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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About MIL and school report

83 replies

Efferlunt · 08/07/2015 20:55

So MIL pops round to drop something off today as arranged, we are at work but our nanny makes her a coffee and has a quick chat. School report for DS (5) is on kitchen table. According to note left for us by nanny MIL has had a quick read and askes nanny to ask us for photocopy so she can have a proper read later.
AIBU to think this is not okay? I would have been happy to discuss the report with her in general terms but wouldn't necessarily have wanted her reading it because she has form for over-involving herself in our lives and because I know she will now be discussing the report with everyone she comes into contact with for the next few days, including people we know.

But maybe this is a normal thing for grandparents to do?

OP posts:
Lateswim16 · 08/07/2015 22:07

See I totally get the op here.

I see my children as individuals and their reports as confidential to them and to us as parents.

I never shared reports with parents or in-laws and they are not mine to share. If my children wanted to show them then that's fine.

I really can't understand why people feel it's perfectly fine to read letters not addressed to one on someone's kitchen table. It's incredibly rude and bad mannered and actually very invasive.

I wouldn't dream of doing this to my grown up children. Total lack of boundaries.

BuildYourOwnSnowman · 08/07/2015 22:10

the report is addressed to me as a parent and is the school telling me how my child has done over the year. It is not addressed to my child and it is not for my child to read - at reception age she wouldn't be able anyway!

I let DS read his report now he is in year 3 but although it is about him it is not for him.

i'm not talking about older kids as i don't have them yet but at this primary level i don't think it is confidential to the child.

DeidreChambersWhatACoincidence · 08/07/2015 22:12

I wouldn't be happy with that at all. A report is private and between the school and a child's parents/immediate carers. The assumption that she could help herself to my private correspondence would be the issue.

When my dc started getting school reports my mil made some comment about expecting to read them. She never has.

WilburIsSomePig · 08/07/2015 22:20

Well I always show MIL the DCs reports but I was pissed off when she took DD's out of her bag and read it before DH or I had.

Lateswim16 · 08/07/2015 22:21

Build but it is about your child isn't it? Surely you shared the report with your child. 5 is old enough to chat about how they are doing. Kids are supposed to understand how they are doing and their goals. Ofsted ask them during inspections even at 5.

I suppose all families are different but I regard my kids as private individuals who have a right to not have their schooling and progress paraded around the wider family and friends.

And I don't snoop on other people's letters and read what isn't addressed to me.

morelikeguidelines · 08/07/2015 22:31

Well, I did let mil see my dd's report, but I would think it was weird if she asked for a photocopy! What on earth does Mil need that for?

My mil was very good. The report came while she was looking after dd and ds for us, and she was good enough to leave it unopened for us! I did warn her it would be coming though, otherwise she might have unwittingly opened the brown envelope that could have been anything.

Mind you there was nothing particularly sensitive in dd's report, there might be circumstances in which only parents should be seeing it.

thegreylady · 08/07/2015 22:42

My dd lets me photocopy the dgs reports but I dont share them with anyone at all I just enjoy a little read every now and again.

Didntseethiscominghelpplease · 08/07/2015 22:43

Not ok. If she pays school fees and has conditions poss ok. I pay grand DC fees. I absolutely do not require this feedback . My lovely husband wants to pay but we do not have the right to expect results . I trust my own children implicitly to accept their fathers generosity and fingers crossed my lovely grandchildren will just appreciate , as my own children did. We are very ordinary and I love working so whilst dh retires - 53 I'm excited to keep going. Before haters shout out...I earn peanuts. Take home pay 40 hour week is £890 a month.

BuildYourOwnSnowman · 08/07/2015 22:47

I see grandparents as part of my close family tbh and not part of the wider group

At five I didn't discuss the report with ds and I won't with dd. school is fun and about trying hard - I don't think they can appreciate what a report is there to tell us and I don't think they need to understand goals at that age other than 'you're doing really well at reading - let's keep trying really hard'.

Now ds is 8 it is different but I use my judgement as it is written for an adult to read - not a child.

As for op - are you sure your nanny didn't give it to her to read?

soapboxqueen · 08/07/2015 22:53

I can't think of much that my parents or my in-laws don't know about me, dh or dc.

Original poster
Efferlunt · 08/07/2015 22:57

So many lovely Grannies in here proud of their DGC makes me Smile! I honestly don't know if the nanny gave MIL the report - I wasn't there - but it doesn't seem like the sort of thing she'd do.

OP posts:
BuildYourOwnSnowman · 08/07/2015 22:59

Maybe check with your nanny because she may see it as totally normal (as some of us on the thread do) so may not have seen it as an issue.

Do you have a particularly competitive sil with a child in the same year? I have a friend who does and I could totally see why locking down a report would be the best thing in those circumstances!

Mintyy · 08/07/2015 23:02

Omg! The replies on this thread are completely freaking me out.

My children's grandparents (both sides) always ask to see their school reports. They are interested in the dc and love them. We photocopy and send them on without fail every year. They all live outside of "dropping in" distance.

It never for one moment occurred to me that this was anything other than GPs taking a loving interest.

pollyisnotputtingthekettleon · 08/07/2015 23:05

Mintyy thats ok if you`re ok with it. But OP isnt.

Mintyy · 08/07/2015 23:10

Yes, thank you very much for pointing that out polly. I understand the op is not ok with it.

I don't understand why she is not ok with it though. And why nearly everyone else on the thread thinks it is some kind of freaky thing.

BackforGood · 08/07/2015 23:15

Asking for a copy is weird.

Reading it if it was on the kitchen table in front of her, would depend on :

  • if it were folded up in it's envelope - then, yes SWBU (or YANBU if you prefer)
but if it were lying on the table out in the open, then I don't think she was BU (so, by default, you are).... I tend to read newletters and stuff that are lying about in relations houses. If I were there when my relations had their school reports, then they'd show me anyway - it's nice to show Aunty / Grandma / etc your lovely report. I wouldn't take anything out of an envelope, or go rummaging through things in anyone else's house but if it's there, open, it's a bit different.
Original poster
Efferlunt · 08/07/2015 23:16

Mintyy I think I'm happy for her to read it although I'd feel slightly uncomfortable given our history But I can't think of a genuine objection. (Never given it much thought before today tbh) but I'd expect her to ask not just help herself, that's the issue. As I've said I worry my feelings may stem from past interfering behaviour and not the issue itself. That why I wanted to get a sense of how others saw the issue.

OP posts:
cardibach · 08/07/2015 23:17

I don't really see reports as 'confidential documents' in the sense that bank statements are. I always shared DDs with Grandparents. One side live 4hrs drive away so I scanned and sent. I photocopied for my parents although they live 5mins away as I know both of them like to go over them again. They both have hearing issues and mum is partially sighted, so they need longer to digest them. I think it's nice they all care. If your MIL is generally difficult it changes things, but I don't think the concept of her reading it and wanting a copy is particularly weird.

cardibach · 08/07/2015 23:20

Scanned and emailed I mean.

Mintyy · 08/07/2015 23:28

Oh I see. For once I was going on the op and not the further information drip- fed later on.

Original poster
Efferlunt · 08/07/2015 23:40

I think it's a bit unfair to say drip feed Mintyy. I wanted an opinion on the actual issue which is why I set it out like that.

OP posts:
GoblinLittleOwl · 09/07/2015 06:15

Good that she is interested; not good that she reads confidential information without permission; a school report is confidential.
Ignore request for photo copy, but be prepared to discuss it with her, if you choose, next time you see her, with you holding on to the report and reading out the bits you want her to hear.
Otherwise you will set a precedent; school reports are (should be) very personal and there may be things in future you would prefer her not to see.

BumpTheElephant · 09/07/2015 06:27

YANBU.
I would be happy for PIL to read a school report if they asked.
I would not let my mother read a school report.
My mother is very interfering/controlling and would be trying to pick fault with it in order to make her feel better about being a shit parent herself (she's desperate for me to "fail").

PIL would just be proud of their grandchildren.

Teabagbeforemilk · 09/07/2015 06:30

I would let both my parents and pils read out kids reports of they wanted to. I also know they wouldn't discuss it with anyone.

However I would find it a bit strange for them to come on and just start reading it. I don't pick up stuff at mums house and have a read.

Mehitabel6 · 09/07/2015 06:32

Wanting it photocopied is very strange- I wouldn't do that.

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