Don't want my husband at the birth

[Ada1901]

I don't know what to do as I think I don't want my husband at the birth (in about 3 weeks) and he wants to be there. The reasons I don't want him there include:

He is perhaps the least empathetic person I know and is dreadful at dealing with other people's pain - if I am in pain he is almost the last person I want anywhere near me.

We went through years of infertility/ fertility treatment and miscarriages to get to this point and nearly divorced over it. I have forgiven him for his behaviour the times I miscarried but I can't forget some of the things he said. He got angry, he told me to pull myself together before the bleeding even had stopped, he told me to stop thinking about myself, he asked me three days after the second miscarriage (at 13 weeks) when I was in floods of tears how long I was going to 'carry on about it'. He was generally completely dismissive of what I went through and while clearly traumatised himself refused to acknowledge that it had any impact on him - he said it was something happening to me not him and I needed to deal with it.

Throughout this entire (difficult) pregnancy his coping mechanism has been to use 'humour' to respond to my illness and complications which I find distressing.

He has told people that his job during the birth will be to apologise to all the staff I piss off because he knows I'm going to 'carry on' like no one else. I am very anxious about the birth and the baby being OK and I am being induced due to high blood pressure in 3 weeks or so at the latest as they don't want me to go past 38 weeks. I can't envisage a scenario where his presence does anything other than increase my anxiety and with an induction in particular I feel like his presence is likely to make it less likely to succeed and that I'll wind up having a c-section. I feel like there is a fair bit of projection going on in his head about my ability to cope with things. For example he won't give blood because he is needle and blood phobic, won't take our dogs to the vet (he had to run out of the room and nearly fainted a couple of years ago when he was present when the puppy had a vaccination), and I had to arrange for our dentist to anaesthetise him so he could finally get his teeth cleaned after years of avoiding the dentist because of the apparently unbearable pain of a hygienists visit.

On the flip side maybe he would pull it together and it is the birth of his much wanted child too - I am so conflicted because rationally I think I should put myself (and therefore the baby) first and do everything possible - including keeping my husband away - to maximise my chance of a successful induction but I think if he could manage to be supportive it might go a long way to healing some of the hurt. Sorry for long rant, would love advice and to know if anyone else thought their husband would bottle it and be useless (or worse) only to be surprised??

For example he won't give blood because he is needle and blood phobic, won't take our dogs to the vet (he had to run out of the room and nearly fainted a couple of years ago when he was present when the puppy had a vaccination)

I'd use this. Tell him that there's likely to be a fair amount of mess and blood and needles and that clearly your reactions are going to set him on edge, so it would be better for all three of you if you and the baby meet him when all of that is over with. After all, he wouldn't like to carry on and cry or faint in front of the midwives, would he? If there are any apologies necessary, then you'll do that yourself after the experience.

I don't think you're being even slightly unreasonable given your experience of his reactions.

I agree with the others. Bring someone else, someone caring who's given birth. My husband was fairly useless at the birth, he seemed to think he was an extra midwife and kept giving me medical information when I needed emotional support. My midwife was lovely however and talked me through it.

One last point, its a huge experience for men too. My DH is empathetic, respectful and kind and wasn't massive help on either birth other than it being a pleasure for me to have the father of my child waiting alongside me to meet our baby. He did rub my back and give me water. I would have managed fine without that. But it meant the world to him to be there and to me that he was part of it all (shocked and upset as he was at the pain I was in). So maybe I am projecting my own DH and how much he wanted to be there on your situation. But my point is, even the best DH is often not that much use for the actual labour.

Why you would then go ahead and have a child with him is boggling, but here you are. Yanbu, he's awful and the last person you need there. A friend, your mum, sibling?

Your husband being there won't have any bearing on your induction being successful. Sorry no idea what taking dogs to the vet or going to the dentist have to do with your child's birth.

Sounds like your very anxious about things which is understandable given what you have went through to get to this stage. don't think about what others say too much - concentrate on your own well being and look after yourself. Getting induced isn't so bad - hopefully things will go relatively quickly. If you have high BP then things might not go as planned, just depends how things go on the day. No matter what you will be with health professionals who will deal with whatever happens.

I didn't want DP around for the twins, however unlike your situation OP it was purely because I knew he was scared shitless and would be crap as an advocate for me. Our local hospital had form for emergency c-s's at the first sign of any problem, something I really didn't want. I took my mum with me on the grounds that she'd done it five times herself, and sure enough when dd2 turned out to be awkwardly positioned the panicking obs starting muttering about a section. Ma however enlisted the support of the senior midwife and insisted on a second opinion, which led to a senior consultant physically manipulating her into a sensible angle where she was able to oosh herself out without further intervention. I really don't think DP would have had either the knowledge or the guts to help me stand firm.

He has never regretted not meeting his daughters until they'd had their faces washed and been wrapped in a blanket. And I'm quite pleased he wasn't there for the bit where I was being sick.

YANBU

Find a proper birth partner.

(Then a proper life partner.)

Yanbu. And your midwife will back you up. There are stats showing women do better (feel happier afterwards, fewer interventions) with a female birth partner. Hire a doula if you don't have a sister/mum/friend who you want to do it.

Giving birth is very challenging & can require you to dig deep for strength you didn't know you have - whether that's riding the contractions or keeping it together for your baby after a C/S, but particularly for a natural birth you need to be treated kindly and gently by people who allow it to be all about you and the baby, there is no room or energy for managing a childish husband. Good luck with it.

Yeah I'd definitely keep him out.

Well, if he wants to be there, it may drive a wedge between you and he'll never forgive you.

He sounds like an arse - is all this anger and balance his way of dealing with the disappointment of all the miscarriages and infertility? Is all because he is upset? Is he secretly worried about the birth?

Just strikes me that anger and humour are ways of covering for worry and upset. Not that it excuses what he's said, mind you.

All the people saying "why have a kid with this guy" are REALLY not helping. The situation is what it is and no amount of you all griping will change that. Some people who are married work hard to stay married and fight tooth and nail for their relationship, despite any issues. So long as there's no DV of any kind I think that should be something that is applauded. He doesn't sound abusive to me at all, just terribly bad at dealing with emotions. Some people are.

OP - Can you have 2 people with you? I would try and arrange for someone who will be great with you and not afraid to stand up to your DH if he starts being an annoyance to be with you as well. Another option would be to let someone else do the long haul early labour stuff then have him come in for the "main event" so he has less time to irritate you? Apparently there were students there when I was giving birth, I don't even remember anyone else from that part, I couldn't even tell you how many people were in the room. All I remember is the feeling of seeing the baby for the first time. Gas and air can keep your mind off a LOT! I do also agree if you just shut him out from such a special moment it could do a lot of harm to your marriage.

You need to talk this through. Tell him your fears. Seems like he is using "humour" to avoid feelings he may not be aware how much it upsets you. It sounds like he can't deal with seeing people emotional because he "doesn't do feelings" and he can't cope with seeing emotions expressed.

You need to talk through your expectations of him during labour and talk about what to expect. Watching something like One Born Every Minute may help? From what I've heard there are all kinds on there. You never know what kind of labour awaits you or how you will react. Make sure he is aware of what "grossness" awaits. He may not even want to be in the room for later bits if he is uber squeemish but rather wait close by to be first to see baby.

Good luck and I wish you a safe and easy delivery

physically pinned me down for the epidural that he had promised me he would never consent to - then fucked off home.

How are still with someone who did that to you?

It will not go well.
DH is lovely, supportive blah de blah but at one point during my first delivery I still wanted to hurt him terminally after some extra jolly breathing advice. There was swearing.
If your DH is even slightly a dick, he may not survive the wrath of the labouring woman.

He must have some good points or why on earth did you go through fertility with a man who treats you so badly.

Yanbu to not want him there but will he spit his dummy out over it?

Also as others have said if you tell midwives you need him out they WILL remove him. YOU are the priority.

I hear what you are saying about this being a chance for him to redeem himself... It's a big gamble though. Has he been to any birth classes with you or read up on anything. Does he seem willing to change his attitude? Do you have anyone else who could be an additional birth partner (a) to support you (b) to show your H an example of being supportive (c) to tell your H to leave if he's a twat?

I would sit him down for a serious chat, ie read him the Riot Act.

I'm sorry for all the heartbreak you have been through with what sounds like an awful partner. Wishing you LOADs of strength for the future

OP

I appreciate that (as one previous poster has said) that you cannot turn back time and not have a baby with this man - who, let's face it, sounds like a complete cock.

Bring someone else to the birth.

Do you have support for when the baby arrives? If he's being this much of a twat whilst you're pregnant, I'm sorry to say it but I dread to think what you're going to have to deal with after the baby is born.

You would be better off grabbing a tramp off the street to be your birthing partner

OP, I think in your desire for a baby you lost sight of the fact that your husband wasn't the right man for you.

You explain his behaviour by saying he was clearly traumatised - that is one way of interpreting it, but another way might be to take it on face value. He was dismissive of what you went through. He said it had no impact on him. He told you to pull yourself together when your baby died!

What kind of father do you think he's going to be? I hope everything goes well for you and you're strong enough to stand up for your child as well as yourself.

Do not have him there.

Your fears about his presence inhibiting and distressing you are absolutely reasonable. Yes it IS more likely that things won't go to plan if you are stressed and upset at being glared at and ridiculed by this abysmal excuse for a partner.

His right to be there? Well, for a start NOBODY has any right to be at a birth unless the person giving birth wants them there - for the baby's sake as much as anything, for the reasons given above. But in addition to that, it sounds as if this person's behaviour has more than destroyed ANY right he might have to say 'It's my baby too, I should be there.' If he were loving and supportive, well yes it would be a very hard position for you to take, to deny him being there. As it is, he thoroughly deserves it - and I hope that you do tell him exactly why, for your own health and that of your child, that he is not coming anywhere near the delivery suite.

As others have said, there's not much point now in asking why on earth you would want to tie yourself to this horrible, horrible little squirt. Maybe that's for later. Right now, find yourself a good birth partner, tell him he's not going to be there and he can spend the time you're at hospital having a good old think about how awful he must be that for his wife, the worst thing about birth would be the fact that he might be there to sneer his way through it. And if that doesn't wake him up and get him to agree to counselling, make plans to leave. Your life with him sounds miserable, and he will make your baby miserable and insecure too.

I second the idea of using his squeamishness to get him waiting outside. The rooms for delivery aren't exactly huge, everything is very much visible. The midwife/midwives need to focus on you and the baby. Anyone getting distracted/ might faint because of blood / needles is just going to be in the way.

I hate to be blunt, but with his attitude tell him he can't be at the delivery because of his track record of being insensitive and squeamish and that it will only add to the stress. If he doesn't like it he will have to suck it up, because apparently that's acceptable.

Well, thanks for all the feedback. I have focussed on one issue (and believe me I know it's a big one) but he does actually have good qualities or I wouldn't be with him. Pain and illness and medical procedures are a really big issue for him, so much so that he does not cope and behaves as some of you have correctly identified, like a complete c*nt. It doesn't excuse it but by way of perhaps explanation he lost his mother, grandmother and first wife all to breast cancer in a quite short space of a few years ago and I assume that this is the root of his behaviour - hard to know for sure as I obviously didn't know him before all that happened but I think seeing me in pain or sick makes him freak out and panic and then he behaves very badly and very childishly about it and either says really shitty things or starts making jokes of it. At all other times he is loving and supportive and he is a doting uncle and good friend and would generally do anything for anyone (as long as they aren't sick or in pain!). I have a good friend who is going to be there, I had always planned to have a second person there in case he couldn't cope and walked out) who I know will be supportive and I think that perhaps it is right that it is best he isn't there for the actual birth as on cold reflection he is not likely to react well to the stress of it. I think the hormones have been clouding my judgment as I generally don't believe that people behave better under stress!

I would tell him straight now that you aren't going to have him at the birth, because he behaves so callously to you about anything to do with it. Then if it really does mean the world to him to be there, as optimistic folks have suggested, he has time to think about how he's going to shape up and show you he can be supportive if he wants you to reconsider. But I would approach it that way round: default is he doesn't come in unless he shows he can be supportive.

One other thing: you seem very anxious about 'succeeding' by avoiding a section etc, and hopefully you can, but it might turn out that you have to have interventions and it's not your fault or anyone's fault, it's just what happens. Do work on not feeling like a failure if it doesn't go exactly as you hope.

Can you have someone else there as well? Maybe someone familiar with your DH and willing to tell him to pipe down if he starts saying inappropriate things? Can he be there in the room, but have a specific role to fulfill e.g. you're in charge of keeping my water topped up, you have the stopwatch and record all my contractions.

My DP isn't purposely hurtful, but he was/is pretty hopeless with dealing with major upset and anxiety. He had no idea pre-labour (was essentially basing all his predictions on American sitcoms or movies) and was actually pretty incredibly useless during my first induced labour (fell asleep at one stage when it was taking ages, but I just left him to it). It eneded in fauceps and afterwards he told me that he felt completely shell shocked by the whole experience and couldn't stop complimenting me. He was much more helpful before the 2nd labour as he had some idea of what to expect. It was a second induction so I gave him the job of counting contractions - both length of contraction as well as warning me of impending contraction based on times. He actually found that to be a fulfilling role and it helped me enormously. At the end, in the pushing stage, he had no idea what to do. Thankfully we had a MW who gave him instruction... "get in there and put your arms around her"... which he obeyed. He said he needed her to tell him that as he had no idea whether he could/should do anything (and I wasn't up to thinking for him as well as me).

I also think you need to have a frank discussion about what you expect/need him to do and what won't be tolerated/forgiven. Maybe agree with him that you may just request that he wait outside.

Hope it all goes well OP.