AIBU to insist that DP faces up to this re our family pet (long ish sorry)?

[QueenofallIsee]

DP and I have an elderly labrador dog, she was in very good health aged 11 when old age noticeably set in. DP and I were advised last year of her breast cancer (aged 13) but elected not to operate as it was unlikely to prelong her life.

She has developed a sore on her face related to the cancer. She can't walk far and continence is becoming an issue, she also has a hacking sort of cough that brings up clear bile. DP adores her, she is 'his dog'. He is flatly refusing to take her to the vet again on the basis that she is 'ok in herself'. Admittedly she doesn't seem to be in pain all the time. He is clearly afraid that they will advise putting her to sleep and really got angry with me, saying I wanted her to be put down and we were caring for her adequately, she should be loved and cared for in her old age by us, not put down which is me taking an easy option. Yes, I am a bit tired of the smell and i do feel that he is making me complicit in prolonging her life for his sake not hers but I don't want her to die! I just think we have to face facts. I have tried to bring it up again but he shuts me down each time.

WWYD, do you think IABU? I think at nearly 14 she is likely to go naturally this year but I hate seeing, smelling and hearing her like she is...

Sorry, SO many typos- hope you get the gist

I think I'd keep drilling into him that a visit to the vet will be about managing her conditions NOT a PTS.

It is unspeakably cruel to withhold all medical attention just because he is afraid the vet will enforce a PTS. They won't. They might suggest it but he can say no, and ask for help to enable her to live more comfortably.

And I don't even particularly like dogs. But I wouldn't want a poor animal suffering because the owner is afraid of one possible outcome, and won't seek help.

I would definitely take the dog to the vet and get their opinion. My cat was 19 when she was put to sleep, she had had a stroke at 16 and couldn't jump anymore. Her kidneys were also going. But, she still liked to potter about and ate well.
There comes a point though, when it is kinder to let them go.
My vet suggested it was time to euthanise when I took her in with a respitory problem. It was very quick and apart from the usual vet fear, I don't think she suffered. Animals do hide pain/distress, but I think you know when they are on their way out.
I had her for 19 years, and it was the final thing I could do for her.

MrsDV, that's exactly the scenario I was petrified of. It would have been beyond cruel, and distressing for us all. I'd never have forgiven myself.

As it was, we had a gorgeous couple of days in the garden sunning ourselves, DDog had his favourite beer and oranges, and he was pts by the vet who adored him with me and DD cuddling him and talking to him.

And I'm having a little cry now. It was sad and we still miss him, but it really was the best and kindest thing to do.

Hi Queen how's it going? Any progress?

May have been said before: you can have he vet come to your home and she could be quietly PTS in her own bed.. More expensive but might make it less traumatic all round

Just wondering how the old girl is doing now. Hope all is well x

How are you all now?

If and when he does get her euthanased, remind him that he is not killing her. Cancer is killing her. He just gets to decide when and how it happens - ie quickly, hopefully peacefully, with the people she loves. Not starting to gasp and gasp in the middle of the night when the secondary lung cancer from the original mammary tumour finally starts obliterating her last bit of functional lung tissue and she starts slowly suffocating to death(sorry to be brutal, but that's what happens. Sometimes they can pass out quickly but there's a big risk that she could have a prolonged period of panicking while she struggles for breath).
If he utters the phrase "let Nature takes its course" please point out that Nature doesn't give a fuck how long or severely animals suffer.
Good luck OP. If you haven't already done so, I second booking a consult with the vet by yourself - with video as hesterton suggests - to explain the situation and your husband's and your feelings. Then see if you can get him to bring her to the vet with you. A good vet won't make him feel "ganged up on" but will help him to realise what needs to happen in the near future, and what to do in the interim (decent pain relief for the arthritis). You can also ask about a home visit euthansia and body arrangements so the planning is in place for when the time comes.

Can he imagine knowing leaving your elderly human relative with terminal cancer and no pain relief? Knowing it was available. And how often have I heard a person in this situation say "they wouldn't make an animal suffer like I am"?

I think ultimately you just know when the time comes.

If you'd seen our last Scottie you'd have thought he'd have been better PTS. He was in the end stages of liver disease, he was shaved almost bald due to a skin condition stemming from the illness and he was thin. He could still charge around the house, eat well and take himself out for a wee. He still enjoyed a run over the field. His tail wagged constantly. He just looked pitiful.

Our vets were great and let us manage his condition, she knew it was end stage and little could be done and knew we'd make the right decisions when the time came so he didn't spend a great deal of time at the practice.

DH and I spent many an evening in tears knowing we'd have to make the decision and wondering how we could. Both of us admitted we had quietly hoped he'd pass in his sleep and take the decision out of our hands. As it was, he'd spent a lovely day eating his favourite foods and having a bit of a play when he came in out of the garden and collapsed. We knew that was the time and he went in my arms the next morning.

It isn't easy, I've done it twice now and it doesn't get any easier, but ultimately it is the kindest thing to do. Facing up to that and knowing when to do it is the hard part.

I must admit that reading your posts I too get the feeling you just want the dog PTS, rather than seeking some treatment to make her last days more manageable. It could be cause your post seems to be about your BF coming to terms with his dog dying (he's aware, otherwise he wouldn't be worried about her being PTS), instead of looking for advice on how to make his dogs final days more peaceful.

You could consider a doggy diaper to help with the mess, or confining her to a different area of the home when you're not there. The hacking cough could be the cancer having spread to her lungs but there might be something to help make the coughing easier.

Let your BF know that even if the vet suggest PTS, they can't make him do that, but maybe there's something they can do to help alleviate her suffering a little more and give advice about home respite care. Perhaps do some looking only for some at home treatments that might help. Show him you care about her comfort in her final days. You really don't want her to die with him thinking you're happy it's "finally over". Consider a photo shoot with him and his dog so he has some great photos as memories.

GERTI. So sorry for you.