To be really really struggling with being back at work?

[Whatthehelliswrongwithme]

I am feeling pretty desperate this evening. Before DD was born, I know that I was reasonably good at my job. I'm sure I wasn't the best lawyer ever to walk this earth, but I was perfectly competent and I knew my own job pretty well.

I've been back from maternity leave now for 9 months and I feel as though I must be losing my mind. I have gone down to 4 days a week, and I go in early and leave early to pick up DD, but invariably have ended up doing at least the 5th (and 6th) day's worth of work anyway - after DD goes to bed and at weekends. Notwithstanding the extra hours, I feel like I am missing things all over the place. It's not laziness; I appreciate that flexible working requires both parties to be flexible so I know that there will be some times when I will need to put in the extra hours. It's more that despite the extra hours, there just aren't enough hours in the day or days in the week, and I feel as though I am dropping balls because everything is rushed. I've mostly managed to catch them before anything really terrible happens, but even then, it's humiliating and unprofessional to have to re-send corrected documents after the original version has gone out and I don't know what the hell has happened to my brain. It frightens me.

I can't sleep and I feel sick all the time and I just don't know what to do. I used to think that my going out to work was going to allow DD to grow up with the view that she would have a career as a matter of course but now, for the first time, I feel as though my working is having a severely detrimental effect on my time with her. I am distracted and stressed all the time. We could survive on DH's salary but due to the nature of the legal job market, if I were to leave it is extremely unlikely that I would be able to re-enter at a later date. I also feel that I'm not particularly good at being a SAHP. Maybe that's the problem; I used to feel like a generally competent person and now I feel as though I am making an almighty mess of everything.

Has anyone else felt like this? I feel as though I am going mad.

I'm not in law but in another type of job where I'm expected to be able to think clearly and get through a reasonable volume of work relatively quickly and without (too many) mistakes.

I currently work fewer hours than you but have more children!

What strikes me is the "not sleeping and feeling sick all the time", I agree with previous posters who have said there are possible signs of anxiety there. It may not necessarily just be the work/baby/wife stuff by itself but also that you sound overstimulated. Anxiety plus not enough sleep can make you "distracted and stressed all the time" and often lowers your mood which can affect your confidence and resilience. Resilience is important when you're returning after a break because I know I always felt very conscious that I'd been away, although most likely my colleagues were too busy themselves to pay me any attention although I felt under scrutiny>

In short, I'm sure you are completely competent at lawyering, your brain most likely hasn't left forever and your DD will most likely grow up fine in spite of a distracted mum.

I've been like that when I've gone back after each of my 4 DCs but it abates once I find my work rhythm again. Exercise is good, so is crossing things off lists, as is deliberately letting work thoughts fade when I leave and go and pick up the kids. It has also helped to know that even if I'm worried about work and a bit distracted my children don't really notice as long as they've got some of my attention. I also found it helpful, instead of thinking, "Oh, Ive got the day with DC, I must do all the millions of things I don't do at work" to actually think of some activities that seem the most important, such as a trip to the park, a few stories and a puzzle or whatever. It sounds a bit silly but being specific helps me alleviate guilt and stops procrastination. I'm not always a very good SAHP either on my days off - I find it boring and relentless and I'm cross more than I'd like. In spite of that, my big kids are happy, healthy, clever and have friends and love me so I don't fret too much anymore if I'm having a crappy day with the younger two.

Finally, sleep is very very important. everything is harder if you're exhausted.

warning
in the interests of trying to help, evangelilcal smug post below.
sorry.

poor you. its tough. im a lawyer and went back f/t to my US London firm when my first was 3 months old. I immediately found a didnt give a crap. the work was fine, but the hours and hours of pointless crap, pointless meetings and pointless pointless pointlessness of it all drove me bonkers. sure, i was being paid OK but i didnt feel like the pointless pointlessness really deserved pay. the hours of working for the clients, yes. but not that. plus, i would have rathered been with my child.

within a few months i decided to leave and became a consultant to one of the consultancy firms. i've since had two more children and my income has nearly quadroupled (i wasnt being paid typical US rates!). my career has also progressed, not because im now partner, or equity or whatever, but because i am recognised within my sector and work directly with (ok, against) all the top tier lawyers.

because i work from home i see a lot of the children, although i am not in charge of them. its lovely really, i can swan in and have an icelolly with them then go back to the office. much better than a pret coffee bitching with colleagues about the equity. plus when i am quiet i take afternoons off here and there. theres no fuss if i am needed at home for whatever reason, i simply make up the time later that evening. and unless i have client demands i dont miss any school stuff (unless i want to!).

it is tricky to take proper holidays and i've only had a few weeks off over the past 5 years. and no maternity leave so back at it days after sections and in court hobbling along with my bundles within a few weeks. and i work long hours a lot of the time. but doing it this way means the pintlessness is gone. if i am working hard i get paid well. if im not then i dont, but i get to spend more time with the kids. so it focuses the mind and takes away the fog. and if i need to (and child care permits) i can have a lie in because there is no commute.

i appreciate this may not be an option for the OP who has gone in house but i saw there were lots of others who were in similar positions so thought i would post in case it sparked some ideas in some of them. i always say that it isnt the law which is at fault (for being a difficult profession) but the way you practice it. this way isnt without its stress or risks either but it has solved the career/kids issue for our family brilliantly.

I canvassed and had huge amounts of feedback when I was pregnant with DC1. "Don't do a 4 day week - you do a FT job for 20% less pay and holidays". They were right I think. I have never met any woman in any job/sector that isn't doing a FT job in their "reduced" hours. They either leave and are replaced by someone [or two] FT workers or go back to a 5 day week and use the cash to outsource some of their home stresses. It's a mugs game.

You are in-house so in theory step 1 of destressing your legal career is complete however in reality this has not been borne out.

Before you go back into the office next week, I think you should try to sit down and think about what you really want to get out of the conversation with your line manager? You need to walk away from that chat knowing that they know what you want.

Is it acknowledgement of all the extra hours - whoopee do in the grand scheme of things to have a well done and a pat on the shoulder
More financial compensation - feck all point if you are stressed to burn out point
More resource at your disposal ie, to hire someone, or to outsource, or to look at whether there are areas of high volume work that could be managed out by developing of company templates etc ?
To reduce your hours further eg: 3 days a week. I'd suggest having a plan as to how that could be achieved.
To put strict limits around your working hours so you can leave the job at the door in the evening and know that your line manager will help you to manage any fall-out.

Are you part of a bigger organisation that you could draw resource from? eg: all the IT stuff goes to head office or similar?

Finally, you also need to manage the conversation carefully. I would ensure that I followed it up with a summary in writing [copied to my personal account] summarising the issues so your line manager can't feign ignorance to HR at a later date.

Just know this - if you were run over in the morning, they could and would replace you in days. Don't kill yourself trying to serve any company you don't own.

Interesting to see so many people supporting my point - that going to full time hours might be the answer. Obviously the other side of it is tolerating no sexism at home ever and both pulling your weight there.
The third key is about the anxiety issue. Haivng a baby does not affect the brain for most of us. So if you are thinking because you gave birth your brain is worse that is just rubbish. If you are missing points then we cannot blame the baby. Just take a bit more time to check things through. Perhaps your company could recruit a para legal as you are the sole in house lawyer. Perhaps more work could be put out externally. Someone said I was saving her life last week (in house lawyer, passing me work).

Also remember this is the hardest phase of your life. It will get easier and easier (now I have teenagers it's easy) so getting through now is going to be so so worth it.
Tread is correct about loyalty too. You are your business and brand. You need to invest in you and your career and don't assume any employer ever will have you at the centre of its priorities.

If you are missing points then we cannot blame the baby.

If the baby doesn't sleep and sleep deprivation is causing brain fog I would suggest that the causal factor is absolutely the baby!

Can you not just give up work, downsize your lifestyle, and stay at home with DD? There are plenty of things we can do without. Being a stay at home mum more than compensates.

If you are missing points then we cannot blame the baby.
Another one saying sleep deprivation a major factor
Also being out of practice meaning you need to relearn things, think about things you wouldn't have before.
But finally I think it is brain overload. You have lots of other things to think about - before you might be driving home and thinking about your latest piece of work, points you need to watch out for, with maybe a wee bit of home/personal related stuff thrown in - now in addition you have a DC in the back and you are singing nursery rhymes or I must remember to ...pick up some nappies or teething gel or pay the nursery etc, book her holiday time off at nursery, when is her next vaccination due, have I booked time off work etc etc etc
That's why I think you need to simplify your home life to give yourself more brain space too.

Being a stay at home mum more than compensates.

Sah is not for everyone.

So many stressed people, here it's awful. Agree that part time is usually full time workload, part time pay.

I found the only way I could sanely work while my DV were very small, was by having a SAHD. I appreciate this is not workable for everyone, but if you can it is worth considering. When they start school, it's gets harder in some ways as there is always an assembly, or someone has been sick, or an inset day etc etc, so you have school plus wrap around childcare to deal with, nit just childcare.

I don't want to make people feel worse, I actually just wanted to say also, that as the DC get older, it does get easier in lots of ways, especially if you can get proper sleep again. I found that as the very small DC pressure eased off, I was better at my job as I had learnt to prioritise and manage my time better. I also formed very good client relationships due to the patience I had to cultivate with little people. (I've had to stop work due to ill health and it really puts it into perspective) So there are lots of advantages to being a parent in the workplace as well as disadvantages too.

I'm waiting for Xenia to come along and tell you all what you're doing wrong

for everyone struggling. There is light at the end of the tunnel. I am just waiting for my teenager to bring me a cup of tea in bed!

Poor you, OP. Sounds horrible. I'm sure not sleeping is having a hugely detrimental affect on your judgement of how well you're doing.

I haven't read the rest of the thread yet but, this is what I would do:

1. Find help - housekeeping and somebody to pick up/drop off daughter.
2. Use help from husband to shop online, prepare food, make stuff for freezer so that you have 'ready meals' always.
3. Go back to full time working; it sounds as if you're there anyway and the money would come in handy to fund 1).

If you went back full time you would have that extra day that you think you need and it would take the pressure off your thoughts that you're not doing a good job, I'm sure you are.

Lawcare yes that's the charity I was thinking about - brilliant advice given. Can you speak to them before your line manager chat? They might have some evidence to support any practical changes you suggest. Good luck with all the actions - I think all the posters on here are grateful for this thread. I'm now shitting myself about going back to work in a few months post dc2. But....it is only a job. Which I know doesn't help when you're feeling stressed out. But imagine if you were advising a sister instead...wouldn't you tell her the same?

Hi OP,

Fellow lawyer with a toddler here. I know exactly what you mean about dropping balls - I have caught a few later than I should have and it's not good for your confidence.

Lots of really good advice above and here are two practical tips from me which have helped me a lot since I made them a rule a few months ago and might help you:

(1) so far as you possibly can, don't send anything significant out the day you draft it. Print it, put it on the side of your desk and read it over the following morning; and

(2) take the time to sit down one weekend and work out how much time you realistically need to do everything in your life. Then draw up a timetable. Mine is colour coded! I have included time to do all the life admin that never otherwise happens and blocked out time for my commute. I have an hour set aside each morning for little tasks like short emails etc that otherwise disturb my train of thought. It means that when it pops into my head at 3pm that I haven't paid a bill I don't immediately stop what I'm doing in a panic, I just think "I'll pay it in my admin hour tomorrow". For me, so far, this has been life changing - and well worth the shame of my colleagues seeing my colour coded bit of paper stuck to the wall!

Good luck - we all worked hard to get here, and it's totally ok to stop if you want to, but make sure you won't regret it later.

Just read unlucky83's post - yes to the brain overload that is such a good description. It's a killer.

I support small fish's point - about pausing and checking. I am senior enough now to set my own hours and usually can decide what time of day I do things. I know first thing I am better than late at night but even I if I have done something when I am tired will not do it as well. What I meant above about don't blame the baby is we see a lot of women posting comments that if you are pregnant or have given birth the quality of your thoughts and your brain are impaired. That is just a conspiracy to keep women at home and has no scientific fact. I did not mean that mothers and fathers and non parents do not do poor work when tired! I did not mean to suggest that. I want to hear about the father in all this however. If he suffering from brain fog beause he's up in the night every few hours or is he a sexist pig who because he has a penis comes first and is never allowed to get tired?

Sorry; I've just seen these. I am genuinely grateful for the sympathy but I can't even blame sleep deprivation. Things have improved massively since last year and most nights, DD sleeps through until at least 5.30-6.00 ish. DH and I take it in turns to do the early mornings. That is partly why I'm frightened that my brain doesn't seem to be working as it used to - because I can't even blame frequent night wakings. I do feel like the inside of my head is absolutely overloaded and I am panicking so much about everything, all the time, that I feel as though there's almost no room for anything else in there. Of course, I totally agree with previous posters about checking repeatedly; genuinely, I'm checking everything as often as physically possible within the time that I have but I feel that I'm not seeing things that I used to. It isn't due to lack of effort or care. I don't know what it is. It is really frightening.

Have you tried mindfulness?

I know what you mean about your head being too full - there are so many things to care and worry about and everyone wants something from you. It's manic inside my head often, I feel so close to panic when multiple people pile pressure on and I can't find the space and energy to even prioritise them.

I've found it hugely helpful just to take some time to stop and be in the moment. By myself.

Not a lawyer but a hospital doctor (now a consultant). There is no way you should be leaving early every night to pick up Dd. That simply isn't on as others have said you need at least one night a week where you "have permission" to stay as late as you damp well please to sort stuff out. My "nights" are tuesday and Friday, the later not ideal admitededly. Your dp needs to step up if that means collecting at 6 or arranging g a babysitter to do it for him- but it is his responsibility. Honestly it will make a massive difference.

On the whole ft/pt thing I liked 0.7 (so alternate 3 and 4 day weeks) look at it this way,you work 4 days so even if you split the week 50:50 he should do at least 2 pick ups when your working. Don't accept being the default parent.

When I went back 4 days per week I felt I ended up not really performing well at work, or being a great Mum. 2 things happened! We got a cleaner and I went back to 5 days. I'm now better at work and at home.

I've done a million permutations over the past 15 years. I'm currently 0.6 (not lawyer) and although I'm doing well over my share, it's ok and it still leaves me time with the kids. DH helps with the dropping off 4 days a week and collection once.

There may not be evidence about baby brain at a large scale (and I know there isn't) but I swear I felt it despite resisting it and telling myself it's not happening.

BTW there's a whole page article in today's Guardian about recruitment in Law.

I totally forgot Xenia - haven't seen her around in ages. And OP I completely get what you mean about it being like you just can't do the job in the same way after kids. Mine mainly sleep through, I WFH loads but I still cannot see the detail I could see before and I know stuff has gone out wrong because of that and it erodes your confidence and you don't know where the old version of you that was competent and very thorough and didn't miss points has gone. I can't find that version of me after two years.

Another hospital dr here. I really identified with you when you said this -

I do feel like the inside of my head is absolutely overloaded and I am panicking so much about everything, all the time, that I feel as though there's almost no room for anything else in there.

I have actually just finished 6 sessions with a clinical psychologist, regarding my anxiety around work. We talked a lot about how taking a deep breath and stepping back mentally brings clarity. It has been tremendously helpful, and I am reading 'Mindful Compassion' by Paul Dilbert which is also very good.

Oops, that should be Paul Gilbert

really interesting thread.

I am a professional, not lawyer but similar levels of stress and I have had very similar feelings of total panic and failure in the first few months back at work.

I think its a real shame that people (anyone, man or woman) feels that full time is the only option - when really they would prefer part time. SUrely we all need to resist that? As a society, as humans so many of us actually want a better work life balance and want more time with our children - if all of us just give in and do full time then nobody wins.

I think we all need to hold on to what we really want and make it work. Find a rhythm that suits us and believe that we have something to offer the world of work. I know I do, I know I will find my rhythm but I don't want to fit into the agenda of a giant corporation (even though the one I work for has well meaning aims in the world - it's still a big company!) - I want my own agenda.

Out of interest how many of us experiencing the brain fog, the lesser sharpness of brain, etc are older mums? I know there's the baby brain snickers generally but I often wonder if it's a combination of just getting older too? Maybe with the interruption of children at a crucial point when your body is ageing anyway hastens the mental process of decrepitude ? along with your metabolism and eruption of grey hairs ?

Older people are encouraged to do crosswords and other mental agility tasks to keep their brain sharp and slow down progress of dementia etc.

Just a random though from the peanut gallery