To Not Go To A Wedding?

[AnnaMagdalene]

The date is not yet set, so I'm not in the position where I have to make an immediate decision.

My stepdaughter has recently announced her engagement to her long term boyfriend. We've been told that they'll get married 'abroad somewhere.' My husband and I were told it would probably be next summer. However she told my husband's brother it would probably be in summer 2017.

The reasons why I'm not looking forward to his event are:-

I've never really liked her boyfriend, though I've tried to get to know him and realise he has got some real virtues. He's hardworking and energetic. I think it's partly that his politics are right wing and authoritarian. For example during one of the first time that we met he commented on a news story involving the death of a man who'd been caught up in a demonstration, and died in the hands of the police, that the man had clearly been 'out to cause trouble', that he knew these things because of his experience in the cadet force and/or Territorial Army. (An inquest later found that the death was 'unlawful killing.'

My husband and I are actually of quite an 'alternative' generation. Our contemporaries didn't really go in for weddings. Often we didn't get married at all - or only did it after children arrived to secure the legal side of things, and then in a very informal low-key, low cost way. So both of us find long engagements and elaborate weddings a bit weird. Though of coursewe understand that lots of people opt to do it that way

My husband's retired now and I am on a low income. So turning up to some destination abroad, will essentially mean that any alternative holiday we might take that summer is scuppered. The flight and hotel for ourselves and our daughter -who'll be an impoverished student by then - would be a signficant cost.

I'm an introvert who drinks almost no alcohol. I can enjoy small parties and conversations with little groups of people about any topic of mutual interests. Big bashes with loud music where you have to shout to make conversation. I can manage this for a few hours when socially necessary, but being trapped in these situations for long periods is quite stressful. I don't really know my stepdaughter's current friends. She's dropped most of her old friends because they don't really like her boyfriend and he doesn't like them.

Despite the fact that I have been with my husband for over twenty years and was not involved in the breakdown of his previous marriage, his former wife - my stepdaughter's mother - will not make eye contact with me or speak to me. She blanks me instead. Inevitably this makes any social occasion at which we are present, very uncomfortable. (There has been one earlier wedding of a mutual friend, where we were both present, and she wouldn't acknowledge me in any way. It as uncomfortable and distressing.)

I would happily attend any registry office-based or other wedding-related event in the UK. It's just the thought of the greater duration and preparation for something abroad that distresses me.

How would other people approach this?

'And come on, you are 'distressed' at the idea of a family gathering? '

I completely get this and have decided not to attend a family wedding (cousin) this summer because of the potential for bad behaviour and uncomfortable situations when toxic family members and alcohol mix. Not everyone has the same experience of family - being around family members can be downright traumatic for some people.

OP, my best friend got married to an utter wanker a few years ago. I dreaded the wedding day but still put on my best biggest smile and showed up. And I'm glad I did because I was there to support her, and I would have regretted it if I hadn't been there. Any chance you could see this as something you can put yourself through for your husband's sake? Although from the sounds of it, he doesn't sound terribly keen on the whole idea either!

Sorry OP, but your husband and his daughter are a package, so you'll have to put a brave face on it and go.

YABU. You are coming across as rather petty and intolerant, not to mention lacking in social graces. This is a family wedding; it is utterly not about you, let alone your 'alternative' values (whatever they are).

Turn up, be gracious, leave early if you need to, but you need to take this one for the team.

I can understand you not wanting to go. I'm quite introverted and find things like weddings a bit stressful even without any of the reservations you mention

But, it's your stepdaughter's wedding. It's not just some random acquaintance who isn't really going to care whether you're there or not. Unless it's financially impossible, I think you should grit your teeth and go. Choosing not to attend could very well cause hurt or offense to your stepdaughter. Even if you don't like her fiancee, you should be there to support your stepdaughter in her choice, and to support your husband at his daughters wedding.

Wow, you've got an enormous chip on your shoulder over her, haven't you?

And nice drip feed there that the horrible evil first wife that isn't all friendly and chatty to you has ASD. So you can't cut her any slack because of her medically diagnosed condition, but because you are a bit of an introvert, their wedding plans are unacceptable?

Maybe you should re-read your posts and see what a horrible hypocrite you are being.

Teenage girls from broken homes, who have strained relationships with a parent sometimes aren't model children. However for you to still be judging her for harmless things she did then is really, really unpleasant.

This wedding issue is clearly you projecting much bigger issues you have about her and the way she lives and has lived her life. Maybe you need to get to the bottom of that before deciding whether or not to cause a family rift by making a point of not going to the wedding

I can't believe how much you're making this event, before it's even been planned, all about you.

Your reasons are ridiculous. It's your Sd, your husbands daughter. How on earth could you not go to her wedding?

I suspect this more about being scared of the ex wife than anything else?

How would other people approach this? said OP

I'd worry about it when, and if, you get an invitation. It's 2 years away

First of all, it hasn't even been properly decided yet, so it's hardly a farce yet and there's no point getting yourself worked up about not wanting to attend or not until you know for a fact what you're attending.

From the description of your relationship it sounds like any normal stepmum relationship. Sometimes it's up, sometimes it's down, and naturally you get chosen second over the real mum, and sometimes it hurts and feels like they don't like you (I'm one too). And no you may not have an immediate role at the wedding, but you are an immediate family member and really ought to be there. If you and your husband don't go your relationship with her probably will change for the worse and it will be the pair of your's fault.

if you are short of money then save up for your husband to go.

OP- it's not all about you. You sounds really self absorbed.

AnnaMagdalene "Soon after she met her boyfriend, she sent my husband a long letter saying she had never really liked me and just wanted to be with her Mum"

I'm just highlighting that because I think it's important. It may be worth having an honest chat with her - if you don't want to go and she doesn't want you there then you could mutually agree it perhaps?

I respect her right to not really like you but equally I respect your right to not really like her.

I'll probably enjoy it most by standing back in a rather detached sort of way if that make sense.

Yes, it makes complete sense. You'll insist on being in-involved but make sure everyone sees your eye rolling disdain making sure you are the centre of attention.

*un-involved

In the circumstances you describe, I would go to the wedding.

Not going to her wedding for what amounts to 'can't be arsed' reasons will destroy any relationship between you and will seriously damage the one between father and daughter. But do as you will as it seems it's all about you.

1. Start saving - you have 1 - 2 years to save up.

2. You and your DH are so "alternative" and not into weddings that you've been married at least three times between you - but you don't like the idea of DSD following in your footsteps.

3. You've been in your DSD's life for 20 years and she is a thoughtful and pleasant young woman. Does she know you can't see the point of spending time with her?

4. You and your DH both sound unpleasant ("farcical"? Really?).

5. If you and your DH are agreed that the wedding is a waste of time and money, then I suggest you tell your DSD at the earliest possible opportunity before her planning progresses.

6. I wish your DSD and her DH2B every happiness in their marriage , however they choose to celebrate it.

Her mother moved when she was in the middle of her sixth form studies and my stepdaughter had to come live with me and my partner. I think - if that makes sense - she resented me for being there when her mother wasn't.

I think you are overthinking this if you really believe that a teenager who had just had to move half way through her A-levels because her own mother had decided to move away really gave you much more than a second thought. She was hugely vulnerable, in the awful position of having to accept that her mother wasn't prepared to put her first, even at an important time in her school career, and move in with someone who she had never lived with before. And you think that she 'resented' you? Maybe she did, maybe she was just hugely confused and going through a difficult time, but bringing up her attitude towards you at a time like that to justify not going to a wedding in two years' time seems like you're clutching at straws to find ways to put her in the wrong.

So her mother and father split up.
Mother and brother are a nightmare to live with.
Mother moved when she is at a v vulnerable time and she comes to live with you.
Meanwhile daddy has moved on and set up a nice new little family with new wife and daughter.

So yeah she probably is a bit fucked up, but as the consenting adult here maybe have a bit of compassion and attend her bloody wedding with good grace.

Also there's a lot of talk of her and her friends high earning and your low income, as if they were dirty for it or something.

She probably hates that her dad contributed naff all to her mum in terms of child support from his low earning alternative job and has been driven the other way to seek financial security.

Or she could be a total bitch and you might be totally right about her. But it's a bit tricky to call.

Honestly OP the more you share the worse you sound. Now you are criticising the factshe buys you a scarf and chocolate forchristmas?

Perfectly acceptable gifts.

You are either a twat or a troll.

if you don't go, you will certainly make a statement, which i suspect is exactly what you want.
however, i think its inevitable that everyone else will think less of you for not going.
YABU.

I was going to say YABU.... and then I saw the comment where you bemoaned how much your step-daughter spends on gifts for you. Now I think YABVVVVVVVU.

It seems that this poor girl is surrounded by people who have always put their wishes above hers. This is her day not yours. Put her first. If it makes you uncomfortable suck it up.

Yes you have to go. And not only do you have to go but you have to smile and be pleasant and pretend you are having the time of your life.

If you're lucky then x wife will cause issues over you attending and you can get to be the all understanding kind and supportive step mum that "reluctantly " doesn't go to the wedding bit off coirse you will all later jave a celebratory meal.

if x wife doesn't do this for you then you need to go.

However this could be the one time where x wife disliking you could work in your favour

It is of course your choice to attend or not but I wouldn't expect your DH to be able to maintain any sort of relationship with his daughter if you don't.

As an aside you stated there's no role for a stepparent at a wedding. Exactly what role did you want?

Well, what matters most, I think, are three people, in no particular order: your husband, your step-daughter and your step-daughter's mother.

I don't think it is unreasonable not to go to the wedding if you think it will upset your step-daughter's mother, but it also depends on whether your step-daughter, or your husband, will be upset by your absence.

Generally I've done my best to be as good a stepmother as I can.

I've found it hard to warm to my stepdaughter's boyfriend and my partner haven't seen much of him. He is busy but even allowing for that he doesn't appear to want to spend much time with her relatives or her old friends.

As my stepdaughter hasn't been out with anybody else, I feel it's perhaps a bit harder for her to get a sense of what relationships are/can be like. These days it's quite unusual for women from her sort of background to get married with so little experience.

But when her Dad's talked to her, she's been adamant that she's sure of her feelings and this is what she wants.

Although she's been very warm and appreciative towards me at particular times, I did feel a bit puzzled by the chocolate bar and polyester scarf. They both came in the first year when she was earning a professional salary. She'd been living with us for the previous year and I'd done a great deal of looking after her. I was confused by the objects as they were the sort of thing where - unless you were absolutely stony broke or a small child on limited pocket money- you would give to a person you really didn't value at all. While a few months previously she had been talking and behaving as if she valued me a great deal.

One or two posters clearly have some insight into the difficulties of the stepmaternal role, and I'm grateful to that.

Yes, weddings can be great fun - even if you're not an extrovert - and a real celebration of a relationship. Perhaps they're a little more tricky perhaps on those occasions, when you're not quite sure how things will work out for the couple in the longer term.

But I've had a good conversation with my partner about it all. Despite the fact that we're not the sorts of people who especially enjoy the elaborate rituals and fuss and consumerism that often come with marriage now, we care about each other and about his daughter/my stepdaughter.