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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To chuck it all in and become a SAHM?

88 replies

timeforacheckup · 14/07/2015 15:59

I currently have 2dc (18mnths and 4.5yrs) and work part time. If dc are ill it is generally me that has to take time off to look after them (due to dh be self employed - very tricky for him to have time off as if not working no pay). We've had a run of sickness recently and so I've had to take quite a bit of time off and work are understandably getting annoyed.
I get so stressed when one of the dc are ill because I hate letting work down. We want to start trying for dc3 soon so it's not going to get any better and I just don't know what to do - I love working and would go mad cooped up at home and also worry that I'd never get back into work but I get so stressed about messing work around and worry what my absence record will be like for future job applications.
We have no other support network and the dc are both currently in nursery. IABU to think it would be best for everyone if I became a SAHM as I can't think of any other solutions.

OP posts:

Yarp · 14/07/2015 21:05

We are just suggesting that you see how it is being a SAHM with 2 children before you decide to be a SAHM with 3 children. But you don't seem to want to hear it so I'll bow out now...

howabout · 14/07/2015 21:07

No Yarp. I just said that having multiple DC is challenging for everyone no matter how you organise yourself and IME 3 is not much worse than 2 and life as a SAHM is not some utopian paradise.

TendonQueen · 14/07/2015 21:13

Is the plan to definitely be an SAHM if you have a third, or are you considering whether you could return to work again after that mat leave and use childcare?

paxtecum · 14/07/2015 21:14

If you have another DC, then the time you take off work to look after ill children will probably increase by 50%.

It certainly won't decrease.

Yarp · 14/07/2015 21:14

You said one more doesn't make a difference but then you said it does make a difference, which is relevant to the OP, who is thinking of being a SAHm, or who thinks if she doesn't then she'll be the one taking time off for those sequential illnesses.

Really am going now. Game of Thrones beckons

captainproton · 14/07/2015 21:28

Leaving the issue of a third child aside... I was in your shoes 9 months ago, I have 2 toddlers and we both worked full time. I was the only parent who could get slightly flexible hours so I shouldered all pick ups, sick days etc. not only did my boss (actually both our boss) hate me for it, we knew that if DH did any of it he would get tarred too. It was making me very ill, trying to juggle work and being there for the kids. Work were pushing me out the door and I left to become a sahm.

Anyway I had the same fears of going mad at home, and yes I would go mad at home on my own with 2 toddlers asking 'why?' And 'MUMMY!!!' Every 5 minutes, so I made a very special effort to get out every day, meet people (not just mums) and become part of the community.

I know any job I have in the future will probably never pay the same, but I don't care anymore.

We have got insurance for ill health and death for both of us, and DH has income protection insurance. These things help cover the worst situations. We have made a concerted effort to pay of all our debts apart from mortgage and we have a monthly budget which gives enough slack to cover things like a new tyres etc. we also have a savings cushion for big emergencies. DH also has a good enough pension scheme to cover both of us when he retires.

I would not recommend quitting or expanding your family without sound financial planning, especially in light of the budget. Think about the worst scenarios and what you would do.

Ericaequites · 14/07/2015 21:45

I am a third child. Don't have a third, as it makes everything outrageously complex.

qumquat · 14/07/2015 21:54

Agree with pps who say it makes no sense that you can afford to quit work but not to have dh take the odd day off to look after ill dc. His work is surely more flexible than yours, not less. Either way he should share the burden. Taking lots of days off is hard in any job; both parents should share out the days off if both work. If you wanted to be a SAHm I'd say go for it, but it doesn't sound like you do.

bstokegirl · 14/07/2015 22:55

What is the point in being your own boss if you are actually a slave? He needs to take control, set his hours, save for holiday times and leave and get with it. You can't take as much time off as you are doing and he probably wants you to carry on working, so what needs to give?

PipeDownSmallFry · 14/07/2015 23:03

If you can afford it, I would say do it. I was in a very similar situation last year. We are financially very lucky and I stopped work at Christmas. Don't really consider myself a SAHM as dc at nursery for majority of the week. Took me about 6 months to adjust, first thought I'd made a massive error giving up my job but have now settled into a routine. It's great. House always tidy, everything organised, not rushing around constantly and no childcare probs over the hols. Everyone is different, but it works for us.

rockybalboa · 14/07/2015 23:19

I did and I don't regret it at all. I hated my job but we moved to the other end of the country and I have my fingers in many other pies as well as looking after the DC (6, 4 and 2). My job made me miserable though and we can manage just fine on DH's salary alone. Different strokes for different folks though.

whereismagic · 14/07/2015 23:20

Would your full time salary cover a nanny? If you love your work so that much then you just go full time and hire a nanny. It will probably take up all your post-tax salary but you will keep working and your nanny should be able to cope with illnesses and holidays.

Raising children is a very important job and like any job it has exciting bits and boring bits. It's not terribly well regarded precisely because it is always done by women and somehow the fact that you love your children makes it less appreciated in comparison with caring for somebody else's children. If you become a SAHM your career will definitely take a hit as well as your earning power but you just balance it off with what is important for you.

Duckdeamon · 15/07/2015 07:12

OP is uncertain whether they can afford it: her DH is self employed and doing well at present but that's not a given for the future.

whereismagic · 15/07/2015 07:43

Nobody's financial circumstances are set in stone. People can loose jobs, jobs can become obsolete or moved far away. It's not only about self-employed people.

poocatcherchampion · 15/07/2015 08:06

What days do you work op?
If you work a little bit ovee lots of days then you may have to call in sick proportionally over more occasions.

If you could do the same hours over fewer days it might leave you in a better position.

Do you have flexibility to make up the work? What sort of role is it?

And yes can you afford a nanny?

Original poster

timeforacheckup · 15/07/2015 08:23

I work five mornings a week in an admin type role.
This thread has given me a lot to think about.

OP posts:

MuffMuffTweetAndDave · 15/07/2015 09:03

Seems the big issue you have here OP is that in order to have a 3rd, actually possibly even in order to keep things going with just 2, something is going to have to give. This is because 3 kids will produce more sick days between them. So either your DH is going to have to pick up some of the slack even though he doesn't get paid when not working, you're going to have to give up a job you enjoy, or you're going to have to try your luck with your employer even more. It seems that all of these are unattractive to you, so the question is which if any of them you're prepared to choose in order to have a 3rd child.

Agree it might be an idea to look at fewer, longer days also. Easier to reschedule things. Tbh I can see why your boss is getting pissed off with you: basically your work are being forced to carry the can because you and DH don't want him to take his fair share of sick days.

WhyOWhyWouldYou · 15/07/2015 10:10

It depends on things like:

whether or not you'd be happy
would DP see money he's bringing in as equal yours or not
whether you think you could get back into a similar role in the future - personally I don't think administration jobs are vastly affected by a few years out.

I do think if your going to TTC DC3 that it may be worth staying for paid mat leave then deciding but then again if work is causing stress maybe its not worth it.

Oh and also I understand why it's you that takes time off not your DP - not only does he loose pay for that, he could loose business by messing customers/clients about and worsen his reputation.

whereismagic · 15/07/2015 11:07

Another option is to find a good babysitting agency. They charge an arm and a leg but promise to find somebody within a tight time slot. I am not sure if they would be happy with children with D&V.

If you want to keep your CV current you can probably register for temping jobs on weekends throughout your stay at home phase, if you decide to go for it.

MuffMuffTweetAndDave · 15/07/2015 14:12

I think most of us get why OP is the one to take time off. It costs them less, DH is the breadwinner, OPs boss is tolerating it to at least some extent while DH clients may not at all. Clearly the best thing for their family. It's just that her work are drawing the very short end of the straw because of something that's really nothing to do with them.

whereismagic · 15/07/2015 15:11

It's interesting how many people in this thread identify with OP's colleagues or even her boss. The truth is that children need a lot of assistance for a long time and it's simply unrealistic to expect their parents to do everything with absolutely no inconvenience to anybody else.

cailindana · 15/07/2015 15:19

You enjoy working, and don't want to quit.

Your DH apparently can't take any time off.

You are struggling covering all of the sick days for your children.

Your proposed solution is to quit and have another child.

Am I missing something? I can't see how that solves your problem. As far as I can see it only makes it worse.

Original poster

timeforacheckup · 15/07/2015 15:30

I'm not having another child as a proposed solution - we have always intended to have 3dc.
Aswell as enjoying work I also very much enjoy spending time with my dc. Both options have their pros and cons and it is just a case of weighing up which will work best for our family.
I think it's only because we've had such a run of illnesses that it's become a problem, normally it's fine. My company advertises as family friendly and they knew my situation when I started with them.

OP posts:

Athenaviolet · 15/07/2015 15:38

Your problem is your DCs being sick so often. This isn't normal and needs fixing.

What kind of sickness are they getting? Are they in germy environments? Are they not washing their hands often enough? Do they not have good immune systems? Do they have good diets with plenty of fresh fruit and veg with lots of vitamins?

Giving up work because of occasional sickness is crazy in my book!

cailindana · 15/07/2015 15:40

You may have intended to have 3 dc but it doesn't seem to fit with your life or what you want.

Being a SAHM is hard, especially if your partner is taken up a lot with work. Plus it is very hard to get back into work at a later stage.

Your DH has children as much as you do. You already work part time. Don't sacrifice more if that's not what you want - you will resent it. This is is a problem for both of you to solve.

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