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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is dp really meant to pay for my hen night?

85 replies

Surelynotabridezilla · 14/07/2015 09:24

Deep breath as this is a wedding one. We get married in October and my friend has told me she's organising my hen do so all our friends can show me how much I mean to them. So far, so good.
Except, not really. Dp was in a bad mood last night and eventually said he had to discuss something with me. Said friend (who was dps friend first, and they go back a good 15 years) has sent dp a message saying that, of course, its traditional for the groom to pay for the bride and could he please send her £150. I've spent the whole night awake feeling absolutely gutted. I now feel I can't really go. Dp is mad that this friend knows we are paying for the wedding entirely by ourselves and it's going to be costing us a lot (not a lot to some, but a lot to us). We've sacrificed a lot to be able to invite the people we want, feed them adequately and make sure they have a nice time. Our money is joint money so our friend is essentially asking me to pay. Which is not have had a problem with if she'd just asked me. But, I have no idea what the plan is, or what this money covers, and nor does dp. I was just hoping for a nice dinner out or similar, and our friend knows this. I've never heard of a tradition whereby the groom pays. I'd either be happy to pay for myself or tbh on every other hen I've been on, the friends all chip in and pay for the brides share.
I just feel a bit gutted really, and I'm directing my disappointment at completely the wrong person. I feel a bit cross with dp that he's told me and that he doesn't think I'm worth just paying for, but then the next minute I know that's ridiculous and I'd be equally appalled to be asked to pay for his stag. But I'm also so so disappointed in my friend. I feel like no one feels I'm worth actually celebrating :(

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 14/07/2015 09:50

Try and not let this upset you your friend has just got carried away with herself speak to her about it laugh and say on which planet does the groom pay or something she might rein it in a bit.

threenotfour · 14/07/2015 09:55

I have only ever since this on Don't Tell the Bride on telly. Never heard of it in real life.

Also if you just wanted a meal out somewhere is £150 not a bit expensive?? It's not up to your friend to spend your hard earned money for you on something you might not want. When you surprise someone you pay for it. You don't surprise someone then ask for money for it.

Is there anyone else in the Hen party helping with the organising who you could talk too and ask?

Alibabsandthe40Musketeers · 14/07/2015 09:57

This is why you should organise your own.

Invite the people you like out for dinner, split the bill. Done.

Deeperdown · 14/07/2015 10:07

God she sounds like the bloke who was best man on don't tell the bride the other week who insisted on £500 for the stag do and then took himself to the pub to watch football and get drunk.

Tell her your bridesmaid wants to organise it and sort it yourself.

Original poster
Surelynotabridezilla · 14/07/2015 10:11

Bridesmaids organising it isn't really possible as one is 9, the other 17. I know I should just let his go, but when having a hen was put to me at the weekend I was so excited, something to look forward to amid all the stress of doing everything for the wedding ourselves, so it seems even crueller to have it snatched away from me. I think I need to get over myself.

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 14/07/2015 10:14

You dont need to get over yourself have you spoken to her yet ?

MissMooMoo · 14/07/2015 10:15

never heard of this!
my dp just returned from his stag and im off on my hen next weekend.
we have each paid for our own dos (well we have a joint account so I guess we have technically paid for both!)

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 14/07/2015 10:19

You don't need to cancel the hen, just speak to your friend! Say something like 'I need to talk to you about the hen plans, you may not know dp and I share all money so it's not really feasible to ask him to pay for me as it's our joint budget and we feel that £150 isn't affordable. Can we please scale the festivities back a bit? I was thinking of a budget of about £50/70/whatever per person please'
No biggie

Original poster
Surelynotabridezilla · 14/07/2015 10:19

I really can't bring myself to Blush I have her dd all day today while she's at work, which shows just what a bloody pushover I am. I don't want to make out that I expect her to pay for me because that's not right. I just don't understand why she'd so excitedly tout an idea and then the very next day go behind my back to my dp with an extortionate cost that she'd failed to mention.

OP posts:
ARunOfThings · 14/07/2015 10:22

I agree with telling her that the bridesmaid has said she's really keen to organise it. Since you've said the bm is 17 (I assume that's your sister), of course your friend won't want to take that away from her. Then arrange it yourself and get your sister to send out the invites. I'd just book a meal somewhere nice. If she can be trusted, you could get this friend (via your sister) to lend a hand with doing the invitations or something.

butterfly133 · 14/07/2015 10:25

You need to just ask why it is so pricey, as everyone will be paying that and also ask why she wants your DP to pay!

riverboat1 · 14/07/2015 10:27

I think if you can't face telling her outright it's ridiculous, you need to approach it softly softly. Say to her you know your DP shouldn't have told you, but he had no choice e as money is so tight at the moment that you genuinely can't afford £150 (back this up by referencing his own lack of stag do). Highlight that you know a lot of your friend are skint too and you do not want them to pay for you either, that would make you feel bad. Say how much you appreciate her organising this, and you wish she could plan something big but it just can't work due to money, so instead can you plan together for a cheaper night out and you'd love it if she organised some games and surprises for along the way (Mr and Mrs etc).

zzzzz · 14/07/2015 10:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mrsjayy · 14/07/2015 10:30

If she was your dp friend first get him to say what are you on about she wants a dinner and a night out its the friend who needs to get over herself a hen do is meant to be fun. You need to start saying no

Mrsjayy · 14/07/2015 10:32

Yes do that say you want to go to y on x night thats what you want go all bridezilla on her Grin

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 14/07/2015 10:34

Look, in the nicest possible way, you need to get your big girl pants on and deal with this because she will very shortly be emailing all your other friends and asking them for £150 too!

You need to sit her down, tonight, and say, 'listen, I'm still really excited about a hen do so I've been having some ideas - I want (not 'I'd like to' or 'can we') to go to with and just have a few drinks and a bite to eat. DP mentioned you'd emailed him, but I want to keep this between us girls.'

And take it from there.

specialsubject · 14/07/2015 10:34

she's one of those stupid types who thinks you disconnect your brain when it is a wedding, spend insanely and then get into big debt.

tell her you don't work that way, sorry. Take control of your own outing. Invite your mates for a meal for a specified budget, you don't need them to 'prove' how much you mean to them.

oh, and if you don't like inflatable things, party games and big signs say so NOW.

nocabbageinmyeye · 14/07/2015 10:40

This is actually easily solved if you act now. This idea has only just been put to you so she won't have spent that much time organising YET so just send her a message "Hey Mary, dp mentioned the hen to me, we have a joint account so he had to, I really only want a nice dinner and a few drinks, definitely nothing in the region of £150, we might put our heads together over a cuppa when you pick up xx and come up with somewhere"

She is obviously not paying for you or getting the others attending to pay so you either need to pay the £150 if you want a big thing or cut your expectations to a meal/drinks and have a night you can afford, but to not speak to her now is just madness and considering this only just happened it could escalate and then you'll only have yourself to blame for not speaking up

PaperdollCartoon · 14/07/2015 10:55

Yes never heard of this, all the hens I've been to (and the one I organised when I was maid of honour for best friend) involved everyone chipping in a bit to cover the hen. Which works out great! But that's a lot of money if that's not what you were going for (DSILs cost £250 for a weekend, all her friends hens cost the same!) then you need to talk to her about what she's planning and how much it costs. Might be a bit of an awkward conversation but you absolutely can do it!

Spartans · 14/07/2015 11:01

Just tell her. Dp had to tell as all money is join and you can't afford it. Tell her also that you don't want to do anything that is costing people anywhere near that amount.

I would be really pissed off if someone did this.

Justbatteringon · 14/07/2015 11:10

Cheek of some people... tell her to wise up. Where does she think you're going to get 150 when you have a wedding to pay for does she think your dp has a secret savings account he can dip into when ever.

GnomeDePlume · 14/07/2015 12:25

I would approach this gently with your friend. Not everybody has a Wedding Etiquette book to hand to tell them what the done thing is. Just explain that any Hen Do costs will be coming out of your joint account and that you would like to keep the cost and the scale of the event down to dinner & drinks.

Tell your friends this as well. You are all grown ups so past the age when you need to be shocked surprised to make an event enjoyable.

WinterOfOurDiscountTents15 · 14/07/2015 12:41

No, its weird to ask him to pay. But the reaction is OTT. All this being gutted and it being "cruelly snatched away" is pretty childish. Who did you think was going to pay for you to do whatever has been organised for your pre wedding Party? You let your friend organise it, if you wanted to control it or have a particular budget you should have said so.
It sounds like you wanted the whole surprise part and you expected your friends to pay your share, and you're gutted that you're not getting a free party.

Janeymoo50 · 14/07/2015 12:55

What it sounds like is that your friend has been watching too many episodes of "Don't Tell The Bride", they do it on that when the groom has control of the budget (not that I watch it

Original poster
Surelynotabridezilla · 14/07/2015 12:56

Winter, I've said quite clearly that I'm happy to pay my share, but tbh if I'd been told, when the idea was touted, that my share, let alone anyone else's was £150, I'd have said no. Is it childish to want something to look forward to? The last year has been incredibly stressful for me, I have a dc with SEN and every day is a struggle at the moment. If being disappointed makes me childish then so be it.

OP posts: