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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Had puppy 4 days......overwhelmed.

88 replies

Eliza22 · 14/07/2015 08:44

Does this happen? I feel overwhelmed.

Story...

My son is 14 and has autism and OCD. He has no friends despite many many efforts. He is high functioning. We've had his name on a list for an autism assistance dog for years but he's now too old for the list. A year ago, we sourced a breeder and decided to get him the doggy companion ourselves. So far so good. Two litters went by....no bitch for us until now.

The pup is beautiful. Full of energy but very clever, as these Goldens are! But, my son is tearful and upset (and so am I) because we have a beloved cat who is 7. She has taken the dog very, very badly. Last night, my son came to me in tears saying "I miss Tallulah (the cat), I want the dog to go away if we are going to lose Tallulah".

I should add....I'm 53 and menopausally emotional at the best of times. Have I made a massive mistake? We've had the idea of a golden retriever companion for our son for so so long, what HAVE I done?! I feel like ringing the breeder and saying keep the cash....I've made a mistake.

Help!

OP posts:
VeganCow · 14/07/2015 13:55

I have never kept the cats and dogs separated, only at night in the early weeks. I have just let them all have the run of the house in the day and that way things can get moving quickly and easily.

HemanOrSheRa · 14/07/2015 14:06

Here's a photo of my cat and dog laid in a warm spot together. Honestly, give it a bit more time. The cat will sort the puppy out and show her who is in charge.

AIBU? Had puppy 4 days......overwhelmed.
OurDearLeader · 14/07/2015 14:16

www.aspca.org/pet-care/virtual-pet-behaviorist/cat-behavior/introducing-your-cat-new-dog

This is useful. It might be an idea to keep your cat in for a bit until she's used to him so she doesn't vote with feet.

MatildaTheCat · 14/07/2015 14:17

Deep breath. Been there and it is soo stressful suddenly having a young puppy and feeling overwhelmed. It gets better, I promise. Haven't RTWT but highly recommend classes ASAP. We did new puppy classes then training classes and they were very reassuring.

Our cat got the massive hump though was never all that friendly in the first place. Of course she needs somewhere safe to be but I regret keeping them so separate because it ended up taking her longer than needed to accept him. They aren't friends ( well, it's one sided!) it he adores her. She tolerates him but is in no way unhappy.

Take it easy and don't be hard on yourself.mits a great time of year to house train as you can keep the doors open. Enjoy your pup and make a fuss of the cat. Soon this will all be your new normal.Smile

catsrus · 14/07/2015 22:47

The other thing to remember is that they are like people - seriously - they have friends, people they're ok with, some they tolerate and some they really don't like. I've had cats and dogs for almost 30yrs - and seen all the variations. Current ddog has one cat she's friendly with, one she'd like to be friendly with (but he's not at all keen), one she's ok with but there's an occasional spat, and one where the cat just hates dogs and takes every opportunity to swipe him - but this cat hates the other cats too to be fair! In the past I've had a ddog that adored cats and always found one to curl up with. You have the right breed in a golden, they tend to be cat lovers Smile

VivaLeBeaver · 14/07/2015 22:53

Bless you.

When we got our first dog the cats disappeared pretty much for two weeks. They'd come in when the dog was out but otherwise were skulking on the shed rooves. They got used to her.

After she died and we got another dog the cats were pissed off again and camped out for a bit. Not helped by the fact that dog went crazy every time he saw one of the cats. Again the dog calmed down and the cats returned.

I found getting a dog for the first time harder than bringing a baby home!

Original poster
Eliza22 · 15/07/2015 08:40

Viva thanks, that's very kind of you. All the reply posts have been so encouraging and it's good to know that others have gone through the exact same thing/feelings. The pup is such a good girl. I guess I didn't realise the amount of energy/attention they needed! Naive much!? Shock

I feel guilty leaving her when I have to shop because she follows me all over the house! It's just like a baby when mummy leaves the room to take a shower! We've had a massive play and run about this morning and she's spark out now (for ten minutes). I must try to be positive and focus on the adult companion dog we will have in the future.

OP posts:
Original poster
Eliza22 · 15/07/2015 08:57

Mixedpeel DS, as I say, is high functioning (not genius savant!) but good vocabulary, can hold a brief conversation. Reasoning is hard and memory poor so, he needs lots of reminders/ prompts constantly. He said last night that he doesn't want to let the dog go but he's very upset that the cat is spending all her time under the bed and she is so, so scared. DS is very emotional and at 14 has all the teen issues going on. Oh, what fun!

OP posts:
ClaraSilver · 15/07/2015 09:00

Another dog-lover here, three rescues but all were rescued as puppies. I love, love, love dogs but still had moments where I was thinking 'what have I done'! Puppies are enormously hard work and I won't even mention adolescence which we're going through with youngest dog! (who wouldn't want massive craters all over the garden)

However, it will pass and it is totally worth it. As for the cat, as everyone has said, they will get used to each other and probably end up best of friends. I grew up with cats and dogs and after the initial couple of weeks of wariness all was fine. Only problem we ever had was when we got another cat - the dog and cats got on fine, the two cats hated each other Wink

BrendaBlackhead · 15/07/2015 09:28

Just a thought, OP, but would your ds like to watch YouTube clips of golden retrievers? It will show him the joys to come!

Particularly good ones are "Golden Loves Guitar" and one which I think is called something like Golden vs German Shepherd spaghetti eating

My dcs (and ds is 16!) spend hours awwwing and aahhhing over golden retriever clips!

yummumto3girls · 15/07/2015 09:58

Agree, they will settle down. Use gates and crates so the puppy can be contained and the cat has got safe places to go. Our cat lived upstairs for the first few weeks, gate at the bottom so puppy could not get up there. Eventually the cat worked her way down the stairs until they made friends but the cat was boss. This way your son can spend time with the cat upstairs while they are all settling down. Give it time.

Crosbybeach · 15/07/2015 10:12

Another one to say, we introduced a 2 year old bouncy dog to our had for ever cat. The cat took was standoffish for a while, till it realised that this was permanent, and then made the best of it. They were never the best of friends but would curl up together sometimes.

JoffreyBaratheon · 15/07/2015 10:17

I was "lucky" in a way my autistic son is so literal that if you tell him something, he totally holds onto it in his head. So when he was worried about the cat's quality of life suffering cos pup chased her etc, I reassured him once or twice that our old dog had been the same (with the same cat - 14 years earlier!) but because he'd been young he couldn't remember that, and that he just had to give it time. I wasn't even sure they would settle down at the time I said that. But they have. The cat is 20 and this is probably her last summer. She is really slowing down, now. But over the past 8 months we have had pup, it has got to the point pup will ignore her now and stop trying to force cat to play with her, and pup even seems to rather like the cat. The cat had an extremely close bond with our old staffy, but they too had a dodgy start.

Original poster
Eliza22 · 15/07/2015 12:02

Our cat is 7 and was a wild mog. She is loving now with us but it's been a long time coming. She's nervous and the typical "scaredy cat".

I suppose I just feel overwhelmed by the responsibility and "grounded" (not that I lead the high life) like I can't more without pup needing me.

OP posts:
babybat · 15/07/2015 12:03

Perhaps a Feliway plug in might help the cat relax a bit? They mimic the smell of cat pheromones and can help them feel less stressed and anxious.

MarieWelly · 15/07/2015 12:19

Yes be patient, make sure your cat has safety areas that the pup can't get in to but place something with his scent in thereto help introduce her as not a threat. you could also try rubbing a blanket that your cat sleeps on onto the pup just before a controlled 'meeting'.

Also make sure there are high areas where the cat can escape to and observe pup at a safe distance - oh and easy escape routes too.

Don't worry it will get easier. I had similar panic when I introduced a new kitten to my cat - there was a week of hissing & huffing but they got over it.

Also spend some time explaining to your DS that they're just sussing each other out & that tensions will ease.

LithaR · 15/07/2015 12:25

I second feliaway. It's been absolutely vital for my two.

hiddenhome · 15/07/2015 13:51

Order the Feliway from eBay. It's loads cheaper than from the shops.

Original poster
Eliza22 · 15/07/2015 15:55

Where would I put the Feliway?

OP posts:
Topseyt · 15/07/2015 16:45

11 years ago I bought an 8 week old male labrador puppy. I had yearned for one for many years and looked into it loads.

At the time I had a three year old ginger tom cat who had been used to being my only pet. I also had two year old DD3, who I was toilet training at the time.

It was a baptism of fire, and I could easily have written a post similar to yours. The cat was most unimpressed with the puppy and would not come near. In addition, house training a puppy and toilet training a toddler is hardly a walk in the park and if I tried to say we had no disasters and all went swimmingly then you would all quite rightly disbelieve me.

Given time (a few weeks, as I have a stubborn cat) and cat began to accept the puppy, if not like him. Open hostilities ceased and they could be in the same room without bothering each other. Cat also learned that a single hiss swipe with his paw would gain him instant control of any situation. I just had to watch that he didn't get pup in the eye, which he didn't. My labrador was never harmed in any way be having his ears boxed by the cat.

My labrador is now 11 years old, my DD3 is 13, the cat is 14 and we also have a crazy cocker spaniel who is 10. It isn't unusual these days to find all three pets sleeping in the same room ignoring each other completely.

DepthFirstSearch · 15/07/2015 18:00

I seriously considered giving my puppy back four days in. Now I'm so glad I didn't; this was just my first dog and I had no idea of how much hard work they are at the beginning, but in a couple of weeks we were settled and I couldn't imagine life without him! Hang in there.

AliceInSandwichLand · 15/07/2015 18:58

You've had lots or good advice; two more bits - start leaving her now, just for a few minutes at a time, don't create a puppy you have trouble leaving because you are worried about leaving her and feel guilty. And the more time you spend on housetraining NOW the easier it will be. Go out with her, get her doing it in the right place and praise her when she does; maybe DS would like to help supervise this or keep a record of each time she does it right or something. The first few weeks of a new puppy are really hard, but the more time you put in now the easier things will be down the line, and it does get better, honest! And the cat will get over it, they almost always do :)

Original poster
Eliza22 · 16/07/2015 09:03

Thanks all for the advice and encouragement. I appreciate it so much. xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Eliza22 · 17/07/2015 11:56

I am a wicked, wicked lady. I was up at 6.30 to see to pup before ds was up. By 7am I was haring around the garden dragging a toy for her. I've taken her for a little ten minute ride in the car to get her used to it, as advised. I've done the "potty training" consistently but she's weed all over today. And now....I'm ashamed to say I just want her to go away and leave me in peace. She looks sad.

OP posts:
babybat · 17/07/2015 12:01

The Feliway things are plug-ins, like air fresheners. Perhaps try putting one in the room the cat spends most time in, such as the bedroom where she hides under the bed? That will help to create a safe space for her and might encourage her to come out a bit.