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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think downsizing would set us free?

62 replies

AuntieMeemz · 14/07/2015 22:05

We have a lovely, big house in a lovely area, now subsidised (due to husbands illness and low paid job) by his parents. MIL is clinically (probably)insane and the worst bully I have ever met in my life, and getting worse. It's almost driven me to a breakdown.

If we sell our house, move to a smaller one, and live mortgage free, would it get them out of our lives? We'd still have to see them. If we moved without telling them, you would hear the screaming abuse at the other end of the country. They have a point, the house is an investment but I can't go on anymore.

OP posts:

Janethegirl · 14/07/2015 22:40

Thanks knackered

Apatite1 · 14/07/2015 22:41

I'd be out like a shot!

Hellionsitem2 · 14/07/2015 22:43

Make sure you are about a 40 mins drive away from them

Original poster

AuntieMeemz · 14/07/2015 22:43

knackered69- tee hee! Knowing my luck, The Grim Reaper could come far too late! (Didn't think you were being flippant, you made me smile).

I'm sure plenty of people would do her in for a few bob. e.g.her poor DH who she attacks in the most humiliating way.

OP posts:

MrsJorahMormont · 14/07/2015 22:46

If you're at the stage where you are fantasising about her death, you seriously need to get a grip and move. Otherwise the stress is going to put you in an early grave while the old baggage keeps marching on!

Original poster

AuntieMeemz · 14/07/2015 22:49

Maybe I could get a sign for their house, like the 'Santa please call here' ones and put 'Grim Reaper PLLLLEEEASE call here.

OP posts:

Original poster

AuntieMeemz · 14/07/2015 22:51

MrsJorahMormont- you have a point. I'm sure our house will sell quickly at a good price, so I'll concentrate my thoughts on my new life.

OP posts:

VenusRising · 14/07/2015 22:53

Sorry auntie, but I do t think any distance will be any use.

There's still the problem of your MIL, and the phone knows no miles.

I think you need to have assertiveness training, and stay put.
You won't get rid of her by moving house. You need to change yourself and leatprn how to handle yourself against such a woman, and learn how to go no contact if you need to.

Be prepared to have to pay her back if you do move. She'll likely be keeping tabs on every penny she's given. You won't get off lightly.

Have counselling and assertiveness training and learn how to set boundaries.
a move may seem the obvious solution, but I don't think so.

EchoesOfLeon · 14/07/2015 22:54

Yes life is too short, move and do it on your own terms! Who knows when she will croak it but don't spend your life waiting on something you can't control.

DoJo · 14/07/2015 22:56

Your children may have been born in your current house, but your next house will be the one where they get to enjoy their freedom! I think anyone would swap the house where they were born for one where they didn't have their parents treated as you describe (even if they don't see it all). If this situation carries on, your children will suffer too.

WhereYouLeftIt · 14/07/2015 23:10

"He thinks it might be more worthwhile to sit it out."
Nah. As the saying goes, only the good die young. Better to take control than cede it to fate.

notquitehuman · 15/07/2015 02:22

Move. Move before your children start to think that this is acceptable behaviour. Move before they get old enough to be emotionally manipulated and bullied by her. The size of your home doesn't matter when you consider how miserable you are.

MistressDeeCee · 15/07/2015 06:49

Id move like a shot. No way would I be financially beholden to anyone like this. Yes you have a lovely big house but enduring a miserable life for it, isn't the way.

Will moving solve the problem though? If you let your MIL dictate and interfere in your life, and accept bad behaviour from her then, whats going to change re. you doing that? Move house by all means but you do need to tackle the situation with her alongside that

GoblinLittleOwl · 15/07/2015 08:53

It sounds as though both of you are reluctant to leave; are you able to contribute to the family income so that you are not financially dependent on your in-laws?
Down-sizing won't solve the problem unless you resist the influence your mother-in-law appears to exert; not shouting matches or showdowns, but simply ignoring her opinions and building your own life without so much family involvement.

ElviraCondomine · 15/07/2015 09:12

I'd move. That would be the first step to standing up to her. Then you won't feel obliged because of the financial contribution. It is easier to be strong when you don't , because you are a decent human being, feel beholden.

Do it!

ThatBloodyWoman · 15/07/2015 09:14

Don't think about it any longer -just do it.

Original poster

AuntieMeemz · 15/07/2015 09:18

DH has hit on a brilliant idea, which might lead to a win win situation. As you mention MistressDeeCee , what happens if moving doesn't solve the problem? So DH's idea is brilliant (rent out our big house and rent a smaller house). The lettings company are coming today!
Her behaviour won't stop or change, but we'd not loose out by refusing to go to family gatherings.
VenusRising - you have a good point too. We can't get her out of our lives completely, and what if we give up all we love, we'd still have the same behaviour to deal with. I think assertiveness training will really help.
WhereYouLeftIt - your post got me thinking about taking control back. Somewhere along the line, I've lost control.
There are no issues about dominance or control in my family, so I'm at a loss to deal with it in DHs. In our family, we just go about our business!

OP posts:

WhereYouLeftIt · 15/07/2015 09:25

That does sound very workable! Good luck with the agent today.

horseygeorgie · 15/07/2015 09:28

I'm going to be unpopular.

So, Your PiL are subsidising you living in a big house, wanting you to go to family events like you to visit.
When you can't visit them they then tell you they will come to you on another date.
They buy things for your children and take them places they would like to go.

They sound AWFUL.

They 'rant' if you make plans. Could it not just be that THEY have the pressure of keeping the roof over your head and when you talk about plans you have it is a bit insensitive?! Why should they fork out to pay for your house if you are going off on outings?!

Yes she sounds like she is a bit of a difficult person but to be so callous about her death is awful. You obviously can't stand her and perhaps you should tell her so she can stop subsidising the life of someone who thinks that little about her.

horseygeorgie · 15/07/2015 09:30

and the amount of posters commenting on how good it would be if she died is bloody horrible. You don't even KNOW this woman and all you know of this situation is the posts made by someone on the other side of a computer screen.

Dowser · 15/07/2015 09:31

Renting out sounds good. Are you planning to move further away from them so visiting is more difficult.

PurpleHairAndPearls · 15/07/2015 09:38

I would look at my own behaviour if I was happy to take money from someone to subsidise me living in my nice big house, whilst wishing they would die.

I say this as someone who is NC with a MIL for very good reasons indeed so I fully understand that some people don't deserve to be in your life. I wouldn't take money from her, however, whilst slating her and hoping she would die (presumably so you can get your hands on the lot).

horseygeorgie · 15/07/2015 09:40

purplehair Thought I was going a bit mad there!

paxtecum · 15/07/2015 09:48

You need to be completely financially independent.

I'd sell the lovely big house and but a smaller house for cash

The lovely big house is a millstone around your necks.
Do you have a back up plan if the tenants miss a month or two months rent?

Timetodrive · 15/07/2015 09:51

As someone who has rented out their property (when moving in with DP) it can be a risky gamble and I would not advise if you are short of money. Renting out properties is best when you do not need the income so if for any reason there is a bad month you can cover it. Forgetting the morgage could you cover the maintenance that comes with being a landlord.

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