Don't want my husband at the birth

[Ada1901]

I don't know what to do as I think I don't want my husband at the birth (in about 3 weeks) and he wants to be there. The reasons I don't want him there include:

He is perhaps the least empathetic person I know and is dreadful at dealing with other people's pain - if I am in pain he is almost the last person I want anywhere near me.

We went through years of infertility/ fertility treatment and miscarriages to get to this point and nearly divorced over it. I have forgiven him for his behaviour the times I miscarried but I can't forget some of the things he said. He got angry, he told me to pull myself together before the bleeding even had stopped, he told me to stop thinking about myself, he asked me three days after the second miscarriage (at 13 weeks) when I was in floods of tears how long I was going to 'carry on about it'. He was generally completely dismissive of what I went through and while clearly traumatised himself refused to acknowledge that it had any impact on him - he said it was something happening to me not him and I needed to deal with it.

Throughout this entire (difficult) pregnancy his coping mechanism has been to use 'humour' to respond to my illness and complications which I find distressing.

He has told people that his job during the birth will be to apologise to all the staff I piss off because he knows I'm going to 'carry on' like no one else. I am very anxious about the birth and the baby being OK and I am being induced due to high blood pressure in 3 weeks or so at the latest as they don't want me to go past 38 weeks. I can't envisage a scenario where his presence does anything other than increase my anxiety and with an induction in particular I feel like his presence is likely to make it less likely to succeed and that I'll wind up having a c-section. I feel like there is a fair bit of projection going on in his head about my ability to cope with things. For example he won't give blood because he is needle and blood phobic, won't take our dogs to the vet (he had to run out of the room and nearly fainted a couple of years ago when he was present when the puppy had a vaccination), and I had to arrange for our dentist to anaesthetise him so he could finally get his teeth cleaned after years of avoiding the dentist because of the apparently unbearable pain of a hygienists visit.

On the flip side maybe he would pull it together and it is the birth of his much wanted child too - I am so conflicted because rationally I think I should put myself (and therefore the baby) first and do everything possible - including keeping my husband away - to maximise my chance of a successful induction but I think if he could manage to be supportive it might go a long way to healing some of the hurt. Sorry for long rant, would love advice and to know if anyone else thought their husband would bottle it and be useless (or worse) only to be surprised??

My dp was pretty crap and so I let him stay for a while and then when it came to pushing I told him to get out so I could actually focus on what I was doing as him cringing and being useless was pissing me off. In retrospect it would have been better to choose someone else to be with me so he could have been there for part of it, but I would still have had some support. That said, the midwives will step up if you are on your own.

i regret having my exh at the birth. I thought hed be supportive and impressed with me, and it would be beautiful. He was neither use nor ornament, and spent the entire time looking grossed out or trying to nap. I think it led to me feeling completely out of my depth and ending up with an overmedicated birth when id gone in thinking it would be natural. I just needed more support, and got fuck all.

Can your mum be with you or a sister?

Nobody has a right to be at a birth if they are not the person giving birth.

It is not a sporting event that you watch for fun.

He could be the most wonderful supportive man in the world and you still don't have to have him there

Well, I think him being at the birth is the least of your worries. What a foul man and what a shit relationship to being s child into.

Wow what a charmer

I went through similar to you prior to having my DD and my DH was my rock through out the whole thing. Sheltered me from the world. Without him I would have fallen apart. It also made me see what a wonderful father he would be/is, which made me more determined to have a child with him.

You NEED to make sure that you are 100% comfortable with who is there during labour...evidence shows that anxiety stress etc inhibits the hormones that help labour to progress. It's good that you have a friend lined up.... But I think a professional doula could help you with your anxieties around giving birth, which has an extra dimension after fertility issues (been there) :(

I decided against a doula in the end purely because I knew my DH would be enough for me. And he was, despite a very traumatic birth he was wonderful (the midwives kept telling him how lovely he was....good job he didn't get a big head!!)

Birth is a huge deal at the best of times and can be very traumatising if things are complicated. You need the right support. Your DHs wishes come a very low second if he isn't going to step up to the plate.

Ok he maybe he is traumatised after all he has been through....BUT you need to have a full and frank discussion about how his behaviour has impacted on you. He MUST seek help on his issues, he is going to become a father and unless your want to risk your child being emotionally screwed up by this manchild he needs to sort himself out. (If he behaves the same way towards your child then I'm afraid that constitutes emotional abuse). This runs deeper than just the birth...how will he support you if you suffer a birth injury?? csection? Breastfeeding difficulties?? Tell you just to pull yourself together?! What about if your baby suffers from colic or reflux and screams for hours? And like people have said, further down the line when your baby gets sick?!

that you have all of this on your plate so close to giving birth, but please try to start sorting this out before your baby arrives. Good luck with everything

My DH is very absorbed in his own illnesses, and during my pregnancies contrived to be "iller" then me. At the birth of DD he was asleep on the crash mat in the birthing room. He used to joke about how long I took to perform, in the incorrect assumption that his joke was amusing.

I am still really sad that I didnt have that cosseted and cared for pregnancy, and the support during birth that I wanted. I finally sat down with him and had a very direct conversation about it, and he now realises how much if affected me .

Dont have him at the birth, and explain in a non emotional way, why you dont want him there. You sound lovely, and you deserve someone who you can count on to support you.

Incidentally... you mention a C section as if it is a dreadful outcome... it honestly wasn't for me...

Good luck!

If he 'wants to be there' maybe the OP should go along with it but make sure she has her mum/ bff/ someone she knows she can actually rely on to get her through it after he's fainted/ puked/ been told to fuck off and wait outside if he can't be helpful..?

It isn't compulsory to have the father present at the birth.
Have a quiet word with the midwife in the early stages of labour, and she can ask him to go, for whatever reason.
As I understand it, the midwife controls what happens during delivery and if she feels he is causing you distress, physically or mentally, she will ask him tactfully to leave. I think many midwives would be glad if some husbands were not present; they are allowed there because they are supposed to help the mother, not upset her.
You are the star of this particular episode, and what you say goes.
Good luck.

The idea that the father should be present during labour is a very recent one, and I don't think it is his "right". I also get why you might not want it, even if there aren't any other factors. I think if I was going to give birth I'd want my mum with me, given that she has done it before. Mind you, I always want my mum when I'm in pain
Could you use that argument though, OP? That you want your mum there and you can only have one birth partner? Or has some busybody already told him that's not the case?

I do wonder how someone who has so many issues with emotional expression will cope with a newborn, who can cry for hours for no discernible reason. I don't say that to worry you, OP. You seem like a very mature and mentally strong person and I'm sure you'll cope very well to make up for his shortcomings.

Also, OP, can you think of any way to alert the midwives etc who will be in attendance that you want them to use any excuse to police the situation including making him leave if he is upsetting you on the day? I'm sure they will have seen many like him before (sadly)... On a more charitable note, if he does see you go through all that it could be the making of him. One of my OH's mates behaved very similarly towards his Mrs (through several miscarriages over years of trying) and none of us could understand why she put up with him yet once they managed to have a baby and it became apparent that there was a complication a couple of days after the birth (it just as quickly became apparent that it was VERY MINOR and has had no effect on the child's development, just one of those things) he was on the phone in tears from the hospital to my OH because he felt so powerless as we both shielded our ears from the crashing sound of 10 years worth of pennies dropping...

X post with Goblin...

I think your plan to have a friend there as well who will support you sounds ideal. He can pace the corridors outside waiting for baby to be born like men used to in the olden days, whilst you get on with the birthing bit without him irritating/upsetting you.

Some of the comments on this thread are frankly shocking.
Good luck with the birth OP, hope it's a straightforward and not too long textbook labour for you

I didn't want my husband with me, I have laboured both ways and I felt more in control when I was by myself. If you don't want him there then that is your choice and not at all unreasonable. Good luck whatever you decide.

I did find with my youngest two that the midwives felt he should be there and I had to be quite forceful about my views.

First off, I'd give him the option to not be there. If it's put in a 'nonjudgemental' way, hopefully he'll take it. If he insists on being there after being given the option to 'opt out', I'd be frank and tell him that since he's been less than empathetic in the past, he'll need to keep his fat mouth shut about you, any noise you make, or anything else to do with the birthing process! That you will be getting your support from your friend and that he's only there as a silent observer. Then be sure you tell your midwife the same thing. If he starts any crap, let them escort him out.

Second, I'd tell him that he needs to get counseling. It's obvious that his losses have caused a 'short in his empathy circuit' when it comes to hospitals and medical shit. It's something he'll need to get over because as time goes by you and/or the child(ten) will become ill, get injured, get peas up noses, etc. He's going to need to learn to deal with it.

I'm taking it on your word that he's a good man, other than this one (major) thing. My brother also has an issue with doctors and hospitals so I know it's a real 'thing'. He has to 'gird his loins' for a couple of days before going to the doctor and will not visit people in hospital. It took everything he had to visit our parents when they were hospitalized. But he doesn't have a wife or children that will need him to be supportive through life's illnesses and traumas. Your husband needs to get his shit together and get this sorted out.

I didn't want DP there. I didn't realise that until I was in labour though. He reluctantly waited outside. He was upset but he understood.

I am feeling a little more kindly disposed to your husband than some of the posters. OP didn't come here to seek advice on ending her marriage but she is understandably stressed up about the forthcoming birth. OK, your DH is a crap communicator but I wonder if his outright clumsiness and apparent insensitivity is defensive and a means of hiding his hurt. Infertility does hurt men and so do miscarriages but understandably, most concern focuses on women. Maybe his chippy interventions are a way of deflecting that hurt.
If he genuinely is gore phobic, perhaps you could keep things fluid and have someone else present so that he can dip in and out. I know it is your show but I would try and avoid excluding him or making him feel useless as this is a special time for him as well and it is surely something that you want to share. If your relationship is worth saving (and maybe it isn't), there is surely a middle path without a showdown. Wishing you all the luck in the world.

I was worried my dh wouldn't support or protect me and I'd have to take care of him when I needed to take care of me. Worse, I knew that he was so good at making it about himself that everyone else would focus on him too at the expense of me and the baby.

So, I hired a doula.

It was the right thing to do, I had to scrape together the money to do it, and ended up getting one who was training so it cost less.

I didn't even get to use her in the end! I ended up having a csection, as Ds was back to back & breech, and he was too large.

But it was still worth it as she came round to support me even I was devastated, and even better she supported dh and talked him through it and stayed with him all day at the hospital when I was waiting and mostly sleeping.

It worked out well but in retrospect I should have hired an experienced doula as she was young and sweet and got quite suckered in by dh and his charms and neediness.

But it worked out fine as I got the full attention of the medics and dh had someone to lean on.

Btw dh turned out to be an abusive fucker whose inability to put me first was an indication of much deeper issues. I'm not going to say yours is in any way the same but please, whatever you do, try and think about where your line should be drawn, and what you'd do if thjngs got bad. And it wouldn't do any harm to have a plan of how you'd cope if he and you needed to spend some time apart.

But mostly though, I'd highly recommend creating a birth plan that does not rely on himself. Once you have

I haven't RTFT properly - just glanced at what's been said, but first of all: you don't have to have present at the birth. That would be so whatever he and your relationship was like, and the fact that for some women it's better and safer not to have their partners present during birth is something that's slowly becoming recognised and accepted.

Be confident that you have every right to set that as your boundary. Then you can go on to think about how you wish to deal with your relationship more generally.

he said it was something happening to me not him and I needed to deal with it Remind him of these words, and tell him that this also applies to your labour.

There's no reason he has to be in the room with you while you're labouring. He could wait outside and only come in when they can see the head. Then he misses nothing and you can have someone supportive with you during the majority of the labour.

I found dh intensely annoying during labour and ended up telling him to sit in the corner and stfu. He automatically did the same when i was in labour the second time.

I am glad he was there though - he cut the umbilical cord (i can see this may not be possible with your dh) and he watched over baby in those first minutes while i cleaned up and recovered my senses. He was also in total awe of me and this was good capital - particularly on name debates

I'd echo what a previous poster has said about the need to be completely clear with the midwives if you do not want the father in. Some took the view with me that I probably didn't mean what I said. So I said it in very, very clear and utterly unambiguous terms but it was extremely irritating that I had to.

I have less sympathy with this husband than some posters because he seems more abusive than hurt. I also don't think one should ok behaviour like that even if he does happen to be hurt. He's said some shitty things which the OP shouldn't forgive without him getting to grips with why it was wrong. These things don't go away if they're swept under the carpet, they tend to get worse.