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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to stop going to family gatherings..

70 replies

AuntieMeemz · 12/07/2015 22:49

Nephew is now 10 and has just stopped breast feeding on demand in public!
MIL bellows across the room at me when she doesn't like what she THINKS I'm doing..
BIL tells my children off (when they both win prizes for polite behaviour) whilst his children smash the place up..
BIL and SIL always insist that Nephew gets everything he wants at the table, everyone else can share what is left- he is the greediest child I have ever met, he steals all the Easter eggs, opens all the children's presents at Christmas, even though we give him a bag of his own to distract him.
I am emotionally sensitive, so this whole thing feels worse to me than it might to others, I suspect.
MIL says don't rock the boat, we are only together 3 days of the year. Can't you just put up with it? We do every time, but I hate myself for not standing up to them all. When I have done, it has resulted in them being very,very abusive and making me feel like the worst person that ever lived). If we stand up to them (DH always supports me, but it panics me because it starts such a torrent of abuse towards us, and ends with us quietly leaving while they yell their abuse and insults at us as we close the door).

OP posts:

OwlinaTree · 12/07/2015 22:52

Be ill next time, then each of your family can take a turn being ill. That gets you out of it for the next 18 months or so. Then maybe the car is in the garage or your dog is having a birthday....

BrowersBlues · 12/07/2015 22:53

10!!!

RachelRagged · 12/07/2015 22:57

Did I read right ? 10 ?!

ppolly · 12/07/2015 22:57

No you are being very sane and reasonable. Book holidays away, change your phone number, run away to Paris.

EatShitDerek · 12/07/2015 22:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bellebella · 12/07/2015 22:59

God no you are right, I wouldn't want my son's Easter eggs and Christmas presents taken off him and dealing with your bil.

Excuses are your friend!

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 12/07/2015 23:00

it starts such a torrent of abuse towards us, and ends with us quietly leaving while they yell their abuse and insults at us as we close the door

Breastfeeding at 10?

People bellowing across the room?

'A family gathering' makes it sounds so refined, as well. No, OP. You would not be unreasonable to want to dodge it. Sounds bloody awful.

LilyMayViolet · 12/07/2015 23:05

It sounds like some hellish Bosch painting.....horrendous! Yes, avoid!!!

5Foot5 · 12/07/2015 23:05

10!!??

I thought this post was going to turn out to be some sort of comedy turn on Game of Thrones and I was just trying to work out which of the Starks you were meant to be.

Seriously you wouldn't need to be emotionally sensitive to find this behaviour seriously intolerable.

Don't even make excuses. Tell them you will not be getting together anymore because you find their behaviour unpleasant and unacceptable.

DoreenLethal · 12/07/2015 23:07

Yeah. Please do stop going. I would happily be the worst person i the world if it meant never spendng time with them ever again. Bellow away.

pigsDOfly · 12/07/2015 23:11

Had to read that first line several times; 10?

Is that even possible?

grumpysquash · 12/07/2015 23:15

5Foot5
I thought exactly the same about GoT!

itsmeitscathy · 12/07/2015 23:19

I thought game of thrones too.

I wouldn't bother with excuses - tell them the truth, they sound utterly vile. they'd get two chances with insulting me and then id just not ever see them again.

Original poster

AuntieMeemz · 12/07/2015 23:26

oh I feel better having read your replies.
Yes nephew is 10 years old and a big stocky lad! SIL breast fed him when he was newborn, at the same time as she breastfed his sister who was 14 months. Always in family gatherings, at the table, everything would come out..one on each side... Where I come from, that isn't considered quite right! She breast fed him when he was 9, in the theatre during the interval...
We have decided not to go this Christmas, so when we tell them, it will be hell, here are some past quotes
.....''you should be with your family, are you sooo sensitive??? we have been there for you.....the children should be together, it's SO important..well you must come for boxing day...you are so selfish...don't you care about other people?? you are depriving your children of their family... (or her favourite) IMPOSSIBLE PEOPLE..why are you making your children miss out just because you are such a delicate flower...
I think I'm not really delicate, all my other family/friend/work relationships are ok.

Gatherings with my family are quiet, peaceful, sociable, considerate affairs, nobody would ever yell, bully or be abusive. I like it that way.

OP posts:

Backforthis · 12/07/2015 23:33

5Foot5 · 12/07/2015 23:35

Gatherings with my family are quiet, peaceful, sociable, considerate affairs, nobody would ever yell, bully or be abusive. I like it that way.

^^ This is the perfect line.

If they do say "you should be with your family" then tell them "Yes we will be with MY family" and repeat the above.

Honestly, you are not a delicate little flower you have just married in to the Addams Family.

travellinglighter · 12/07/2015 23:43

I hated family gatherings with my ex. Her family was great but her SIL was a nightmare, usually referred to her as the Panzer General when I was being polite and Hitlers W**k sock when I wasn’t. She bullied her husband mercilessly, was very offensive about all matters religious in front of my ex fil who was a C of E vicar. if she visited our house she was known to rearrange furniture for H&S reasons. Supervised all children activities with a level of discipline that was ridiculous. Despite this level of supervision her children were badly behaved with terrible table manners. I believed that the constant supervision removed the kids ability to make their own decisions. Her two kids youngest had developed a tone of voice that could be compared to a dentists drill designed specifically to attract their mothers attention while driving everyone else to distraction.

Her poor hubby. She waited until the kids were in school before becoming a sahm and then insisted that her hubby who had a horrendously early start to commute get up on the weekends really early to take eldest dd swimming so she could have a lie in.

You are not being unreasonable, if her your DH will support you then don’t go. Don’t explain, just say your not available.

SycamoreMum · 12/07/2015 23:45

Ffs. 10. One way to shut your SIL up is to say, "You're breastfeeding a teenager."

The others, seriously, just stare them down. Don't say a word, just stare at them.

JeanSeberg · 12/07/2015 23:47

Bitty.

prorsum · 13/07/2015 00:34

Dear God!

nomoremrsniceguy · 13/07/2015 01:09

You had me at the opening line. YANBU . Stop going. You don't have to take abuse from anyone.

Epilepsyhelp · 13/07/2015 01:16

This has to be a wind up. Why did you ever go back after the first time?

They tell abuse at you, what more reason do you need to not go back? You don't need to tell them so or hear their opinion of you, DH can tell them you all will not be coming.

Glitoris · 13/07/2015 01:19

10? Dear God woman,that's a Take A Break issue right there!

swimmerforlife · 13/07/2015 01:21

10?! Good lord YANBU.

Until they can behave like civilised adults do not ever go to another one of their family gatherings.

Use every excuse you can think of.

DoesItReallyMatter · 13/07/2015 01:44

10?

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