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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to stop going to family gatherings..

70 replies

AuntieMeemz · 12/07/2015 22:49

Nephew is now 10 and has just stopped breast feeding on demand in public!
MIL bellows across the room at me when she doesn't like what she THINKS I'm doing..
BIL tells my children off (when they both win prizes for polite behaviour) whilst his children smash the place up..
BIL and SIL always insist that Nephew gets everything he wants at the table, everyone else can share what is left- he is the greediest child I have ever met, he steals all the Easter eggs, opens all the children's presents at Christmas, even though we give him a bag of his own to distract him.
I am emotionally sensitive, so this whole thing feels worse to me than it might to others, I suspect.
MIL says don't rock the boat, we are only together 3 days of the year. Can't you just put up with it? We do every time, but I hate myself for not standing up to them all. When I have done, it has resulted in them being very,very abusive and making me feel like the worst person that ever lived). If we stand up to them (DH always supports me, but it panics me because it starts such a torrent of abuse towards us, and ends with us quietly leaving while they yell their abuse and insults at us as we close the door).

OP posts:

TheMoa · 13/07/2015 10:04

Really?

Is your OP perhaps somewhat over-egged?

NittyDora · 13/07/2015 10:19

You have Christmas and Easter with them every year? That's hard going. I wouldn't be doing that even if they were the most delightful family on the planet. Tell them to hop it and then have these holidays at your place, it'll be lovely.

SylvanianCaracal · 13/07/2015 10:23

There's nothing in OP that's any worse than other nightmare family behaviour I've heard about, so it rings true to me (and anyway even if it's not, it's better not to disbelieve people who might be genuine)

What I do think is important for OP and anyone else is that you don't have to take shit from family just because they're family. Unreasonable, demanding, needy or abusive people will use "But it's FAMILY!!!" as a way to keep you in line because no one would be so heartless as to reject their own family or have any issues with what they do. There's far too much of that going on and too many people having to endure miserable treatment out of guilt and obligation.

I can say that now because I've learned that lesson myself in the past few years and really stood up to family members (my own) who were horrendous to be around but just expected me to put up with it. I've had years of the guilt and misery and believing that it was me with the problem for minding. When you leave that obligation behind and stop worrying about hurting the feelings of people who have happily hurt yours for years, it's a great feeling and I recommend it to anyone.

funkybuddah · 13/07/2015 10:41

My family aren't like this but each Christmas they know I'm not leaving my house, they are welcome here but don't expect anything too special. My sister is the same, my mum comes round etc.
The breastfeeding is irrelevant here but then being utterly vile is excuse enough not to go.

Don't let you dh take your dcs, they don't deserve to be treated like that.

A question, would there be any life changing consequences to not been contact with them ever again?

Osmiornica · 13/07/2015 10:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

AuntieMeemz · 13/07/2015 12:04

glenthebattleostrich - love the idea of the knicker drawer!
backforthis- it is hard to believe. Its so good to have other peoples opinion, the family usually make me feel that I'm not being reasonable.
SylvanianCaracal-yes, it really is true, and this is only the tip of the iceberg. You should hear what goes on when (very wealthy) MIL insists on paying for something for us and we politely decline. The insults, abuse, and personal criticism is unbelievable. Every time we get out of a family gathering, MIL and FIL get really aggressive and it stresses me out for days. When we tell them we are not going for Christmas, nor the usual Boxing Day thing, nor the visit to the Panto, I will post the abuse we get! I usually hold the phone away from my head so I can't hear it, but you can hear her booming voice from across the room.
I keep telling myself that half of this family are totally off their heads, but it still gets to me. We are cutting them out more and more, so we will get there in the end.
Funny thing is, I was a happy,carefree, confident person before I had to deal with this family!

OP posts:

Original poster

AuntieMeemz · 13/07/2015 12:13

re the breastfeeding..I'm all for it, and not easily shocked. But a fully grown.stocky lad of 9/10 just looks strange to me. I think his parents are a bit scared of what he does when he doesn't get what he wants. I mean, given how the rest of the family carry on....

OP posts:

2rebecca · 13/07/2015 12:24

I wouldn't go. They aren't your family they're your husband's. He can visit them if he wishes. Alternatively visit your PIL but just not when BIL etc are there as they sound like the main problem.

2rebecca · 13/07/2015 12:27

If they get abusive when you don't visit then I'd stay calm and just reply something like "I don't understand why you ask us to visit when your insults and tone make it clear that you don't actually like us. We prefer to spend time with people who enjoy our company and don't bully us".
Insults would make me more determined not to have contact with people. It's not good for the kids to be together if they don't like each other.

CrystalCove · 13/07/2015 12:31

You do realise they only shout and scream continuous abuse at you and your family - because you let them away with it. If you dont see them or take calls etc then you wont hear or be exposed to their abuse. Simple really as it sounds horrendous.

And troll hunters stop with all the "is this real" posts - report if you think its bollocks.

AnnoyedParent22 · 13/07/2015 12:52

Are you financially reliant on your PIL for some reason or have they threatened to disinherit you if you don't comply with their demands?

Sorry if I am completely wrong or out of line here but I just wonder why you are putting up with this extreme abuse and bad behaviour from your in-laws?

You mention they are very wealthy... so I wonder if they might be pulling the financial strings which leaves you feeling like you have no choice but to give in to them.

5Foot5 · 13/07/2015 12:57

Can someone enlighten me as to what "bitty" is supposed to mean?

NinkyNonkers · 13/07/2015 12:58

BF wouldn't be an issue really in my mind, certainly not a reason not to go. Tandem feeding likewise.

But the rest sounds like a PITA!

RachelRagged · 13/07/2015 13:04

5foot5

"Bitty" is a sketch from Little Britain .. David Walliams, fully grown man, would go to his Mother for breast milk . called it bitty.

Damnautocorrect · 13/07/2015 13:17

Good god don't go! I might have missed the age of your kids or its not in there. But they shouldn't have to have their presents taken off them. Give them a normal christmas on their own.
They don't need to be together to put up with that shit.

If it makes it easier book to go to a cottage somewhere so "sorry we can't come we are going away". But for god sake don't tell them where!!!

Repeat at Easter.

If you get abuse "wow, thats made us want to come more".
What do these people bring to your life?

zoe146 · 13/07/2015 13:44

Aside from the breastfeeding (btw...ick, that child has very nearly, if not already, hit puberty.)
You have my in laws, abusive, horrid people, great at a guilt trip and generally use anything to pick a fault. It was generally aimed at me, but I put up with it for DH. DH cut his family out of his life, one by one, and now we see his mum once or twice a year for a few hours. They still try guilt tripping via text though...but I can live with that lol.

OP, you would not BU to cut these people out of your life, if you had a friend who behaved that way, espy to DC, I don't imagine they would be a friend very long. Sharing DNA doesn't give anyone the right to destroy yours/DC quality of life.

Booboostoo · 13/07/2015 13:45

I thought it was not physically possible to bf once the teeth changed. Does the 10 yo still have his milk teeth?

0x530x610x750x630x79 · 13/07/2015 13:56

you know you can put a phone down whilst people are shouting at you.

Original poster

AuntieMeemz · 13/07/2015 15:33

AnnoyedParent2- spot on! They have us over a barrel really. To break free is going to be very difficult. I have made the first step recently.

OP posts:

0x530x610x750x630x79 · 13/07/2015 19:19

I read lots of Anthony trollop as a 20something, that was when i decided i was lucky my parents were broke, i didn't have to take any shit from them :)

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