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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

About MIL and school report

83 replies

Efferlunt · 08/07/2015 20:55

So MIL pops round to drop something off today as arranged, we are at work but our nanny makes her a coffee and has a quick chat. School report for DS (5) is on kitchen table. According to note left for us by nanny MIL has had a quick read and askes nanny to ask us for photocopy so she can have a proper read later.
AIBU to think this is not okay? I would have been happy to discuss the report with her in general terms but wouldn't necessarily have wanted her reading it because she has form for over-involving herself in our lives and because I know she will now be discussing the report with everyone she comes into contact with for the next few days, including people we know.

But maybe this is a normal thing for grandparents to do?

OP posts:

maddening · 08/07/2015 21:17

Ps it is normal for gp to want to know and it isn't invasive unless you have a back story. I would want my mum to see ds report and wouldn't mind her talking about her gc's report and how clever he is (obvs would be unhappy if she was declaring ds a failure to all and sundry) but general chat "dgc got his report and his teacher said what a wonderful little boy he is" would not bother me - but I have a lovely relationship with my mum and fmil and want to share - from your posts she has form so your hackles hp are raised from something relatively reasonable.

Pooka · 08/07/2015 21:18

This wouldn't bother me a jot.

I show reports to grandparents. They're interested in the children. None of them would imagine reading bank statements. Totally different IMO.

MythicalKings · 08/07/2015 21:18

Perfectly normal. Both DCs reports were shown to grandparents and aunts and uncles. And we've seen their cousins' reports.

Seems weird not to show them round to me.

pollyisnotputtingthekettleon · 08/07/2015 21:21

I assumed she read it before you. Nanny did not keep it confidential did she? Most reports are positive and between the lines., and any real issues would be discussed in private. DM and DPil arent that interested. So im sitting on the fence.

Chewbecca · 08/07/2015 21:22

Well I've always shown DS's report to his grandparents anyway so it wouldn't bother me at all if my mum saw it in my house whilst I was at work before I'd had a chance to show her.

I think photocopying is a bit weird but overall YABU to be so annoyed about it in my view.

SEsofty · 08/07/2015 21:22

Normal for grandparents to read. Not normal to ask for photocopy. At five reports are normally really short

Original poster

Efferlunt · 08/07/2015 21:24

by confidential I meant I don't want versions of it discussed with our neighbours however innocuous it is. There is background here. When we moved in she told a few local people that she was worried about us paying off our 'high' mortgage. This eventually got back to me when people started telling me her hairdresser was telling other people that we were falling behind with out mortgage payments. So I'm probably a bit put off by that experience.

OP posts:

soapboxqueen · 08/07/2015 21:24

Really don't see what the problem is. It isn't a bank statement or medical report.

BuildYourOwnSnowman · 08/07/2015 21:25

i've never seen it as a confidential document. More a document only a very small pool of people have any interest in.

What's the worst that can happen - she tells someone your ds is top of the class of reading/ still can't do his number bonds to ten? Other person is likely to smile indulgently and put it from their mind.

Smellyoulateralligator · 08/07/2015 21:26

I'm with Looks.
Unless this is indicative of other issues I don't see it as a massive deal tbh. I think it's different from reading bank statements.
My dad knows I'm always losing things so will make copies of school reports. I always find out after the fact and I find it very helpful.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 08/07/2015 21:26

My 3.5yo got her report today from preschool. My DM is also my CM and she collected her today. Never even crossed my mind to wonder if (1) she read it (2) she read it before me or (3) she talked about it with others. Until I read this!

Not that Id care either way - she is a great grandmother and relishes being involved in their lives. Why does it matter if she reads the report?

Likening it to "reading bank statements/bills/letters" is nonsense. Just because she read the report doesnt mean she would do these tjings too.

Original poster

Efferlunt · 08/07/2015 21:27

I think from what you have all said the report thing is probably with the bounds of normality so I will stop stressing. She can read it if she wants. I may keep forgetting to photocopy it though.

OP posts:

Sootgremlin · 08/07/2015 21:28

I get the over-involvement thing, I really do, but just going on this one incident...I'm imagining leaving a school report out on the table and either of the grandmothers reading it and I can't honestly feel it's a problem.

I think I could imagine them both not resisting the urge to read it because they love the dcs and would be so interested, I understand that and I wouldn't consider it overstepping. If it was not for public consumption for whatever reason I would have put it away.

However, the photocopying thing is weird, and you obviously have a background that makes you uncomfortable and feel she is not to be trusted with it so yanbu in how you feel, but that being the case you need to keep personal stuff out of sight if she's going to be 'popping in' without you there.

soapboxqueen · 08/07/2015 21:28

If she's that untrustworthy, i wouldn't have her in the house when I wasn't there.

littlejohnnydory · 08/07/2015 21:28

Two minds here. I'm very much of the opinion that children's reports and grades belong to them and aren't for showing off around the extended family with everyone passing comment / judgement. But I did show dd's report to my mum today because I was so pleased that she's settled so well in school. I'll probably show it to PIL at some point. Asking for a copy is initially a bit OTT-sounding but she may want to read it and keep a copy for her memories or something like that, could be innoccuous. Alternatively she might want to parade it around her friends and bask in reflected glory, or pick it apart to criticise. I think I'd probably say, "you're welcome to have another look and take your time over it but I'd like the only copy to belong to dd and for her to have control of who sees it".

BuildYourOwnSnowman · 08/07/2015 21:29

it really never bothers me when people gossip - it sounds like your mil was bragging that her ds can afford a such big mortgage but dressed it up as being concerned re payments, hairdresser half listening - chinese whispers.

i know how easy it is to see mil as constantly in the wrong but since having the kids i have been much more aware of treating her the way i would treat my parents. she loves her grandkids after all

Sootgremlin · 08/07/2015 21:33

Cross-posted, it sounds like she has previous, understandable it makes you jumpy.

I got to a point like this with someone in my life, after a while the lack of trust makes any dealings with them tense and unhealthy.

Postchildrenpregranny · 08/07/2015 21:33

I used to copy and post primary school reports to my DPs (120 miles away) MIL used to like a copy .
Both are dead . I found complete sets for both my DDs amongst both their treasured things. Made me cry .

littlejohnnydory · 08/07/2015 21:34

Why is reading bank statements different, out of interest? Is it because that's your confidential information and not your DC's? Is their privacy less important?

The worst that can happen is that grandparents can put undue pressure on children, they can use their achievements to show off, they can make it all about them, they can use grandchildren as puppets, they can destroy family relationships by creating academic competition and division, they can create self esteem issues from which children never recover. I know because I had that Grandmother. I'm not saying that will be the case for most - but someone asked "what's the worst that can happen?" - that is, and probably why I am very cautious about parading my children's academic successes or making their education about anybody other than them.

jelliebelly · 08/07/2015 21:42

Photocopy request is weird but my mum popped over earlier and read dds report while she was here - gave her £5 for it being such a good report which was lovely! I also know she won't go blabbing in detail to anybody else apart from in general proud grandma terms!

ollieplimsoles · 08/07/2015 21:43

Don't get me wrong op I think its lovely that GPs take an interest and are proud.

Its different when mil has a history of being malicious or over bearing. I would be really annoyed if this was my mil, but she has opened bank statements, read medical notes and gone through my beside tables when I wouldn't tell her what contraception I was on...

Original poster

Efferlunt · 08/07/2015 21:46

Yep that's it Soot it's the lack of trust in the relationship that fucks everything up slightly. - big back story. I need to remember that she loves the kids and let some stuff go.

OP posts:

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 08/07/2015 21:57

I don't think yabu because this isn't about sharing a school report. She went through personal items that were none of her business. Was it really super obvious that it was a school report before she picked it up? Could have been anything, even if it was from the school, could have been other information she was not privy to. Added to that, she had no shame in reading private information (which of course you may share, but in your own time!), she proves she has done so by asking for a copy. I would be pissed off as well. I'd tell her in future, that you will share reports but they are not there 'on demand' - she has to respect both your privacy, and your son's future privacy (she cannot be allowed to be overly intrusive now, can you imagine her come GCSE results??).

sykadelic · 08/07/2015 22:01

I'm glad your DH came around, definitely not okay for her to be:

Looking at your paperwork
Asking for copies

Asking is a little bit unacceptable. Depends how much information she wants. She doesn't need to know grades, she doesn't really need to know anything... but a general "they're doing well and enjoying school" is more than enough.

BuildYourOwnSnowman · 08/07/2015 22:04

how do you know your nanny didn't ask her if she wanted to read it?

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