To be pissed off at DP's attitude re. his kids and mine?

[ZanshinJapan]

A few months ago we had cake-gate. That is, it was DS's birthday, we bought a cake, everyone had a piece ... during the course of the night DSS had 2 more pieces and by the night time there was hardly any left. I merely said to DP that I was hoping the cake would last at least two days. He went absolutely mental and said I was really out of order for implying that his son had more than his fair share. His son actually stood there and admitted he'd eaten it yet DP continued to argue making out that I was blaming his son for no good reason. Now I know it's a trivial issue but it's a case of DP constantly whining about my kids being greedy/selfish etc yet refusing to acknowledge when his son does anything wrong.

Same goes for Pepsi gate. If my son drinks more than his fair share of pepsi - DP goes mental and says "that's why we don't buy it! so greedy!! / selfish!! " etc etc yet his son will literally drink the whole bottle and DP will say "well, its there to be drank".

Biscuit-gate. My kids are told they are allowed a certain number of biscuits and if they have any more than that they're selfish/greedy/unruly etc etc. His son will see his way through the entire biscuit barrel and DP will not bat an eyelid.

Tonight we had doughnut-gate. Yesterday we bought two packets of doughnuts. I specifically said that if DP and I, and my two kids had one each, there would be enough for everyone, including his kids today (his kids were not here when they were bought).

Now, earlier today DP went in the cupboard and immediately started kicking off saying "so much for my kids getting a doughnut each!!! there is only one left!!!". Before he started on a rant about my 'greedy' kids I pointed out to him that I had placed an unopened packet at the back of the cupboard to ensure that everyone would get one today. He begrudgingly apologised.

Imagine my frustration then when tonight, DSS decided to help himself to two of the doughnuts meaning someone else had to go without.

DP's reaction? what reaction.

Now just to not drip feed - DSS is 18 but high functioning autistic. He communicates well and understands the concept of one each. However, as it's not enforced with him, he pushes it and takes more every time. This issue wouldn't be a huge issue to me, other than the fact that if MY kids do it, DP goes mental and won't let the issue drop.

Now after cake-gate, pepsi-gate, numerous biscuit-gates and not doughnut-gate, I'm starting to feel frustrated. As I said, wouldn't be such an issue if he wasn't so keen to bang on about my kids being greedy etc.

AIBU for being pissed off this time? especially as only minutes earlier he was ready to kick off because he assumed my kids had taken his kids share??!!

Sorry posted too soon. Calling them things like greedy etc sounds likely to cause food issues later on. Does your partner suffer from something like autism or another issue himself (not an expert) as he seems to have a real issue about food still being there?

As a fellow step mum I would say that YANBU.
All the children need to be treated the same, you need to agree house rules that apply to everybody.

However, as a mother of a child with mild special needs, I know how defensive and protective it makes you as a parent.
All parents are protective of their kids but when your child faces daily battles you become ultra ultra protective.
I think this is why your DH is being the way he is.
On the other hand, if he's autistic it's more reason to enforce boundaries.

I suppose your battle is to try and get your DH to see that by treating his DS differently he's actually doing him more harm than good and that actually reminding him that he can only have one donut and that he has to think of others will actually help him.

Good luck

gator I see your point. However, I don't think giving out advice on how to avoid the dh getting upset is helpful.

He is an abuser and if he can't call the greedy and selfish over food, he will find something else. Lockable containers isn't the answer. Ltb is the answer. Not every woman who lives in an abusive household will take that advice immediatly. No matter howuch we wish they would for the sake of their children

I work closely with young people who have autism and not all of their unreasonable behaviour can be written off like, "oh well, he's autistic!", sometimes they are just being stroppy 18yo boys who are pushing boundaries and it needs to be addressed. My office would be chaos if I let my interns act any way that they wanted "just because they're autistic".

I myself have very strong AS traits. Do I get to eat all the junk food and balls to everyone else who wanted some?

Your DP sounds absolutely awful. He's not parenting his kids and he's treating your kids like shit. I can't understand why you would allow this horrible man to speak to them like that - greedy? Unruly? Seriously, you need to rethink your priorities.