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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why my mother is so racist?

129 replies

Petridish · 09/07/2015 20:26

To summarise:-

"A touch of the tar brush there"

"He was coffee coloured"

"A bit tinted"

"It would be awful if someone in the Royal Family married a black"

I could go on... She also disapproves of "Muslims" coming to the UK and leeching of the benefit system.

The irony is that she is very PC about discrimination against those with disabilities - mainly because my late sister was disabled.

OP posts:
VolumniaDedlock · 09/07/2015 21:59

urgh, my sister is horrific about "asylum seekers" and "those east europeans".

she lives in about the least diverse part of the UK, in a village where everyone is silver-haired and and can trace their roots to the doomsday book, but the silly cow swallows whole all the nonsense spewed out by Farage and the Daily Mail. she's only 10 years older than me so in her case it's a twat thing rather than a generational thing.

geekymommy · 09/07/2015 22:00

If the situation for black people in the UK was like it was in the US, they could vote in theory but not necessarily in practice. There were biased "literacy tests" where your performance could be assessed quite differently depending on the colour of your skin. And there was harassment from groups like the Ku Klux Klan. This was illegal, but was unlikely to be prosecuted. In reality, no matter what the laws might have said, it was difficult and dangerous to vote if you were a black person in some parts of the U.S. before the 1960's.

PhoebeMcPeePee · 09/07/2015 22:02

Doobie your description of not getting the 'otherness' thing is spot on for me too - my MIL also talks like that and just can't understand why it annoys me so bloody much. Actually my mum holds similar views but just isn't so vocal probably because she knows I will say something.

gloominousdoom · 09/07/2015 22:04

I agree with the generational aspect of language. My Nan (born in 1915) always referred to black people as 'darkies' which scandalised me as a teenager - it was only recently that I learned she had several close friends who were black, so in reality she was just using the common term of her youth and didn't see anything wrong in that - it's just that no-one corrected her because "she was old and its a generational thing".

My Dad, who is in his 60s, is still confused as to whether or not he should say 'coloured' or 'black' and there's not a racist bone in his body. Similarly, I'm not sure if I should still be saying 'black'. I wonder if my grandkids will think I'm racist too?

(DS, who is nearly two, pointed to a guy on the bus a few weeks ago and bellowed 'chocolate man!' at the top of his lungs. Unfortunately, the ground did not open up and swallow me.)

MessedUpWheelieBin · 09/07/2015 22:16

*Old people using out dated language like 'coloured' is generational. Old people being prejudiced and offensive about black or Asian people is racism.

This *

Fil served side by side with soldiers of different races in WW2, and he and his mate who was black made it out disabled but alive, through looking out for each other. The rest died together. He didn't have a racist bone in his body, but had never considered what might be behind some of his mates nicknames.

Mil held very different views and thought her comments and attitudes funny and something she was 'entitled' to when FIL wasn't around as she saw skin colour as making her superior.

drudgetrudy · 09/07/2015 22:31

I agree. IMO use of outdated language isn't really racist. Its an attitude that some people are superior to others depending on their racial background that is racist. Its easy to spot the difference when you know someone.

Some older people may be labelled racist because "coloured" sounds more polite than "black" to their ears.
Its usually obvious when someone is being patronising or showing prejudice.

MrsDeVere · 09/07/2015 22:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsDeVere · 09/07/2015 22:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mrscee · 09/07/2015 22:51

My mum is similar. Sometimes I think she says some of the racist stuff to annoy me. My mil is always going about immigrants and she voted uk ip despite being an immigrant herself from Hungary in the 19 50 ' s she somehow thinks that's diferent

Luckyluc · 09/07/2015 22:59

Some people think it's okay to attatck other groups as long as it's not their group being attacked.
Your mum wouldn't like it if someone made negative comments about her age, which is something she cannot change or choose.
She wouldn't like it if someone made negative comments about your sister for her disability, something she cannot change or choose.
Black people or someone of any race cannot change or didn't choose to be their race.
Maybe explain it to her like this?
It worked for me with a homophobic friend.

DoraGora · 09/07/2015 23:01

I think that being tribal or putting the family first is quite natural. And, racism in the UK has only gotten better since the Race Relations Act was passed in 1965. Racism used to be perfectly acceptable. (Incidentally, Farage wants to scrap it.) There is an assumption, I think a quite reasonable one, that if different communities in a largely heterogeneous society openly display hatreds of one another, it will be bad for society as a whole.

The individual, who after being told that their racism is unacceptable, continues to display it calculates that, although it causes offence, the offended people aren't prepared to do anything about it. And, in that case, the racist might be correct.

Kampeki · 09/07/2015 23:26

My parents are both in their seventies. They weren't racist when they were younger and they aren't racist now. Likewise for relatives in their eighties!

I think it's just making excuses to say it's a generational thing. And it's insulting to older people who are not racist.

maggieryan · 09/07/2015 23:26

Mil who I love to bits is racist. When I was having my baby in local hospital I was attended by a black doctor. She said to his face "are you a real doctor"...most embarrassing situation ever. He smiled and said yes. She said to me in a loud voice smiling away "most of them in here are cleaners..fair play to him for being so clever".
She actually was paying him a complement in her mind. I couldn't tell anyone the rest of the mad things she has said. I also think its a generation thing. She's 83 and lived in Ireland all her life. She maintains the only black person in Ireland for a long time was Phil lynott!

Greydog · 09/07/2015 23:46

Geeky - there was a TV programme on a few weeks back about soldiers in WW2 who had come from the West Indies - and when white US soldiers came into their local pub they asked why the n/words were drinking there? There was - as one gentleman said "an altercation" . They and the other regulars in the pub, black and white - did not take kindly to the remarks made by other countries soldiers. In fact, I think the US Army made a film to explain to their men that things were different here

Original poster
Petridish · 10/07/2015 03:56

My mum is 68.

OP posts:
spatchcock · 10/07/2015 04:14

My in laws are horribly racist. Asylum seekers are all out to take our benefits and they get given council houses and picked first for jobs. Which is odd because they all want benefits?

I don't agree it's generational BUT in the case of my ILs they have seen many changes during their lifetime and they find it a bit frightening. I get very angry though and challenge it every time but I might as well talk to a wall.

kickassangel · 10/07/2015 05:19

It isn't just generational. My sister has made some comments which make me Wink and Angry.

I don't have a whole load to do with my family.

TattieHowkerz · 10/07/2015 06:27

Agree it is not a generational,thing, it is a racist thing.

My parents and aunt are in their 70s and would never dream of saying these things, or acting in a racist way.

My Nana would be about 100 now if she was still with us. She would sometimes use words like "coloured", or comment positively on her Asian neighbour's "lovely exotic" looks and clothes. That was a generational thing, with no malice.

Icimoi · 10/07/2015 06:47

You only have to look at the membership of EDL and Britain First to see that this isn't a generational thing.

DoraGora · 10/07/2015 07:02

The modern leaders of the Extremist Right movements, Griffin, Robinson et al. do try to put on airs of being law abiding citizens, at least in public. Getting arrested for obstructing the police is, presumably, a mistake on their part.

Political racism needs to change in response to the law, unless its exponents want to spend time in jail. This is one of the reasons Farage wants to scrap the laws, so that arseholes can be free to express hateful opinions in public and engage in all the disgusting acts which go along with that.

CornChips · 10/07/2015 07:13

I think it is a good point about language is generational, but racism is not. My parents are not racist, they are early 70s. My PILs were born in the 20s and 30s respectively... they are not racist either. But, yes would use the term 'coloured'.

(Don't get them started on trade unions though. ;) )

But, no thankfully no racists there.

FrancesNiadova · 10/07/2015 07:35

My Gran was very racist, having been born & brought up in India & having Indian servants. My Dad, her son, is also very racist; he tends to parrot the types of things that she used to say. Sad
I'd always hoped that it was generational, but sadly it's not.
What I can't understand though, is why a racist, knuckle-tattooed, shaven-headed, thick as pig sh!t example of a white male thinks that he's some sort of species standard & superior to anyone!

ShadyMyLady · 10/07/2015 08:05

My nan and grandad took an orphaned black child in to their house in the 50s/60s which was unheard of and were then subjected to name calling in the street.

My grandad was shocked though when age 18 I told him I was pregnant... with a mixed race baby. He loved her to pieces and he sadly passed away when she was 2.

I do remember though when I was pregnant with DC1, I was at my dads and we were going through a pack of photos. At the end was one of those advert/insert sheets and there was a photo of a mixed race child and my dad piped up with 'who's that, there's certainly no black people in my family' and laughed. He said it in a real nasty, racist way. My step mum went ape shit at him. He did apologise after but I've never forgotten what he said.

I don't think racism is something that will ever disappear unfortunately, it's something I dread having to talk to my DC about as they get older.

DoraGora · 10/07/2015 08:38

I don't fear teaching my children about it. I'm simply going to explain to them that it's a form of tribalism and that tribalism is natural. The problem is that, while the tribe is a natural group, a race is an entirely artificial one. I'll then go on to explain that, in a modern interdependent world, tribalism is a hindrance, rather than a help.

Educationally, I think racism and the problems that it causes are both quite helpful, actually.

Sickoffrozen · 10/07/2015 08:54

There is something in the age thing. My grandad was openly racist, my mum a bit less so but still an undercurrent. Having said that many of my DP's friends are too although it is all targeted at Muslims (which of course is not a good thing!) I'm not sure if it is more widespread in towns where people have grown up without experiencing the multicultural blend of larger cities.