To be really really struggling with being back at work?

[Whatthehelliswrongwithme]

I am feeling pretty desperate this evening. Before DD was born, I know that I was reasonably good at my job. I'm sure I wasn't the best lawyer ever to walk this earth, but I was perfectly competent and I knew my own job pretty well.

I've been back from maternity leave now for 9 months and I feel as though I must be losing my mind. I have gone down to 4 days a week, and I go in early and leave early to pick up DD, but invariably have ended up doing at least the 5th (and 6th) day's worth of work anyway - after DD goes to bed and at weekends. Notwithstanding the extra hours, I feel like I am missing things all over the place. It's not laziness; I appreciate that flexible working requires both parties to be flexible so I know that there will be some times when I will need to put in the extra hours. It's more that despite the extra hours, there just aren't enough hours in the day or days in the week, and I feel as though I am dropping balls because everything is rushed. I've mostly managed to catch them before anything really terrible happens, but even then, it's humiliating and unprofessional to have to re-send corrected documents after the original version has gone out and I don't know what the hell has happened to my brain. It frightens me.

I can't sleep and I feel sick all the time and I just don't know what to do. I used to think that my going out to work was going to allow DD to grow up with the view that she would have a career as a matter of course but now, for the first time, I feel as though my working is having a severely detrimental effect on my time with her. I am distracted and stressed all the time. We could survive on DH's salary but due to the nature of the legal job market, if I were to leave it is extremely unlikely that I would be able to re-enter at a later date. I also feel that I'm not particularly good at being a SAHP. Maybe that's the problem; I used to feel like a generally competent person and now I feel as though I am making an almighty mess of everything.

Has anyone else felt like this? I feel as though I am going mad.

Kardamyli I do agree the feasibility of managing the workload depends massively on the area of law and culture of the firm.

Op same situation here. try to go inhouse longer term - banks are good /flexible places in general. Also there is that charity which gives excellent advice to stressed out lawyers - But I can't remember the name of it. But we got them to do a (free) session at out work place and everyone benefitted.

I completely understand OP. I am a lawyer too and since having dd it scares me rigid what appears to have happened to my previously sharp mind. I am now off on maternity leave with ds and it looks like I won't have a position to go back too, and I'm worried I won't be able to find something else. I want to work, I need to work, and I understand wanting to show your dd that she can have a strong career too - my daughter actually said to me that daddys go to work and mummys stay home even though I was working at the time.
In terms of suggestions, myself and lawyer friends I know find that three days lowers workload expectations to a more manageable level, anyone on 4 days always has a ft caseload. Any scope to reduce a further day?

I have a (non-legal) very stressful corporate job and you have all my sympathy.

DD is 18 months and the reason I survive is because DH does all the weekday childcare. The only way I can function at work is to keep my mind solely on work from the minute I walk out the door until I get home. And I'm out of the house for 12-13 hours most days I couldn't do it without DH taking the bulk of the childcare load. I still do every second night (DD hasn't slept for more than 3 hours at a stretch ever) and that keeps me near enough dead with tiredness, I couldn't worry about nursery pick ups as well.

You have my sympathy

I've only been back at work for 5 months and I find it so hard being away from DS. I still cry about it at least once a week.

It sounds as if part of the problem is that you have lost confidence in your abilities, which isn't unusual after time away on maternity (or other) leave. I think that a fairly big chunk of what it takes to be well regarded as a lawyer is self confidence, so you need to find a way to get that confidence back. But you don't have to be perfect of course, or worry about every tiny mistake, maybe you are also holding yourself to a higher standard than more confident colleagues would? I certainly get documents from large law firms which are not accurate first time round. I sigh and roll my eyes but I don't think it means they aren't good lawyers really.

I work full time in-house and have since my children were tiny, it's a pretty good work life balance. I've also hired lawyers who have had longish career breaks, as much as 10 years, and they've still been capable of being good lawyers.

I can identify with the brain fuzz. Like a cotton wool wrapping of previously sharp intellect. Massively frustrating and mildly terrifying, as if you're entering early dementia. Got worse after dc2 for me and hasn't improved.

I was a highly ambitious professional, that changed too. DC are 5 and 2 and I now try to do the best I can but also try to let go the imperfections. It takes quite an effort. My priority is now my family and I just work 3 days plus some weekends. I'm fortunate that I could go PT without compromising my job or colleagues. I enjoy my job but suspect I will never be so career focused again.

In your situation I'd be looking for an alternative career. Something with more child friendly hours or just less pressure to deliver to deadlines.

IMO it's the sleep deprivation that messes with your brain as much as pg itself - 5 years of broken sleep has stuffed mine completely!

Good luck OP. It's a very tough choice but do what feels right for now. You never know what's around the corner.

I have been on a four day week. On my day off I have had to be in constant email contact, sometimes drafting letters etc. I have found it very hard to make my billing targets as I am not considered for any work that comes in on my day off. I can't stay late in the office, though I do work from home in the evening and so I miss out on interesting work that way.
To be promoted I wd have to exceed my financial targets and do all the marketing, profile raising stuff and there simply are not enough hours in the day.
The fog of motherhood has lifted somewhat but my memory is not what it was pre kids.
My experience is that my firm wil
Encourage flexible working but not adjust its expectations of what a successful lawyer looks like.
I now hpe to go back to five days as I feel no benefit from the so called day off

Camtt is right OP. You said you knew your stuff before having your DD, so of course you still know it. It's just that you're having a crisis of confidence.

Definitely consider going in house if you're in an area where your skills are in demand.

Very common Op. Far more than many people will admit IRL.

I think you need to take stock of everything. Work out what is stressing you and what you can change. Is your DD sleeping through the night properly? lack of sleep is a massive issue and when my DC didn't sleep post mat leave it made a huge difference to my ability to perform at my best. Particularly detailed tasks like drafting.

On work you may want to consider doing at least 1 day where you don't race in early but come in at a normal time and can stay late if you need to with DH doing pick up. This may take off some of the pressure to rush things out the door. I found giving myself permission to stay in work until quite late 1 night a week really gave me space to breathe and was much more efficient than trying to work every night at home post bed time when the job just can't be done 9-5.

Can you tell us any more about the sort of place you work or the work you do?

OP you are not alone. I have two beautiful DDs and 8 yrs PQE as a tax lawyer. There have been times when I and my other mum colleagues have become borderline unhinged. The pressure is huge and it infiltrates all areas of your life, especially now that remote working means you are pretty much expected to work on your non-paid non-working day.

I worked 4 days for three years between babies and there was a lot of crying (mine and DD's). She was like the undead so I didn't sleep but still had to pretend I was competent at work. I got in early and stayed late and ran myself ragged. After DD2 last year I moved jobs and now work three days. It feels VERY different as you simply can't take on a ft workload. After years of recession the market is swinging back in our favour now and it seems that some firms will now countenance three days again.

I second the poster who said to only sweat the big stuff. Brazen out the small things - we are all doing it! Cut yourself some slack because the constant sense of panic will make you nervous and prone to typos etc.

Mainly, though, be kind to yourself. This is tough, and the hours culture makes it brutal for Mums (and others) but it does get easier. Keep it up until you have finished having babies and then reassess - I am at a large regional firm and the balance is now bearable. Hopefully you can find that too!

I'm your position, I would say to myself, stick it out for a year. If it's not improving then resign. Do you think it will be easier in the future when the children are older and at school? If not, is it worth it? The reason I am working full time is because I can see a future when it will be worth it for the few hard years directly ahead

Thing is, if you don't keep on being a solicitor what do you do? I'm nominally 12 years pqe, youngest dc is 4 and I took a five year break and then back to practice in international firm. All I'm trained to do is the law.

I sympathise, OP. I'm a City lawyer with a one year old. I've been back since she was six months old. My focus isn't what it was. And I miss those calm after hours times when I could catch up with things without the email constantly pinging or the phone ringing. These days I'm out of the door at 5/6 to relieve the nanny. I am constantly running to catch up and don't feel like I am doing a good job either at home or work.

In practical terms, we have as much help as we feasibly can have. As well as our nanny, we have a cleaner/ironer and a gardener. There are still not enough hours in the day though. We finished clearing up the dinner things and sorting the laundry at 9.20pm tonight and that is not unusual (after sorting chores, feeding and changing the baby and getting her to bed). I'm sitting down for half an hour before bed and this is our only downtime. I feel like there should be more to life than this.

Part of me would love to give up work and be at home with her but I wasn't a great FT mum. I felt like I lost a bit of myself when I was on mat leave and found it hard work. I guess I just don't really know who I am or what I want any more.

So I don't have any answers but a lot of empathy!

Paige makes a good point. Some of us can't really go in house and there is no other obvious emergency exit. Teaching? But of a pay cut, though!

Plus we tried living on only DH's salary (he's a teacher) and it was ok in 2008, really not doable by 2012. So we need two decent salaries coming in. We're not based in London so in house roles are very rare here and never in my speciality.

[Bear with me, this is long but hopefully helpful.]

OP, I completely understand. I was a senior associate in the City and went back to work FT after having DD1. It was horrendous and had an awful effect on my mental health. After a period off for stress I went back 4 days per week and it wasn't much better. I struggled on until I had DD2 and didn't go back after that. When DD2 was just under 2 I got a job in-house, PT (3 days per week). I now love my job, career, being a solicitor in a way I never did my entire working life before. Some thoughts and observations:

1. Most of the 'old guard' in law firms (whatever their gender and age) don’t like mums returning to work and working flexibly. You will not be looked out for, not be looked favorably upon. They may even want you to ‘dry on the vine’ (leave of your own accord as you cant bear it any longer) and that would save them paying any more mat. leave. You will work twice as hard for half the recognition.

2. Some of what you have written, your assessment of your performance and stress at wanting to get things right reminds me of my anxiety before I was signed off work effectively with a breakdown. PLEASE PLEASE speak to your GP about how you are feeling. About feeling like you’re not coping, are failing etc. My time off with stress re-set my perspective and I was able to see the situation for what it was.

3. Admitting to your GP and your employer that there is a problem does NOT mean the end of your career. You can choose to resign and not reveal how you feel to your employer but please see your GP whatever you choose.

4. I’m much happier in-house on fixed hours 3 days per week. I got the job through a contact (so once you’re feeling like you have some space, update your Linkedin profile). I felt just like you – that making any change to the status quo was curtains for my legal career – it wasn’t.

5. I now know quite a few working mum solicitors who have achieved the work life balance and are maintaining their careers. In addition to the in-house option the others all do contracting. Have you considered working for Lawyers on Demand/ Vario/Halebury/ other agencies? One mum I know went back after about 7 years and contracts direct for her old employer and other colleagues. She makes herself unavailable for the 5 months of the year that her kids are off school and only takes on what she can manage. Another two do a steady 3 or 4 days per week (went back after 2 /3 kids respectively). Areas of law they specialise in include corporate, commercial, property, employment and procurement/public sector. It IS possible to have a career but move away from the toxic culture you’re working in. You can get the control back.

6. I was not a happy person as a SAHM. There is no shame in that. The choice is not as simple as high flyer/SAHM. Honestly it isn’t. You don’t have to feel ‘forced’ into SAHM. Take some time out to plan your next move. Call it a career break on your CV or an extended holiday depending on the length.

7. Whilst you are in the midst of it, living through it, it is very difficult to see how to fix it. Please take some time out (whether on sick leave, holiday or resigning) to properly deal with this. Please ask for help from friends, family and your GP.

8. My husband has just asked what I was doing so I read your OP. His response was “that could be you”. I honestly have been where you are now. Please PM me if you want to chat/ask anything.

YANBU. I didn't go back to work, I took redundancy and we emigrated, we bought a working ranch in an extremely remote location and we have a much better quality of life now.
I couldn't have gone back to work, after so many pregnancy losses, I wasn't the same person that I was before . I had a very high pressure, high flying career which I loved but it just didn't seem to matter anymore compared to being able to be a sahm, and I am much happier now.

Iknow nothing about the law aspect but i do identify with you, OP, and I think it does get (slowly) better as you get into the swing of a new routine and your baby becomes a toddler.

I really struggled with the brain fuzz and was really scared about making the wrong decisions or giving people the wrong advice. I initially went back to work feeling amazing - on top of the world from enjoying maternity leave and having achieved childbirth - but quickly lost that confidence as I found my brain just wouldn't do what it used to! I've been back a year now and definitely starting to see an improvement in my logical thinking, spotting errors, thinking through problems etc. My manager told me she found the same after having her son - it took her about a year to begin to feel normal. So don't think you'll never be the same again, it might come back. I agree with what others said about the sleep deprivation not helping, and you have so much to consider emotionally when you go back so you might undrestimate how much you have on your mind. Be easy on yourself!

Somewhere at my workplace there is a photo of me when I'd been back from maternity leave for a month or so. I look like the living dead! Looking at it makes me feel really sorry for myself then. It was SO hard. I was so discombobulated I felt as if I had permanent vertigo. I also had one of the biggest, toughest classes I've ever had. Dd wasn't sleeping well at all. I really don't know how I did it. Otoh I did enjoy the change and wouldn't have enjoyed being at home full time.

Fast forward a couple of years and it was fine. Now, 12 years later I'm very glad I did it. Lots of my friends who didn't go back to work struggled to find jobs later on. That's just my experience though. Could you possibly do less days?

I went in house and love it. Only wish I'd done it years ago.

Just wanted to let you know you are not alone OP.

I'm not in the legal world but also really struggled going back to my full time role after 10 months maternity leave with DS, I totally identity with the feelings you have expressed around feeling like your brain has changed.

I certainly feel like a very different person in terms of ability and motivation to continue with my career as a result of being so divided between work and home. I suppose it feels to me that it is impossible to serve both work and family with 100percent attention as the two never balance to require just 50 percent of your time or energy so it always feels like living with compromise! Adding to that the fact that there is no time left for yourself means it is a very difficult life to lead.

I would very often sit and watch my DS at bath time and feel like crap that every day I was choosing to be away from him even in a role where I was happy and had fulfilled. As a result I have just recently made the decision to leave my job and take a career break. I know you have said in your situation that wouldn't be feasible but I would encourage you to put your health first as it is easy to loose sight of this when trying to balance home and family life, don't forget about number 1!

Could none of you clever ladies set up a women's law firm where the working culture is a bit more reasonable?

Hi - I too sympathise. I am of-counsel at a city firm and found the first 6 months after I came back from my first maternity leave utterly horrendous. My confidence was sapped, I was exhausted and just wanted to jack it all in. I was doing three days a week and then, after 4 months, went back up to four days which was much easier to manage.
Is there a possibility you could do one of your days from home? Just being out of the office seems to reduce the number of internal queries as team members think before they contact you. It is also nice to have dinner with the family!
I now have three kids and am still doing four days a week and would say if you can stick it out another 3 months you'll probably feel much more established. I am now so pleased and proud I have kept my career going and am very grateful to have the independence and earning power I do now that the girls are all heading towards school.
However, it hasn't always been pretty and I still have blips. I found some CBT really useful last year to help with work and home related stress. It has made me stop beating myself up quite as much about everything!
Us lawyers can really be our own worst enemies sometimes - be kind to yourself and aim for good enough.

You know what really strikes me OP?

I don't feel as if you are having an issue with work life balance so much as you feel your brain doesn't work the way it used to. And why are you feeling sick, is it anxiety? I'm wondering if you should have some blood tests to rule out anything there eg low iron or D. Could you be suffering from anxiety or depression? When my brain packs up that's usually what it is, chemical imbalance.

Second the suggest of au pair, it will help. It sounds like your career is important to you, have I got that right? I appreciate I'm coming at this from a different angle than most but your comment about having lost brain power jumped out at me.