To Not Go To A Wedding?

[AnnaMagdalene]

The date is not yet set, so I'm not in the position where I have to make an immediate decision.

My stepdaughter has recently announced her engagement to her long term boyfriend. We've been told that they'll get married 'abroad somewhere.' My husband and I were told it would probably be next summer. However she told my husband's brother it would probably be in summer 2017.

The reasons why I'm not looking forward to his event are:-

I've never really liked her boyfriend, though I've tried to get to know him and realise he has got some real virtues. He's hardworking and energetic. I think it's partly that his politics are right wing and authoritarian. For example during one of the first time that we met he commented on a news story involving the death of a man who'd been caught up in a demonstration, and died in the hands of the police, that the man had clearly been 'out to cause trouble', that he knew these things because of his experience in the cadet force and/or Territorial Army. (An inquest later found that the death was 'unlawful killing.'

My husband and I are actually of quite an 'alternative' generation. Our contemporaries didn't really go in for weddings. Often we didn't get married at all - or only did it after children arrived to secure the legal side of things, and then in a very informal low-key, low cost way. So both of us find long engagements and elaborate weddings a bit weird. Though of coursewe understand that lots of people opt to do it that way

My husband's retired now and I am on a low income. So turning up to some destination abroad, will essentially mean that any alternative holiday we might take that summer is scuppered. The flight and hotel for ourselves and our daughter -who'll be an impoverished student by then - would be a signficant cost.

I'm an introvert who drinks almost no alcohol. I can enjoy small parties and conversations with little groups of people about any topic of mutual interests. Big bashes with loud music where you have to shout to make conversation. I can manage this for a few hours when socially necessary, but being trapped in these situations for long periods is quite stressful. I don't really know my stepdaughter's current friends. She's dropped most of her old friends because they don't really like her boyfriend and he doesn't like them.

Despite the fact that I have been with my husband for over twenty years and was not involved in the breakdown of his previous marriage, his former wife - my stepdaughter's mother - will not make eye contact with me or speak to me. She blanks me instead. Inevitably this makes any social occasion at which we are present, very uncomfortable. (There has been one earlier wedding of a mutual friend, where we were both present, and she wouldn't acknowledge me in any way. It as uncomfortable and distressing.)

I would happily attend any registry office-based or other wedding-related event in the UK. It's just the thought of the greater duration and preparation for something abroad that distresses me.

How would other people approach this?

I think you are somewhat unreasonable for prejudging and trying to make a decision when you don't know when or where the wedding will be. Even the year is uncertain as it stands. You will create a lot of ill feeling by being so negative so early in the process.

You don't say whether you have any sort of relationship with your step daughter good or bad or whether she is close to her father, and has a step father to keep her rather rude mother entertained.

It would be rude not to attend if your husband would really like you to be there. A small wedding in rural France/Italy could be a very different occasion to one in Vegas if the latter you are likely to find that your presence will actively be discouraged by the bride and groom in favour of a small civil service and nice lunch at home so you could find yourself "off the hook" in any case

What not said, it's ironic that your reasons are all about you and what you like and think.

Its common to consider the cost of attending weddings, yes. But not for the wedding of your children, which after more than 20 years as her stepmother you would think she somewhat counted as.

You have to go. End of I'm afraid. Can you imagine how hurt she will be if you don't?

Sorry, I know that's not what you want to hear.

If there are "aspects of the relationship that concern you" as you put it perhaps you should be speaking to dsd about these now rather than using them as an excuse not to go to a wedding in 1 or 2 years time.

Of course you should go. This isn't a distant relative or old school friend, this is your step-daughter of 20 years.

It doesn't matter how you feel about her partner, the length of her engagement or weddings in general. Sometimes you just have to suck things up and show yourself as supportive and happy for your family regardless of your feelings. I think this is one of these occasions as none of your reasons warrant missing the wedding of such close family.

Yes people do sometimes state finances as a reason not to go to a distant friend or family member's wedding but not in relation to their own children!

You don't like him, that's fine. What about your step daughter?

Indian wedding in the UK sounds fun. Often no alcohol is served which will take care of one of your worries.

Last but not least, it's usual for children who have substantially more means than their parents to fund the cost of the wedding particularly overnight accommodation for their parents. You may find that you are worrying over very little in terms of finances.

You have to take your lead from your DH in this case - I know he says it's farcical, but does he actually want to/feel he should go? Some of your reasons for not going are ridiculous (which generation only got married for legal reasons? Certainly not my parents [married in the 60s] and as far as I know, marriage figures have only very recently started to decrease) but to answer your question, no, I don't think anybody , even parents, should feel obliged to go to a destination wedding if it's going to cause them financial hardship. As long as they're prepared to deal with the hurt feelings and possible long term repercussions.

I think you will have to go but I can see why you have some major reservations about it.

I also think its really telling that most of your DSD's old friends have been dropped because they don't like her partner and he doesn't like them. That's setting off some alarm bells for me.

As for the ex if she can't acknowledge you at her own DDs wedding that her problem.

YABU but I would be pretty put off by the sound of two overseas weddings, the details of which have not yet been clarified.

I do think if you have it abroad then you can't expect everyone you want to go, and perhaps should have discussed it with parents for whom it is obviously not their 'thing'.

If you can't afford to go, that's one thing. But one thing which should be discussed as adults with your step-daughter to work out how her father can be at her wedding.

Everything else... YABU. YABVU.

We're not married. We don't like the idea of marriage. I agree with what you said about not quite getting why some people want to spend £20,000 on a one day party.

Does that mean I don't go to weddings?

Does it hell. Because it is their day, not yours. You go, smile, chat politely and pretend to have a nice time for the sake of the couple.

How can the wedding that doesn't even have a date be farcical?

She is getting married. It's not upto you or her father to approve.

Personally I think you shouldn't go. You seem pretty set in your ways and will possibly only upset your dsd

If you can't afford to go and won't be able to save enough in two years to go then fine. You can't go.
All your other reasons sound trvial. I know several families where parents and or step-parents have not attended their child's weddings for petty reasons and in nearly all of the cases it has damaged the relationship with the child.

I suspect my tee total, socially quiet and fairly conservative PIL would not have chosen to attend a register office wedding followed by a huge party with a free bar in a pub. But of course they did as it was their son's wedding and it wasn't about them. And they had a bloody good time.

Embrace it as a new experience which will mean a lot to your children. Find spaces in the festivities to relax and read a book. You never know, you might find like minded people to chat with. Yes, it will cost a lot of money but you mention it will only really mean sacrificing another holiday so it can't be too tight.

If the main issue is money, I am sure your husband can save enough to attend alone

You can go, you just don't want to.

I think that's really sad.

Yanbu to not really fancy going but YABU not to just suck it up and go anyway.
You are looking at all the issues or problems the wedding may cause you well actually this wedding isn't about you.
Hell, in your shoes I might not WANT to go but sometimes we have to do things we don't want to and other than finances your reasons for not going are pretty flimsy.

Your reasons for not wanting to go, if you break them down, seem to come down to 'can't be bothered'
She's been your step-daughter for over 20 years and you should be at her wedding. Suck it up and pretend to like her on this immensely important occasion.

If you don't it'll cause no end of problems between you and her, you and your husband and your husband and his daughter.

Well, I would dread this, absolutely dread it - it does sound though that if you are invited there is no real way out of it. To think about how to minimise the potential discomfort you would probably need more details - whereabouts, how many people etc. It might actually work out better for you if it is not a very small event as in that case you will not have to mingle too much with the groom, who sounds like an utter plonker, or your husband's former wife.

When you know more about it, it might be a good idea to talk to your husband and ask if he will tactfully help you if it is suggested that you are being seated at a tiny table with his former wife who will completely ignore you all day etc. However, he may be unlikely to discuss until there is a date, plans etc. It may all come to nothing so perhaps you should wait until it is more definite to worry?

this is a really interesting post from my perspective
apart from the "alternative generation" thing - no such thing as an entire generation having one characteristic - I am sympathetic.

However, it mostly depends on your relationship with your step daughter and husband. Is the SD in name only and you don't care for each other? Is your husband okay with you not going?

I am guessing that if you even consider not going and don't bother mentioning their feelings, they would be okay with you not going. If they are okay with it - don't go. But if they would be devastated this will be a massive massive family incident if you don't go.

Also wonder why you have not raised your concerns with the SD if you think the guy is so unpleasant.

You don't sound like a very nice person.
You mock weddings as being conventional and against your counter-culture lifestyle, but you're married yourself.
You call him 'authoritarian' but decide that weddings must not involve music, or friends that you don't know, or have any of the usual hall marks of a wedding.

And come on, you are 'distressed' at the idea of a family gathering? You need to get a whole truck load of grips.

So yes, YABU and a typical wicked stepmother

@'typical wicked stepmother'
Your reasons are very self centred. Unless it's in Fiji or somewhere similarly far flung, go and be gracious. Let's hope it's in Cuba is that counter cultural enough for you?

I'm a stepmother, the major difference with your situation is me and the ex get on OK and quite happily attend things together.

However I know what you mean about SM's role in things. It'll be my DSD's graduation soon, and husband and ex, siblings and grandparents are all going. I'm not, it involves lots of travelling, it would make it much more expensive hotel and travel wise if I went and also, I'd rather have some peace and quiet at home rather than 3 days travelling, meals and hotels.

That's OK though, if there was space I might well go, but actually it's easier all round if I don't.

AnnaMagdalene I think for a wedding, you kind of have to suck it up and go, you've had advance warning so start saving. It's all part of being a stepparent. Smile, have a good time, they won't be expecting 'the oldies' to be having pool parties.

Maybe, when you know where it is, book somewhere near but not at the venue so you can slope off 'with a headache' if it all gets too much.

But I think going is the right thing to do.

I'll try and answer re the relationship with my stepdaughter. She's very different from both me and her father, in character.

It sounds odd to say you don't really know somebody when you have known them since the age of 5. On the outside she is very pleasant, chatty, sociable. But - perhaps because she hates conflict - I don't think she is very honest, and will avoid difficult subjects. I don't really know what's going on inside her head.

I think her childhood was a difficult, because her mother and brother both had high-functioning autism. Her mother and brother spent a lot of time arguing and quarreling and she probably got sidelined rather. I think this is somehow connected to her gravitating towards a rather dominating, dominant boyfriend at her first term in university - she's never been out with anyone else - and deciding he is 'the one' for her.

Her mother moved when she was in the middle of her sixth form studies and my stepdaughter had to come live with me and my partner. I think - if that makes sense - she resented me for being there when her mother wasn't.

Soon after she met her boyfriend, she sent my husband a long letter saying she had never really liked me and just wanted to be with her Mum.

A couple of years later she was saying that she didn't like her Mum and I had been much more consistent and there for her. For example I was the one whose shoulder she cried on when she was distressed about the results of her university exams.

She lived with us again when she was doing teacher training. She wasn't well while doing the course and I did lots of looking after her. Not just cooking, laundry, but masses of moral support.

If I were to express reservations about her boyfriend or ask awkward questions, she would shy away from me, and regard this as coming from a place hostility rather than concern. So my partner has done that on behalf of both of us.

I feel that until recently (while she was still living in this part of the world) when my stepdaughter wasn't getting on well with her mother, she wanted support from me and I did my best to give it. However, there would still be an underlying feeling on my part, that she in some way resented me. For example she's earning a decent salary now. But any gifts for me for a birthday or Xmas have been slightly odd things like a scarf (think market stall polyester) and a chocolate bar.

I think my stepdaughter is probably very good at her job. I admire the work she's done, and how she has overcome her health problems. I think she is very well mannered and pleasant on the surface, so that she can be easy to have around. But I suppose I feel less close to her than I did at various points when she was younger.

The likelihood is that in the event, I shall support my partner by going along to whatever happens, and do my best to survive. I'll probably enjoy it most by standing back in a rather detached sort of way if that make sense.