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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off at DP's attitude re. his kids and mine?

79 replies

ZanshinJapan · 12/07/2015 18:27

A few months ago we had cake-gate. That is, it was DS's birthday, we bought a cake, everyone had a piece ... during the course of the night DSS had 2 more pieces and by the night time there was hardly any left. I merely said to DP that I was hoping the cake would last at least two days. He went absolutely mental and said I was really out of order for implying that his son had more than his fair share. His son actually stood there and admitted he'd eaten it yet DP continued to argue making out that I was blaming his son for no good reason. Now I know it's a trivial issue but it's a case of DP constantly whining about my kids being greedy/selfish etc yet refusing to acknowledge when his son does anything wrong.

Same goes for Pepsi gate. If my son drinks more than his fair share of pepsi - DP goes mental and says "that's why we don't buy it! so greedy!! / selfish!! " etc etc yet his son will literally drink the whole bottle and DP will say "well, its there to be drank".

Biscuit-gate. My kids are told they are allowed a certain number of biscuits and if they have any more than that they're selfish/greedy/unruly etc etc. His son will see his way through the entire biscuit barrel and DP will not bat an eyelid.

Tonight we had doughnut-gate. Yesterday we bought two packets of doughnuts. I specifically said that if DP and I, and my two kids had one each, there would be enough for everyone, including his kids today (his kids were not here when they were bought).

Now, earlier today DP went in the cupboard and immediately started kicking off saying "so much for my kids getting a doughnut each!!! there is only one left!!!". Before he started on a rant about my 'greedy' kids I pointed out to him that I had placed an unopened packet at the back of the cupboard to ensure that everyone would get one today. He begrudgingly apologised.

Imagine my frustration then when tonight, DSS decided to help himself to two of the doughnuts meaning someone else had to go without.

DP's reaction? what reaction.

Now just to not drip feed - DSS is 18 but high functioning autistic. He communicates well and understands the concept of one each. However, as it's not enforced with him, he pushes it and takes more every time. This issue wouldn't be a huge issue to me, other than the fact that if MY kids do it, DP goes mental and won't let the issue drop.

Now after cake-gate, pepsi-gate, numerous biscuit-gates and not doughnut-gate, I'm starting to feel frustrated. As I said, wouldn't be such an issue if he wasn't so keen to bang on about my kids being greedy etc.

AIBU for being pissed off this time? especially as only minutes earlier he was ready to kick off because he assumed my kids had taken his kids share??!!

OP posts:
magoria · 12/07/2015 20:51

It doesn't matter that his child is autistic.

He is treating your children like shit.

Why the hell are subjecting your kids to this second class citizen abuse and continuing to plan to marry him?

QuestioningStuff · 12/07/2015 20:51

OP from what you've said I think I may remember a previous thread of yours.

You really need to deal with this. Now. The damage that he is doing to your children can't be undone. Please don't ignore it or pass it off as trivial. You need to protect your children. They deserve to grow up in a home they can feel comfortable in, not being called names, treated unfairly, feeling like second class citizens.

I wouldn't be surprised if they end up with food issues.

Please stand up for them.

magoria · 12/07/2015 20:53

Also in future if his kids eat more than their share it should be him that goes with out not you or yours.

Bet that never happens though.

Yerwanoverthere · 12/07/2015 20:57

I feel really sorry for your kids. The issue is not what his children eat, the issue is how terrible he is treating your kids and you are allowing it.

RandomMess · 12/07/2015 21:04

Urgh I think the resentment would grow and turn into a deal breaker. However having 4 dc and a DH who is an unhealthy snacker we now have a snack box each which has stopped accusations by the various food police of the house!

OTheHugeManatee · 12/07/2015 21:05

Your 'D'P is the problem. And you. You are letting him treat your kids like this. Put a stop to it now or face the fact that your children will be harmed by his shitty treatment forever and it will have been your fault for failing to protect them.

ZetaPu · 12/07/2015 21:09

I just think it's awful that the kids have to endure such vileness in their own home. Over treat food of all things.
This attitude from your dp is appalling.
He needs to stick to the rules too or as pp said, separate containers for your kids and his.
Or get rid. A person who kicks off about food to kids is a disgrace.

Pumpkinpositive · 12/07/2015 21:11

Are you the poster whose fiance went batshit at her because her son interrupted a skype conversation he was having with his son (or similar)?

HappyGirlNow · 12/07/2015 21:20

Are you just going to post about these issues continually? Hmm

HagOtheNorth · 12/07/2015 21:23

So, is it really a case of 'Any man is better than none' and your children will just have to deal with it when he's their stepfather?

SquinkiesRule · 12/07/2015 21:35

Why are you exposing your kids to this horrible man, they are called names and see their mother yelled at and disrespected. What a life. This will be their childhood memories and have a lifelong affect on them.

GatoradeMeBitch · 12/07/2015 21:42

"gatorade lockable containers?? Wtf??? If the dh was abusing the OP would you give her advice on how to keep him happy so he doesn't abuse her further?"

Nope. But she's not going to leave him is she? I'd rather she at least minimize the opportunities for him to go mental at her children.

I've seen so many of these threads and the women very rarely leave. They vent here, and once they have calmed down we don't hear from them again until the next time. Things hardly ever change.

Thisismyfirsttime · 12/07/2015 21:52

Are you dc's hearing him say all this about them?!

CamelHump · 12/07/2015 23:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Youloveit · 13/07/2015 08:22

He sounds absolutely awful. Get rid, OP!

comedycentral · 13/07/2015 08:28

Why are you both together? You all sound so wrong together. A really dysfunctional family. The language you both use to describe the kids is awful. You know your going to fuck up the way you think about food?

Btw cut out the sugary crap, it sounds like it causes nothing but problems and it's no good for you anyway.

CrispyFern · 13/07/2015 08:42

you have the power to remove this poison from your DC's lives.
Wield it.
Or they will bear the scars for the rest of their lives.

Sallystyle · 13/07/2015 08:50

I would not stick around and let my children be treated like that OP.

I know it is difficult to leave someone, but it is your job to protect them. I know it isn't always that easy to leave someone but your children should not be brought up in this environment.

PenguindreamsofDraco · 13/07/2015 09:31

I don't understand this. You post the same sort of stories, you get the same sort of advice, you disaappear, you come back with the same sort of stories etc etc.

What are you looking for?

lunar1 · 13/07/2015 09:42

I have no idea how a parent can think it's fine for their children to be treated like shit for the sake of a relationship. My parents both did it to my brother and I, and nothing will make up for the lost years of childhood spend scared of double standards in our own home.

Start putting your children first and LTB.

Marynary · 13/07/2015 10:54

It all sounds very unpleasant and petty. I think that it is really nasty to call a child "greedy" and I would be very unhappy about that.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 13/07/2015 11:02

Is he unfair to your DC in other ways too? I think he's used to making excuses for his children's behaviour and has never addressed any of it, maybe through guilt, who knows - but that's not so much the problem as the fact that he IS taking it out of your kids. THAT's the bit that sticks out - the unfairness against your DC.

And for that, I'd LTB.

OstentatiousBreastfeeder · 13/07/2015 11:02

I grew up in a house like this. It was fucking awful.

Stepping on eggshells around my dad who was the Food Police, making sure we had our allotted portions and no more otherwise there'd be an almighty family row. He was abusive in many ways and this was just one of them.

Stop making an issue of food. Both of you. You all sound wound up tight.

morelikeguidelines · 13/07/2015 11:12

Ltb. He sounds awful. Rationing the food seems quite unhealthy to me anyway , but if you're going to do that it needs to be fair.

Sounds like he uses horrible language towards your kids

whereismagic · 13/07/2015 11:19

It's not about food, it's about something else. Only you know what the root of the argument is.

In the meantime what can't you buy 2 cakes for birthday or 3 packets of donuts? Why does it have to be so tightly rationed? All the "-gates" you described are about foods with super-high content of sugar. Is it your partner's way of hinting that your children eat are overweight? I am not saying they are or that he has a right to behave like this, only that it seems you don't discuss difficult issues.