AIBU to insist that DP faces up to this re our family pet (long ish sorry)?

[QueenofallIsee]

DP and I have an elderly labrador dog, she was in very good health aged 11 when old age noticeably set in. DP and I were advised last year of her breast cancer (aged 13) but elected not to operate as it was unlikely to prelong her life.

She has developed a sore on her face related to the cancer. She can't walk far and continence is becoming an issue, she also has a hacking sort of cough that brings up clear bile. DP adores her, she is 'his dog'. He is flatly refusing to take her to the vet again on the basis that she is 'ok in herself'. Admittedly she doesn't seem to be in pain all the time. He is clearly afraid that they will advise putting her to sleep and really got angry with me, saying I wanted her to be put down and we were caring for her adequately, she should be loved and cared for in her old age by us, not put down which is me taking an easy option. Yes, I am a bit tired of the smell and i do feel that he is making me complicit in prolonging her life for his sake not hers but I don't want her to die! I just think we have to face facts. I have tried to bring it up again but he shuts me down each time.

WWYD, do you think IABU? I think at nearly 14 she is likely to go naturally this year but I hate seeing, smelling and hearing her like she is...

Do you know any vets socially? Anyone that you can invite over to your home who can do an unofficial assessment of the dog?

I don't know how feasible it is to request a home visit from your vet so that they can come and do an official assessment, but your DP might be more able to cope with that since there isn't the immediate threat of the dog being pts.

I don't think I could watch an animal suffer without taking control of the situation, pushy or not. My mother died last year and I can honestly say I'd have helped her on the way if it were legal.

I do feel sorry for your DP though as some people just don't want to face death at all.

I had this problem with my mum and dad.

My elderly lab stayed with them when I married and had DD because she was blind with other health issues and happier in familiar circs. I also couldn't manage with her and newborn and they were at home most of the time for her. I still used to go and walk her every day but crutially they fed her.

When they unexpectedly had to travel abroad I looked after her full time and realised she wasn't eating and therefore not getting all her meds. I rang our vet, discussed the situation with them and they agreed it was time to let her go.

I booked the appointment for a few days after their return. When I told my mum she was so angry I was "just giving up on her because I couldn't be bothered anymore".

I gently explained that she had no pleasures in life anymore and it was cruel to keep her going. I also got our vet to speak to her and explain their recommendation. After that she calmed down and was able to say goodbye over the last few days.

Perhaps you could do something similar with your DH and get the vet on speaker phone whilst you're both there. It's a hard decision but one you have to make.

I was in a similar situation last year with our old boy. We made the decision to pts. He could have gone on a bit longer but we were all suffering, the smell was terrible he was struggling to get out to the loo, his skin was red and sore and weeping. The vet came to our house and it was very peaceful. She said she wished more people would do it before the situation gets desperate as it's far kinder to he dog.

It took me a while to come to terms with it. I spent the 2 weeks prior to it crying and really hurting. But when it was time I was fine. I got the vet to come to us though and put him down really comfortably with me cuddling him. It was such a good death that t was a total consolation

Could you film the dog moving around and take close up pictures of the facial tumour and see the vet with them? That way you are not taking his dog without permission, and at least it gives you a chance to find out what a vet might think of the situation

trouble is all these things people r suggesting will take too long. The dog wants to see a vet like yesterday.

The Sore could make the dog septic very quickly. It could be a tumour that's eaten away at the bone and will stop her ear lying and drinking properly. In this heat that's going to be a huge problem.

why is every one treading on egg shells with this man while this poor dogs face gets infected or the owners come home to find her collapsed in a pile of her own shit.

how bad does it have to get before people stop putting their feelings first or worrying about people old enough to look after them selves.

eating and drinking

A friend of mine made the decision to have his dog PTS after denying that she was in any pain for a long time. It was only when she fell down some stairs, cut herself and still didn't "appear" to be in any pain, that he realised he had to do it for her.
We had our 13yo dog PTS five years ago. She'd been incontinent of faeces for a year, but we carried on. When a tumour started growing on her leg we had to do it. DH took longer than me to realise it needed doing. It's a very hard decision

I've had animals for over 30yrs and had to make thus devious many times. Once, in the early years, I left it too long. I left an animal at the vet for two weeks while they tried to keep him alive, in the end he was pets without us there as his condition got worse. That was a real lesson for me and the only animal bring pets that I still feel guilty about. I let him suffer for too long because I was worried about upset the DC would be at losing him.

After that I made sure my DC knew that making sure their pets had a comfortable end was part of the responsibility of having them.

I have found that vets are often reluctant to advise a pet is pts - but if you ask the question "what would you do if s/he was yours?" Then you are likely to get an answer that feels right. I also firmly believe that it's better a week too soon than a day too late - who would want a beloved pet to spend 24hrs in agony? Only someone so selfish that they put their own need for the pet above the pets' wellbeing.

This decision not 'thus devious'!

With all of my animals I've known when the day was. Two of them had a slow decline and one day it was obvious that they were in significant pain. I wasn't prepared to let them suffer for a minute longer than necessary. I loved them to bits and as their owner it was my duty to alleviate their pain. If it required pts then so be it and I am happy I could do that for them.

I was going to post a longish reply but buttonmoonboots has covered everything I wanted to write.

Bear in mind that animals are very good at faking being OK, so just because she "seems OK in herself" does not mean she is (or isn't). I realise it's horrible to have to deal with the loss of a much loved pet, but the kindest and most responsible thing an owner can do is grit their teeth and deal with it. I think he should take her to the vet, for a consultation only if that is easier, but he needs to do it ASAP. As others have said, if he knows he'll bring her home maybe that will help him deal with it and, of course, when the time comes to have her PTS (because that's ultimately what will have to happen) it can always be done at home. I know it's hard, I've been there myself, but ultimately he's going to have to do the right thing and get vet advice ASAP, otherwise he's being cruel.

Without seeing the dog it is hard to say for sure, but it does sound like he's scared of having to have her put to sleep.

Hard to face up to but necessary, keeping her hanging on is just cruel. If she were a wild animal without the benefit of veterinary healthcare and humans to keep her safe and fed she would have most probably died by now.
Keeping her hanging on suffering isn't natural, fair or right.

Better a day too soon than a moment too late.

I had this with my beloved cat, years ago. The vet helped me to make the decision as he knew I'd need help "doing the right thing" when the time came.

You DH has to let his old friend go. That's all there is to it.

As a vet, I feel that from what you have written, she is suffering and will be in pain. Please don't prolong this, she needs to be seen urgently.

You need to take the lead with this as your DP is too emotionally attached to think clearly. You need to be firm with him that you both must take the dog to the vet to be seen and assessed. Be clear that you are not pushing for the dog to be PTS and that this will not be done at this visit. You will be taking the dog to see the vet and the dog will be coming home.

Once at the vet they will be able to give you a clear idea of the options whether that be subsequent treatment or suggesting PTS. If PTS is suggested by the vet then maybe your DP will accept this as it's coming from a professional and he can't continue to deny the issue. If this is the route then arrange to take your dog home for a few days so that you as a family can say your goodbyes. Alternatively it maybe that some pain management and treatment are an option.

Either way you need to take the lead and get your DP and the dog to the vet and let the professionals assess and advice.

Good luck, it's absolutely heart breaking to lose a pet.

Putting an animal to sleep is the last kindness you can give it, it's also one of the hardest decisions you will ever make. Your dh is not only being selfish but for a person claiming to love the dog so much he is also being very cruel to it. When I had both my dogs pts my dh's views were that they were both ok for a bit longer, thankfully they were my dogs and it was my decision which the vet completely agreed with. I hope you can make him see sense op.

I feel for you (and the dog!)

I was in a similar situation with our family dog last year. He was 14, riddled with arthritis and kept falling. He also has frequent periods of being unwell and had lost lots of weight. My dad could not even speak about having the dog PTS and in the end I had to practically force him to take him to the vet as he was so scared of loosing him. The vet scanned him and found a huge timour and explained he would be in pain and we had him put to sleep. I was gutted but felt a huge sense of relief that he was no longer in pain.

Hope you get sorted soon.

I wish people would not suggest that the OP should take the dog to the vet with the promise that it can then come home while her DH says goodbye . The only question here is what is the kind and ethical thing to do for the DOG - the OPs DH needs to grow up and accept his responsibility here. If the dog needs to be pts now then it's simply cruel to prolong this just so her DH can get used to the idea.

YANBU It is always about the animal and never about you. I've had animals PTS and it breaks my heart, but they don't know what's coming and they don't worry about death. As has been said animals are instinctively driven not to show pain. It really is a horrible situation to face but I think the expression It's better a week early than a day too late may be apt in this case

I think I would request a home visit tbh and be firm with the husband.

Even if being pts isn't the option atm, at least there might be things that can be done to make the animal more comfortable in the meantime.

Another vet here. Mammary vancer in dogs spreads to liver, bone and lungs. It sounds like the bike she's coughing up and the facial tumour are a sign the greats cancer has spread - this WILL be painful.
Additionally a 14 year old lab WIL have arthritis - she isn't 'stuff', she's painful, because your husband is refusing to recognise that she needs medication.

Ultimately yes she needs to be PTS. But your husband is unlikely to acknowledge this. Focus on her known painful conditions. The arthritis and spreading cancer will be painful, that pain can be managed with medication - if he loves her then he needs to take her to a vet to get her pain assessed. That at least is a step towards recognising her deteriorating health and hopefully the vet can advise as to her quality of life and start you DH on the road to recognising that he needs to make this hard decision in order to prevent her suffering.