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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that we should be allowed to change our mind? (wedding related)

83 replies

EatDessertFirst · 13/07/2015 14:41

DP and I are finally getting married next year in August. I admit that I was quite naive about how many things had to be considered, and a lot of the stuff we didn't want seems to be a necessity now. We've cut out a lot of guff except seperate venues but that is unavoidable and have invited all the kids and partners. After reading so many threads about how guests hate being made to stand around while photos are taken after a wedding ceremony, we have decided to put on drinks and canapes for our guests at this time. It is expensive, but our ceremony is at 12.30pm, and we don't want people to remember our wedding as 'the one where we were all starving'. We are under no time pressure as the caterer is happy to wait till we have numbers and our booking with them is secure. We are paying for it ourselves.

So, the AIBU. On telling DM that DP and I have decided to add this in, DM has gone nuts. She shouted that I have got to stop changing my mind, that we shouldn't worry about guests being hungry as they are having a three course meal at 3pm, that we shouldn't be spending anymore money, its a waste of money......I could go on. Its made us start second guessing ourselves. We want our guests to be as comfortable as possible but her massive hissy fit has left me upset and the atmosphere tense. I know its very 'first-world problems' but I would appreciate your opinions.

Ta muchly.

OP posts:

kali110 · 13/07/2015 17:49

Don't see the problem with food at 3pm, can people not wait for an hour and half to eat?
I wouldn't be moaning that i was starving when i knew it wouldn't be long till the 3course meal.
It is your decision though op, not your moms!
Fwiw i'v been to two weddings where the meals were around this time.
No canapes, noone starved and nobody moaned!
We had a drink, took pictures, chatted to people we hadn't seen for a while/met and congratulated the happy couple.
Both lovely days that are purely remembered for how lovely and happy my friends looked.

LittleBearPad · 13/07/2015 17:54

canapes are a great plan. she's being odd

firesidechat · 13/07/2015 17:57

Don't see the problem with food at 3pm, can people not wait for an hour and half to eat? hmm
I wouldn't be moaning that i was starving when i knew it wouldn't be long till the 3course meal.

If it's a 12.30 wedding then guests have to be there for noon, after possibly travelling for hours, so no time for lunch. It's also 2 1/2 hours between wedding starting and main meal. I would be starving.

Also booze and no food is a dangerous combination.

firesidechat · 13/07/2015 18:02

Should say I would be starving because I wouldn't have had lunch and have no idea that there was no food until 3. For most people 8 am (breakfast) till 3 pm is a very long time and speaking personally I get a bit crabby when my blood sugar gets low.

I didn't mean that I can't wait 2 1/2 hours between meals.

Amummyatlast · 13/07/2015 18:28

I actually can't wait much more than 2.5-3 hours before food, or I turn into the bitch from hell. Because I'm small I can't eat that much before getting full, so even if I had a late breakfast I would be starving by 3 pm. And if I had had to travel I wouldn't have wanted to eat a massive meal before getting in the car. I always wander around in food in my bag.

OP, I think it sounds like a good plan. We got married at 1pm, had nibbles after the ceremony and lunch at about 3.30-4 and it all got eaten.

Original poster

EatDessertFirst · 13/07/2015 19:10

DM is having some minor money trouble but as I said before, she isn't paying for anything to do with the wedding. She won't accept any financial help and we have offered.

We are going to do the kids a little lunch box type thing anyway. Thank you, whoever suggested that. Those boxes look like exactly what we need.

Like a PP said, I think its about control. She seems to be pretty happy with the wedding in general but can get quite stuck on 'tradition' (favours, where will parents sit as DM and DF are divorced and DF remarried, who makes speeches and in what order....) which we aren't overly fussed about. The Reception venue people know what they are doing and will guide us. The flowers are important but not as important as my mums feelings. Anyway, she is a great judge of that kind of stuff. My MIL is choosing our cake for us as well! I won't see any flowers, cake or car (DP is choosing that!) until the morning of the wedding. I don't want to get too caught up in the details as it will make me ill. This way I don't need to worry. Our families wouldn't do anything they know we will hate.

Thank you again for your input.

OP posts:

ExtraBlessings · 13/07/2015 19:42

My parents had random tantrums throughout the planning and drove me up the wall. However...

I'm going to suggest giving DM the benefit of the doubt. There's probably something on her mind, it could be anything from sadness that her daughter is growing to to anxiety over how she looks in her dress to...well who knows?

Your plan for the day sounds lovely. All the best.

ExtraBlessings · 13/07/2015 19:43

Arrgh. Sorry, just saw your last post OP. Mine now seems superfluous.

FadedRed · 13/07/2015 20:01

Op - Your idea for food seem excellent but maybe you need to give DM 'something' to do that can be her 'thing' to concentrate on, and then just get on with whatever you really want, not telling her too much about the details. Doesn't have to cost much and will keep her out of your hair make her feel part of the arrangements.
On the other hand, I keep reading in wedding threads about people whinging on about being 'kept waiting to eat'. If you know the wedding is a xx time, and you have a longish journey, then allow time for a break and stop for something to eat near the venue/take a sandwich and a drink and eat them in the car park. I don't believe everybody is sooo busy getting their hair done/dressing up that they cannot stop for 5 minutes to get a sandwich. You would have to do this for any other appointment/event, so why not for a wedding?

NotYouNaanBread · 13/07/2015 20:04

Stick to your guns. Food is the single most important part of the day. Keep your guests well fed from start to finish (snacks outside the church before they go in, maybe?) and they'll remember it as a great day. I'm positive that people remember more about the food than the ceremony.

Purplepixiedust · 13/07/2015 20:09

Unless she is paying its not up to her. Do what you want.

littlefrenchonion · 13/07/2015 20:15

YANBU, I think that's perfectly acceptable! It's your money and your guests will appreciate it.

I would stop giving DM details. She won't flip out on the day, but if she does you will be in such a happy little bubble you won't care anyway :-)

ethelb · 13/07/2015 21:09

As someone who got married in the ppast couple of months, just accept your mother would have complained whatever you did? We got married at 3pm wedding breakfast served from 6pm and served no canapes. My mother complained that we didn't have canapes.
Tbh you need quite hefty canapes if you are getting married at lunch.

ActiviaYoghurt · 13/07/2015 21:26

We arranged for canapés to be served during the drinks reception/photo bit of our wedding. Makes sense

I went to a wedding where I got 1 canapé and for the drinks reception there wasn't even a drink per person. Also goodie bags for about 15% of guests. I wasn't impressed!

LilyMayViolet · 13/07/2015 21:35

Yanbu. I think it's a very good idea. Most weddings I've been to have had some canapes between the ceremony and the meal. It was lovely and jolly. I'm planning our wedding so that there's very little time between bits because I know this can be a bit testing for guests. Not the end of the world but preferrable I think.

Activia, what was in the goodie bags?

PiperChapstick · 13/07/2015 21:36

Get the canapés!! Nothing worse than being starving at a wedding! Bollocks to your mum. Weddings really bring out the worst in some people

Lucked · 13/07/2015 21:39

Personally I have a preference for two venues as we can eat a sandwich in the car on the way to the reception! I love a drinks reception. Most weddings I have been to have had canapés but I never seem to get any, I must be too slow or stand in the wrong place as I just see waiters with empty plates!!

YANBU it is still ages away and you might change your mind on lots before then. I had a big August wedding and didn't book the venue until January so I don't think this is late in the day to be making decisions.

I would mess with her and change your mind at least three times on which flowers and cake you want! Because I organised mine relatively quickly I just booked people and then ironed out the details closer to the day.

AlisonBlunderland · 13/07/2015 21:42

I luvs a good can-ape

EastMidsMummy · 13/07/2015 21:58

No-one wants a three course meal at 3pm, is that lunch or dinner?

It's neither. It's a wedding breakfast - a big meal that you wait for slightly longer than you might wait for a normal lunch. I cannot believe that grown adults can't cope with eati g at 3 o'clock. What the fuck do you do at Christmas???

FurtherSupport · 13/07/2015 22:18

Stuff chocolates all morning EastMids

I don't think it's that people can't wait, of course they can barring unusual medical conditions, but a wedding is about being hospitable and a good host wouldn't leave their guests standing around with nothing to do, eat or drink while they have endless photos taken.

ouryve · 13/07/2015 22:21

It's not your DM's wedding. You need to give her that look (the one that means STFU and don't mess with me.)

DimpleHands · 13/07/2015 22:22

If you are having canapes, you could drop the starter and just have main and pudding? We did that and it worked very well. Will save money and also mean that people aren't sitting too long - in my experience, three courses sitting down is too long at a wedding.

firesidechat · 13/07/2015 22:46

Every wedding I've ever been to has a main meal at very odd times. That's fairly standard, but it's a nice touch to give guests something to nibble on until the main food. There is usually a sizeable stretch of time with not much going on for the guests and it's all a bit boring. A glass of bubbly and a little something tasty to eat makes it all seem bearable.

Of course people can cope with eating at 3 pm. It's the starving bit that I'm not so keen on.

As for Christmas Day? That's what Terrys Chocolate Orange is for.

AdeleDazeem · 13/07/2015 22:58

Your plans sound lovely, very thoughtful to your guests. Good luck with the rest of your planning, especially the upcoming dress hunt! And congratulations.

AuntieMeemz · 13/07/2015 23:20

Tee hee, how about telling she is right, and would she make the canapes to save money?

However, since it's your wedding, it's your choice. You are being considerate. I went to a wedding in the middle of the country, there was nothing to eat anywhere, and we had to wait 5 hours until dinner, then it was 45 minutes between courses. We left at 10, just to go and get something to eat.

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