To be annoyed by this?

[huhpuh]

First AIBU, please be gentle...

DH and I have two children, 2 years old and 4 months. We used to live in London and have now moved into the country, about 4 hours away. DH is retired and I'm on a career break to be a SAHM.

Before we moved and had children, DH did a voluntary role once a month for 3 days. It's worthy but also a bit macho. He really enjoys it. He carried on doing the role once we'd moved away and had DD1. It meant him being away for 3 days in a row every four weeks. He had to stop last November when my pregnancy SPD got really bad and I couldn't manage DD1 on my own and he hasn't restarted as DD2 is only 4 months, colicky, refluxy and a bad sleeper. And did I mention we also have a two year old?!

Anyway, he keeps mentioning about restarting this role. In principle, I am ok with this at some point, but having the two children for 3 whole days at this point seems a big ask. He went away for 3 days a week or so ago and by the time he got back, I was on my knees. I am finding having two children about four times harder than having one! I'm talking tired, tearful and overwhelmed.

Now, he's just told me that this charity want him back in September. That really doesn't sound like their style so I checked his emails - they're all on my iPad. He's volunteered September, without so much as a discussion with me. Not to drip feed, he also has a hobby that takes him away for a day a week and various courses associated with that hobby. He also bangs on about how he doesn't do this hobby as much as he wants.

I'm angry that he hasn't had the manners to discuss the re-start with me. but then I really shouldn't have looked at his emails. It just feels to me like his life hasn't altered one bit having kids and I'm stuck at home cleaning up the sick and shit while he gets to have a life. I am very tired though and accept that perspective may be lacking.

Views?

All you saying I did this I did that, my DH was away months and months at a time and I did this with three broken arms, I suspect it was most likely either the way it was when you decided to have DC or discussed. That isn't the case for OP. Her DH changed the goalposts.
My DH works nights, I work part time, when we are lucky enough to have a sticky (in the right place) baby, we have a plan. If he changed that without discussion, I'd be unimpressed too

Yanbu based on he is reneging on what the plan was to be. I would just confront him and tell him you know you shouldn't have but you saw his emails and know that he asked to go back. Then instead of making him stay at home tell him you would like to hire a sitter to help you on the days he is gone, that you need the help. I'm not talking hiring the sitter then leaving, hire the sitter to help alongside you. If he's retired it shouldn't be too much of a financial strain. He gets out, you get help and some companionship.

When ds was an infant dh traveled fairly often for a week at a time, then he joined a class once a week after work that he wouldn't be home until way after ds was in bed, so effectively from Sunday night at bedtime until Tuesday night I wouldn't have help, and this was once a week. Bully for those who would find this easy, it was hard, isolating and boring. That was 13 years ago and I still hold a grudge about this because especially with traveling it was hard and it was something fun for him but totally optional. If I would have hired a helper just for part of the time I know I wouldn't even think about it now.

Also a lot of those that seem to do the impossible have family and other help. I had No one. I had a friend that had her mil come over so she could grocery shop! I can't even imagine that one! (She had one baby at the time!)

Why don't you just get a babysitter to help out for a couple of days while your DH is away? I have a 3-year old and 8 month old and it is tiring but for the weeks when my DH is away traveling on business I try to book a babysitter for a couple of days so I can have some support.

4 months is a tricky stage. I remember having a harder time with my DD at that age than when she was a newborn. So I can see why you might be dreading your DH going away but by September it'll be a different story. Just get some help if you need it. There's no shame in admitting that you don't want to or can't cope alone. The martyr mommy thing is not for everyone.

I don't understand why the OP doesn't share the nights so she isn't tired, or at least catch up with sleep during the day?

I am going away for a week during the summer and leaving DP to cope alone. I'd not be impressed if he said I couldn't. Obviously I'll give him a break when I get back.

I agree that bed time is usually the most stressful time of the day when you are trying to juggle 2 small children & everyone is tired. So, if you are used to doing it together I'm not surprised it looks daunting. Perhaps it would help to work out some coping strategies, there are lots of threads in Parenting asking for advice on how to manage a toddler & a baby so do a search & read a few of those for tips. Then look at the issues you raised & see what could be improved....

1. Toddler waking up too early - we found a Gro-clock worked well. Basically you set the time when the 'sun' comes up to the time your child normally wakes then gradually move it forward by 5 mins until they are staying in bed until a reasonable time. If she is still having a daytime nap it may be worth limiting it to try for a longer nighttime sleep or setting bedtime later.

1. If you've been up with the baby in the night then DH should be taking DD1 down for breakfast & out of earshot while you have a lie in. You don't say whether DD2 is bottle or breastfed, obviously if bottle fed then he needs to be doing his fair share so you both get enough rest.

1. Colic & reflux - if your baby (and you) are still suffering then can you go back to your health visitor or GP for different treatment? I don't have experience of these but it seems that unless you are a bit pushy then you are just left to soldier on when there are medicines that could help. Also refluxy babies are often weaned before 6 months as the solid food can help them. Again this may be worth looking in to and could improve things for you.

Good luck!