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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be pissed off at DP's attitude re. his kids and mine?

79 replies

ZanshinJapan · 12/07/2015 18:27

A few months ago we had cake-gate. That is, it was DS's birthday, we bought a cake, everyone had a piece ... during the course of the night DSS had 2 more pieces and by the night time there was hardly any left. I merely said to DP that I was hoping the cake would last at least two days. He went absolutely mental and said I was really out of order for implying that his son had more than his fair share. His son actually stood there and admitted he'd eaten it yet DP continued to argue making out that I was blaming his son for no good reason. Now I know it's a trivial issue but it's a case of DP constantly whining about my kids being greedy/selfish etc yet refusing to acknowledge when his son does anything wrong.

Same goes for Pepsi gate. If my son drinks more than his fair share of pepsi - DP goes mental and says "that's why we don't buy it! so greedy!! / selfish!! " etc etc yet his son will literally drink the whole bottle and DP will say "well, its there to be drank".

Biscuit-gate. My kids are told they are allowed a certain number of biscuits and if they have any more than that they're selfish/greedy/unruly etc etc. His son will see his way through the entire biscuit barrel and DP will not bat an eyelid.

Tonight we had doughnut-gate. Yesterday we bought two packets of doughnuts. I specifically said that if DP and I, and my two kids had one each, there would be enough for everyone, including his kids today (his kids were not here when they were bought).

Now, earlier today DP went in the cupboard and immediately started kicking off saying "so much for my kids getting a doughnut each!!! there is only one left!!!". Before he started on a rant about my 'greedy' kids I pointed out to him that I had placed an unopened packet at the back of the cupboard to ensure that everyone would get one today. He begrudgingly apologised.

Imagine my frustration then when tonight, DSS decided to help himself to two of the doughnuts meaning someone else had to go without.

DP's reaction? what reaction.

Now just to not drip feed - DSS is 18 but high functioning autistic. He communicates well and understands the concept of one each. However, as it's not enforced with him, he pushes it and takes more every time. This issue wouldn't be a huge issue to me, other than the fact that if MY kids do it, DP goes mental and won't let the issue drop.

Now after cake-gate, pepsi-gate, numerous biscuit-gates and not doughnut-gate, I'm starting to feel frustrated. As I said, wouldn't be such an issue if he wasn't so keen to bang on about my kids being greedy etc.

AIBU for being pissed off this time? especially as only minutes earlier he was ready to kick off because he assumed my kids had taken his kids share??!!

OP posts:

ZetaPu · 12/07/2015 18:51

All this arguing, anger and name calling over food?! It's awful.
Just have ground rules that apply to everyone.
If there's only one doughnut for each child, let them know.
If there are two biscuits per person available, let them know.
Let all of them know, including your petty dp, and ensure the rules are adhered to or stop buying it.

MythicalKings · 12/07/2015 18:52

yy to 2 containers.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 12/07/2015 18:58

Zeta - the OP has already said that her dh enforces the rules on her children but not on his. And unless the container with her food is locked or well hidden, her ds's will eat the food anyway, with no consequences.

GatoradeMeBitch · 12/07/2015 19:01

Maybe for the weekends, you buy treats for your kids, he buys treats for his? Then he won't be able to fuss and whine if your things get eaten because it's none of his business. Can you get lockable food containers? It sounds extreme, but maybe you need an extreme measure while your DP is being a twat?

Or take your kids out and buy and eat the treats while you are actually out of the house.

(And high functioning autism is no excuse for gluttony. DS has HFA, he understands how to share. Don't accept that as an excuse.)

basicbitch · 12/07/2015 19:03

Your kids will be picking up on and internalising this. I agree with DoreenLethal

FlamingoPleated · 12/07/2015 19:04

Sorry fair enough that was unhelpful and obnoxious. And fair enough to treats. But no children should be drinking Pepsi, seriously soft drinks are fucking awful. And I'm not a purist by the way.

Anyway I know that's not the point of the thread at all and I'm not being helpful. I will be off but YANBU re the issue you describes

CamelHump · 12/07/2015 19:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Teabagbeforemilk · 12/07/2015 19:19

Thebpoint isn't really about how he treats his kids.

He is abusing yours. I wouldn't let anyone call my kids names even if they did eat an extra fucking donut. They would be spoken to. Not shouted at and called names.

I have never said this but LTB, if dh (he is the kids dad) spoke to our kids this way he would be out on his arse.

Teabagbeforemilk · 12/07/2015 19:22

gatorade lockable containers?? Wtf??? If the dh was abusing the OP would you give her advice on how to keep him happy so he doesn't abuse her further?

LaLyra · 12/07/2015 19:35

I don't think constantly picking at your kids and letting his kids do whatever is trivial tbh.

However if you do and you are planning on staying together then I'd have individual treat boxes. We have one box each, each 'treat' gets divvied up in to the boxes on a Sunday. Each has 7 things (they don't just contain chocolate and stuff, i have to ration some fruit to an extent or the 8 year old with no full feeling would have no teeth and a constantly upset stomach) and its up to each person if they make it last or if they binge on one night. First week the kids binged, then they moaned for 6 days - now they are all really good with not eating too much at once at all. In fact tonight 3 of the 5 boxes had stuff left.

It saves any arguing. They're not lockable, but they all know the consequences for touching someone elses.

bloodyteenagers · 12/07/2015 19:35

Yup two lockable safes.
You and your kids have one and each know the combo. Him and his know theirs.
No sharing of the combo and when a greedy person scoffs everything, oh well, no nicking from the other lots.
In fact you hand over their
Safe and tell your dp he has to add the code and not share it with you and your kids.. Because you know if you set it up, your kids have scoffed their stash.

Also look at any redeeming qualities he has. Coz he ain't looking that great at the moment.

grapejuicerocks · 12/07/2015 19:36

The food is irrelevant. He needs to see the unfairness in the way he treats them, as anon says.

How long have you been together op? If this isn't sorted then your resentment will continue to grow and that isn't fair on any of the kids.

When he kicks off at your kids just calmly remind him of his inconsistencies. If he continues to ignore you then I think you might have big relationship problems. There is a real lack of respect for you.

BolshierAyraStark · 12/07/2015 19:36

Fuck that, he sounds like an absolute arse. Hate double standards & that's what this is. I would dump him.

WhereYouLeftIt · 12/07/2015 20:12

Apart from the lack of respect with which he seems to treat you, OP - how old are your children? What is it like for them to have him always jumping down their throats? What is it like for them to be walking on eggshells around him? This really doesn't sound like a healthy environment fro them to live in. Actually scrub the 'how old are they' question, because it really doesn't matter; regardless of their age, this is shit for them.

DesertIslander · 12/07/2015 20:15

I don't think YANU. I couldn't actually live like that.

DesertIslander · 12/07/2015 20:17

Don't want to upset you, OP, but there's no way in hell I'd ever let anyone treat my children like that.

bigbumtheory · 12/07/2015 20:20

DP should be an ex from the sounds of it. He's not just showing blatant favourism towards his children, hie's pushing yours aside and being nasty. I think you seriously need to think about leaving him, or at the very least tell him all of what you've said above.

RoseRoseRoseRose · 12/07/2015 20:21

If somebody called my DC 'greedy' and 'selfish', they would be out the door.

The whole set up sounds absolutely horrible, for your kids, his kids, you....

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 12/07/2015 20:26

Forget the food. Forget the double standards. He's treating your children horribly - isn't that enough to reconsider this relationship?

Sometimesjustonesecond · 12/07/2015 20:32

I never understand why women do this to their kids - they are in their own home and this bloke you've brought into their lives is treating them like shit and you haven't kicked him out.

Put your children first and ltb!

WhoNickedMyName · 12/07/2015 20:34

jesus christ how many times are you going to keep posting about this gobshite?

you get pretty much the same advice on every thread.

I'm surprised your kids aren't nervous wrecks who are terrified to go near the fucking kitchen, never mind dare to scoff one donut too many.

Tangerineandturquoise · 12/07/2015 20:36

I think the way he treats your kids is really unkind- the way he treats you is at shows no respect or care for you
But are you being tighter with your kids to please him than you would be if he wasn't there?
Why is he in your family unit?

Teabagbeforemilk · 12/07/2015 20:37

Have you posted about this before?

Why are you allowing this wanker to hurt your children?

HagOtheNorth · 12/07/2015 20:41

'I never understand why women do this to their kids - they are in their own home and this bloke you've brought into their lives is treating them like shit and you haven't kicked him out'

This^^
You are planning on marrying this man.

AuntyMag10 · 12/07/2015 20:46

Agree with Sometimes.
You are just as much as responsible for messing up your kids life as you brought this horrible man into your home and you are still allowing him there!
Figs can't you see how your kids are being treated in their own home??

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