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Original poster

To be having a post wedding identity crisis

84 replies

Jewels234 · 14/07/2015 14:41

I got married at the weekend, and it was amazing.

However, having said that I would take my husband's name, now it has come to it, I just can't. It doesn't feel right. And it's mainly because I'll now be called the same as his mum, and I absolutely cannot stand the woman.

So I feel really uncomfortable taking my husband's name. I feel really uncomfortable keeping my own name. Double barrelled is the only option, but that means I will have a surname with 5 syllables.

Has anyone else felt similarly confused. It's only a name, but I feel like my identity for the rest of my life rests on this decision.

OP posts:
HolidayForever · 14/07/2015 17:49

I didn't change my name, because I prefer my maiden name to my husband's surname. And I didn't want to feel like someone else's 'possession'. My DH is cool with it. Also, it is such a pain to change it (I need an ID card where I work, and use my surname to log onto the computers, so coordinating the whole thing would have been really difficult - I know someone else who did it and it all went horribly wrong).

So professionally and on all bank account stuff, I still have my maiden name, but I must admit that at the DC's schools I tend to let them call me Mrs (husbands surname), again just for the simplicity of it.

So I go under a couple of names really. I believe that's all ok and legal, you can call yourself whatever you want so long as you are not doing it for fraudulent reasons....

Original poster
Jewels234 · 14/07/2015 17:55

So, I can not be a 'Mrs' if I don't want to be? This is a revalation! I really do not want to be defined by my relationship status and the whole concept of it makes me so angry.

OP posts:
MitzyLeFrouf · 14/07/2015 17:57

You didn't know this?! Shock

Of course you don't need to be 'Mrs'!

MitzyLeFrouf · 14/07/2015 18:02

Pleased to meet you Lotta Bufton-Tufton-Fotherington-Smythe! But what will your child do when s/he marries Clive Pemberton-Briggs-Clumperton-Figgs?

Will no one think of the children!

Patapouf · 14/07/2015 18:04

I kept my own name. Aside from the fact that it is my identity and I quite like it, it's already a long double barrelled name! I was the first in my family to be born with this name too, so no one can say it's my DFs name Grin

DH likes it too and was going to take my name but chickened out at the last minute. When we have DCs they will probably end up triple barrelled if DH still wants to keep his name because no way on gods earth would I allow my children to have a different surname from me.

Lottapianos · 14/07/2015 18:08

Every day's a school day on here JewelsGrin. Keep your name (because why wouldn't you?!), don't be a Mrs, and you're golden. Just carry on as you were. Loads of women on here did just the same and the more women who do it, the more 'normal' it will be. So yay.

Be prepared for some people to see it as the end of the world though Hmm

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 14/07/2015 18:13

Jewels, of course you don't! Mrs, Miss, Ms etc aren't legal titles anyway, AFAIK you can call yourself Mr or Mistress if you want.

Hope you feel better for knowing you're free to do what you want. IIRC the legal situation for women (yes it's sexist) is that when you get married you then have the right to call yourself by his surname in addition to your own. So if I married Mr Giraffes I could legally call myself ElephantsAnd Miasmas but also ElephantsAnd Giraffes if/when I wanted to. But there's definitely no obligation, and you can switch back to using the other any time you want. It's an extra name option rather than a change of name.

If you feel this strongly about it, though, I would just chill and not change your name. If anyone asks why and you don't want to deal with it (for example, if they're the kind of dick who thinks owning people is anything other than slavery) just say you haven't got round to it...for the next fifty years.

DansonslaCapucine · 14/07/2015 18:15

I like the cut of your jib Patapouf.

hiccupgirl · 14/07/2015 18:21

Keep your name or double barrel it if that's what you want, but don't change it to something you don't want to just because of what other people, including your DH, say. If your DH is not happy then ask him if he'd change his name to yours instead then.

I kept my name on marriage and was always upfront about that is what I would do. Regardless of who I married my name is my name but it is nice to not be Mrs the same as MIL who annoys me.

It's a complete nonissue nowadays. DS has DH's name but he could equally have had mine. School sometimes get it right and call me Ms hiccupgirl but sometimes I get Mrs DH/DS name and that's ok too. I tend to call myself Mrs hiccupgirl at work as I teach and the kids get confused with Ms but otherwise I avoid using a title most of the time.

Original poster
Jewels234 · 14/07/2015 18:56

I don't need to change anything! It's so liberating.

Must as a matter of urgency change my mnet name. It is horrendous and lazy on my part, and I spend my life with name envy on here. That's the important name change to consider while on honeymoon.

OP posts:
ElviraCondomine · 14/07/2015 19:06

I didn't change my name on marriage. That's 18 years ago and I have never regretted it.
The only person who commented negatively was FIL.
Then StepMIL pointed out to him that she hadn't taken his name either, and to put a sock in it.
I love StepMIL.

veiledsentiments · 14/07/2015 19:07

I got married 20 years ago. I was only 23. I kept my maiden name. I have friends who have been married longer than me and have kept their maiden names. In fact, out of all my close circle of friends we all have our maiden names. I think it's fine. I didn't want to change then, and after 20 years still don't.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 14/07/2015 19:15

I've kept my own surname and use Ms, been married 15 years and never regretted staying the same. I never seriously considered changing name and never wanted to be a Mrs.

DoesItReallyMatter · 14/07/2015 19:18

Is changed my name to my DHs name when we're were married. I was young, I hadn't thought it through and I have an awful maiden name.

My DH sometimes calls me Mrs XXXX - I can't stand it and tell him I'm not his mother.

I wished I'd made up my own unique cool family surname and convinced my DH to change his surname too.

I'd love a baggage free new family surname.

olivesnutsandcheese · 14/07/2015 19:24

I was married 3 years ago when I was 35. I was pregnant and adamant that I had the same surname as my baby.
I don't regret it as such but I just don't 'feel' my name. If someone shouted Mrs Olives in a crowd I'd probably not respond or just think it referred to my DMil. I guess 35 years of the same name is a hard habit to break.

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 14/07/2015 19:27

Aww Jewels I do love a happy ending Any thoughts on a new MN name? Much more fun!

And congratulations. Glad you feel better now.

lolalotta · 14/07/2015 19:27

I'm not married, if I ever do I'm keeping my own name, I would 100% feel like his mum if I took their name!

Ashbeeee · 14/07/2015 19:31

1st marriage, very reluctantly changed name. It never really felt like 'me'. continued to be a Ms though. As soon as we separated (within the week!) changed it back bt deed poll. Felt like coming home and made me irrationally happy.

Now very happily remarried and didn't even consider changing my name this time. Our DCs are double barrelled.

Name change is a pain in the arse and not necessary, unless you what to and that's fine too.

zoe146 · 14/07/2015 19:31

I'm surprised to be the only one here...but my DH took my surname. I was adamant I wasn't taking his (his family are batshit) and we wanted to have the same name for when we have DC

specialsubject · 14/07/2015 19:32

as you now know, you can do whatever you want. I have the same name as on my birth certificate, although I've used 'Ms' since I was about 18. In the UK marriage has no effect on either party's name.

I also remember a conversation on my return to work after the holiday, with one of my colleagues asking 'so what do we call you now?' My reply was 'same as before' and that was accepted. More than 20 years ago.

life is too short for unnecessary admin.

SoupDragon · 14/07/2015 19:33

I hate these threads. You always get the judgmental tossers bleating on about how they can't understand why any woman would change their name.

Change it or don't change it. You can do whatever you wish and ignore anyone who makes stupid comments either way.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 14/07/2015 19:34

I wouldn't have wanted DH to take my name either, I like having different surnames.

florascotia · 14/07/2015 19:35

Congratulations! If it matters, traditionally women in Scotland did not change their name on marriage. They were known as - for example - Mistress Mary MacKenzie (Mrs Campbell) or Mary MacKenzie wife of John Campbell. I think it's quite a neat solution.

Mistress just means adult woman, the same as the French 'Madame'.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 14/07/2015 19:38

Special - a friend told me recently that when she got back to work after honeymoon, also 20 years ago, she found they had changed her name on everything to her husband's name without even consulting her. They'd have been changing it back bloody fast if they'd done that to me.

HolidayForever · 14/07/2015 19:58

OMG that is outrageous!!
If my Company had done that I would have gone absolutely apeshit!!
I heard of someone who was in charge of booking a group skiing holiday, which included a newly-ish married couple, and he booked her ticket in her husband's surname. She went ape too, and made him pay to change the ticket (as you know, not cheap!)