Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To chuck it all in and become a SAHM?

88 replies

timeforacheckup · 14/07/2015 15:59

I currently have 2dc (18mnths and 4.5yrs) and work part time. If dc are ill it is generally me that has to take time off to look after them (due to dh be self employed - very tricky for him to have time off as if not working no pay). We've had a run of sickness recently and so I've had to take quite a bit of time off and work are understandably getting annoyed.
I get so stressed when one of the dc are ill because I hate letting work down. We want to start trying for dc3 soon so it's not going to get any better and I just don't know what to do - I love working and would go mad cooped up at home and also worry that I'd never get back into work but I get so stressed about messing work around and worry what my absence record will be like for future job applications.
We have no other support network and the dc are both currently in nursery. IABU to think it would be best for everyone if I became a SAHM as I can't think of any other solutions.

OP posts:
littlejohnnydory · 14/07/2015 18:15

It doesn't sound like you really want to be a sahm. Why don't you see how it goes while you're on maternity leave and see how you're finding it?

BrieAndChilli · 14/07/2015 18:20

It's get almost harder as they hit school years.
Last year i had hydrotherapy, physiotherapy and occupational therapy along with consultant apprs for ds1 and ENT appts, hearing tests and a grommets operation for ds2. Add in the usual bugs and me getting flu and unable To move for a week I would have been sacked with all the time I would have had to take off!!! Luckily I work evening time so could arrange everything but it cuts into family time and takes over the whole weekend so when ds2 starts school in September I want to get a part time say job but school holidays and illnesses are weighing on my mind.

Yarp · 14/07/2015 18:24

I am a bit surprised you are planning DC3 amidst this

Only1scoop · 14/07/2015 18:25

Your DH should support when your children are ill why is it always you that takes the time off?

No wonder your employer gets annoyed.

Capricorn76 · 14/07/2015 18:26

Dont want to cause offence but don't you think having a third DC would make your situation harder? It already sounds like your family is struggling as it is.

Yarp · 14/07/2015 18:26

It gets harder when they go to school, not easier!

Original poster
timeforacheckup · 14/07/2015 18:27

Admist what yarn deciding whether to work or not - it's hardly a life changing crisis!!

OP posts:
Original poster
timeforacheckup · 14/07/2015 18:28

Apologies yarp not yarn

OP posts:
ComfySensibleShoes · 14/07/2015 18:29

YANBU. I think it depends on how much you earn, whether your pay covers childcare costs and is worthwhile or not. But mostly, it depends what you think is right for your family. You won't find the answer to your question on mumsnet, as everyone does things differently depending on what's right for their family, but at least you will get to hear lots of different opinions.

Personally I would jump at the chance to be a SAHM and be there for my children every day, knowing I will always be able to look after them when they are unwell, not have the stress of work, never need worrying about how to cover the 6 weeks summer holidays, half terms, 2 weeks Easter etc.

I would love to be there for every sports day, every christmas concert, every school trip where help is needed, and to take my children to whichever after-school activities they want to go to, and have their friends over for tea lots and take them to the park when it's sunny.

LocatingLocatingLocating · 14/07/2015 18:34

Your Dh should be helping more. I'm sure he works very hard, but I'm sure you do too!

And it doesn't necessarily get harder when they are school. My DD has not missed on day of school this year, and my DS has missed 1 .

Yes its more complex with arrangements for different childcare in holidays and after/before school, but its all doable.

But adding another DC into the mix, when you are already finding things stressful, seems unwise!

Original poster
timeforacheckup · 14/07/2015 18:34

Ok so to rephrase the original question should I carry on working and just accept I'm going to have to be off now and again with the children or become a SAHM and avoid the stress of either me or dh having to take time off when the children are ill.
Capricorn I have no idea why you think we're struggling. We're a happy hard working family and are certainly more than capable of supporting a third child.

OP posts:
NickyEds · 14/07/2015 18:37

When we made the decision for me to be a SAHM (we decided pre dc) there were three main factors (and many minor ones!);

  1. Can we afford it?
  2. Is dp happy to do it?
  3. Do I really want to?

It doesn't really sound as if you really want to op so I'd say stay in work.
YABU. You say that it would be "best for everyone" but you love working and would go mad at home. It doesn't sound "best for you". I think being a SAHP can be a great thing but you both need to really be on board with it. If not it breeds resentment.

NickyEds · 14/07/2015 18:39

X posted with you op. Yes I reckon you should accept that you're going to have to be off now and then when your children are ill. Is there any way to work flexibly if your employer's getting pissed off?

TwinTum · 14/07/2015 18:40

I manage a reasonably large team, and it only ever seems to be the women who take time off with sick children. Men (in the same role) do not seem to. I don't know why. It can't in all cases be that the men are more worried about their jobs because they are the main bread winner whereas the women consider their husband's job more important. They are doing the same job. It is odd. DH and I have always tried to share the burden of this even though I am the higher earner so it is not like I am setting a "bad" precedent for either the men or women.

LocatingLocatingLocating · 14/07/2015 18:48

OP, if you don't need to work financially, you are stressed with juggling everything, you are planning DC3, and your DH is happy to financially support the family, the it purely comes down to whether YOU want to work or not.

I personally enjoy working (in a twisted kind of way - I find life stressful, but kind of thrive in it). So I would do so regardless.

MuffMuffTweetAndDave · 14/07/2015 18:48

If you need your job to keep you sane with just 2, I can't see how being at home full time with 3 is going to be a good thing. It sounds like that would be absolutely awful for you, tbh.

ilovesooty · 14/07/2015 18:48

I also think your employer shouldn't be expected to take the rap every time your husband decides not to take on a share of parenting his children when they're sick. Your relative incomes and financial situation aren't your employer's concern.

It doesn't sound as though you want to be a sahm so he needs to do his share of sickness cover.

Yarp · 14/07/2015 18:54

I think you should sort out what you want to do before having a third child, not after.

Yarp · 14/07/2015 19:02

It sounds as if you don't want to be a SAHM, you just want to avoid your DH sharing the stress of this. One extra child means a longer period of being at home, more money, and more work for both of you. That's what I meant sorry - had to go and see to burning chips.

I wonder if you are thinking of getting pregnant as a legitimate way of having some time out of the workplace to think about this?

Apologies of I have got this wrong

butterfly133 · 14/07/2015 19:06

you don't sound as though you want to give up work

also, I have to ask, why DC3? it will extend the period you are finding so hard and then complicate matters financially. If you have your heart set on it, that's one thing, but I'm picking up that you like your work etc so another period of mat leave and then repeating infant years doesn't make a huge amount of sense.

Someone recently left my workplace, she didn't want to, but after child number 3 and a range of incidents, she also thought it would be best for everyone if she packed it in for a while. She was upset, seemed a shame, but she had had free childcare from family and when no 3 came along, they said they couldn't cope any more (understandable).

blink1552 · 14/07/2015 19:09

Illnesses do tend to go in waves. If your 18 month old has already done their first winter at nursery, odds are in your favour for future years. We have just had very occasional days here and there with our schoolchildren, whereas at nursery they had loads of tummy bugs.

School is a lot more complicated in other ways though. I reduced my hours when mine started school - very lucky to have that opportunity and I have never regretted it. PT also helps when they are school age if you can just swap days to cover illness, which is next to impossible when they are in nursery.

Agree with PP that if you can afford to fund a third child and/or give up work then surely it would be sensible for your DH to cover some of the DCs' sickness, even though it costs. It's much cheaper than you giving up work.

Can your job be done from home? Once they are 6 or 7 you can meaningfully work from home with a child on the sofa. Might be worth clinging on until then.

Capricorn76 · 14/07/2015 20:19

I meant struggling with managing two kids, not financially although I'm guessing your DHs refusal to cut down any work time at all may mean his earnings aren't 100% secure??

It already sounds stressful so I can't see why adding a third would be wise right now.

howabout · 14/07/2015 20:56

Everyone I know struggles if they have a 4.5 and an 18 month whether or not they are SAHM. Op does not sound any different. IME the 3rd one does not make any difference and in some ways you just accept the constant chaos and juggling which makes it all easier. One word of caution. If you become a SAHM there really is no respite and you still have to cope with being ill and DC being ill sequentially rather than consecutively.

Yarp · 14/07/2015 21:01

howabout

You just contradicted yourself, though

Original poster
timeforacheckup · 14/07/2015 21:03

Thank you howabout! Idon't see how I've gone from wondering whether to be a SAHM or to continue working to being struggling and unable to cope with another child!!

OP posts: