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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that we should be allowed to change our mind? (wedding related)

83 replies

EatDessertFirst · 13/07/2015 14:41

DP and I are finally getting married next year in August. I admit that I was quite naive about how many things had to be considered, and a lot of the stuff we didn't want seems to be a necessity now. We've cut out a lot of guff except seperate venues but that is unavoidable and have invited all the kids and partners. After reading so many threads about how guests hate being made to stand around while photos are taken after a wedding ceremony, we have decided to put on drinks and canapes for our guests at this time. It is expensive, but our ceremony is at 12.30pm, and we don't want people to remember our wedding as 'the one where we were all starving'. We are under no time pressure as the caterer is happy to wait till we have numbers and our booking with them is secure. We are paying for it ourselves.

So, the AIBU. On telling DM that DP and I have decided to add this in, DM has gone nuts. She shouted that I have got to stop changing my mind, that we shouldn't worry about guests being hungry as they are having a three course meal at 3pm, that we shouldn't be spending anymore money, its a waste of money......I could go on. Its made us start second guessing ourselves. We want our guests to be as comfortable as possible but her massive hissy fit has left me upset and the atmosphere tense. I know its very 'first-world problems' but I would appreciate your opinions.

Ta muchly.

OP posts:
notquitehuman · 13/07/2015 15:18

Your DM lost it over some canapés? What? It's up to you to decide what you do on the day, and you can make as many changes as you want. You are the ones paying for this right? Because if she's contributing in anyway then you'll have a constant battle for control.

I think it's lovely that you've arranged some nibbles. It shows great consideration for your guests.

daisywellies · 13/07/2015 15:20

Why is your mother getting so het up about it? Is she already worried that you've over stretched yourself or something? I think canapés with drinks will greatly add to guests' enjoyment of the wedding, as they won't be hanging around starving and drinking on an empty stomach. I would put money into that rather than into fancy chair covers or favours or things like that so I think you're doing the right thing.

polyhymnia · 13/07/2015 15:22

Absolutely agree with others - you are right and nothing worse at weddings than hanging around without food for hours while waiting for a 'proper meal'.
My DS who's getting married soon is laying on lots of canapés with the reception drinks instead of a starter with the main meal.
I really can't imagine why your DM is unhappy with your plans.

Crosbybeach · 13/07/2015 15:22

Just realised this is for next year - gosh this all sounds tense very soon!

Some people look for something to stress about, it sounds like she's found her thing. Maybe she hasn't felt involved and has been waiting to blow up about something? Or she's just letting off steam, wedding are surprisingly stressful not just for the bride...

She is obviously being unreasonable - but I'm just saying it might be worth wondering why?

And we did what you are planning to do - small selection of canapes with drinks before eating about an hour later.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 13/07/2015 15:22

I agree with everyone else, she can butt out.

Canapés and drinks are a very good idea, especially as your 12:30 ceremony is exactly at lunch time for many people, so eating beforehand would be tricky and then having to wait til 3pm for dinner... yes, you have got the right idea and your Mum, I really don't know what her problem is!!

I have to say that when we got married, DH and I sorted it all out and paid for it all ourselves, almost purely because I didn't want any interference from Mum. I knew she would try, not least with the guest list, and I wanted her to have absolutely no emotional blackmail tool. Glad I did too - because she still tried to shoe-horn in a couple of her relatives who I loathe - but she had no leverage to make me do it.
I think as Maryann said, she was a bit peed off that she had zero control, because she'd had no control over her own wedding guest list either - but she had had my sister's wedding prior to mine, and she'd stuck her oar in had quite a bit of input into that one another reason I was determined not to let her with mine!

Do what you want to do, and change your mind as often as you like until plans are set in stone and invitations are sent out - and even then you're allowed to change you mind! It's really none of your mother's concern, or indeed anyone else's except yours and your DP's (and the service providers, of course!)

Teabagbeforemilk · 13/07/2015 15:23

She is being reasonable if

she is paying
or
you keep changing your mind over and over and insist on running every detail past her, all the time.
or
you are paying but constanstly moaning about how expensive it all is and moaning about lack of money in general

If non of these apply then she is bu. If you have a good relationship, i would let the situation cool off and speak to her and ask whats going on.

Damnautocorrect · 13/07/2015 15:30

I think you've got the food situation spot on. Its a long time between when people would have had breakfast (especially if they've had a long journey) and dinner at 3.
I went to a wedding where this didn't happen and the bar did a roaring trade in crisps, especially for the 'I'm hungry' kids.

As for your DM, do you think its actually over a lack of input e.g its in your fiancees home town, your paying for it all.

firesidechat · 13/07/2015 15:30

I've been the mother of the bride fairly recently and, if you don't mind me voicing an opinion, I think you are dead right op.

One of the golden rules of a wedding should be, keep your guests fed and watered. This really - we don't want people to remember our wedding as 'the one where we were all starving'.

It's not your mum getting married and you're not "changing your mind". Weddings develop and evolve and there's nothing wrong with that.

Snoozybird · 13/07/2015 15:31

I got married at 12:00, had drinks and snacks at 12:30, then we sat down for the wedding breakfast at 14:30 which was actually served around 15:00. The snacks were all devoured (platters of sandwiches, potato wedges and fruit) and everyone cleared their three course wedding breakfast as well. We found the timings worked really well for us and our guests.

Original poster
EatDessertFirst · 13/07/2015 15:38

Thank you everyone. We are intending on paying for eveything so its not like we are asking her for more money. We have never moaned to her about how much it will cost, but I may have spoken to her abut cutting guff out and reapplying the funds elsewhere. She has been really tense about the whole thing, I think maybe her mum may have arranged a lot of her wedding as per the norm for her generation, and she is feeling like she should have more control. I have asked her to choose all our flowers arrangements to make sure she is involved, and she'll be dress shopping with me as well.

I'm going to stop telling her details, as you guys have advised, as this seems like a good idea to reduce her stress. We've been super organised, and planned a lot in advance as 1) I get incredibly ill when I'm stressed and 2) the money will be used for other, less important things if it sits in our account too long.

Thank you again for helping to bring clarity to my mind. Getting a wide range of opinions really helps with my stress levels.

OP posts:
Keeptrudging · 13/07/2015 15:38

We had canapés and drinks to keep our guests occupied between ceremony and meal, while we were getting our photos taken. Everyone said it was great (we didn't see any of it) Smile, we had a pianist playing songs from musicals too. My mother was like this too, lots of 'ooh, wedding of the century /will it be in Hello Magazine' sarcasm etc. Can't decide if she was jealous or miffed, she's a control freak & we ignored her! Grin

firesidechat · 13/07/2015 15:41

We have never moaned to her about how much it will cost, but I may have spoken to her abut cutting guff out and reapplying the funds elsewhere.

I would say you have a perfect balance. Putting more money into food and drink and cutting out pointless frills keeps everyone happy Except your mum of course. Grin

LostMySocks · 13/07/2015 16:52

I also had a rather anti socially early (at 12) wedding. I figured that people (including me and my bridesmaid and DH) would be starving if they had missed lunch. Drink on an empty stomach doesn't bode well and hungry people are grumpy people. Canapés are the way to go. We actually got a local baker to make us mini Cornish pasties and Danish pastries. I had a relaxed wedding so we had family and guests randomly passing round the trays. Suited us and kept cost down but different styles suit different people. If there will be children I strongly recommend bubbles as seems to keep all ages happy for a fair while

AliceAlice1979 · 13/07/2015 16:54

Giving your mum tasks like flowers is an excellent idea. And then cutting her involvement from other things is good too.
Can I make a further suggestion?

Can you find a minder for your mother for the day? If she's like this now she may be interesting on the say itself. It sounds to me like you need Someone to distract her, calm her down or in whom she can vent any tension on the day so it's not you? I had to use my cousin for this and by and large it worked. I only got shouted at once.

Fatmomma99 · 13/07/2015 16:58

mmm. I love canapes! Can I come?

PicaK · 13/07/2015 17:07

There's got to be something more to this. Is she having money worries?

GinandJag · 13/07/2015 17:10

I think canapés are a really good idea. You don't want your guests getting sloshed on an empty stomach!

grapejuicerocks · 13/07/2015 17:17

Don't you want to choose your own flowers? Shock Maybe let her investigate options but please have the final say. Again, it's nice to take her dress shopping but make sure you buy what you want to, not what she prefers.

And it's fine to change your mind as many times as you want to, as long as it doesn't actually negatively impact on others. - and mum being disappointed about something is not a negative impact.

ImperialBlether · 13/07/2015 17:24

What will the children eat? If they're hungry I'd hate it if they ate all the canapés! Could you get some party boxes for them? These are some boxes which you could use and just fill them with a carton of juice and some snacks. The last thing you need is a bunch of starving children running around!

PtolemysNeedle · 13/07/2015 17:27

Your mum is wrong, you definitely need canapés with those timings.

larry5 · 13/07/2015 17:27

Dd is getting married next year and it will be a 12 o'clock wedding. She is having coffee and cakes served at the church to ensure that the guests don't faint from hunger before the meal at 3. It also means that she can invite all the members of the church to the ceremony and offer them cakes and coffee without having to invite everyone to the actual reception as there would be to many people otherwise.

Icimoi · 13/07/2015 17:34

What stuns me about your mother's response is her suggestion that it is massively unreasonable to add something in 13 months before the wedding. WTactualF? I wonder how she'd react if you changed something a month beforehand? It sounds as if she would explode.

EducateTogetheralumnus · 13/07/2015 17:36

You'd be mad not to feed people. No-one'll have had lunch - they'll be steaming and starving by three. One of things you could do (if you do still want to save money) is have substantial canapés and then not have a starter. I wanted to do that but my mother (what IS it about them) said no so we had canapés and a three course meal Confused.

We got married at 3pm and had dinner at about 7.30pm so with the booze people did need a nibble.

It is about control......I spent a lot of my wedding prep time quite happy we were in different countries.

elbowsdontsing2 · 13/07/2015 17:44

its nowt to do with your mom your paying for it your decision, its sounds lovely by the way
whats a canape i thought that was some plastic thing that went over a shop doorway Blush

honeyroar · 13/07/2015 17:48

We got married at a really antisocial time of 11am (we married on 08/08/08 and it was a popular day..) then had photos at home at 12 and a meal at 2 pm. We put up a small marquee/large gazebo and had oodles of champagne and loads of M&S nibbles out on a large table. It just kept everyone happy until the meal while we had photos. So I think you were doing the right thing.

The worst wedding I went to happened at 1.30, so we had a good breakfast, then didn't serve food until 5.30 (and then only mini hamburgers and small cones of fries). People were starving and someone actually got a taxi to the local chippy to bring back several portions of food as they were starving later on and there was no evening food. We ended up leaving at 9.30 and having a snack at home instead.

I wonder why your mum is stressing so early? Is she happy about your wedding in general? I would keep it all to yourself for now and not let her start to stress you out.