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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think downsizing would set us free?

62 replies

AuntieMeemz · 14/07/2015 22:05

We have a lovely, big house in a lovely area, now subsidised (due to husbands illness and low paid job) by his parents. MIL is clinically (probably)insane and the worst bully I have ever met in my life, and getting worse. It's almost driven me to a breakdown.

If we sell our house, move to a smaller one, and live mortgage free, would it get them out of our lives? We'd still have to see them. If we moved without telling them, you would hear the screaming abuse at the other end of the country. They have a point, the house is an investment but I can't go on anymore.

OP posts:
lougle · 14/07/2015 22:07

YANBU. Do it.

Sorka · 14/07/2015 22:09

YANBU. Move. Be free. FREEEEDOM!!!

prepperpig · 14/07/2015 22:10

Absolutely do it. Adults being financially supported by parents can work in some very limited situations but in others it can be disastrous and very stressful. It sounds like your situation is the latter.

ASettlerOfCatan · 14/07/2015 22:11

Do you need the big house? If the answer is no do it. Unless I needed the space I would rather live in a smaller house beholden to no one, especially if my husband was ill. Reduce your stress. If mil is ahem volatile you could loose that support at any time. Not worth the what if imo.

Hellionsitem2 · 14/07/2015 22:11

Yep. Do it. They can always reinvest their money elsewhere.

You can always tell her that you planned to downsize to make bills lower and to simplify your life financially.

How is she a bully?

DoJo · 14/07/2015 22:11

What's the good of a nice house if you can't enjoy it due to emotionally abusive behaviour on the part of people who you are beholden to?

Hellionsitem2 · 14/07/2015 22:12

Let us help you look. How much would you like to spend and where would you like to live?

WhereYouLeftIt · 14/07/2015 22:19

If they're currently subsidising you, that may well make them feel that boundaries no longer exist. once they're not, it may be easier to raise them again. But, if you're dealing with someone who is 'insane', that might not be enough.

"If we moved without telling them, you would hear the screaming abuse at the other end of the country." But would you give a shit, if they didn't have your address?

TipseyTorvey · 14/07/2015 22:23

I would leave in a heartbeat. Life is too short to be miserable and your home should be your haven where you can shut the door against anyone you don't want inside. I'd rather have a one bedroom hovel than put up with what you're describing. Have you tried writing a pro and con list maybe to clear your head?

DixieNormas · 14/07/2015 22:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
AuntieMeemz · 14/07/2015 22:23

Hellionsitem2 - well, her favourite thing is to demand that we go to family events, and she keeps on demanding until we go.'Oh you MUST be there it's XX moral reason. If you don't come you are selfish, heartless, you think you are better than anyone else, you think you can do without us BUT LET ME TELL YOU THIS...if DH gets ill again, we will NOT help you.

For many years, we have just gone along, and suffered. In the last couple of years we have only seen them 3 times a month. If we tell her about something we plan to do, she points her finger in my face and rants and rants and rants. At family gatherings she will suddenly shout at the top of her booming voice across the room at me to do or not do something. I either flare up and tell her what for, which results in her ranting and screaming the most awful abuse at me, or say nothing. Then the next day, she is on the phone, being all nice, and I feel awful. Or we go to the event and feel awful because she is being so nice to us. Then BAM in the face comes the abuse, or command.
I have tried to talk to her (utterly pointless) saying your ways can cause offence etc, but she says OH!!dear, I had no idea you are such a delicate little flower.

OP posts:
knackered69 · 14/07/2015 22:27

Is your dh on board? Sounds awful !

Original poster
AuntieMeemz · 14/07/2015 22:30

Oh forgot to mention, she often says 'OH can't you just be more forgiving? Can't you take criticism? Do you think you are such a perfect parent that you don't need MY advice?

Well erm no, you see, no-one in my life has ever behaved this way towards me so I haven't had any practice.

OP posts:
PeanutsOnTheFloor · 14/07/2015 22:31

Three times a MONTH??! Wow - why are you putting up with that? Of course you should downsize.

Original poster
AuntieMeemz · 14/07/2015 22:31

knackered69 - luckily DH is totally on board, and is happy to move but erm thinks well, it won't be long before the grim reaper comes a'callin'. He thinks it might be more worthwhile to sit it out.

OP posts:
Janethegirl · 14/07/2015 22:33

I'd try to get clear of her control, if that means downsizing and your DH agrees I'd definitely look around with a view to selling and getting a smaller mortgage free place.

Original poster
AuntieMeemz · 14/07/2015 22:34

Well I got the Estate Agent round today, we are all signed up and ready to go..... but my children were born here,and it's a lovely house in a lovely area...

OP posts:
LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 14/07/2015 22:34

3 times a month! I only see my dm once a month and we get on fine!

Sell it. It will be better for DH's health, get a little house or flat and be free!

Janethegirl · 14/07/2015 22:34

These old witches go on forever unfortunately. How old is she and how old were her parents when they died? It may give you an indicator to her likely life expectancy.

Original poster
AuntieMeemz · 14/07/2015 22:37

PeanutsOnTheFloor - mainly because I'm too worn down to fight her off every time she says 'you must come/let us come to you' because....'Well if you can't see us then, we can come to you on''...'we have xx for DS or xx for DDxxx, there is a concert DS would love to see, you mustn't stand in the way of that'..etc.

OP posts:
knackered69 · 14/07/2015 22:37

Auntie - life is too short for that -the grim reaper might go on a sabbatical - sorry -I sound really flippant Blush

knackered69 · 14/07/2015 22:39

And jane phrased it better than I!

Original poster
AuntieMeemz · 14/07/2015 22:39

Janethegirl - oh what a lovely thought, her mother died at 75 but she was an alcoholic.

OP posts:
SonjasSister · 14/07/2015 22:40

Wow she sounds - um - hard work. I doubt if getting out from under would dpare you all the threats and unpleasantness but you'd be free(er) to call her bluff. I don't think I could bear being beholden to someone like that, if I could possibly manage to avoid it.

You haven't said what dh thinks about it all though?

SonjasSister · 14/07/2015 22:40

Sory, oddly delayed cross post!