Don't want my husband at the birth

[Ada1901]

I don't know what to do as I think I don't want my husband at the birth (in about 3 weeks) and he wants to be there. The reasons I don't want him there include:

He is perhaps the least empathetic person I know and is dreadful at dealing with other people's pain - if I am in pain he is almost the last person I want anywhere near me.

We went through years of infertility/ fertility treatment and miscarriages to get to this point and nearly divorced over it. I have forgiven him for his behaviour the times I miscarried but I can't forget some of the things he said. He got angry, he told me to pull myself together before the bleeding even had stopped, he told me to stop thinking about myself, he asked me three days after the second miscarriage (at 13 weeks) when I was in floods of tears how long I was going to 'carry on about it'. He was generally completely dismissive of what I went through and while clearly traumatised himself refused to acknowledge that it had any impact on him - he said it was something happening to me not him and I needed to deal with it.

Throughout this entire (difficult) pregnancy his coping mechanism has been to use 'humour' to respond to my illness and complications which I find distressing.

He has told people that his job during the birth will be to apologise to all the staff I piss off because he knows I'm going to 'carry on' like no one else. I am very anxious about the birth and the baby being OK and I am being induced due to high blood pressure in 3 weeks or so at the latest as they don't want me to go past 38 weeks. I can't envisage a scenario where his presence does anything other than increase my anxiety and with an induction in particular I feel like his presence is likely to make it less likely to succeed and that I'll wind up having a c-section. I feel like there is a fair bit of projection going on in his head about my ability to cope with things. For example he won't give blood because he is needle and blood phobic, won't take our dogs to the vet (he had to run out of the room and nearly fainted a couple of years ago when he was present when the puppy had a vaccination), and I had to arrange for our dentist to anaesthetise him so he could finally get his teeth cleaned after years of avoiding the dentist because of the apparently unbearable pain of a hygienists visit.

On the flip side maybe he would pull it together and it is the birth of his much wanted child too - I am so conflicted because rationally I think I should put myself (and therefore the baby) first and do everything possible - including keeping my husband away - to maximise my chance of a successful induction but I think if he could manage to be supportive it might go a long way to healing some of the hurt. Sorry for long rant, would love advice and to know if anyone else thought their husband would bottle it and be useless (or worse) only to be surprised??

Cherryblossoms I just can't accept that fathers have any 'right' to be present at a birth.

OP my view would be that another person that you like and trust would be far better at being there and if you don't have anyone to fit that description then the medical staff will most likely be great. It might be the moment to send a message to this man that his behaviour (which is all about him rather than things being all about you) isn't ok and if he wants to stay around he may need to alter his game. It's a shame you need to send a message but it sounds like you do. The fact of going it alone also contradicts his very unpleasant comments about your 'carrying on' like no-one else (how many births has he witnessed? ).

FWIW I had all my DC with only the medical team and it was infinitely better than having someone else there even though on four occasions there were problems, a couple very significant. The midwives really are very supportive and you can concentrate on the job in hand, not other people, for a rare moment in life. You'll be fine I'm sure. Good luck.

The father / partner of the woman does not have any right to be in the labour. My grandfather was a wonderful hands on father according to my mum and yet he never saw them come out!
I sent h home as he was annoying me when I was in labour with ds2 - no regrets. He has still bonded.

I really feel for you op

I too don't think dps and dhs have any 'right' to be at the birth. I agree with pps who have suggested having there- your mum/sister/friend, then your DH.

ive only seen a few episodes of OBEM and some of the men I have seen on there should have just stayed at home with a takeaway!

The way he has been in the past is horrible too, I would use the needle phobia thing and suggest he is better off maybe waiting outside the room when things hot up? Make sure he has food/ drink to occupy him and some money maybe to sit in the hospital canteen.

I have a feeling you will have no trouble getting rid of him during the birth if he is being a prick.

YANBU to not want him here but speaking from experience you need to cut him some slack about the needle phobia. I have one and it's debilitating. I had to have an operation some time ago and my level of anxiety was such that I was referred for counselling on the NHS.

The thing is, if he's not there he'll never see how strong you are to get this baby out into the world.

If he starts with all the passive aggressive apologies to the midwife about you 'making a fuss' they will think he's a bit of a dick. If he faints when things get a bit messy no one is going to tip toe around him, you and the baby are the most important thing at this time. He'll be probably sent out of the room. If he starts really pissing you off, tell him so and tell him to leave the room; the midwife should support you in this. Stipulate it in the birth plan, for what they're worth.

BUT, like others have said, get yourself an extra support person in there with you to mediate your wants and needs.

I would give him ONE chance to be there, as he says he wants to be. If he stresses you out in any way, he leaves, he's fucked his chance to be there. And if you choose not to have there, or to kick him out the room because he's being a dick, don't let him pull any crap later on about him not being able to bond with the baby, and therefore, can't do any night feeds, nappy changes etc.; it's his responsibility to pull his shit together after messing up the chance to be at the birth of his child.

He sounds awful. But if I were you I'd be employing a doula and having him there with rules (eg. Keep out the way and shut up) and you show him what a strong woman you are.
I can't help feeling that if he's not there he'll never believe how amazing you are going to be.

OP I've read your update and am glad you have someone else with you too.
I don't want to internet diagnose but has your H ever considered he might have PTSD or something like that? It sounds like he has been through a horrific ordeal. I know someone who went through something similar-ish and they had PTSD which counselling really helped them with to sort of reprogramme their reactions to stuff. I'm not saying 'oh poor him here's an excuse to be a cunt' - but it is something to think about getting 'fixed' maybe?

Best of luck and as you are pregnant here is some

Words fail me

Agree with Tendon - the default should be hat he won't be there unless he can be supportive. And that starts by stfu about "apologising" to staff

Seriously, despite the background info you've given, he still sounds like a right cunt

he sounds awful but as your already pregnant, Could you turn it around on him? say "you're not going to behave how u normally do are you?" gage his reaction

I didn't have my husband with me for either of my births, the first because he was in a different cou ntry at the time and the second because we decided it was best if he stayed with our eldest. He really would have been worse than useless, he doesn't cope with anyone in pain well either. He isn't as bad as your husband sounds but I was much happier to have my mum with me.

Just explain to him that it would make you too stressed to have him there.

Do you have support ready for after the birth? He doesn't sound like he will be much help when you're sleep deprived/hormonal/physically recovering/baby blues etc

Ada, I've walked your path with an otherwise lovely husband behaving shittily in times of IVF and MC stress. It nearly broke us up and then I went to counselling which helped me see that his reactions were not aimed at me per se, but were his (shitty) way of coping. I stopped feeling so angry with him after that. You sound like you don't need the 600 euro worth of counselling to get to that, you have your husband sussed.

That doesn't solve your dilemma though. I've only given birth once ( and DH was utterly fantastic for it, having had stern warnings of expected behaviour beforehand) so maybe others will have better ideas but could you maybe have a very nice friend to be your birth partner while you're labouring and then allow your DH to come in at the end for the actual birth? He wouldn't need to miss the joy of seeing his child born but wouldn't be around to annoy you while you're going through the slow it. While I totally agree that he doesn't have the right to be there, it's a wonderful moment for a couple, especially when you've battled to get to this point, and it would be lovely to share it with him. My DH blubbered when ds was born, the first time I ever saw him cry.

You absolutely NEED someone who is totally on your side. At one point in my labour, while I was naked on the bed and exhausted from pushing and yet another person came into the room to get supplies from a cupboard in the room, my DH ROARED at them "Can't you see my wife is trying to get a baby out of her and you keep coming in here? Will you please go and don't come back?" He was my total hero at that moment because it was really bothering me but I hadn't the strength to make the words myself. That's what you want, someone who will fight the dragons for you, not apologise to them!

Don't stress about this, it will all come right in the end and you'll have your beautiful baby in your arms before you know it.

And PS, my DH is a fantastic dad (and annoyingly very sympathetic to our children when they're sick!!!)

You have to do what's best for you

I have 5DCs with the 6th due in 4 weeks and my DH has been at none of the births. Partly for cultural reasons and partly because I didn't want him to see me in that situation. I didn't have anyone with me - just medical staff.

For the first DC, DH was outside and saw us once all cleaned up and for subsequent births he has been much more useful looking after the DCs.

It obviously depends on the individual - i am quite a private person and just want to go in and have my baby delivered by professionals and then be with my DH and DCs - I have no other family to help out and wouldn't want a friend with me. I must say that on all occasions, the medical staff have been wonderful and so supportive and I don't think my DH would have added anything x

I think most things have been covered, but one other point comes to mind:

Do you have a plan for if/when your child is sick or in pain? If he is that bad at coping with illness, I have a pretty awful image of a small child being told to pull him/herself together and stop carrying on whilst having chickenpox/d&v/injuries from childhood play/etc.

Those are exactly my thoughts too Andro

he sounds like a crap husband.
i'd be worried he'll make a crap dad too but i guess it's too late now.

Show your midwife this post - she will not want him there. Midwives are great (if very busy) people, but can be dragons.

Any health care professional would tell you, the point of the father being there is to support the mother and make it easier for her. If he is not going to do that, then he is an unnecessary hinderance.

When you say "he wants to be there", have you discussed with him in detail which actual parts he wants to be there for? I'm guessing that it's the first moments with baby that he wants to be there for, not the actual labour. Could you start from that point to minimise his involvement until the baby has actually arrived?

time for a grown up talk?

OK, he doesn't have to be at the birth. You'll have plenty of professional help for that. But your child (and you) will be sick and will be in pain at many points in the future. You will need his help. He needs to talk over his issues with you and you need to pull as a team.

he doesn't have to give blood and it isn't essential to have pets. But it is essential to face your fears when you become a parent because you become responsible for another life.

Not only should he not be at the birth, but he shouldn't be around for the first six months at least. It's not just the birth - it's getting used to having a new baby which is incredibly emotional and unsettling at the best of times and, having had a relatively traumatic birth after a good few years of infertility treatment, can be really tricky. You need to ensure you have some other support around you. Do you have family nearby?

Giving birth is not a joke. It's probably going to be the most physically and emotionally demanding experience of your life. Having a passive-aggressive, emotionally handicapped man-child with the empathy of a dead shark could make this pretty traumatic for you. If he fucks this up, I suspect it could be the beginning of the end for your relationship. Just consider that before you take that risk.

id fucking dump him, 3 weeks before the birth or not. He sounds like an albatross round your neck rather than someone who supports you and improves your life