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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that, by date 3, this is a big red flag?

102 replies

Lostin3dspace · 12/07/2015 11:13

I'm about to go on date 3 with a man I thought was lovely, but he sent me a text yesterday telling me what he thought I'd look lovely in, including length of dress, perfume, underwear, light makeup. Up until this point, I was looking forward to it, but now I'm very skeptical. Am I just overthinking this? It's not like he's asked me to wear anything outlandish.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 12/07/2015 12:03

I can't believe he was telling you all that when you'd only had two dates with him! What an idiot that guy is.

ImperialBlether · 12/07/2015 12:04

I'd love to know what he actually said. Can you imagine him sitting there texting it, thinking it all out? As a PP said, it's like he's buying a blow up doll.

irretating · 12/07/2015 12:05

You did the right thing, it was weird controlling behaviour of him. Hope you feel chirpier soon!

Original poster
Lostin3dspace · 12/07/2015 12:11

I guess I'll get over it. Having been dumped by my husband last year and still going through the divorce bit, maybe I'm not ready to go dating.

Anyway, I'm going to go mountain biking in the woods with some friends instead this afternoon.

OP posts:
corlan · 12/07/2015 12:16

That's a good plan - now, what are you going to wear?Wink

Original poster
Lostin3dspace · 12/07/2015 12:17

Unattractive Lycra. But none of the (male) friends will give a monkeys, or pass any comment.

OP posts:
FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 12/07/2015 12:17

I recommend a long dress and perfume, oh and heels! Helps you grip the pedals.

Guiltypleasures001 · 12/07/2015 12:19

Oh lost don't lose heart, on the plus side it is a shame we could have turned this in to a team sport event. Told us where you were going description of him etc, and then the mumsnet possie could have kept you company in the surrounding seats Shock

I imagine flicking of popcorn in to the back of his head, tutting and sighing, I personally do a nice line in intimidating eyebrow raising
It should be an Olympic sport. Grin

My on line dating foray was hilarious, first one had a foot and shoe fettish, one was a closet alcoholic who I found rooting around in my purse for change to buy a bottle of vodka Hmm

On the plus side I met dh through a now ex psycho mate met online and been together 10 yrs married nearly 5, and considers overly tall stroppy teen son his own.

ThanksThanks

Teabagbeforemilk · 12/07/2015 12:20

It's ok to be sad. I am sad that such a dick is out there, inflicting himself on women

Flatt7 · 12/07/2015 12:41

Why is everyone so offended by this? It seems like he was just being flirty? My reaction would be to tease him about it, not dump him over that if he has been lovely otherwise.

dreamoutloud · 12/07/2015 13:12

There's nothing flirty in telling a woman who obviously doesn't wear makeup to put some on. That's letting her know she doesn't look good enough. How sexy.

Flatt7 · 12/07/2015 13:17

You don't NEED to take it in such a negative way. Why is the first assumption 'This must be a judgement on my usual appearance'. He wouldn't bother to date her if he didn't like her.

But if you have taken some genuine offence, then why not meet up with him (wearing whatever you like) and ask him directly about it? An open and honest conversation? Unless you were already looking for an excuse not to go any further anyway. I can't see any other reason really for bristling up so easily.

bodenbiscuit · 12/07/2015 13:22

I briefly dated a guy who did this. He turned out to be a narcissist

AntiHop · 12/07/2015 13:22

So glad to hear you called it of. What a dickhead. Don't be put off dating by one bad incident though.

ImperialBlether · 12/07/2015 13:24

Really, Flatt? So if a man you hardly knew told you that when you next met he wanted you in specific underwear, clothes, make up (which you don't wear anyway) and even what perfume you should be wearing, you'd think there was nothing wrong with that?

Bogeyface · 12/07/2015 13:32

But none of the (male) friends will give a monkeys, or pass any comment.

Are any of them single?! They sound perfect!

Original poster
Lostin3dspace · 12/07/2015 13:35

Well, I guess that's why I posted here, was he just being flirty, and was I just being massively over sensitive ?
At the end of the day though, if it made me uncomfortable enough to post on this forum, (and I've lurked here for years, but never posted), then it wouldn't have made for a relaxing and enjoyable date really, I'd have felt judged and on display throughout.

OP posts:
BringMeTea · 12/07/2015 13:35

Oh Lostinspace don't cry! You have recognized a knobber and sent him packing! Rejoice in that. You did good! Flowers

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 12/07/2015 13:37

If a man I hardly knew, decided to tell me what to wear, in the early days when we're all on our best behaviour, I'd think he was overstepping my boundaries, and that would likely get worse with time.

You don't get much of a chance to make a first impression. Telling someone what they should do is not a good start. I wouldn't waste my time trying to "fix him". I'd know we weren't compatible.

MrsHenryCrawford · 12/07/2015 13:37

Don't waste your time on Date three

GeorgiaOQueef · 12/07/2015 13:45

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

SkaterGrrrrl · 12/07/2015 13:47

Well done. There are loads of lovely men out there. You sound fab. I'm sure you will meet a good un soon.

Gabilan · 12/07/2015 13:50

"He wouldn't bother to date her if he didn't like her."

If he liked her and respected her, he wouldn't try to dictate how she looks. And actually, men do date people they don't like, if they are getting something else out of the relationship. For some men (possibly some women as well, I don't date them) the relationship is about control, not liking someone and certainly not about love and respect.

Flirty is "heh, you looked lovely in that dress you wore the other day, any chance you could wear it again? Smile". Stipulating what you think someone should wear, down to perfume, make up and underwear, on date 3, is just controlling and weird.

Now I very much suspect this man knows exactly what he's doing. On the off chance that he's just inept, it might be worth the OP saying something about not wanting anyone to dictate what she wears. However tbh I don't think she owes him even that much.

Original poster
Lostin3dspace · 12/07/2015 14:03

His message was about the details and timing of the date, then what he thought I would look nice in...including makeup, what kind of underwear, type of dress, or type of shirt and skirt. And what the shirt should be made of. Although he didn't appear to have a preference over shoes. I get that people have likes and dislikes, I think it is just going a bit far to try to dictate. Text message isn't a great medium of communication though.

OP posts:
BringMeTea · 12/07/2015 14:08

Please do NOT spend time wondering if his behaviour was misconstrued in any way. It was not. He is a freak. There are definitely very good men out there. He is not one of them.