...to want to squirt selfish people with a water spray (like you do with naughty cats)

[AlpacaPicnic]

It might be the only way to stop the bad habits!

Squirtee 1 - the woman I worked with yesterday. Two of us in the building all day. I use a spoon to make my cuppa, rinse it under the tap then put it in the drainer. She drops hers in the sink for the fairies to wash up. I counted them this morning. She used 7 spoons yesterday and didn't wash up one!

Squirtee 2 and 3 - the couple who decided to go to the cinema with their children last night, only to bicker with each other through the entire film. We deliberately chose the 9pm showing of Minions so that there would be less chance of children making noise. Their children were pretty well behaved. Parents, not so much.

Anyone to add to the list? My trigger finger is itchy...

Today I made a cuppa without asking if anyone else wanted one...
I'm over here, in the stuffy flat with the oven on!
(spritz spritz aaah)

AGENT COOPER 'when I smoked, I did it properly, i.e. all fucking day' brilliant!! You are excused squirts for a month, whatever you do!

The bloke who spent 10 mins knocking on my door and trying the lock at midnight, despite me shouting down from upstairs that he didn't live with me: he kept insisting he lived there because he had a key.
Which he did, but it was for his house, 4 doors up.

He was a little drunk.

Squirt.

Cheers, I appreciate that, dejarderoncar If anyone wants to come round and squirt my neighbours, please feel free - I think the hangover is quite bad, because their blinds were still drawn at 1pm. Wee jet of re-hydration right in the face, that's what they need!

the very annoying man at work today who asked what had happened to my face (I have a v. small birthmark under my eye)... and how I did it (umm.... by being born?!)

I'm not usually self conscious about it but he has really made me paranoid about it.

SQUIRTLE SQUIRT

ugh double post.... should add that this is the 4th time he's asked... and it's still a birthmark.....

People who chuck fag ends in the street. Especially MIL who does this and complains about littering.

People who cross the road without looking up from their phones.

People who don't pick up their dog's shit.

SQUIRTY SQUIRT SQUIRT

People who walk along emitting shit (and it is always shit) music. Get some headphones you selfish git we don't all want to listen to your gangsta rap.

Non dog poo picker uppers.

I've got an automatic watering system for the window boxes at first floor level. It's quite easy to override the timer and make them come on if drunken arsewipes are having loud sweary conversations! Doesn't do much to help with the vacant wanderers that get in one's way in shops or on pavements though...

People... fuckers.

Squirt.

Never mind water spray. I'd line all these fuckers up and then bring on the water cannon. WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH watch them fly

The twats who think they can jump the bus queue...I will call you out on it each and every time until I am old and grey

Oh, Yanniwoo that is very rude of him. I would make up a stupid answer and try and outdo myself every time. Tell him you were born with an extra eye and that's the scar from the removal. Next time tell him you were attacked by a vicious but very tiny shark...

The rude man who pushed me out of the way yesterday so he could walk past me, I was walking a little more slowly than usual due to a smear test and was feeling a little delicate. All he had to do was say excuse me and I would have moved. Squirt!

People who ignore my very polite DD when she says, "excuse me" then glare at her when she tries to pass.

I could give you a list, but it would then tempt me to want to zap them with a cattle prod....

Checkout assistants who go, "Oh hello, how are you?" I reply, "Fine thanks, and you?" Then it dawns on me that they're actually addressing the person next behind me in the queue who is obviously someone they know! SQUIRT!!!

Door hoggers at the classroom doors. MOVE ASIDE! My children need to get in! Every day it's the same.

SQUIRT SQUIRT SQUIRT

Oh and the idiots who are so unaware of people around them that they whack my kids in the face with their giant bags. DOUBLE SQUIRT

People who don't indicate. TRIPLE SQUIRT.

dog walkers who pick up the poo and leave it in the plastic bag on the path - people who stand smoking outside pubs in the middle of the pavement - I tut VERY loudly , the men at the tidy tip who just stand around not helping as I struggle to put the really heavy chairs in the skip , what are they paid for? people who park on pavements so I have to walk in the road I could go on all night SQUIRT SQUIRT SQUIRT

He was topless too so I'm adding ice cubes to my squirt bottle for extra chilly effect.

Go for sand or coarse grit instead. evil

Whichever prat it is who manages to get locked out of next door's house in the middle of the night (it's a house share) who then proceeds to knock incessantly on the window. It's not just the odd set of three knocks until they're let in, no - it's knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock until someone deigns to let them in.

Checkout woman today who licked her fingers to open the carrier bag she was about to give me.

The annoying people who push past me in the queue. JUST BECAUSE I'M SHORT IT DOESN'T MEAN I DON'T EXIST!