To Not Go To A Wedding?

[AnnaMagdalene]

The date is not yet set, so I'm not in the position where I have to make an immediate decision.

My stepdaughter has recently announced her engagement to her long term boyfriend. We've been told that they'll get married 'abroad somewhere.' My husband and I were told it would probably be next summer. However she told my husband's brother it would probably be in summer 2017.

The reasons why I'm not looking forward to his event are:-

I've never really liked her boyfriend, though I've tried to get to know him and realise he has got some real virtues. He's hardworking and energetic. I think it's partly that his politics are right wing and authoritarian. For example during one of the first time that we met he commented on a news story involving the death of a man who'd been caught up in a demonstration, and died in the hands of the police, that the man had clearly been 'out to cause trouble', that he knew these things because of his experience in the cadet force and/or Territorial Army. (An inquest later found that the death was 'unlawful killing.'

My husband and I are actually of quite an 'alternative' generation. Our contemporaries didn't really go in for weddings. Often we didn't get married at all - or only did it after children arrived to secure the legal side of things, and then in a very informal low-key, low cost way. So both of us find long engagements and elaborate weddings a bit weird. Though of coursewe understand that lots of people opt to do it that way

My husband's retired now and I am on a low income. So turning up to some destination abroad, will essentially mean that any alternative holiday we might take that summer is scuppered. The flight and hotel for ourselves and our daughter -who'll be an impoverished student by then - would be a signficant cost.

I'm an introvert who drinks almost no alcohol. I can enjoy small parties and conversations with little groups of people about any topic of mutual interests. Big bashes with loud music where you have to shout to make conversation. I can manage this for a few hours when socially necessary, but being trapped in these situations for long periods is quite stressful. I don't really know my stepdaughter's current friends. She's dropped most of her old friends because they don't really like her boyfriend and he doesn't like them.

Despite the fact that I have been with my husband for over twenty years and was not involved in the breakdown of his previous marriage, his former wife - my stepdaughter's mother - will not make eye contact with me or speak to me. She blanks me instead. Inevitably this makes any social occasion at which we are present, very uncomfortable. (There has been one earlier wedding of a mutual friend, where we were both present, and she wouldn't acknowledge me in any way. It as uncomfortable and distressing.)

I would happily attend any registry office-based or other wedding-related event in the UK. It's just the thought of the greater duration and preparation for something abroad that distresses me.

How would other people approach this?

Basically, you're judging the choices your SD has made?

I would have thought that the only reason not to go would be not able to afford it tbh.

I just cannot make any sense of your logic.
You sort of hint at being worried about her making the wrong choice by marrying him because you see red flags. But to you they aren't red flags - they are just things that mean you aren't put on the pedestal you seem to think you deserve.
It is so bizarre, you just seem completely self-absorbed and determined to make everything about you.

There was a thread recently where a poster talked about how she felt all the love and attention she gave her children should mean she is entitled to the same love and attention back. Your posts smack of that. Whatever support you've given her means she owes you, and you don't think she is repaying that debt properly, so you want to snub her on her own wedding day.

I'm speechless at how horrible your attitude is.

I am sorry, but I think you are being a little mean fixating on a Christmas present from years gone past like that.

In my first year of professional work I could barely afford Christmas. Having to buy my first set of professional work attire - briefcase, shoes, clothes, make up, decent hair cut, etc, all added up and there was not very much spare leftover after living expenses and commuting.

I can remember the feeling of despair when I realised all my university underwear was black and that with a load of new pale coloured work shirts I would have to go out and get white bras and camisoles. Starting work can cost a lot!

Also, I think a young adult often doesn't know what an older adult might like. Chocolate and a scarf may have seen a safe choice.

Why does it matter so much?

I was all set to say ' Yanbu to not go to a wedding, you don't have to go weddings, they're not mandatory.

Then I read the OP. It's not just 'a' wedding, it's your stepdaughters wedding. If you're going to refer to your stepdaughters wedding as 'a' wedding then maybe you shouldn't go.

Then I read the rest of the thread. It doesn't seem you like your stepdaughter very much and you haven't given any very valid reasons as to why. So you shouldn't put yourself out to go to 'a' wedding of someone (two someones) that you don't like. The more you post the more sorry I feel for Stepdaughter. Her own dad called her (extremely preliminary) wedding plans 'farcical'? Is he expecting to walk hey down the aisle? Or is that not ' right on ' enough for him?

FFS when I think back to the gifts I gave in my early 20s, when I was just starting out, I cringe. I spent too much rather than too little but on inappropriate stuff. Gave my future MIL old lady presents and she was a very funky 45 at the time! My mum used to get odd assortments of things I thought she should like rather than what she did like, sometimes I just totally forgot someone because I was busy being young and had to wing it....... I hadn't really got a clue, was fully unfledged as an adult. Some people are crap at gifts, I still am a bit.

She sounds a nice person busy being young too and to be frank you don't really sound that easy to get to know yourself if you're judgmental and ungracious in real life.

Yes, weddings can be great fun - even if you're not an extrovert - and a real celebration of a relationship. Perhaps they're a little more tricky perhaps on those occasions, when you're not quite sure how things will work out for the couple in the longer term.

But it's not your day. It doesn't matter one jot whether you find it fun or not. It's your step-daughter's day and your job is to go and be the perfect guest whether you find that fun or not.

We've all been to weddings where we aren't sure whether the marriage will last and given that nearly half of all marriages don't last, we've probably all been right to wonder. Just suck it up. Your step-daughter says she's happy and getting married is her choice. Her Husband doesn't have to be the person you would pick for her in order for you to attend the wedding.

I really cannot believe how self-involved your posts have been.

Im glad you aren't my step mum.

You say in your last post that you and your DH both care about his daughter / your stepdaughter.

Have you stopped to really think about how she might take it if you don't attend the wedding?

If you genuinely can't afford to go, then any reasonable person would probably either accept that with some degree of disappointment or offer to help you with the costs.

But if you can afford to go, and don't, then how do you think she's going to feel? I can easily see that being interpreted by your stepdaughter as you not caring about her, or you feeling that she's less important than whatever alternative holiday you're thinking of for that year. Feelings of hurt, anger, and rejection are likely, especially if she likes you and thinks that you like her.

I would think that you not going to the wedding (assuming it's financially possible) is likely to be very damaging to your relationship with her, regardless of how your feelings about her fiancee and her wedding plans are affecting your decision to attend.

That's a shame Euphemia

I would hope the person I choose to spend my life with would join me on some family visits and occasions and vice versa.

OP I have to agree with the majority. YABU and for your husband to call it farcical? Urm they have just announced engagement and he doesn't know a damn thing about the plans - other than it is going to be abroad? His attitude concerns me as much as yours does!! You both sound very self centered.

Seriously op the mother has high functioning autism and you are complaining that being around her can be difficult. Or course it can. It's is awkward at best for most people. Maybe she just doesn't know how to deal with the situation.

You are extremely judgmental of your dsd and her choices. She has had a difficult life, of course she found it all difficult.

As you said, you don't actually know him. Know nothing about why he doesn't want to visit family. You are creating all these issues as a reason to not put yourself out.

Have only read the OPs posts and, finances aside, it sounds like a boatload of feeble excuses. If you don't want to go, which you obviously don't, have the guts to tell them it's because you don't want to and take the flack. I would be seriously unimpressed in your step daughters shoes.

So unkind of her own father to call her wedding farcical, when really what can have been arranged so far to warrant such a word? Sounds like you both look for faults in her and her choices. I feel sorry for her.