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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Just Want To Starve Myself And Be Done With It

96 replies

ScarySpiceMum · 09/07/2015 12:13

5''7 - 73 KG

I Hate the stretch marks - which are EVERYWHERE. Arms. Hips. Back of legs. Inner thighs. Breasts. Huge, thick, dark, deep stretch marks.
I Hate the stomach
I Hate the saggy tits from yoyo dieting
I Hate the love handles
I Hate the face which hasn't seen it's cheekbones in 5 years
I Hate myself for doing this to myself
I Hate my inability to know when to stop
I Hate that I have done 1000000 hours of research, know what to eat and how to take care of myself, but still do this.
I Hate that 1 month of working out and eating clean can get the weight off - but I never last for more than 2 days
I Hate that the highlight of my day is eating
I Hate that I spend disgusting amounts of money on food
I Hate that there are real problems in my life and the world - yet I've become a shallow, hollow, food obsessed loser, who cant shift 20 pounds
I Hate that I hide at work and eat - sometimes 3 krispy creams, a full lunch from the canteen and other shit I shouldn't have
I Hate that I've lost it all before, closed my eyes and it was back on
I Hate that there are people starving, and that I abuse food.

I feel like taking 2 weeks of work, emptying my kitchen down to 2 boxes of special K, water and soya milk in case i feel faint, and bloody starving myself.

I'm so tired.

OP posts:
drudgetrudy · 09/07/2015 15:05

You sound very unhappy and you are focussing it all on tour weight and appearance-there is much more to life than this.
I would try to find a really good counsellor-possibly with a CBT background to help you work out why this is taking over and spoiling your life.

KinkyAfro · 09/07/2015 15:16

Signora I don't think any very low calorie diets are healthy and yours certainly doesn't sound it, you're seriously under eating and you're not going to be able to maintain that and be healthy.

I'm on WW, I've lost 11 lbs in 3 weeks by eating all my points and weeklies which amounts to 1480 cals per day. And guess what, I eat actual food including carbs, fats and protein. On the same day. On the same plate.

Original poster
ScarySpiceMum · 09/07/2015 15:33

RattleAndRoll It's killing me and I don't know why. I have an amazing job, amazing people around me, I get the odd compliment, and yet I feel like I have this secret obsession with food thats eating me away. I'm obsessed. It's ruining my life and confidence. I don't want to out myself but I get very important things done everyday. Yet I can't control what the fuck I put in my mouth. It drives me insane. Maybe this is more about control than anything else?
I can't even eat lunch around my colleagues any more. I hide. I feel disgusted at myself. I just literally want to have no distractions, take holiday off, stay in bed and starve. It sounds crazy but with no take aways and no food outlets on every corner i feel like I could get it off.

OP posts:
Plarail123 · 09/07/2015 15:37

Find a good gym, get a personal trainer preferably one that knows about MMA training. Get a new obsession. Eat and then work it all out. I was like you, fat with stretch marks and then I found Adrian. And I love myself again. You CAN do it! And have some Flowers!

Original poster
ScarySpiceMum · 09/07/2015 15:39

drudgetrudy I know there is more to life. I just feel so disgusting about my body. It's more so a reminder of my shortcomings. I can talk about Israeli-Palestinian conflict, I can talk about containing ISIS, I can talk about TTIP, I can even talk about Kim Kardashians latest outfit. This is just something personal to me thats eating away, it's scaring me.
I feel like body issues are treated sometimes like teenage problems that fully grown women shouldnt have. I feel like people would treat me like a drama queen if i confided in them. Some of the comments already have that slight undertone. As though I need to get a life and stop being such a vain princess. Just slightly. But that's enough to make a person shut down.
I know I need help

OP posts:
WinterOfOurDiscountTents15 · 09/07/2015 15:42

You need to talk to a dr and get proper help. You arent even overweight, your description of yourself does not match your stats( Im the same height and weight as you, so I know).

You do not need a personal trainer or a gym, you need serious help for your eating disorder and associated issues.

Original poster
ScarySpiceMum · 09/07/2015 15:42

Plarail123 You are the essence of what depresses me pertaining to confiding in friends. You called me fat in your post. You also said nice motivating things - but there is the undertone I speak of. I'm not having a go just saying x

OP posts:
Original poster
ScarySpiceMum · 09/07/2015 15:43

itsmine Thank you for your honestly and for sharing your experience. I understand what you are saying but I don't want to avoid the mirror, I want to love myself again. Ignoring it depresses me just as much as obsessing about it. I'm stuck.

OP posts:
Plarail123 · 09/07/2015 15:44

Get help from a trainer. Seriously, put it all into some aggressive fitness. You will lose weight and deal with some issues at the same time. Do it.

Plarail123 · 09/07/2015 15:48

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster
ScarySpiceMum · 09/07/2015 15:50

Plarail123 See what I mean? Play nice, it's only Mumsnet x

OP posts:
LurcioAgain · 09/07/2015 15:51

Scary - your immediate gut response to Plarall's very unhelpful post (and I'm not blaming you - you cannot help that response, and I think we'd all of us react the same way if we were where you are) is exactly what I meant upthread about latching on to the one post which reinforces your muddled world view. Because it is muddled (and in fact in one of your posts you acknowledge as much - being able to say "I get the odd compliment" after your opening post actually tells me that we should translate that as "Actually, I'm a good looking woman who looks after herself and gets noticed as such" - but you are unable to see it that way).

You do not come across as a drama queen in the slightest, and you're clearly not fat (I know what 1lb over a BMI of 25 looks like - and it is not fat by any stretch of the imagination) - what you come across as, to me, is someone with serious body image problems bordering on dysmorphia, who is in need of help - not just from friends, but as others have suggested upthread, from a professional counsellor.

It might help you to go through this thread and count up the number of posters who've said "you are fat" (that'll be one, Plarall) versus the number who have said "you sound lovely, but at the same time, I'm worried because you sound like your problem isn't your weight, it's your self-image and possible dysmorphia/depression - and you need professional help with that."

LurcioAgain · 09/07/2015 15:52

Ah, cross posted with the delightful Plarall. May I suggest you fuck off to the far side of fuck and when you get there, fuck off some more?

Original poster
ScarySpiceMum · 09/07/2015 15:58

LurcioAgain I know I know and I thank everyone. It's just that someones I feel judged - that people feel I'm being shallow. I don't like being reminded that there is more to life than food and body issues - I bloody know that which is what depresses me more. I'd love to wake up and not give a shit.
I cant even say it's because i don't want to die alone - I see couples of all different shapes sizes attractiveness etc. My colleague is larger than me and is the most beautiful glamorous woman I've seen in my life. It's just a personal thing with me. It's like i can think methodically and logically in every other aspect of my life but this. Madness.

OP posts:
Original poster
ScarySpiceMum · 09/07/2015 16:03

Lapsed I'm sorry for your friend. Hopefully you were kinder to her than you just were to me.

OP posts:
Wadingthroughsoup · 09/07/2015 16:06

I agree with those who are saying that this is a mental health issue, rather than a diet and fitness issue (although it does, of course, incorporate those elements).

OP, your body is a vessel which you inhabit. (Leaving aside philosophical questions of what makes you 'you'!) Your body is certainly not YOU. It sounds as though you are very successful in life, so no doubt there is much to be proud of about you.

Your body is incredible. It enables you to move about, to think, to communicate, to work, to enjoy relationships. What it looks like is really of very little importance, though I know it's very hard for you to believe that.

Have you spoken to your GP about this? I think a referral for some CBT or other talking therapy would be useful in helping you make a start in tackling this. I agree with you that the issue of control may be at the heart of this- it often is with disordered eating.

And as an aside, many (most?) of us have stretchmarks, rolls of fat, loose skin, cellulite... Some of us have acne too, and wrinkles and scars. They do not define us.

Wadingthroughsoup · 09/07/2015 16:08

And I know what you mean about logic. I'm a reasonably intelligent person. I also admire others who are bigger than me and are beautiful. And yet I am still terrified of gaining weight. But I'm gradually getting better.

Plarail123 · 09/07/2015 16:09

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Baddz · 09/07/2015 16:14

Op...I really empathise.
I am 5.5 and 70kgs
I know that a month of low carb and exercise will lose he weight I want BUT I have just been out on hrt fro early menopause (I am 42) and I had. Ensured the worst 2 years of my life (multiple bereavements, illness, operations....the works) and I just cannot seem to pull myself together to do it.
Or, like you, I manage a few days (I lost 7lbs in 6 days a couple of months ago!)
I am constantly exhausted, I have 2 school age DC and do volunteer work too.
I simply have no energy left for me and my needs.
The irony is I make sure the DC and Dh eat well and that they take exercise, but me? No.
I wish I knew what the answer was but didn't want you to feel you are alone.
X

WinterOfOurDiscountTents15 · 09/07/2015 16:25

eating disorders are so funny, arent they Plarail? Hmm Go give Adrian a hug, let the grown ups talk.

Dowser · 09/07/2015 16:29

Come over to the quit sugar thread.

Cut out all those sugary chocolatey drinks, sweets and even artificial sweetness foods that just make you crave sugar.

You will really give your body a boost and your health will be so much better.

Im 11 weeks in tomorrow and I'm not missing it.
Once you get the first day or two over it really is plain sailing.

You said you want to cut out all food when if you just cut out that useless group of empty calories .....life and eating will be so much simpler for you.

I also think too much sugar can fuel depressive symptoms .

WannaShedthisFatSuit · 09/07/2015 16:32

but there are an awful lot of women on mumsnet who would love to be only 73KG

yes me! I am 73 + 10 Sad

Original poster
ScarySpiceMum · 09/07/2015 16:36

Baddz Thanks so much! thanks for your honestly. I was starting to feel like a dramatic nutter. I'm not even lazy - I do 100000000 things a day. Why can't i lose weight?

OP posts:
WannaShedthisFatSuit · 09/07/2015 16:37

sounds like you have body dismorphia, you cant see yourself as you truely are. I was like this but the other way thgt I still looked good when v OW.

lunalelle · 09/07/2015 16:39

I am 80 kilos and the same height as you. While I am losing weight (slowly) by eating more sensibly, I am by no means huge, so at 73 kilos the idea that you look like 'a whale' seems quite farfetched indeed.

In the nicest possible way, I think you need to perhaps get some perspective and understand that, while eating sensibly and in sensible quantities, women do have fat on their bodies. Most of us here have had kids. We have hips and breasts and are not airbrushed or liposuctioned like magazine models. Eating well is always good, but starving yourself just means you will put it all back on anyway. At your current weight, more exercise is probably going to do you more good.

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