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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WWUD? DS doesn't want to come on holiday with us.

81 replies

Nonplussedmum · 07/07/2015 22:18

Next year we going away to stay with friends who live on a tropical paradise, stopping over for three days in a famous city on the way but DS2 who will be 18 by then doesn't want to come because he thinks one of our friends is very bossy and will over organise us and because we're staying in her house we won't be able to say no to her plans (she's already planning our itinerary). She is very kind and excited we're coming but she is bossy, I think (maybe erroneously) that I can be honest and say we don't want to do a whistle stop tour of every attraction on her beautiful island and all the other islands/countries in 12 days we're there.
I'm about to book the flights DH thinks I should just book a ticket for DS2 and once he's there he'll enjoy it I'm not so sure. But I do think he's mad to turn down such an amazing holiday. DS2 is very well travelled in Europe so perhaps a little blazay about travelling and doesn't see it as exciting I only travelled more extensively in my late 20's and never out do Europe, he's not a sulky person and there are children there of his age.
On the plus side if he doesn't come we'll fly premium economy and we'll book ourselves into a suite in one of the world best and most beautiful hotels when we stay in the city whereas if he comes it's economy class and just a normal room in the same hotel.
WWUD?

OP posts:

diddl · 08/07/2015 08:10

Well the place obviously isn't wonderful enough for him to put aside having to stay with your friend.

Do you have to stay with her rather than just visit her for a couple of days?

Anyone else curious as to where this tropical paradise & famous city is?

MadameJosephine · 08/07/2015 08:13

I am on holiday at the moment without 18 year old DS. I offered to take him anywhere he wanted as a last family holiday before he left for Uni but he declined as it's more important to him to spend the summer with his mates so we are in legoland with his younger sister instead. Disappointing but it is a fact of life, your little boy is all grown up

19lottie82 · 08/07/2015 08:35

At that age I would have preferred an empty house than going on holiday with my parents. sorry.

What's the problem, he will be 18? He doesn't want to go?

diddl · 08/07/2015 08:44

We've just been away with our two, 17 & 19.

But it was somewhere we all wanted to go to & we rented a house.

They did come out with us everyday as well.

They must love LA us!!

cathcustard · 08/07/2015 08:50

It's a bit when they don't want to come with us any more.
My DSs are coming this summer because it's somewhere they want to go to and we're paying but I think it'll probably be the last time.

My feeling is that later on when they're older they might change their minds and in the meantime our holiday budget will mean more for us in the next few years.

muminhants1 · 08/07/2015 08:53

Anyone else curious as to where this tropical paradise & famous city is?

Guessing Singapore because of the reference to the hotel (Raffles?), and then somewhere like Bali.

Marynary · 08/07/2015 09:06

I don't think that 18 year olds are as interested in "tropical paradises" as older adults and even if they are they think (probably correctly) that they will be able to go in the future if they want.
Stop expecting him to like what you like. For him the benefits of a beautiful island don't outweigh the being in company he doesn't particularly like and being pushed around. Treat your son like an adult and don't waste your money on a flight.

DeidreChambersWhatACoincidence · 08/07/2015 09:23

You see tropical paradise and a chance to catch up with old friends. He sees itineries and being told what to do and trailing behind the oldies.

He's 18. He'll be ok at home esp as his older brother is about. Having some space and freedom from parents is the draw at that age not the location. I used to love it when my parents went on holiday and I still lived at home.

He just wants different things to you from a holiday atm. Also it won't be his only chance. He has his whole life to travel anywhere.

Having said that my dc are a little younger, but each time we go anywhere all together I'm only too aware that in a year or two there will be other places/people they'd rather see

Original poster

Nonplussedmum · 08/07/2015 17:57

Update my friend has sent me links to two places that "we simply must go to" one we'd stay at for quite a few days. I showed them to DS and he's now saying he will come after all. Frankly only an agarophobic would not be keen to see these places. He also hadn't really grasped that her DS is the same age as ours and a mad keen gamer.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 08/07/2015 17:59

make sure that he knows that if you book it including him, that he cannot later pull out

MaidOfStars · 08/07/2015 18:18

all the other islands/countries in 12 days we're there

This sounds Caribbean? Bali fits 'other Islands' but not 'other countries'.

City = NY? I don't know. You'd usually fly direct to the Caribbean.

MaidOfStars · 08/07/2015 18:20

What about LA/Hawaii? The island part still wouldn't include other countries though.

If it's Singapore/Raffles, I'd save the money on a suite. It's eyewateringly expensive and you might be glad of the spare cash

MaidOfStars · 08/07/2015 18:21

Bangkok/island hopping?

MaidOfStars · 08/07/2015 18:22

(I like holidays, can you tell? Always on the lookout for ideas)

Fishlegs · 08/07/2015 18:56

Maybe it's Sydney and Vanuatu or Fiji?

AcrossthePond55 · 08/07/2015 19:32

I'm with hormonal. My sons didn't travel with us unless they wanted to once they were 16. They stayed with my parents if they didn't want to come. They missed out on some (IMHO) fab trips, but we always figured if they regretted it later, they could go on their own once they were in a position to do so.

cathcustard · 08/07/2015 20:05

I need to know where this tropical island paradise is please.

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 08/07/2015 20:36

'He hasn't grasped her son is the same age as ours'

I'm sorry, but your talking about him like he's 10 years younger than he is. I'm sure this holiday is a fab opportunity, but he's an adult, with his own interests. If you really want him to come, you have to sell the idea if what interests him, not 'Her little Jonny has some super cool games, if you're good and come along, I'm sure he'd like to share'.

I remember my own mother getting disappointed I no longer wanted to do family trips. I can understand it, but being cajoled into it without a decent adult conversation just breeds resentment. If he's coming around to the idea now because it looks fun, fair enough. If its because your using 'mum guilt' on him, it's not fair.

MistressDeeCee · 08/07/2015 21:35

Frankly only an agarophobic would not be keen to see these places. He also hadn't really grasped that her DS is the same age as ours and a mad keen game

Im glad he's coming along now but frankly you are making him sound as if he's silly, which I am sure he isn't. He's not a baby...! Only an agrophobic?! ahem...

I hope your "you simply must go here" friend doesn't try to herd you all around to where she wants you to go. I couldnt bear to be itineraried to within an inch of my life on holiday, it would annoy me greatly. & I hope you all enjoy.

I do understand you wanting your DS to be with you on the holiday of a lifetime tho, Id feel the same but it sounds like you're on his back, that together with the bossy friend probably isn't a good mix at all. So whilst you have it all planned that he will suddenly be cool with your bossy friend, and in the peak of excitement just because she has a gamer son of the same age, just remember its a family holiday for you all to enjoy so please stop building it around your friend.

Mehitabel6 · 08/07/2015 22:40

I am glad that he is coming, as that is what you want, but you do need to see him as an adult. you are making him sound much younger.

Original poster

Nonplussedmum · 09/07/2015 09:36

Thank you for your comments they've made me think.
It's very interesting how people can make incorrect assumptions about you from just from a few posts.
Rather than failing to grasp the fact that he's an adult we're generally considered by our friends to be the sort of parents who treat our children in a very grown up way in fact we've been critisised by a couple of friends for doing this. We've cheerfully shoved them on long distance trains on their own from the age of about 9, both have full boarded fron 7, and are very independent, DS2 has regular hospital appointments (chronic condition) and from 13 has gone on his own as there is nothing to be said that he can't say and he would be considered Gillick competant. We've always let our children make their own decisions about schools, subject choices etc from an early age. Most comment on how mature or maybe even that he's too grown up.
So your interesting comments have made me wonder why I feel so differently this time? Why I'm behaving out of character (maybe DS2 also wonders this) I suppose I'm excited we're going, the end of school fees means we can now live a little more and do something different rather than the usual fortnight in Europe, I just think it's a great opportunity to travel for free (for him) somewhere amazing and it seems a shame to not take it. It's so easy to look back and regret not doing things! Interstingly he also mentioned it to a school friend who thought he was nuts not to go in fact said he'd go if DS doesn't want too maybe that made him think a bit more.

OP posts:

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 09/07/2015 10:07

We can only gather what is read on this forum, op. Language like 'children' and being coherst into trips by a bossy woman, does read like he's being treated younger than he is. He may have been 'mad' to miss this trip, but it would have been his choice to do so. You can't make him avoid regrets forever I'm afraid, and it's rude telling him he so silly for missing out, even if it is 'the trip of a lifetime'. That's for him to decided. What's exciting for you perhaps isn't at all exciting for him, just boring, away from his friends and his own plans. Anyway, he does seem to be going now, so hope the trip goes well and you all have your own fun, not just the 'fun' your friend planned.

Original poster

Nonplussedmum · 09/07/2015 11:06

Words our very interesting and how easily they give the wrong impression.
Out of interest a friend I walk my dogs with DS died at 19, 10 years ago still, overwhelmed by grief she talks about sadness and tragedy of the death of her "child" if I mention it to others and say her DS died at 19 most parents immediately say I can't think of anything worse than loosing a "child". Few I suspect would quibble with her use of this word.
Anyway thanks again all, we've booked the tickets, so we're definitely going now.

OP posts:

butterfly133 · 09/07/2015 12:32

but of course she speaks of the loss of her "child" - that's a word to describe who that person is in relation to the parent.

it was the term "children of his age" that threw me. I think "people his age" would make more sense.

then again, I must be honest and say the infantilisation of young adults is one of my pet hates. I also take language literally so when dad and I went shopping recently, I told him we should be entitled to park in a "Parent and child" space. We are parent and child after all

I hope you all have a really good holiday.

Pepperonipeteczar · 09/07/2015 12:34

Well la di da!

Leave him at home, he would probably prefer a house party or 2

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