Is dp really meant to pay for my hen night?

[Surelynotabridezilla]

Deep breath as this is a wedding one. We get married in October and my friend has told me she's organising my hen do so all our friends can show me how much I mean to them. So far, so good.
Except, not really. Dp was in a bad mood last night and eventually said he had to discuss something with me. Said friend (who was dps friend first, and they go back a good 15 years) has sent dp a message saying that, of course, its traditional for the groom to pay for the bride and could he please send her £150. I've spent the whole night awake feeling absolutely gutted. I now feel I can't really go. Dp is mad that this friend knows we are paying for the wedding entirely by ourselves and it's going to be costing us a lot (not a lot to some, but a lot to us). We've sacrificed a lot to be able to invite the people we want, feed them adequately and make sure they have a nice time. Our money is joint money so our friend is essentially asking me to pay. Which is not have had a problem with if she'd just asked me. But, I have no idea what the plan is, or what this money covers, and nor does dp. I was just hoping for a nice dinner out or similar, and our friend knows this. I've never heard of a tradition whereby the groom pays. I'd either be happy to pay for myself or tbh on every other hen I've been on, the friends all chip in and pay for the brides share.
I just feel a bit gutted really, and I'm directing my disappointment at completely the wrong person. I feel a bit cross with dp that he's told me and that he doesn't think I'm worth just paying for, but then the next minute I know that's ridiculous and I'd be equally appalled to be asked to pay for his stag. But I'm also so so disappointed in my friend. I feel like no one feels I'm worth actually celebrating :(

So hang on - you were excited until you found out that the cost was coming out of your own money, via your DP?

Does that mean you were assuming that your friends were going to pay for you?

You have to speak to her, how else is it going to be resolved? Your DP has said he won't pay (quite rightly), you don't want to pay - your friend doesn't want to pay for you. Therefore it can't go ahead.

Just organise a meal out with some friends, I am really not seeing why this is such an issue.

x-posts.

Now you are being silly. You still can have something to look forward to, provided you speak to your friend today when she picks her DC up and sort it out like grown ups.

You'd be happy to pay your share, but made no attempt at discussing what your share might be at any point? You were perfectly happy for someone to organise whatever they wanted when you thought you wouldn't be paying for it, its only too expensive when it comes out of your pocket.

Why are you thinking its this hen party or nothing?

There is ro inbetween. I think the friends asked everyone else to pay and everyone else couldn't afford to pay for you and their own £150. So now she is trying to salvage it by trying to get your do to pay.

Quite honestly you should have discussed what budget you though people would want to pay and do.

Seriously winter back off. £150 for what I thought was a dinner out is extortionate in anyone's opinion surely. Especially condiering she made out she was desperate to organise this as a lovely thing for me, all while we were out with a group of friends for a dinner which cost us less than £15 a head! I'm just disappointed ok. It's created an awkward situation between my dp and I and between us as a couple and our friend. Feelings are going to be hurt either way, and it's really tarnished the whole thing. But do feel free to carry on insinuating I'm a greedy grabby cow.

I think she's short of money and is chancing her arm with an old friend in the hope he'll cough up.

But at the same time I can see how you would be upset that he didn't just pay up and not tell you. It just doesn't seem very gentlemanly.

It's £150 for a meal? Surely she has organised more. Which is probably a surprise. Where the hell is a meal out for £150 ph

wee you would expect hom to hand over £150 when money is tight and belongs to both people. Even though he has no idea what it's covering?

If dh had spent £150 on something for me when we were skint I would have gone mad. Especially if he didn't know what he was buying me.

If £150 is neither here nor there then money isn't as tight as the op makes out

Spartans I think its easily doable to spend 150 pounds per head on a meal but I have a feeling the hen party wont just be a meal out.

I think wires have been crossed here and I'm being made to feel selfish. Let me actually try and explain properly what has upset me. If she'd come direct to me for the money, or mentioned the cost right at the start if have said an immediate no. But she has instead gone to dp in secret, putting him in an awkward situation. We can't afford it but if he refuses he looks bad and hurts my feelings. We then risk seeming ungrateful and stingy to said friend. They are honestly terrible with money and we have had to bail them out many times. This is just a step too far. I actually do think she knows that if she'd asked me if have said no. As it is, dp has pretty much never said no to giving her money in the past so this feels worse. Trying to make out that it's a known thing for the groom to pay just seems to me like a way to make him feel guilty.

Spartans, there is literally no one in our circle of friends to whom £150 is easily written off. We all have children and are working class, there are no extravagances to be had. I'm actually. Or tidied at the thought she could have asked our friends to all part with so much money in my name.

Spartan I was saying that it could easily be seen as not gentlemanly for him to not magic up the money from somewhere but I can see thats not how it came across.

*mortified

Surely, I can see it being the 'whole bloody thing' thats upsetting and not just one aspect of it.

And who can blame you?

This text just send her a message "Hey Mary, dp mentioned the hen to me, we have a joint account so he had to, I really only want a nice dinner and a few drinks, definitely nothing in the region of £150, we might put our heads together over a cuppa when you pick up xx and come up with somewhere is perfect - she has time to consider it before you see her, she has been told that £150 is OTT for everyone and you've remained friendly. (I too have never heard of the groom paying for his bride's hen do.)

There's definitely some crossed wires somewhere.

I don't know where she got the idea that the groom pays? Maybe £150 covers the whole hen do - a £15 meal for 10 people?

Whatever the explanation, the only way to deal with it is for you to talk to her, today and get it resolved, so that you don't waste any more time agonizing over what is ultimately a non-issue. Just tell her "listen, DP told me you asked him for £150. I don't know what you've got planned but that kind of expense wasn't what I had in mind, so I thought we could do this instead..."

Seriously, organise your own hen do, invite some friends over to your place, ask them all to bring some nibbles and a bottle of wine, you supply a couple of bottles of cava and a few pizzas, easy, cheap and none of this silliness.

Every hen do I've been on all the guests chipped in a bit extra to cover the bride to be. When the activity was expensive the btb paid for herself and guests chipping in was just for the evening meal. Never had the groom-to-be contributing except the time when he sent a hen night gift of a dozen bottles of bubbly.

TBH I would have started worrying when she said that the hen do was for all your friends to show what you mean to them. She's probably using that line on your friends, telling them that if they care about you they will cough up, which is nasty. That's not what it's about at all, it's about having a bit of a laugh with your friends.

I would insist that she tell me the plan so that I could edit out the ridiculous stuff. If she refused to tell me then I would cancel the hen night completely (and contact all my friends to say it was cancelled), and then when the fuss has died down arrange a meal with some close friends instead.

Op don't blame your dp. The blame lies firmly with the friend.

Sounds like she just wanted an expensive night out. I also am quite worried this £150 will be to cover more than just yours. Weird feeling you will turn up to something that clearly didn't cost £150 ph.

You need to speak to her. Your friends are probably, quietly, annoyed at being asked for such a large sum. I hope they know you have nothing to do with it.

I would be mortified too, if i were you.

Even if you and dp decide to give her the £150, you will still feel shit for all your friends who have spent a lot of money on something that you don't really want to do.

She has put you in this shitty situation. You need to call her. If you can't bein yourself to do it, your dp needs to.

Sils hen do cost £400 and she wanted it upfront. The hen party was scheduled for when my ds was 12 weeks old and she wanted theoney when I was 4 months of. I told her I couldn't commit £400 as I don't know if I would want leave ds for the weekend at 12 weeks, what if there were problems during the birth etc. £400 was too much anyway and far too much to risk losing. She still hasn't forgiven me 5 years later. However her friends still talk about how ridiculous it was that they had to spend £400 each. But just a behind her back.

Stuff like this can cause a lot of problems

Yanbu.

I think you should just talk to your friend and say that you can't afford this, and tell her what your budget is.

I too am wondering what 150 would cover. Is she expecting you to pay for everyone?

"We then risk seeming ungrateful and stingy to said friend."
Surely, the true risk of that is ZERO. Your friend is an idiot, and I'm starting to suspect she's pulling a fast one. You said "They are honestly terrible with money and we have had to bail them out many times." Plus, you say "I have her dd all day today while she's at work, which shows just what a bloody pushover I am." (Yes, you are.) I'm guessing she isn't paying you, not even for her DD's food?

You need to get over your wish not to appear stingy/mean (even though you're not anyway), because I think she's using it against you. She's getting free childcare, and she damned near got £150 out of you both, which I don't think would have been used for the hen night.

As has already been mentioned - time to get your big girl pants on and haul her over the coals. She'll be there later to pick up her daughter, so start practising what you're going to say. Personally I'd start with 'What the hell were you thinking of!?!' and take it from there.

I don't agree £150 per head for just a meal is easily doable. Especially when the friend is close enough to low non off the attendees have a lot of spare cash

Can I ask if you looking after her daughter is a one-off or if this is a regular favour? Sounds like she wants to profit on this friendship in numerous ways.

It's her dh who's picking her dd up and who dropped her off so I've no chance of seeing her face to face which is how I'd rather do this as a message can be misconstrued. I feel awful for even suspecting it, but yes it had occurred to me at the money was not just for the hen night and might be to tide them over :( I will talk to her and ask what the hell she is thinking of. I do feel silly for being upset over this, I just do t like hurting people's feelings. Yes, looking after her dd has been on an as and when basis, maybe a few times a month for the last two years. It gives my ds a little company so I don't mind it as such, but I do feel a bit taken advantage of today. I'm saving her a fortune in childcare.

Get your dp to send this "ha ha, someone has been watching too much reality tv. I know traditions and checked with all my mates and the only place that the groom pays is on dttb. Btw, whatever the tradition 150 is way too much per person, scale it back. Seriously, bride is excited about an evening in her honour, doesn't have to cost anything near that amount. You're a star for planning this, see you soon "

Takes you out of it