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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed by this?

81 replies

huhpuh · 11/07/2015 19:25

First AIBU, please be gentle...

DH and I have two children, 2 years old and 4 months. We used to live in London and have now moved into the country, about 4 hours away. DH is retired and I'm on a career break to be a SAHM.

Before we moved and had children, DH did a voluntary role once a month for 3 days. It's worthy but also a bit macho. He really enjoys it. He carried on doing the role once we'd moved away and had DD1. It meant him being away for 3 days in a row every four weeks. He had to stop last November when my pregnancy SPD got really bad and I couldn't manage DD1 on my own and he hasn't restarted as DD2 is only 4 months, colicky, refluxy and a bad sleeper. And did I mention we also have a two year old?!

Anyway, he keeps mentioning about restarting this role. In principle, I am ok with this at some point, but having the two children for 3 whole days at this point seems a big ask. He went away for 3 days a week or so ago and by the time he got back, I was on my knees. I am finding having two children about four times harder than having one! I'm talking tired, tearful and overwhelmed.

Now, he's just told me that this charity want him back in September. That really doesn't sound like their style so I checked his emails - they're all on my iPad. He's volunteered September, without so much as a discussion with me. Not to drip feed, he also has a hobby that takes him away for a day a week and various courses associated with that hobby. He also bangs on about how he doesn't do this hobby as much as he wants.

I'm angry that he hasn't had the manners to discuss the re-start with me. but then I really shouldn't have looked at his emails. It just feels to me like his life hasn't altered one bit having kids and I'm stuck at home cleaning up the sick and shit while he gets to have a life. I am very tired though and accept that perspective may be lacking.

Views?

OP posts:

Original poster

huhpuh · 11/07/2015 20:00

Thanks for the views. It is the lying that's the crux. Plus, when he was away, upon his return it was all "I hated being away" and now he's keen to be off again!
I guess what will happen is that he'll go and do his shifts in September and we'll see how it goes. I can always ask him to cancel the following month's if I'm still averaging 3 hours sleep. Like Hubnut says, we probably will be more settled in 3 months time. It's just I'm feeling annoyed that this has been foisted on me without any discussion. And now, when I'm tired.

OP posts:

DementedSwan · 11/07/2015 20:03

How on earth would you cope with being a sahp when your partner works full time and travels?!

Count yourself lucky you only have 3 days on your own....

SingingSamosa · 11/07/2015 20:03

What I do think is unreasonable are all the people coming on here and telling you that you are BU because you can't cope with two young children when they manage to do it with no issues at all. Just because some people manage to single-handedly raise an enormous family all on their own, it doesn't mean that everyone can.

It's a bit like all those mothers who scoff at women who have epidurals or other pain-relief during labour. They gloat about how they managed labour with just some whale wailing and a sniff of clary sage. Well yay for you, 'super' women. But we're not talking about you and how fabulous you are, we're talking about the OP who is clearly not having a good time with her two young children.

MehsMum · 11/07/2015 20:04

I'd be really pissed off about the lying, but otherwise, I think YABU.

Dealing single-handed with two small DC is not the end of the world. I used to do every week day morning and some weekday evenings on my own when my DC were little: it was knackering but manageable.

But as I said, the lying would annoy me. I'd be after a full day to myself to do whatever I wanted, or three days to pursue my own charitable interests.

Piratespoo · 11/07/2015 20:06

If he is retired, how old are you? Are you 50 or something, hence why you find it so tiring? If not, I think you are making a mountain out of a molehill. Does he share care the other days he is home? Just make sure you get some free time too. Everyone needs that.

RinkRashDerbyKisses · 11/07/2015 20:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

atthelake · 11/07/2015 20:09

I think yabu as well sorry.

Chunkymonkey79 · 11/07/2015 20:15

Yabu, hugely.

He is entitled to a life outside of the home and being a parent, as you are too. There's no stopping you having plenty time for yourself if he is retired, he is essentially a SAHP too.

Two weeks is the most time that most mothers get before their partner is hauled back in to work. Some don't even get that. Do you not see how lucky you are to have him home so much? 3 days a month is nothing.

cleanmyhouse · 11/07/2015 20:15

YANBU to be exhausted. Young kids are exhausting no matter what your situation is. YANBU to be annoyed that he has lied. YABU to not want him to go away 3 days a month and do a hobby more than once a week.
Can you find a way of working it out so that he does the nights and/or early starts amd bedtimes and baths before he goes so you're a bit more well rested while he's away?
I had 2 kids 18 months apart and my partner used to be away for work about 48 hours at a time. It was exhausting, but as long we shared the nights when he was home, it was managable.
It does get easier. You will start getting more sleep.

Everyone else is BU for giving you such a hard time. It's like saying "in my day we had to walk 50 miles barefoot to school"

atthelake · 11/07/2015 20:16

To be fair I can sort of understand why op might struggle without her DH if she's used to having him there.

Its a bit like threads where older mums have younger ones saying 'oh I can't IMAGINE having a newborn at 42!'

wheresthelight · 11/07/2015 20:21

Apologies my phone decided to post before I had finished typing!

Being alone with kids who are hard work is hard when you aren't used to it but people do it everyday and demanding he gives up something he enjoys is quite selfish on your part.

If the op was saying her dp was asking her to give up a hobby everyone would be telling her to ltb

The lying is what would piss me off. However I guess it depends on the reasons. If he felt you would be more ok with it if they had told him they needed him back rather than him wanting to go back then I can kind of understand why he lied.

saturnvista · 11/07/2015 20:27

In a sense, no one can truly tell you if YABU because children can be so different and women's energy levels differ vastly. What is a doddle in one set of circumstances may be sheer hell in another - and the women who are lucky enough to have the doddle experience will put it down to them being such good copers and tell you YABU. Likewise, women who really want to be able to leave the kids for certain amounts of time and like to earn the ability to do that by providing cover for their husbands seem to see a certain morality superiority in having such a free, equal relationship. If your experience is anything like mine, it will be tantamount to impossible to survive three days of two children alone without losing the will to live, and walking off for the same length of time is not something you have the energy or inclination to do. This kind of thread seems to excite the same judgey condemnation as the 'how much do you spend on your weekly shop' ones. So I suggest you don't take the responses too seriously. No one, but no one, can say with certainty that it is always reasonable to expect a mother to cope alone with very two young children for three days simply so her husband can enjoy a hobby. No one.

Betty2012 · 11/07/2015 20:43

Does your 2 year old still have naps op? and what is your littlest ones nap routine like? My partner works away for two weeks at a time and works weekends when he is back home for two weeks and I work part time (have a three year old and six month old) and I find that the best way to get things done is when my baby is napping or when my eldest has gone to bed. I think your partner is bu for lying but he does need to have activities to himself, as long as he allows you to do the same. I do sympathise though, it's exhausting looking after two kids on your own.

cedricsneer · 11/07/2015 20:48

I wonder if you have some pnd if you find this idea so utterly overwhelming? It really would be manageable for most people, so your fear of coping seems disproportionate.

If you feel that this isn't the case then yabvu. I volunteer for a couple of charities and they really rely on us to be reliable and treat it like any other commitment. If one of our volunteers didn't return after 7 months it would be a big blow. Plus he enjoys it. So he really should be allowed to continue that commitment.

Fwiw to those who think that some are being harsh on here, lots of people find it hard to empathise with an op who presents what most people would see as a totally manageable situation as something extreme. It would be easier if she had acknowledged that its not an unusual situation being asked to look after a 2 year old and a 7 month old for 3 nights, but that she is finding the idea hard. Otherwise it is a bit of a piss take to all the single parents and people whose partners work shifts.

formerbabe · 11/07/2015 20:49

What is a doddle in one set of circumstances may be sheer hell in another - and the women who are lucky enough to have the doddle experience will put it down to them being such good copers and tell you YABU.

No one is saying its a doddle as such, just that many women have no choice. Looking after 2 children is not an uncommon experience. I found having a baby and a toddler completely exhausting. It was a very tough time but I had no choice. The op only needs to cope with 3 days a month by herself.

Pancakeflipper · 11/07/2015 20:49

Did he lie cos' he knew your reaction wouldn't be a positive one?

If so then you need to discuss this otherwise he'll tell other lies when he thinks it's something you won't like just so he can have an easier life.

YABU to not let him do something productive with his retirement.

I am another of those who works p/time has 2 children and a partner who works away several days a week and a hobby that takes him away. It was bloody hard when the children were little but you can also claim time out for yourself too.

Inertia · 11/07/2015 20:53

The lying would annoy me.

CycleChic · 11/07/2015 20:54

Don't bathe the baby over the 3 days he's gone.

PtolemysNeedle · 11/07/2015 20:55

YABU.

It's difficult looking after two very young children, but it's not that hard. Especially as you know it's so temporary.

OrianaBanana · 11/07/2015 21:00

Are you bfing? Could you go away for a day or two while he was home? It would let him see what you're dealing with, and give you some much-needed rest.

DementedSwan · 11/07/2015 21:04

I'm the one that said a toddler and smal baby is a doddle sorry but that was just my experience.

However they are now just turned 5 and nearly 4 and I would love to have my husband at home to share the workload all the time. 3 days is nothing. He works away through the week.

Tbh I envy your situation. How about you go away 3 days a month too?

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 11/07/2015 21:06

Maybe it is because two of you both lookafter the kids full time that it seems daunting that for 10 percent of your time (10!!) he wouldnt be there.

Seriously OP. Unless you are about to do a madsive drip feed it does not take two adults to look after two kids all day every day.

I have a 3.5yo and an 8mo so Im not just saying it.

DementedSwan · 11/07/2015 21:06

Bath them together? Bf baby while reading to toddler?

bobajob · 11/07/2015 21:07

3 days a month isn't unreasonable.

Can't he do some nights before or after he's away so you can recuperate?

PurpleSwift · 11/07/2015 21:10

I personally don't think YABU at all. I think some people here think yabu based on the fact they would cope, which is unfair. You are struggling and you don't have to be. I don't think it's fair to go away for 3 days if you're finding it so hard. Can you compromise on the length?
Can you take some time off?

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