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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed by this?

81 replies

huhpuh · 11/07/2015 19:25

First AIBU, please be gentle...

DH and I have two children, 2 years old and 4 months. We used to live in London and have now moved into the country, about 4 hours away. DH is retired and I'm on a career break to be a SAHM.

Before we moved and had children, DH did a voluntary role once a month for 3 days. It's worthy but also a bit macho. He really enjoys it. He carried on doing the role once we'd moved away and had DD1. It meant him being away for 3 days in a row every four weeks. He had to stop last November when my pregnancy SPD got really bad and I couldn't manage DD1 on my own and he hasn't restarted as DD2 is only 4 months, colicky, refluxy and a bad sleeper. And did I mention we also have a two year old?!

Anyway, he keeps mentioning about restarting this role. In principle, I am ok with this at some point, but having the two children for 3 whole days at this point seems a big ask. He went away for 3 days a week or so ago and by the time he got back, I was on my knees. I am finding having two children about four times harder than having one! I'm talking tired, tearful and overwhelmed.

Now, he's just told me that this charity want him back in September. That really doesn't sound like their style so I checked his emails - they're all on my iPad. He's volunteered September, without so much as a discussion with me. Not to drip feed, he also has a hobby that takes him away for a day a week and various courses associated with that hobby. He also bangs on about how he doesn't do this hobby as much as he wants.

I'm angry that he hasn't had the manners to discuss the re-start with me. but then I really shouldn't have looked at his emails. It just feels to me like his life hasn't altered one bit having kids and I'm stuck at home cleaning up the sick and shit while he gets to have a life. I am very tired though and accept that perspective may be lacking.

Views?

OP posts:

blacktreaclecat · 11/07/2015 21:11

YANBU. I have 1 3 year old and I still text DH at 4.30pm to ask what time he'll be home, and get my dad to come round to help if DH isn't around at bedtime. I'm just not cut out for solo parenting and I don't think there's anything wrong either that. I didn't sign up for it and I find it stressful and tiring. I love DS more than anything but never having another...
Anyway just wanted to say I'd be raging if DH tried to go away for 3 days (and nights??) so you aren't alone.

PurpleSwift · 11/07/2015 21:12

P.s last year when my LO was 12 months I found my partner working 7-7 hard enough. I don't blame you

MrsCampbellBlack · 11/07/2015 21:13

YABU. Lordy, you have it way easier than most.

paxtecum · 11/07/2015 21:14

Op: Ignore the ' I had six DCs under the age Of three' brigade, because this is about you. Do you ever get a break from the DCs?

How much of a hands on Dad is your DH?

Do you share all the housework and cooking?

formerbabe · 11/07/2015 21:15

YANBU. I have 1 3 year old and I still text DH at 4.30pm to ask what time he'll be home, and get my dad to come round to help if DH isn't around at bedtime. I'm just not cut out for solo parenting

No offence meant but I'm genuinely baffled by this.

MrsCampbellBlack · 11/07/2015 21:18

If OP's DH is retired surely she gets more help than the vast majority of people.

Ginrummy · 11/07/2015 21:22

What cyclechic said. You just need to make life easier for yourself when you're alone. Easy meals, no baths for kids. TV on for 2 year old when they wake up early so you can doze. Once a month no harm done.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 11/07/2015 21:23

Op - why are you only getting 3 hours sleep a night? When Ds (my second) was born my Dh took 6 weeks off work. It was great! I did all the nights so he got 7 hours guaranteed sleep. I then got to sleep as late as I wanted / needed to in the mornings so I got a decent amount of sleep too.

If neither of you are working then there is no reason for you to be even slightly tired normally. To put it bluntly - you have nowhere you have to go to. If you start off not tired then 3 days of not enough sleep shouldn't be too bad. (From experience) it's when you start off shattered that it is awful.

Fallout4 · 11/07/2015 21:24

I do think you are being unreasonable op but it's completely understandable when you are so shattered.
It does get easier though and hopefully by September the baby will be easier to manage too. It takes awhile to get into a routine but it will happen.
When my dh came home and said he was going away on detachment for 6 months I cried my eyes out with despair because I just knew I couldn't cope with the dc on my own, the youngest was only 3 months old then but you know what I managed it and it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Now 8 years on and I don't even bat an eyelid when he goes away. I miss him of course but the kids & I are fine and we just get on with it.
You will be fine too op.
My main issue was lack of sleep but in the end I just went to bed when they did including nap times hehe.
As for your dh lying, well I would be really pee'd off about that and we would certainly be having words.

Oldraver · 11/07/2015 21:26

Why are you only getting 3 hours sleep when there are both of you at home ? How much sleep does he get ?

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 11/07/2015 21:31

No offence meant but I'm genuinely baffled by this.

It's to do with what you are used to. Some friends expressed surprise that I happily took my two out for lunch on my own when Ds was really really weeny and found it really easy. On the other hand when Dh goes out for the evening I always always want to tear my hair out at toothbrushing time as it is then that I realise that if you don't have someone to shut the bathroom door at the exact right moment and rugby tackle the two year old he escapes and runs off. Every Single Time.

zoe146 · 11/07/2015 21:32

I think it's one of those 'I don't care what goes on in so and so's house, this is what happens in ours' type things that mum always said as a kid.
OP is finding it difficult, so she isn't BU to expect her DH to include her in his volunteering decision. What if it was working away? Would she be BU then?
Talk to your hubby OP, the lying is unacceptable

blacktreaclecat · 11/07/2015 21:47

I'm not sure why you are baffled? DS is lovely but a typical stroppy wiggly toddler and by the end of the day I'm tired, he is tired and I prefer help when doing bath and bedtime. When DH gets home I like to hand DS over for half an hour, have a soak in the bath with a glass of wine. Then DS joins me in the bath and DH and I share bedtime. I do stories and teeth and he does PJs etc.
If I have to I can do it but I'd rather not. I wouldn't agree to do it 3 nights running but will for one night if DH is away with work and my Dad isn't available for moral support.
I'm not offended though, I admit I'm not the most maternal type! DS doesn't seem to mind though, he is very mummy centric :) I've just left his room after sitting with him while he went off to sleep. Alone this can mean no break until 8.30-9 some nights!
The point I was making was that the OP is being reasonable imo- she's said she wouldn't have agreed to a second child if her DH wasn't there to help out a lot, to me that means being around not sugaring off for 3 days! A day/ night would be reasonable.

hearthattack · 11/07/2015 21:51

What other people can and can't cope with is kind of irrelevant here OP. What is relevant is that you agreed together to do one thing, and he has taken it upon himself to change that arrangement and not involve you in the decision.

Something you may well enjoy if you chose to do it of your own volition can become a massive burden as soon as you feel you have no choice in the matter. Particularly if your lack of choice is due to someone else knowingly riding rough-shod over your expressed needs or concerns.

Point out that you can discuss him volunteering or not, and how you will cope with the children in whatever situation, but that him deciding how your family will operate on his own, without consulting you, is not on.

And if you're finding it really hard, try to ignore all the clever clogs on here who apparently find it a breeze. Good for them. Makes no odds to you.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 11/07/2015 21:55

If a woman had come on here and said her DH begrudged her persuing this sort of thing her DH would be verbally skinned alive.

Double standards abound.

HoldYerWhist · 11/07/2015 22:04

You get your dad to come and help with bed time??

Sorry, I'm being rude but...I'm just...surprised.

BettyCrockersBitch · 11/07/2015 22:14

3 days out of the month is not a lot in my view. YABU.

kickassangel · 11/07/2015 22:18

OP - if you're still reading - have you been to the doctor and spoken to them? There are a number of things that could be making it harder for you to cope, and there could be a reason why.

Everyone says that they're tired all the time etc. so I ignored physical symptoms for 8 years before being diagnosed with a medical condition that would have killed me if I hadn't got help within the next couple of months.

It does sound like you should be able to cope with your daily life, but you're not. There are a number of things that could cause this - PND, low iron levels, thyroid problems - and many of those things don't have any obvious signs, except tiredness and feeling unable to cope.

Check out your health, see if there's a reason you are finding it so tough. Also think about getting yourself a break. Do you want to work, have some time outside the house? Have a hobby? Just get out and go for a walk? You might find that changes in your life are the answer, rather than your DH not getting to live his life.

butterfly133 · 11/07/2015 22:27

Maybe you should take a break because you are exhausted. Are you breast feeding? If you are, then how about agreeing that he stick around to help till you've finished with that, then take it in turns to have breaks away.

Don't be put off coming back to the thread by people saying it's easy, you're the one living your life and you know what that is like, others don't.

BasinHaircut · 11/07/2015 22:36

If neither of you are working then there is no reason for you to be even slightly tired normally.

With 2 small children? I'm sorry but that is just ridiculous.

eggyface · 11/07/2015 22:37

all the people saying you should be getting more sleep, why aren't you? Why don't you
put both babies in the buggy and go for a walk? Have clearly not had reflux babies. At 4 months it is pretty much a living nightmare if the reflux is bad. I appreciate the OP'S DH is around a lot but if baby #2 is only sleeping in 45 min bursts (quite normal for bad reflux) it's one person's job even without the toddler.

I don't know if YABU or not to be honest - only you know if you genuinely could cope but would rather not, or are on beam ends. Either way I think you both prob won't get much time off in the next 6 months so will each have to suck it up.

Sleepyhoglet · 11/07/2015 22:40

Yanbu and I'm shocked at people who are saying you are.

Fair enough he can do things in the day time sometimes but this hobby is taking him away for 72hoirs without a break for you.

He hasn't really listened to you or discussed it.

vaticancameos · 11/07/2015 22:54

Yabu. Completely. And I expect he lied to you because he knew you wouldn't let him do it. Probably without much compromise.

Oldraver · 11/07/2015 22:58

Eggy..OP's DH isnt 'around a lot' he is at home fulltime..With two parents at home fulltime no parent should be tired and yes I say this a a single parent who had a Refluxet baby

OrangeVase · 12/07/2015 00:02

YABU - don't try to control him. Most people have to work. My Dp was only home every second weekend when I was at the stage you are at. Yes it was hard but most people have to work.

Let him be himself. Then, when the time is right do something for yourself - work, ( you said it was a break you were on), or a hobby.

Healthier all round

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