To be having a post wedding identity crisis

[Jewels234]

I got married at the weekend, and it was amazing.

However, having said that I would take my husband's name, now it has come to it, I just can't. It doesn't feel right. And it's mainly because I'll now be called the same as his mum, and I absolutely cannot stand the woman.

So I feel really uncomfortable taking my husband's name. I feel really uncomfortable keeping my own name. Double barrelled is the only option, but that means I will have a surname with 5 syllables.

Has anyone else felt similarly confused. It's only a name, but I feel like my identity for the rest of my life rests on this decision.

I took dhs name quite happily. In my case, due to mums several marriages and instance on changing it back everytime she was divorced, I had had 5 surnames before I got married, so didn't feel an identity with the name I had then.

I had each surname for an average of 4 years (got married at 20). I have been Mrs for 14 years.

However if you don't want to change it, don't. If you want double barrel it, do it.pat double barrelled are long anyway. Or you and dh pick a new one together.

Entirley up too you. No idea why people get their knickers in a twist over this

I changed my name. I have now spent more time on this planet called Mrs DHsurname than I did as Miss DFsurname so I think that I can say that I am used to it by now. It jumped me up the alphabet so that's a bonus, too.
DH, the DC and I all have the same surname. It makes life very easy.

When your double-barrelled DC marry other double-barrelled Dc what surname will they use - quadrupled-barrelled?

I kept my name and don't use 'Mrs.' because I am not 'Mistress of Mr. Ratbag', I'm Mistress of Mr. Imp. I still use Miss as my title.

All these years on, only one person has ever asked me why I didn't change my name. And I was so puzzled by the question. Because I identify as a Ratbag, not an Imp. It's not about whether I love Mr. Imp (I very much do), it's about who I am.

The children are Imps, but that was part of a separate deal where we agreed their first names, used Imp as a surname and I chose their Ratbag family middle names.

I kept my name and I'm not a Mrs. I really can't understand women who change their names

I seem to know a lot of long-married women (10 years and up, mainly) who either wish they hadn't changed, or are actually changing theirs back! My own parents wish they had taken my mother's surname. You've obviously just got there more quickly! :)

I am Ms Elephants mainly cos I intend to keep it that way if I ever marry. You can be Ms Jewels and it doesn't indicate anything about your marital status whatsoever. That's the great thing about the (much maligned) title.

Good luck! And don't be sad, you've just got married!

"When your double-barrelled DC marry other double-barrelled Dc what surname will they use - quadrupled-barrelled?"

Not meaning to be rude senua but you're approximately the 3 millionth person to ask that on MN, let alone in real life, and it's never as hilarious as people think it is. The answer is the same as it is for people with a single surname: keep their own names, join a bit of each name together (e.g. Smith-Jones and Thompson-White become the Smith-Whites), one takes the other's name, or they both choose a totally new name together. You could quadruple barrel, which some aristo families do, but most people realise this makes them sound totally mental so wouldn't bother. As most people aren't completely thick.

I kept my name having seen my sister regret changing hers. Legally you can be known by both. I am Ms Maidenname for work, official stuff, friends and family and I am Mrs DHname for workmen visiting the house and school/kids stuff.

Elephants Indeed. And the Spanish manage just fine with all having two last names

You've got me thinking though..... Maybe I should change my name to Lotta Bufton-Tufton-Fotherington-Smythe???

Mountbatten-Windsor is 5 syllables. No-one has an issue with that

Keep your name. No reason at all the change it right now, and if you change your mind later you can change it then.

I double-barrelled mine on my passport, I mainly use my maiden name for work and personal matters, and use DH's name for school stuff/parenting stuff as that's the surname the DCs have so its easier that way.

I changed mine because I hadn't thought it through enough when I had DCs (before getting married) and wanted to have the same name as them. I really regret losing my maiden name.

noarmani that's fine. I doubt any of us worried about wether other people understand our decisions

I always joke that I married my dh just to change my surname. I had to spell my maiden name every single time. Got so fed up with that. Also, absolutely no anonymity. I was pregnant when we got married, and although I may be old-fashioned, but I wanted our little family to all have the same family name.

I don't particularly like il's, but I don't care I'm the same as Mil. I'm the younger, better version

Although I have to admit, being called Mrs makes me feel so fucking old

Lotta and you beat me to it about the Spanish.

Have a high five Felix75. And if you could use my full name in future please......

Those aristo names were usually the result of marriage settlements (English euphemism for paying a massive dowry) where you got the money on condition you kept wife's maiden name as part of the family name.

Wikipedia has these gems:
A few British upper-class families have "triple-barrelled" surnames (e.g. Anstruther-Gough-Calthorpe; Cave-Browne-Cave; Elliot-Murray-Kynynmound; Heathcote-Drummond-Willoughby; Smith-Dorrien-Smith; Vane-Tempest-Stewart). These are sometimes created when one spouse has a double-barrelled name and the other has a single surname. Nowadays, such names are almost always abbreviated in everyday use to a single or double-barrelled version. There are even a few "quadruple-barrelled" surnames (e.g. Hepburn-Stuart-Forbes-Trefusis, Hovell-Thurlow-Cumming-Bruce, Montagu-Stuart-Wortley-Mackenzie, Plunkett-Ernle-Erle-Drax, Stirling-Home-Drummond-Moray, and the Danish Krag-Juel-Vind-Frijs family). The surname of the extinct family of the Dukes of Buckingham and Chandos was the quintuple-barrelled Temple-Nugent-Brydges-Chandos-Grenville.

Captain Leone Sextus Denys Oswolf Fraudatifilius Tollemache-Tollemache de Orellana Plantagenet Tollemache-Tollemache is sometimes quoted as the man with the most ever "barrels" in his surname (six), but in fact all but the last two of these (Tollemache-Tollemache) were forenames.

Ask your DH if he will take your name.

It was more important to me that we had a family name then that I kept my own, whereas my wife felt more attached to her own name than sharing one. So we're all happy.

Also scandalised my daily mail reading step-mother, who has changed her name twice, which was an unexpected bonus.

Spanish speaker here. My oh and i have double barrelled names, for a total of 4 surnames. We manage just fine. It never occured to me to change my surname, i didnt see the point.

Keep your name OP and get rid of the friend who thinks your husband 'owns' you.

Don't change your name if you don't want to. I'm Ms Crosbybeach (I know Ms is oddly controversial on mumsnet). Husband is Mr Reallylovely. His ex is Mrs Reallylovely as is his Mum. And while they are Reallylovely, that's more than enough Reallylovely's in our world I reckon.

I was married in my 40s, really cba to change my name by that stage. But I wouldn't have done when I was younger either.

But, do whatever you want to do. Hardly anyone will notice or care.

I changed my name and I found being a "Mrs" much harder to get used to than being a new surname. Being called "Mrs [DH's surname]" the first time did make me feel like they were talking about my MIL and it did feel like the name of a pensioner, not me.

That said, nearly 8 years later, I'm used to it, it feels strange when I get refered to my maiden name (there's a few things that were a faff to change so I didn't bother). It's now my name, and I don't think I'd change back even if we split up.

(Re the double barrelled name issue, in countries where it's the norm, usually only the father's part of the name is taken forward to double barrel when marrying, so it's not normally 3/4 names combined, also in several countries, the norm is the woman double barrels her name, but the man keeps just his name and the DCs have just his name.)

If you are thinking of double barrelling, go for it, even if it is a long name, there's nothing wrong with that and in many countries it would be weirder to just dump your maiden name. You can always 'dump' part of the name later on, or just use bits of it (like still using your maiden name for work, or using your DH's name with family stuff).

Your friend who thinks your DH 'owns you' is someone I would distance myself from, they don't have a healthy world outlook....

I've recently changed from Ms XHsurname (which I had for 25 years) to Ms LovelynewDHsurname, mainly because I no longer wanted to be Ms XHsurname and going back to my maiden name seemed a bit silly - should have done that when I got divorced!

I found it weird and dislocating at first, but am OK with it now. Never been Mrs except on obviously joint stuff, and only use Ms if I have to.

I don't mind at all having the same name as new MIL - she's fab.

Thanks Mitzy!

*Lotta Bufton-Tufton-Fotherington-Smythe" - delighted to make your acquaintance.

Sorry, I know I sounded narky about it, it's just there's always this idea that people who double-barrel are totally dim airheads who have never contemplated this possibility.

Sorry I mean Lotta Bufton-Tufton-Fotherington-Smythe