, she is a blessing"

Op if you are concerned about her speech, go to a SALT drop in at your local hospital, call up the speech therapy department there and find out when it is. They will be able to help, and if they are concerned they will do assessments, and put you in contact with other professionals that could help.

My DD is strong willed, relentless and hard work and didn't sleep through the night until she was three! So I now how you feel. My son is gentle, calm and kind.

I found this book very helpful. It's so important to try and stay positive. Good luck!

www.amazon.co.uk/Calmer-Easier-Happier-Parenting-Revolutionary/dp/144472990X

If my DD had been my first, we joke she would have been our last. Horrendous most of the time for the first few years.

DS on the other hand, was one of those babies born having already read the textbook.

A few years down the line they are both as beautiful, loving, polite and engaging as each other and I love them completely. Good luck OP, this will pass I am certain.

I agree with seeing your health visitor, my DS2 had delayed speech issues and used to get so frustrated. The sooner you can get this noted by a professional, the easier it will be for speech therapy etc later on if required. I do understand how hard it is.

They all go through phases and I definitely have periods of finding one child easier than the other. Doesn't mean I have a favourite. Can your split time with your dh at all so that she can get some mummy time to herself. We found it really helped for dh to take the baby for a walk while I did something specific with the older one like painting or a game, even just for 20mins or so after tea.

Thanks again all, I think I might give the Speech & Language drop-in at my local children's centre a try. Can't hurt. She has a few words, just nothing useful! (Doesn't say 'drink', or 'hungry' but doesn't stop saying 'cat' or 'bubble'!) (we don't have a cat.)

Splitting time is a nice idea but DH commutes for work so he leaves at 6.30am and gets back at 7.30pm. Which doesn't help.

LOL at not having anymore! DD was obviously our first...I always said no more...DS wasn't entirely planned! But he's an absolute blessing.

NOT a favourite blessing...!

I understand what you're saying. Toddlers, especially the more difficult ones (I had one myself) can be very difficult to love.

Small babies on the other hand, with their simple needs, are so much easier. They can't throw screaming tantrums or run off. I'm not surprised you prefer DS

But he's not your favourite. One day he'll be a horrible toddler and DD will be easier.

Yes please do, they are fantastic, if they are concerned they will refer you to their clinic

I always tell my three I am an equal opportunity hater and that my favourite will always be whoever is quietest that day. that'll be none of them then
My DS was as you described but now, aged two, we have the No nappy, no hairbrush, no teeth time, no 'jamas, histrionics and my God, is it wearing.
If you google Daily mash favourite child, the spoof article about parents finding all their kids, unfavourable might cheer you up

Yes dd was so hard, I was in tears most of the time with her, I did not enjoy her at all. Her speech was ok, but due to her ASD she had very high anxiety, could not wait for things (still finds that hard but much easier now), screaming crying. I used to wish her life away, and my friends toddlers were not like this, why me kind of thing. I am glad that you are visiting the Speech drop in, it will be exteremly useful for you.