AIBU? Had puppy 4 days......overwhelmed.

[Eliza22]

Does this happen? I feel overwhelmed.

Story...

My son is 14 and has autism and OCD. He has no friends despite many many efforts. He is high functioning. We've had his name on a list for an autism assistance dog for years but he's now too old for the list. A year ago, we sourced a breeder and decided to get him the doggy companion ourselves. So far so good. Two litters went by....no bitch for us until now.

The pup is beautiful. Full of energy but very clever, as these Goldens are! But, my son is tearful and upset (and so am I) because we have a beloved cat who is 7. She has taken the dog very, very badly. Last night, my son came to me in tears saying "I miss Tallulah (the cat), I want the dog to go away if we are going to lose Tallulah".

I should add....I'm 53 and menopausally emotional at the best of times. Have I made a massive mistake? We've had the idea of a golden retriever companion for our son for so so long, what HAVE I done?! I feel like ringing the breeder and saying keep the cash....I've made a mistake.

Help!

I still remember the first week after getting my 1 year old dog from a rescue- it was a nightmare! She was like a puppy, as still very young and had not been trained to walk on a lead, not house trained, didn't even know her name as she had been a stray and was named by the shelter. It really felt like the worst mistake I'd ever made, and I had an unplanned pregnancy at 18 so that's saying something!

8 years later, I know it was the second best thing I ever did (first was continuing with my pregnancy!). The stress will pass.

We also crate train which is good for us and the puppy & particularly the cats

We've given the entire process lots of thought and preparation. We have a one-to-one training coming to the house to work with my son and his puppy (and me) and she is already booked into puppy socialisation classes for when her immunisations are complete (started yesterday).

We have a stair gate over the utility with her basket and food and the cat is mostly upstairs. I have moved the cat's food and water to our landing.

I did give it all much thought. It wasn't a snap decision in any sense and I even when to talk with the vet's practice nurse about how best to orientate the cat. The shirt I wore the first time I saw the puppy was left around the house in different rooms for the cat to sniff and have an idea what "that" smell was.

I feel guilty toward my family, for all the upheaval and to the cat and the poor wee pup.

Ah no, don't think like that, the cat and dog will be fine. Do a bit of scent swapping, rub a towel over the pup and then the cat and vice versa. I had a wobble when I got my cats and they scratched everything then both got ill. Now they're a bit older they are a delight. It'll get better.

As others have said this part will pass. It's 4 days. It's a massive adjustment for the cat, it takes time to adjust.

puppies are bloody hard work. Ive had several dogs, but only one from a small pup, and i vowed never again. She turned out lovely, but theyre babies. Babies that you cant put a nappy on, and that run everywhere and nip you.

It will get easier if you have the patience, but it is overwhelming. I cried many times

It's too soon and your expectations are too high. We're on day 7 of a very similar situation. Our (rather spoilt) cats are adapting and things are settling down into more of a routine. Having said that, we do expect 'hassle' for a few months yet until the pup matures and training starts to kick in.

One problem you might want to think about is that the cat may start to simply take refuge in the bedrooms continually. Make sure she has plenty of high places in the main living areas. Give high value treats when she comes in there.

We have had our puppy 3 weeks and the cats are not keen but starting to become braver. Puppy starts training classes this week so hoping we can train her not to chase them! She loves the cats food though so we have sort of sectioned off the house so the cats get access to parts the puppy doesn't and vice versa (so the cats can eat in peace!). Can the cat camp out in your DS's bedroom for a bit? It will get easier and you haven't made a massive mistake at all.

Two years ago I wrote a very similar post to yours, OP and got flamed by the doggy people who think only those who have had dogs for ten generations should be owners. We had a golden retriever puppy and he was as mad as a hatter. I thought I'd made the most terrible mistake. He bit, he rampaged, he woke up every morning at 5am, he was sick and had diarrhea if he went in the car - he was a real shock to the system.

The first year was a challenge to say the least. He was very boisterous and until he was neutered he was... er... the dog version of Benny Hill. We even had to leave dog training "by mutual agreement". I couldn't hang the washing out - five minutes later it would be whizzing round the garden or buried in the flowerbeds. He badly pulled on the lead. Dog hair has destroyed two vacuum cleaners (and one was a special "pet hair" one). In fact his only good point is that he never, even once, had an accident in the house and he never jumps up.

We got a personal trainer (who mostly trained me) and that was brilliant. I have put in loads of time with him.

Two years on and dog is the most adored member of the family. He is awesome . He is loyal, loving, super friendly to everyone, gentle. He still has mad five minutes and is a skilled thief, but he honestly is the best.

There is nothing like seeing that face when you come home or first thing in the morning. The highlight of my day is my cup of coffee first thing in the morning having a big hairy cuddle.

It will get better , honestly. Many times I thought - what have I done...

The cat will get used to the dog, honestly. I have introduced 8 dogs to 6 cats in my doggy owning lifetime. You have to give it a few weeks before making a judgement call, seriously.
One of my older adopted cats hid under a bed for several days only coming out for water in the dead of night. We had 3 dogs. By the end of the week, he was lying on the settee with them .
I was as upset as you, on the phone in tears to the rescue asking what to do- they said 'ring us back in two weeks, we don't want to hear from you until then, because things WILL get better..if they don't, feel free to call back AFTER that time'

With our latest cat, we have had her over a year and just 2 months ago got our new dog, a 3 year old dog not used to cats. He chased the cat, and our other more laid back cat (who has learned over the years just to stand still so the chase ends and the dog walks away), so out came the training discs.(Mikki training discs a few quid from Amazon) If the dog chases the cat, you throw the discs on the floor next to the dog and they DO work. If its just a case of the cat doesnt like the puppy, things will be even easier in time...just give it time

The puppy, bless her is brilliant. She just looked at the cat. DH held the puss and I held the pup. They had a sniff of each other and even when the cat hissed and struck out, the puppy only whined as cat caught her nose.

DS being tearful is hard for me. He's being bullied at school at the moment and just keeps saying he misses the cat. Last night, the cat was under the bed and DS was lying full length by the bed on the floor crying. Who says autistic people don't empathise?

Thank you all, some lovely encouraging tales there of cat/dog successes. Thank heavens for Mumsnet and such support!

I remember getting our black lab, the first month or so i felt so depressed! The resonsibility, not feeling like i could go anywhere, the chaos. To be honest it felt the same when i had my daughter!
However, i promise you things to get easier. Our dog is now 5 and currently asleep on my feet as i type this.
Sign up to some puppy training classes and make sure she is getting enough (but not too much) exercise.
Not sure if you have a puppy crate, but our dog loved his - it was his safe place. We used to pop him in it regularly as a puppy when we were both in and out of the house, so he recognised it was 'his' space. I would recommend you getting one if you don't have one.
Finally Good luck.

Your son's reaction must be tough to take. I agree with others that the cat will most likely adjust to the pup in good time.

In the meantime can you tell your son the stories of people on this thread about how their cats got used to their dogs, and maybe discuss with him the practical ideas you've been given. I appreciate it might be tricky because the precise timescale is unknown, so it's not a guaranteed step by step process with a definite end result.

How is son's memory for this kind of event? I'm thinking, longer term, you might be able to use this to help him make adjustments himself. You know, "remember when Cat was scared of Dog? And we did x, y and z, and now look at them?"

Don't know if this is helpful. Just trying to help you see that his distress is not automatically a totally negative thing.

I've just looked round to see what my cat and dog are up to, to see if I could give you hope.

This is what I found. It is not a cat bed.

Puppy here too, with elderly moggy. Also have an autistic son (mine is 21 though) who lives for the pets, and is particularly fond of the ancient cat. He also was upset when pup drove cat mad, but pup is now 10 months and things have settled. In our case, the dog didn't hate the cat - just couldn't understand why cat won't play rough like another puppy would. Now, a few months on, she largely leaves the cat alone.

Cat and dog will settle down - give it time. Maybe allow your son to have the cat in his room and spend time with just her - giving her a break from pup and time with him(my son or husband cuddle the cat every evening and she falls asleep on them). Also, on a practical level, we got the cat a basket and that is on the kitchen table where dog can't reach. The cat has her own little retreat and she loves it now.

It is really, really difficult. Our pup was winter pup and took months to housetrain. Months. The worst we have ever had. And also annoyed the cat endlessly but we hung in there. It is not an exaggeration to say it is worse than having a newborn baby. I should know - I had 5 babies! But this last pup was far more disruptive and difficult. And even though I have had dogs all my life and several from 8 weeks old, I'd forgotten how tough it is. Some of the negative, judgy posts here are probably from people who have never had a dog or who have forgotten what it's like to have a young pup. I think it is normal to wonder if you did the right thing, etc. Try and find some positive solutions before you despair. Baby gate to separate cat and dog? Cat's new bed in a high place? And designated Cat Time.

Get Vicky Hall's Cat Confidential. Lots of great advice about how to introduce a new animal to a house with a resident cat. It will help your son as well.

amzn.to/1M7KGeg

Soup thanks for the pic, it gives me hope! If that's where we can get to....I'll persevere!

About 10 minutes ago, SoupDogg was asleep on the blanket on the floor in front of his own basket whilst FatCat snoozed in comfort :)

Tricky one.
I appreciate your reasons for wanting a dog and you've obviously not made a spur of the moment 'child wants a dog so let's get one and hang the consequences' type decision.

Don't worry about the cat, she will get used to it. Most dogs take a few weeks to get used to another dog in the home (let alone a cat getting used to a dog) so give her time.

Pups are really, really demanding and will continue to be so for many months to come. If you want to end up with a well behaved dog then please consider training classes and make sure your dog gets enough exercise and mental stimulation. Low effort dogs Goldies are most definitely not.
If you were looking for an easy, un-demanding animal then you've made a mistake and should get in touch with the breeder now as young dogs are much easier to rehome. If you wait until it's 10 months old then the poor thing may well be consigned to life in a dogs home.

I breed spaniels and I reckon the biggest problem with the dog buying public is that most people don't research their chosen breed enough, they just buy because they're 'cute and fluffy' or 'strokeable' or whatever.

I reckon that refuse to sell my dogs to about half of the people who contact me because I think there is a fair chance that they won't be able to meet the dogs needs.

Hang tight, it will get so much better I promise. In a year you will have such a bond with the dog, as will your son.

My puppy is 5.5 months and is an utter joy. I look back at those crazy first weeks and think it was so worth it. They really are like babies and crazy bitey toddlers though. People don't realise quite how full on they are.

Zak George and Victoria Stilwell videos on youtube are fantastic. I watched the, religiously. I think expectation is key too...puppies do massively disrupt things. They chew, the pee, they bark. That's normal. They do grow out of it.

Golden retrievers (if trained properly, it's not difficult with them) are one of the more placid and obedient breeds. But it does take over your life and if you're not willing to go along with that, yes I would give him back while he's tiny enough to be easily rehomed.

It called the puppy blues my dear. It shall pass.

It's even