To Just Want To Starve Myself And Be Done With It

[ScarySpiceMum]

5''7 - 73 KG

I Hate the stretch marks - which are EVERYWHERE. Arms. Hips. Back of legs. Inner thighs. Breasts. Huge, thick, dark, deep stretch marks.
I Hate the stomach
I Hate the saggy tits from yoyo dieting
I Hate the love handles
I Hate the face which hasn't seen it's cheekbones in 5 years
I Hate myself for doing this to myself
I Hate my inability to know when to stop
I Hate that I have done 1000000 hours of research, know what to eat and how to take care of myself, but still do this.
I Hate that 1 month of working out and eating clean can get the weight off - but I never last for more than 2 days
I Hate that the highlight of my day is eating
I Hate that I spend disgusting amounts of money on food
I Hate that there are real problems in my life and the world - yet I've become a shallow, hollow, food obsessed loser, who cant shift 20 pounds
I Hate that I hide at work and eat - sometimes 3 krispy creams, a full lunch from the canteen and other shit I shouldn't have
I Hate that I've lost it all before, closed my eyes and it was back on
I Hate that there are people starving, and that I abuse food.

I feel like taking 2 weeks of work, emptying my kitchen down to 2 boxes of special K, water and soya milk in case i feel faint, and bloody starving myself.

I'm so tired.

This has been going on for 4 years and all Ii've needed in that time is 4 weeks of dedication. a month for christs sakes. Exercise and eat clean for 4 weeks. My goal is to lose 4 pounds a week, build up strength, flexibility and stamina. I also want to not care about eating so much.
Remember the days when we eat when we were hungry and got on with our day?

Sorry you are feeling so bad about yourself. Agree with all those saying that it doesn't sound like a weight problem at all and is much more to do with how awful you are feeling about yourself.

Is there anyone you can talk to about how you feel in real life? Mum, sister, friends, partner? You need to be able to talk about it with someone. I do second the idea of getting some psychotherapy. I think you would find it life-transforming with the right therapist.

i felt the same way about my body and the only thing that enabled me to move on was precisely what you said at the end of your post 'i'm so tired'. i was just so tired of constantly watching what i ate, thinking about what i'd eaten, what i was going to eat, how much i hated my body and myself. it is exhausting. but i had to acknowledge that it was doing something for me - that's why i carried on doing it. it had become who i was and i didn't know who i would be if i didn't loathe myself and see food and fatness as my entire reason for being. if i didn't hate myself, how would i ever lose weight?! how could i motivate myself not to eat if i didn't hate myself?!

i refused to participate in destroying myself any longer. and it was hellishly difficult. i had to decide every day, several times a day, that i wasn't going to do that to myself any more. at first, i failed most of the time. i still fail now but i win more than i lose. it came down to this for me: i feel like shit, i don't want to feel like shit, it's time to stop.

find some help - it's is tough battle but it's not as awful as how you feel now and you can feel better. you can actually like yourself, eat a donut and not be filled with self-loathing. the fact that you posted makes me think that maybe it's time for you to stop; that you're ready.

I'd recommend trying no sugar too. Have a read about it - explains how sugar messes up your appetite and sets you up to fail.
I have had a stone & a half to lose for the last 4years, some days I ended up eating an 8 pack of Wagon Wheels, 4 chocolate bars including one for breakfast etc. I definately had some kind of addiction issue.
I stopped sugar about 4 weeks ago, and I've already lost about 10lbs, but even better I actually enjoy going to the gym, swimming and feel motivated and energetic. I can feel/see my body changing and its great after so long feeling like a blob!

To start with I had massive cravings for cake which is wierd cos I never really ate it before, think its the carb/sugar combination. But because you can eat as much as you want of anything else, nuts, crisps, mini pork pies you don't get hungry. I pretty much stuffed myself until I got through the first week or so when the cravings stopped.

You start to notice non-sugary foods taste sweeter because your taste adjusts.
It's definately worth looking into.

Give it three days without sugar. It's really hard to start with, but it's a cycle that makes you feel like you do.

I was eating way too much after dc2 for energy during sleep deprivation and I felt awful. I stopped and by the end of the week I felt so much better.

I did low carb, which I think makes it easier.

Don't worry about the pizza, tomorrow is a new day. You are not very overweight, it's more how you feel about yourself and I understand that feeling.

If you break the carb cycle it is so much easier just to eat when you're hungry and no cravings.

I don't think starving yourself for a while will either be doable or a long term solution. I agree with others here, work independently your mind, your behavior will follow.

On*

Erm..4 pounds a week is a lot..really a lot and quite difficult to achieve
You would have to have a deficit of 12,000 calories and you only eat 14,000 in a week
I

Try this book. www.amazon.co.uk/Eating-Less-Say-Goodbye-Overeating/dp/0091902479/ref=asap_bc?ie=UTF8

I went to a course by the author after starting the book (last minute decision) and it's really changed the way I think about food. I've been a compulsive over-eater for years (forever!) and this is the first thing that's really helped me to turn a corner. I've certainly made healthy choices for the last month and see no reason I won't continue to do so.

A word of caution - you need to shift the focus from your weight and how you look to your health and how you feel. It's a subtle but important distinction.

And I second what Marsha said about sugar and, by extension, wheat.

I don't understand kilos but i just put 5ft 6 (my height) and weight (11st4) into the nhs calculator and it said

'
You have a BMI of 25.5. A BMI of 18.5 - 25 is considered healthy

You are overweight. Losing 1st 9lb would put you in the middle of the healthy weight range

Your BMI is above the ideal range and indicates you are overweight. This means you are heavier than is healthy for someone of your height. Excess weight can put you at increased risk of heart disease, stroke and type 2 diabetes.'

Its shocked me - i thought I was just a few pounds off being ok!

OP I really feel for you! I don't think the weight is the issue here.... I am 5" 6 and weigh 58kg which puts my BMI at 21 but have most of the same thoughts daily. I hate my body and always have. I'm never thin enough, all I see in the mirror is fat and I feel grotesque. I know it's silly as I'm a normal weight but try telling that to my overactive brain. The guilt loop never ever stops :-( If I have a "bad" day I feel guilty for days afterwards and exercise excessively. I definitely have disordered relationship with my body image and I've been trying to do "mindful eating". Please Google it, it's been very helpful to me!! xxx

Stitchwitch - thanks for that linkl I've just ordered that book

Hope you're ok op, you've got fantastic advice on this thread

I would second quitting sugar and sweeteners. I follow the Sarah Wilson I quit suga it's really been eye opening for me. Before if there was a packet of biscuits in the house I would have to finish it and I was drinking two or three diet cokes a day. But once you quit sugar you can really taste and enjoy food. You don't have to give up carbs either, just don't eat food with over 4-5g sugar per 100g. Sarah Wilson is good- you start off slowly just trying it out not worrying about it- I found it really easy that way. You may not lose weight at first but long term it becomes easier to control your eating. I'm on hol at the mo and had a slice of cake yesterday, felt a little bad but importantly I stopped after 1 slice, which I wouldn't have before and now am back on the no sugar wagon again!

If your goal is to lose "4 pounds a week" you are setting yourself up to failure. A half pound or pound a week is the usual sustainable amount to lose,

UPDATE AND LIFE HISTORY ....maybe if you know more about me my mentality will make sense.

I went for a jog yesterday! Didn't eat anything particularly healthy (family took me to an american diner place) but I felt bloody good. I also walked/jogged for 2 hours before I went out for brunch so all in all 3 hours of cardio.
I just got changed, created a playlist, put in my head phones and started to run. I'm not very fit and I had to stop several times but I didn't care. I cant wait to get home after work and go for another one. I've booked myself in for yoga, circuits and box fit this week at the gym!

Today I eat a "healthy" lemon and poppy seed muffin and a "skinny" ham and edam cheese toastie (392 calories)

Growing up I wasn't poor but eating out, holidays abroad, a car and the things my middle class peers had was alien to me. My parents worked hard to buy our council house, hire private tutors to compensate for our overcrowded inner city London state primary and secondary schools (35 kids 1 barely competent teacher ) and I played violin up to grade 8. But for some reason – and don’t laugh / cringe – the little things like food and loads of clothes always were at the forefront of my “want list”
To be fair my weight problem started as soon as I turned 19 and started bringing in decent money. I’d treat myself to all the things my parents had said “that’s too expensive” about. My mother hated her body and was always overweight, blaming it on having children. She would constantly make comments when I was growing up (bear in mind I was nothing larger than a size 8 until the age of 19) It got to the point of where I would hide and eat if I fancied a snack, because I didn’t want my mother making comments like “be careful of the amount you’re eating” or “don’t take too much and be greedy” or “do you know how much that cost? Put some back” or “why are you eating without asking me ” (The asking was mainly when I was little which is fair enough)

However it haunted me, and the second I was able to eat guilt free with my new found financial and social independence I over indulged. My first boyfriend also mocked me for being “too skinny” . I never noticed the weight gain until a few people mentioned it. I went from an 8 to a 16 over one summer. I’m not joking. The day my family took me to uni they confronted me and laughed as I cried. I had just on the pill and to this day I know that didn’t make it better.
Anyway now I’m in Uni, a size 16-18. I got a gym membership and put off losing weight for a few months, then my boyfriend moved back down to London and I literally started my yoyo diet addiction. One week I’d eat clean and go to the gym about 3 times, the next week I’d binge on pasta and do fuck all. I think that year I went to 4 lectures. I’m not joking.
I came home a bit smaller and people did comment on my weight loss. I spent the summer not being particularly healthy, my mum was my biggest critique but couldn’t make a salad if her life depended on it. She would scream to everyone in the house when we commented that we don’t need to fry everything that it’s okay because she “drains the oil out”. poor thing

I went back to uni in a studio by myself and worked out every single day intensely with a protein and no carb diet. I literally ate chicken, veg and special k everyday. Some days nothing. Add in constantly breaking up with my piece of shit boyfriend and I got back down to a decent weight. I wasn’t there. Since then its been a +5 kg or – 5kg fluctuation of yoyo dieting.
But no more. No bloody more. No more starving myself. No more weird diets. No more being lazy. No more putting off the gym. No more being delusional. No more wanting something but refusing to put the work in. No more spending up to £400 a month on takeaway because I hide and eat alone at home and at work. No more!!!!!!!

I’m not saying I’ll never eat my favorite Chinese again, or that I’ll never have a Krispy Kreme. But no more eating for sport. No more ordering 3 things off the menu when the burger alone would fill me up. No more unrealistic goals which depress me so I give up before I’ve begun.
2 hours of exercise everyday on a healthy diet. I feel confident in the exercise! It’s battling my demons with food, greed and overall consumption

RedDaisyRed There are 3000 cals in a pound.
A one hour run burns 500 cals.
If you run for 2 hours a day you burn 1000 cals
The body already burns on average 1500 cals a day with us just moving about etc
If i stick to a healthy calorie controlled diet of for example a bowl of special k for breakfast, a fruit salad for lunch and vegetable brown pasta for dinner (1000 cals) I will be losing half a pound a day.
The amount we need to eat is vastly misunderstood. I may be overwieght but I know when I'm just being greedy. loads of water and a 1000 cal diet will do me just fine, I doubt I'll get hungry but if i do i'll have something healthy

I got stretch marks on my stomach from yoyo dieting. The best thing I did was arnica in the morning and then hydrogen peroxide on the evening. I can barely even see them now (I did do that when they were red and not white though)

How did you use arnica and hydrogen peroxide to help honeysuckle?

I worry that even if you get to 60kg you are still going to be unhappy with your body . I am guessing that you are fortunate enough to have been born with two of the correct things , that your body actually works in a normal fashion ?
Rather than looking at the bad things , are there any parts that you do like ? are you blessed with gorgeous pixie ears and a delightful little snub nose ? or perhaps full rosebud lips ? Are your eyes a pretty colour , do you have lovely apple cheeks ? Do you have nice hands and fingers , or nice feet that look good in shoes ? Is your hair great , a fab colour , thickness etc .
What do your friends think of you and what you look like , get honest opinions and work only on the things they say you could improve , I bet there are only a couple of things you need to look at .

Good luck , from a pant lassooing fatty

OP, with respect, you are not going to be running for 2hrs per day on 1000cals. I am really quite fit and can now run for just about 2hrs but it is a. Not easy and absolutely not something you should jump into because you will injure yourself, b. Not possible on a calorie intake like that - your body needs fuel both to run and recover, and that diet is full or carbs and no protein which your muscles would need and c. I would not advise anyone to run 2hrs a day, every day, because that is called overtraining and will lead to injury.

You are setting yourself up for disappointment with that plan - you need to look at an achievable exercise plan, maybe 20-30k total per week, depending on your level of fitness with some strength training thrown in, in combination with a protein heavy diet if you do plan on training a lot.