To Just Want To Starve Myself And Be Done With It

[ScarySpiceMum]

5''7 - 73 KG

I Hate the stretch marks - which are EVERYWHERE. Arms. Hips. Back of legs. Inner thighs. Breasts. Huge, thick, dark, deep stretch marks.
I Hate the stomach
I Hate the saggy tits from yoyo dieting
I Hate the love handles
I Hate the face which hasn't seen it's cheekbones in 5 years
I Hate myself for doing this to myself
I Hate my inability to know when to stop
I Hate that I have done 1000000 hours of research, know what to eat and how to take care of myself, but still do this.
I Hate that 1 month of working out and eating clean can get the weight off - but I never last for more than 2 days
I Hate that the highlight of my day is eating
I Hate that I spend disgusting amounts of money on food
I Hate that there are real problems in my life and the world - yet I've become a shallow, hollow, food obsessed loser, who cant shift 20 pounds
I Hate that I hide at work and eat - sometimes 3 krispy creams, a full lunch from the canteen and other shit I shouldn't have
I Hate that I've lost it all before, closed my eyes and it was back on
I Hate that there are people starving, and that I abuse food.

I feel like taking 2 weeks of work, emptying my kitchen down to 2 boxes of special K, water and soya milk in case i feel faint, and bloody starving myself.

I'm so tired.

Dowser Please don't laugh but I have been binging on Krispy Cremes / sweet things in general lately. I find myself so much more depressed. I really really crave it. Like.....really crave it. I agree, I need to give up sugar. I can't imagine not having it though. Things must taste so....bland. Am I crazy? What's it really like? I tried to eat Special K without sugar a few months back and it was horrid. Don't get me started on tea without sugar.

I am on holdiay next week but we could have a support thread if you like as I am determined to tackle my eating when I get home!
????

Has your mood always been so linked with your weight?

lunalelle I know women arent perfect,I know most women have fat on them, i know bodies arent perfect. I think many bigger women are beautiful. I was speaking about a colleague in another post who is big and she is so striking !!! It's about me.

......with all due respect it's isn't always about how you look!
I look ok. I can look better if I make an effort with make up etc.
By I feel awful. My clothes are tight and uncomfortable. I am aware I need bigger sizes than a year ago. I find it hard to find clothes that flatter me.
My bmi is 25 so still ok But I feel and look fat.

Ps: I was 90 kilos a few months ago and like you, yo yo dieted. The change for me was NOT starving myself. That just made me think about eating constantly! I go for a walk every day, now. Do some physical activity. I have one bar of chocolate, not three! Smaller portions - not eating until I can't eat any more. It has worked steadily, but slowly. Have patience, and try to alter your daily habits without stopping eating nice things.

Ignore plarail, anyone who relies on moronic acronyms as a responsive to mild criticism ought to be immediately discounted. It's really dickish to call someone struggling with body issues fat, especially when they're not.

Anyway, OP I know where you're coming from, believe me I do. I have 20y of disordered eating behind me and I have had those days (so many of them) where I look at the mirror and want to rip myself apart. I am now, I think, for the first time in my life, at peace with my body. This is the result of two things: eating well the majority of the time - I find the less access to crap I give myself, the less likely I am to binge. Ergo I don't keep it in the house. Tough but for me it was the only solution. The second in an intensive exercise programme - I work out 6 days a week and am training for a HM. When you work that hard to burn calories, you're less inclined to squander them by eating a KK.

I did years of CBT. Nothing has changed. Maybe it would help you, it's certainly worth a shot. For me change only came when I changed my body, fucked up but true. It is probably much better you seek happiness in other ways, but I know that isn't always possible.

For god's sake don't starve yourself though - you sound to me like someone teetering on the precipice of a serious ED and believe me, you DON'T want to go there - it is a wasted life.

Best of luck and do keep posting.

Baddz That would be great.

Agree with Baddz about how you feel - I personally feel like shit if my BMI goes over 21, though the rest of the world would say I was slim. In an ideal world we'd all love our bodies regardless and non of this superficial shit would matter, but it does, and a lot to some of us.

I could be wrong to but it sounds as if you are focusing your feelings of hatred and disgust about yourself on the outer you i.e. your body because that is something tangible you can actually see and focus on, when you are feeling them about the inner you i.e your sense of self.

Callanetics is brilliant for pulling everything in.

Hello, just wondered if you are getting enough iron in your diet? Lack of iron makes me tired and lethargic and then I turn to sugary badness for a boost. I've been taking a supplement for a few days and feel a bit better and slightly less inclined to reach for the biscuit tin.

your weight is fine.

your mind is not. Please get help for that.

good luck.

Yes Callanetics is great for toning. I am starting that again too! ????

OP, get some mental health help for your attitude to your weight. I understand about wanting to look better. Really, I do. But to have such extreme self-loathing is not healthy or helpful.

Hi everyone

Just got depressed and eat a pizza.

For Fucks Fucks Fucks Fucks FUCKS SAKE

I am the same height as you, a kg or two lighter. Recently gained 2-3 kg and it's making me feel like a disgusting lump. I have not exercised at all for a few months due to a bout of low mood and lack of activity (summer holidays from my pg uni course).

Got up and did some brief interval runs up hill today and feel so much better for it. I think exercise is key, not in the way people think (burning calories), but getting you in the mindset and giving you feelings of achievement (however modest the activity). Walking nearly daily is good enough mostly (skipping bus or car), IME, so no special effort or gym membership needed.

I know exactly how you feel. I suffer from intermittent bulimia and have a looong (over 20 year) history in eating disorders from anorexia to BED. CBT didn't work for me, neither has any other intervention. I just trynot to have trigger foods at home. Still, it's hard when you have got a family and need to give a healthy example. I sympathise. The fatness is in my brain and I wish I was as able to rationalise it as everything else.

Please ask help from your gp -lots of people have found, peer support groups cbt and ADs useful.. maybe give them a try?

Try not to feel bad about the pizza. Think if it as a boost to your metabolism and start on a blank sheet tomorrow. Seriously starving myself never served to do anything else than slow my metabolism to a halt, so I do not recommend it, especially since like me, you are only "fat" in your brain.

Just come back to this. I didn't mean to imply that you are a drama queen in any way OP. This is a horrible way to feel and it is spoiling your life. All your other achievements are being undermined by this focus on your weight (which is very similar to a lot of other people's). For some reason it has got totally out of perspective which is why I thought of CBT.
As someone said above-your weight is okay, your mind is not.

Take no notice of plarail-I suspect she is being deliberately unpleasant.

Even if you were a little overweight it would not render you a failure.

Scary have you ever been on anti-depressants? I only ask because I am and have been for a long time, but I used to self-medicate with food (Still do to an extent). All those simple carbs, the doughnuts, the pizza and so on, give you a temporary serotonin hit, which makes you feel good. Of course then comes the sugar crash if it was sugary stuff, or just the disgust with oneself (ooh, I know it well) at feeling you've 'failed' again. Your eating, like mine, sounds like emotion-stuffing, to an extent.
Maybe I should follow up on some counselling too...

Another thing that helped me was taking up a form of exercise that really engaged my brain, which helped me see my body as something that could do things, rather than focusing on what it looks like so much.

No, not being deliberately unpleasant just shocked that well meaning advice can be twisted and make me look like the 'bad guy' on this thread. I did not directly call the OP fat, in fact I called myself fat, which I think I am.

But then I'm 5'4" and 62kg which many on here would say is not fat. But I feel very fat and I have extreme stretch marks after giving birth to a 9.2lb baby. I felt really, really shit about myself. Couldn't understand why lo carb, no carb, starving myself etc wasn't working.

Then I started doing C25k and found a personal trainer who has not only transformed my body but also my outlook. I have been to the bottom and have see the inside of the psychiatric hospital so I thought I might have a few words of good advice for the OP, which is what she is on here asking for.

But I have been vilified and a thread really cussing me out has not been removed because I can handle being told to fuck off. I'm strong and I will just use this as another reason to keep fighting and to reach my body and mind fitness goal.

You can do it too ScarySpiceMum you are at a weight where you will see the difference really quickly and you may start to feel really great about yourself again. I don't think you can separate body health and mind health but then I'm no expert just another mum struggling with her issues.

Op, you would seem to have read enough about nutrition to write your own book! And you have lost the weight before...so its not that you can't.
Is it that you are currently using up your willpower on something else? Or is the weight a symptom of another issue?
It sounds, from your posts like a "dry drunk" even when you are lower in weight you are having to fight to stay that way...and no one has enough willpower to beat the kind of cravings you are talking about every day.
I know you have said you are happy with your life, and then described things in a very current timeframe, but parts of our brain live in the past.
Certainly our "inner censure" the voice that assesses our current activities, is one built upon from childhood, and yours sounds entirely without praise and self love.
Do you have a person who actively comforts you on a day to day basis? If not it may well be something you have to learn to do yourself .
I second, or possibly third, the diary keeping, you write well and eloquently so you may well find it a revelation. I would also suggest looking up "self-soothing" for adults it may help you get through the day happier than doughnuts will.

1. Clearly if someone is so unhappy about being 11 stone or whatever it is then I suspect the solution is not fat acceptance but losing a stone or half a stone for a start by exercising more and changing to a healthy way of eating for life.

1. Just try day by day to get enough sleep, eat well - fill yourself with good nourishing foods and take each day one after the other.

Clearly if someone is so unhappy about being 11 stone or whatever it is then I suspect the solution is not fat acceptance but losing a stone or half a stone for a start by exercising more and changing to a healthy way of eating for life.

Not when the self hatred is so disproportionate, such as the OP is showing. In this case, OP, like others have suggested - you need to work on your mind, and the body will follow. Not the other way around. You will never be able to take care of a body that you hate.

It's not easy, but I've been there.

start by exercising more and changing to a healthy way of eating for life.

This is great advice if you have got into bad habits - it takes around 40 days to break a habit and set a new pattern as the brains default.

Exercise releases endorphines and gives you a "Happy Kick" so habitualised self treaters will find this entierly effective

However - if this is not the problem - then habit changing will not work - because the eating food is not a habitualised problem
hence my reference to "Dry drunk" - If the problem is using food as a way of self comforting, self sabbotaging or self harm saying
"Get out and have a good run" is completly pointless and just setting someone up with a new way to beat themselves up

I'm not having a go RedDaisy..just re-emphasising that
weight can be a symptom - not a cause

Thanks everyone.
I'm very tired.
I'm starting with a jog tomorrow and will not let food rule my life
I'm also looking into what the cause of this is ...although I think I know.