Is dp really meant to pay for my hen night?

[Surelynotabridezilla]

Deep breath as this is a wedding one. We get married in October and my friend has told me she's organising my hen do so all our friends can show me how much I mean to them. So far, so good.
Except, not really. Dp was in a bad mood last night and eventually said he had to discuss something with me. Said friend (who was dps friend first, and they go back a good 15 years) has sent dp a message saying that, of course, its traditional for the groom to pay for the bride and could he please send her £150. I've spent the whole night awake feeling absolutely gutted. I now feel I can't really go. Dp is mad that this friend knows we are paying for the wedding entirely by ourselves and it's going to be costing us a lot (not a lot to some, but a lot to us). We've sacrificed a lot to be able to invite the people we want, feed them adequately and make sure they have a nice time. Our money is joint money so our friend is essentially asking me to pay. Which is not have had a problem with if she'd just asked me. But, I have no idea what the plan is, or what this money covers, and nor does dp. I was just hoping for a nice dinner out or similar, and our friend knows this. I've never heard of a tradition whereby the groom pays. I'd either be happy to pay for myself or tbh on every other hen I've been on, the friends all chip in and pay for the brides share.
I just feel a bit gutted really, and I'm directing my disappointment at completely the wrong person. I feel a bit cross with dp that he's told me and that he doesn't think I'm worth just paying for, but then the next minute I know that's ridiculous and I'd be equally appalled to be asked to pay for his stag. But I'm also so so disappointed in my friend. I feel like no one feels I'm worth actually celebrating :(

"I do feel silly for being upset over this"
Please don't feel silly, her behaviour is suspicious and caused bad feeling between yourself and your DF. Being upset is a natural reaction to all this. But it would be helpful if you could start to feel angry at her for upsetting you and making you feel silly.

Tell her dh. Say "can you get to call me about the hen party. There is no way we or anyone else can afford £150 ph. We need to amend the plans'

Don't even act like you are even a tiny bit to blame. Wouldn't surprise me if she is trying to get your dp to pay for her too.

Can you speak to one of the other people invited before you speak to her. Someone you trust and ask how much she has asked off them?

Marys suggestion is perfect.

OP apologies if I missed domething
Who is making you feel selfish? Surely not the woman who asked for the money?

I have to be rank and say I see this as very simple discussion. She may mean well but she has wildly overestimated how much everyone can afford as well as misjudging the issue of who pays.

Why wouldn't you sit down and talk to her? If you are scared of confrontation, only a crazy person could make this a row.

No wonder they have money problems.

I've never heard of this.

I have never heard of that so called tradition either!

I would also be worried that the other guests are being asked to pay £150, particularly if you know that some/all will struggle to find this much. I think you need to have a word with your friend, and find out what she is up to.

Wow, and I thought I'd heard it all on wedding crap! Like the other posters I call BS on this "tradition."

Honestly, you have a few options still, no need to give up on a little pre-wedding special event. As your DP is not wanting a stag do, you could do something together just the two of you to celebrate your upcoming wedding, or you could let the cheeky friend know that your poor DP had to tell you about the money as you have shared accounts etc... and honestly you both can't afford that much on top of the wedding, so how about an alternative like a tea party with homemade sandwiches/cakes and cheap and cheerful "champagne" etc...

If your friend would truly be offended that you can't/don't want to spend the money on your hen night (still blows my mind that she thinks it's okay to bill your DP for this!) then is she much of a friend? Who else is invited to your hen do? Have they been asked to pay this much as well?

Oh, and I wouldn't delay in contacting this "friend" in case she is at the point of putting any deposits down on something for this hen do she wants you to pay for!

My brideamaid tried to organise a really expensive and crap hen do for me. It was something she wished she'd had for a hen do herself. Thankfully my lovely SIL knew I'd hate it so told me and I was able to step in organise something else. Mine really didn't want to take no for an answer so you may have to give your friends a warning not to give her money.

I take it she's one of your IL since your DP has had trouble saying no to giving them money? If that's the case, this is a good time to put your foot down to set a new pattern for your married life.

Contact her and say thank you for offering but you've decided you'd like a meal in X or whatever is affordable. It'll be better to do it sooner, get it over with!

there is literally no one in our circle of friends to whom £150 is easily written off. We all have children and are working class, there are no extravagances to be had. I'm actually. Or tidied at the thought she could have asked our friends to all part with so much money in my name

I suspect she's wanted to do something very expensive, with her friends but knows none of you could afford it. So is, rather badly, doing it in the name of your hen do, to make it very hard for people to say no. Then because she knew you'd say it was too expensive if she asked you, she's very sneakily and manipulatively gone behind your back to your DP, with the ridiculous idea that it's traditional for groom to pay. Obviously assuming that men tend not to know much about wedding traditions and that he wouldn't want to look uncaring by refusing.

Awful situation to put you and your DP in.