To be really really struggling with being back at work?

[Whatthehelliswrongwithme]

I am feeling pretty desperate this evening. Before DD was born, I know that I was reasonably good at my job. I'm sure I wasn't the best lawyer ever to walk this earth, but I was perfectly competent and I knew my own job pretty well.

I've been back from maternity leave now for 9 months and I feel as though I must be losing my mind. I have gone down to 4 days a week, and I go in early and leave early to pick up DD, but invariably have ended up doing at least the 5th (and 6th) day's worth of work anyway - after DD goes to bed and at weekends. Notwithstanding the extra hours, I feel like I am missing things all over the place. It's not laziness; I appreciate that flexible working requires both parties to be flexible so I know that there will be some times when I will need to put in the extra hours. It's more that despite the extra hours, there just aren't enough hours in the day or days in the week, and I feel as though I am dropping balls because everything is rushed. I've mostly managed to catch them before anything really terrible happens, but even then, it's humiliating and unprofessional to have to re-send corrected documents after the original version has gone out and I don't know what the hell has happened to my brain. It frightens me.

I can't sleep and I feel sick all the time and I just don't know what to do. I used to think that my going out to work was going to allow DD to grow up with the view that she would have a career as a matter of course but now, for the first time, I feel as though my working is having a severely detrimental effect on my time with her. I am distracted and stressed all the time. We could survive on DH's salary but due to the nature of the legal job market, if I were to leave it is extremely unlikely that I would be able to re-enter at a later date. I also feel that I'm not particularly good at being a SAHP. Maybe that's the problem; I used to feel like a generally competent person and now I feel as though I am making an almighty mess of everything.

Has anyone else felt like this? I feel as though I am going mad.

googlenut It's difficult to sell services from a firm that brands itself as working less hard though! The contracting/agency option is very close to this but is providing flexibility to both client and lawyer. Halebury is set up by a woman (not sure a mum though). I also know a couple of mum tax lawyers who set up their own consultancy and are doing very well.

OP I could have written your post. I have been back from maternity leave for 11 months and have already upped my hours twice. Now doing 4 days but larger caseload than pre-DS!
I think the problem is a 'full day at work' pre-DS was 'as early as I liked to as late as I liked'. Now it's 9am to 5pm sharp due to childcare. I feel I'm being a crap mum and a crap lawyer and started to resent all my uncoupled and/or non-parent colleagues for their 'easy' lives!
It is so, so hard but I've found that a cleaner helps (which I see you already have) and being more assertive with my employer (which I never was before DS). Flexible working has to work for both parties, so don't be afraid to make a statement if you feel frazzled. My work brain only returned about three months ago, before that I was painfully slow!
It's not just you, you are doing a great GREAT job and setting your child such a good example by working so hard.
Our worst pressure comes from ourselves. It is a great motivator, but don't let it rob you of seeing what you are achieving.
Relax a little, lower your standards a teeny bit here and there, delegate and squeeze every second out of the family time you do have. Keep it sacred and away, completely, from work. No email checking on a Sunday evening! You're doing brilliantly

Oh OP, I hear you. I was a lawyer too, but didn't go back after 3 DC. My brain processes stuff so differently now and just know I don't have the edge anymore. I put it down to tiredness, and a new set of responsibilities. I still have nightmares even now, years later, about missing deadlines and filing documents late etc. It's such a stressful environment. I also knew that once I left, I would never be able to rejoin a decent firm at the same level.

I actually love being a SAHP, but I've recently started my own PT copywriting business, after decades of writing for pleasure, and I love doing this way more than being a lawyer. I feel like I finally found the thing I should have been doing all these years.

If you feel you could survive without being a lawyer, is there anything else you could turn your hand to?

I am a lawyer and my law firm (big NY firm) does a great thing where part-timers get paid on the basis of a percentage of full time hours. So if the full time hours target is 2000 a year, a part-timer might be on a 70% contract and so have an hours target of 70% of 2000. BUT, if the part-timer ends up working 75% or more, their pay will end up increasing proportionately.

I found at my old law firm where I was meant to do four days a week, that I ended up doing 100% of full time hours but 80% pay.

The approach at my current law firm means that I get compensated for the work I do and it also really focusses the partners' minds on the fact that I am only meant to be doing 70% of the work.

Could you suggest something similar? My law firm has had recognition from various bodies for its approach for supporting female lawyers. You may get recognition for initiating a programme like this - you know how law firms love non-billable contributions like that!

Thank you so much, everyone. I do really appreciate your advice. The irony is that I left the City a few years ago and am already in house but am a sole counsel, so there is nobody else to pick up the overflow. It's made me feel significantly better to know that it's not just me, though. Seriously, I am really very grateful indeed.

Oh god, I feel your pain. Law, especially larger practices with the pressure of target hours they expect, was too much for me. I managed 18 months after mat leave before I took ill. I made myself quite ill and ended up taking sick leave. I decided to quit whilst off and am starting with a much smaller practice soon in the hope the sheer volume of work is not the same. It's a dreadful profession for families with all of the additional BD on top of work.

Then you need more resource OP. Your role is clearly the work of more than one person. You need to share the load (either in-house hires, contractors or farm out to external counsel) as sole counsel you should have some say over the budget for this?

And being in house already means you already have the necessary CV experience for a better, more balanced in-house role.

You need to get a bit more strict... Every time I go to see our internal counsel (who have a not insignificant number of staff) they hum and haw and ask me how urgent it is and whether I have budget to bring in external counsel!

Have read this thread with trepidation as I am pregnant with my first and a lawyer - it's very early days so not told anyone yet. I am already dreading telling my boss (I work in an all male team) and basically see this as the end of my career even though I'm happy about having a baby!

I work in the regions so probably not as bad horse wise as London, but it's still a large corporate firm and people work some very long hours. There are women with children, some do four days, some do five, I think I'll just go back full time as like others have said the women who do four just seem to end up taking a pay cut yet working on their day off anyway.

Been there too! Spent 8 years as a lawyer in the city and thought I loved my job but after DD1 it became unbearable. I felt like I was failing in every aspect of my life. Despite working for a law firm that had a good reputation for promoting women, that didn't apply to anyone with kids!

Partners told me that working part time would be career limiting - and they made sure it was. Despite an official 4 day week I rarely did less than full time hours and was, over the year, managed out. I decided to find myself a secondment in house then used that experience to move to a generalist in house role (from litigation).

I'm now in a job I love, with fantastic bosses who fully understand the pressures of having a family. I have defined career goals, am motivated, valued and enjoy going to work each day. I've never looked back.

Don't stay in a job that makes you feel this way. Send a message to your kids that careers should be fulfilling but that they shouldn't have to compromise on their family or well being.

Go back to 5 days.

Get a nanny and a housekeeper.

If dd isn't sleeping through the night get a maternity nurse in until she is.

lots of good suggestions - just to add - could you do two long days and two short days - but assertively and unapologetically short? Also consider getting a health mot - iron, vitamin d, thyroid etc.

I gave up working because of that feeling...I felt like I was doing everything badly.
Not a lawyer - I was a post doctoral research scientist. (I also did my partner's books/secretarial things for his business - he worked 90+ hours a week and was never around).
I had already realised I couldn't compete -just couldn't put in the required hours, no matter how hard I tried. The final straw for me was when I had had an experiment on the go for 48hrs and within 2hrs of the end I got a call from the Nursery, DD1 had been sick and I needed to go and get her asap. I asked them to hold on to her for 30 mins whilst I did what I could to salvage it and they made me feel like the worst mother in the world. My boss took over and finished it off for me - and he was most understanding. But I felt like shit.
Also I realised when they start school childcare gets cheaper but much harder. You don't have the 7am -6pm option (she was only ever in for that long once or twice but I could be flexible with start and finish times), things like CMs for after school don't cover the same hours and usually have a good few weeks holiday a year (nursery only closed for 2 days a year - and in my case even though the lab was officially closed for a week over Christmas - people still went in to work - even on Christmas day.) I had DD2 after I had stopped working as a SAHM.
BUT there are huge positives to being a working mum. You get adult company, coffee/lunch/toilet breaks in peace, you get to use your brain, house never gets as messy but probably one of the biggest things is you miss your child and can't wait to spent time with them. As a SAHM you can't wait to get away from them for a break (unless you have family support and I didn't have). Also you will still have a career (you like ?) I'll never get back into my field -in fact I think I'm more or less unemployable. So part of me wishes I hadn't given up the juggling.

As a WOHM (5 days a week) I found I just had to be extremely organised -made every second count. I had lists coming out of my ears - when she was a baby I had a morning routine where everything was done in the most efficient order - no needless running up and down stairs etc -to the level that included 'turn on kettle'! And made sure one day at the weekend was a dedicated day for DD1. I had a strict home rota, did certain things on certain days and didn't go to bed until it was done. DD1 had 8 complete outfits -on hangers in a wardrobe including cardis, tights etc - enough for the week with one spare (and a few pairs of legging /tops etc for wee accidents etc). As she grew out of an outfit it was replaced. And I did the same for me.
I paid the bills once a month -but tried to deal with everything that came in instantly if I could -dates onto the calendar etc.
I think if the home stuff is under control and requires less thought you have more brain space for work. But I also understand the complete brain fuzz - reading something 4 times and still not understanding it. Double, triple checking everything. You might be sleep deprived? - that gets easier. But you also need to get your confidence back - at the moment you will still be out of practice and then everything is harder, you have to think about every minor thing -nothing is automatic -but it will be.
And I also suspect that working full time is possibly easier than 4 days as you don't have the pressure of trying to fit everything in ....unless (I think would be the best) you can do a real 3 days - actually have the 2 days and weekend off ...and it doesn't sound like you can.
If you can I would try and stick with it (maybe even increase your days), streamline your home life, let go of the guilt ...and give it a bit longer -and if you still feel so bad in 6 months then look at other options.
Good Luck

a further thought - the difference I feel working now my dd is 18 months compared with 11 months is an order of magnitude. it takes time for the brain/emotion storm to steady

Oh to add to PP, I've found iron tablets and oil of evening primrose tablets have helped heaps with my energy levels. Also cramming in a run twice a week instead of flopping on the sofa. It's me time, thinking time and much needed fresh air!

Hedges last paragraph is good advice.

I also second someone else's advice to discuss with your GP - it sounds as though anxiety may be an issue here and your GP can think about other things like thyroid function, anaemia etc.

I'm not a lawyer but have many friends and relatives who are, so I see the pressures. The culture amazes me, and I think you have to consider where you want to be in 5 years / 10 years time, and what your priorities are.

By posting on here, you have at least written down your thoughts and had lots of sensible advice to look at. I would recommend printing this thread off / saving it somewhere on your computer. Regardless of what action you take immediately you should "check in" every so often with yourself to see how you are feeling compared to today - are things better/worse/same and then take action if need be.

Have you come across Obelisk? I think you should contact them with a view to buying some hours - 2 FT days a week at least as you will need to check over their work.

The brain fog gets better eventually. I've been where you are now and it was hateful. In hindsight I should have spoken to my GP.

Buy in overnight help if your DC is not sleeping. A friend in a massively stressful high powdered job used their holiday budget for this purpose and they all had a staycation.

Or alternatively look to hire someone on a 3 day per week job share basis where you overlap on a Wednesday

Yes yes and cross post with all lawyers above.

5 days are better than supposedly 4 but actually 5 with 20% pay cut.

Lawcare are the charity. They did the talk at our work the other week. I cried in the loos afterward as it was horrid realising how screwed up I had become. I went for a run as suggested after that. Had a panic attack whilst out.

I have not worked the solution out yet, but am reading with interest. Speaking honestly to colleagues in a similar scenario helps. I have additional life stress factors atm (as do many people) that are very much the haybale that has broken me.

Working from home can be good if not too disruptive/you can focus. A nanny is the only way. Ours is the interface between barely functioning and total breakdown. I love her.

See GP, if only to keep open the option of being signed off/seeking CBT. Forcing myself to exercise helps. Colleagues think I am being keen and active. I can't tell them it is the only time I am not worried to death.

I was talking to a colleague recently about how close to the brink both of our relationships had got. Be kind to each other. No advice, just solidarity.

My brain has gone slow, but not post baby. I went back very early and it was ok for 12 months. Months 13 onwards my brain has slowed. I think it is overload, burn out and anxiety.

OP I could have written your post! I work 3 days a week in law and find I can't relax at all on my days off. I end up spending them logging in and neglecting my DD and generally feeling like a crap worker and mother. I have been back for a year now after a long gap of 4 years and I feel like I am behind the junior members of the team and constantly making mistakes. I'm starting to wonder why I went back now! As you have no doubt found the work doesn't stop on the days I am off so I'm in constant stress mode ????

I'm not in law but I'm in the same boat. I jave a nearly 4yo who doesn't sleep plus a demented parent to care for and I'm the bread winner.

Today i spent 3 hours tdying to read a paragraph and now i appear to have insomnia. It's getting up time in 3 hours and rather than pissing about on mnet i think I'm going to see if that paragraph has rearranged itself into something sensible. I really think I'm losing the plot...

Don't do it minion! Go to sleep! I often find myself sending emails in the middle of the night too. The other day I spent an hour and half at 4am sending stuff on my day off. No acknowledgement or thanks from any of the partners (copied in) for dealing on my day off. In fact, one of them just emailed me back at 6am with a load of questions and next steps. So no matter what I do, it's never enough! Anyway good luck and perhaps that paragraph just doesn't make sense and it's not you at all ????

Sorry to hear your troubles op!

I would decide if you really want to stay in your career, if so, go back full time. If not, and you're happy with a job, could you ask for a lower level job at your current place? Or switch jobs completely

I'm off to look up lawcare and thinking of all PP who are trying to keep all the plates spinning whilst feeling like they are failing in every area.

There are some really helpful suggestions here; thanks very much. I'll definitely look up Lawcare. As I say, the most helpful thing is to know that it's not just me. We're on holiday this week but I've called my line manager and set up a meeting for when I get back to discuss it. Thanks to everyone for taking the time to reply.