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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I've only been on ESA for a month and I've already had my first 'you should just get a little job instead' comment.

51 replies

LadyFuckrington · 13/07/2015 18:57

From my sister. I'm in the support group for ESA due to mental health issues. She has moaned to my mum that it's not fair she has to work so hard and I can get free money, and that I ought to get a part time job instead.

I've worked my whole life and it's contribution based esa, my dh has a good job but we had a shortfall after I was signed off and subsequently left my job. I've tried to take my own life twice in the last three months and getting through the day alive is my priority at the moment.

My psychiatrist and gp say I'm too ill to work but apparently my sister thinks I should just pull my socks up and do an evening job like she does.

Aibu to be spitting fucking feathers? Posting here so I don't phone her and give her both barrels.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 13/07/2015 18:59

She's a fuckwit

I wouldn't let her get to you

BreconBeBuggered · 13/07/2015 19:01

What a caring helpful sister you have. Tell her to go fuck herself. You do not need that shit in your life.

Original poster

LadyFuckrington · 13/07/2015 19:02

The stupid thing is I would expect this from my other sister but this one is the one I thought was a good egg. I'm pretty shocked and a bit disgusted tbh.

OP posts:

Henriettacat · 13/07/2015 19:03

Your sisters attitude is common, and perpetuated by the media. It's also heartless, inconsiderate and unpleasant. To be in the support group means that you must have passed a very strict assessment of your capability to work, and to have been deemed NOT capable.
I am sorry you had to hear this from your sister and hope you are able to recover

Original poster

LadyFuckrington · 13/07/2015 19:04

OP posts:

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 13/07/2015 19:09

Yanbu. Whilst work (of the right kind, with the right support) is good for lots of people with mental health problems, it's for you with your MH team to work out when the time is right for you to think about it, not your interfering sister.

TheCatsFlaps · 13/07/2015 19:12

Your sister sounds like an unfeeling cunt.

Original poster

LadyFuckrington · 13/07/2015 19:12

I've said to dh, she can have my 'free money' if she wants to take on my anxiety, suicidal impulses and self harm.

Fucking hell I'm furious.

OP posts:

Original poster

LadyFuckrington · 13/07/2015 19:17

I found it quite hard when I got the letter about esa because I'd expected to be in the work related group and it made me really face how ill I am. This stupid comment just feels like a massive slap in the face. I think I need to tell her how hurt I am. But then I don't need the drama so maybe I'll just rant here.

OP posts:

Dontunderstand01 · 13/07/2015 19:20

She is completely U. I wholeheartedly agree with Testing...self esteem and confidence can be useful aspects of employment, when the time is right.

I know this is easier said than done but, fuck her. You are ill, prioritise yourself and your immediste family.

PoppyFleur · 13/07/2015 19:29

I despair when reading threads like this. I would walk over broken glass for my sister and vice versa. My Dsis endured a childhood of playing second fiddle to my needs after I was diagnosed with a chronic disease and spent a lot of time in hospital, yet she has never resented me.

Your sister lacks empathy and basic compassion, she cannot understand an illness she cannot see. Ignore her, your health and well being are the priority. Also maybe let your mum know that in future it would be appreciated if she refrained from passing on any unhelpful comments from your sister.

Dreamiesrcatopium · 13/07/2015 19:37

Ignore ignore ignore. I know how difficult it is to get into the support group because I'm in it.(invisibleish disability) Also contribution based. I suspect my sister thinks the same, she wouldn't dare say it though.
You just concentrate on you. Its shit though, but you learn who to tell and who will judge(wrongly) some people are fuckers.

Original poster

LadyFuckrington · 13/07/2015 19:44

Thanks all of you. I'm more calm about it now and you've stopped me doing a PA Facebook status about it, so there's a win.

OP posts:

SeaMedows · 13/07/2015 19:55

I think that family can find it very scary to think how ill their family members are, particularly when suicide is an active possibility, and seek to diminish it unconsciously. Doesnt make it any easier for you to hear that she's said that. I'm so sorry that this unfeeling statement was passed on to you.

My very best wishes and prayers for you in your illness.

Spartans · 13/07/2015 20:03

She is an idiot.

But why would your mum tell you this? I assume your mum put her in her place.

I hope you are ok, OP.

Original poster

LadyFuckrington · 13/07/2015 20:06

Thank you. I really appreciate everyone's kind words.

A big part of my disorder is feeling like a burden and worrying people don't really like or love me. And she knows this. But she had PND recently and so thinks she understands depression and is cross that she had to just get on with it while I'm having a 'break' from work and intensive therapy. I've had PND in the past and it's like comparing apples and oranges.

OP posts:

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 13/07/2015 20:13

That's a vile attitude. Does she know you are suicidal? She should be in your corner. I have had mild to moderate depression and struggled to work, I can't imagine how anyone with severe mh copes.

Iloveonionchutney · 13/07/2015 20:13

I know how you feel sort of, I'm in support group for a medical condition and the amount of people who suggest a part time job to 'get out of the house' is unbelievable. If I could just get out of the house then I'd work a normal job and have a normal life but it's not that bloody easy! None of them would want to swap and try out your illness though, your sister doesn't sound very understanding at all

LashesandLipstick · 13/07/2015 20:18

Your sister is a knob.

I wish there were "disability goggles", like beer goggles that people could wear to see what it is actually like to live with a condition. See how quick they are to criticise

JapaneseTea · 13/07/2015 20:19

How do you know that is what she said? Whoever passed on the information wasn't very kind and obv wanted to shit stir. Maybe your family dynamics aren't helping your mental health.

Ignore it, and concentrate you and your DH

Seriouslyffs · 13/07/2015 20:21

The Tories have really done a great job on 'divide and rule' regarding taxes. On your behalf and for everyone else I'm adding prejudice against MH issues to my 'never let the fuckwits go unchallenged' list.

Spartans · 13/07/2015 20:33

seriously have have aspergers and spent my early twenties suffering with depression under a labour government. There were dickheads who thought this sort of shit then too.

eyebags63 · 13/07/2015 20:37

This is why I would never tell anyone IRL if I were getting benefits, especially disability benefits. People somehow think they have the ability to judge another person's health status and ability to work just by looking at them.

Also most people who have never claimed ESA/DLA/PIP have no idea how much it is - they think you are getting the equivalent of a £1500 month wage when in reality it is closer to £100 a week.

Ignore the silly cow.

Purplepoodle · 13/07/2015 20:38

Your mum shouldn't have told u what your sister said

IHaveBrilloHair · 13/07/2015 20:39

What colour tracksuit did you get?
I went for pink.

Being a tad more serious, chin up and ignore, I know that's easier said than done, but in the long term it'll help.
And drink.

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