AIBU to insist that DP faces up to this re our family pet (long ish sorry)?

[QueenofallIsee]

DP and I have an elderly labrador dog, she was in very good health aged 11 when old age noticeably set in. DP and I were advised last year of her breast cancer (aged 13) but elected not to operate as it was unlikely to prelong her life.

She has developed a sore on her face related to the cancer. She can't walk far and continence is becoming an issue, she also has a hacking sort of cough that brings up clear bile. DP adores her, she is 'his dog'. He is flatly refusing to take her to the vet again on the basis that she is 'ok in herself'. Admittedly she doesn't seem to be in pain all the time. He is clearly afraid that they will advise putting her to sleep and really got angry with me, saying I wanted her to be put down and we were caring for her adequately, she should be loved and cared for in her old age by us, not put down which is me taking an easy option. Yes, I am a bit tired of the smell and i do feel that he is making me complicit in prolonging her life for his sake not hers but I don't want her to die! I just think we have to face facts. I have tried to bring it up again but he shuts me down each time.

WWYD, do you think IABU? I think at nearly 14 she is likely to go naturally this year but I hate seeing, smelling and hearing her like she is...

Thanks all, I really needed the support to really give this another go with him..its godawful being the ono who pushes and pushes for something that is causing him pain but I know its the right thing to do.

I agree with Gobblers she needs vet but doesn't necessarily need pts, the vet won't force you to do this but would advise it if they were suffering. But it may be possible to make her comfortable for a while longer. I would try to approach this in a very sympathetic manner and don't come across too matter of fact, many people love their dog so much and they break your heart when they go .

Vets are normally very kind about it, they don't like it either. My mum's vet sent her a sympathy card when she had to have her little dog pts.

Is it about the 'seeing, smelling and hearing' an old dog, or is the dog getting by quite comfortably? You sound like you want the dog to go away as quickly as possible. She's an old dog, and you seem like you want to get rid of the dog as soon as possible.

It's an awful situation to be in. It's horrible to think you might be losing your beloved pet but as a pet owner you have to be selfless and put their best interests at heart. If my pets were suffering and close to death, I would rather have them PTS than prolong their life for just a few months for my benefit. It's heartbreaking to think about but they don't deserve to be kept alive (and in pain) just because we're too scared to say goodbye.

Good luck Queen, I think his hope for a natural death, peacefully, in her sleep is very unlikely at this stage so I hope a joint effort gets him to see past his grief. I don't think he's cruel but his fear is clouding his judgement.

Midnite, its really not that I don't want to deal with her, I was trying to be honest and say that its not ideal but also that I don't think that is what is driving my thinking. I am worried about the sore in this weather, she sometimes falls when going outside (there is a bit of a step). DP is thinking its me wanting not to be bothered with her, I don't think its that but am interested in that it seems that way to an outsider.

Not being able to walk and incontinence are not necessarily inevitable results of age, both could well be manageable with medication and he's doing her a huge huge disservice by denying her medical treatment.

If he didn't know it was the right thing to do and the only kind choice to make he'd not be so afraid of taking her.

He k ow s. He's just not ready to accept it yet. but that shouldn't be the poor dogs problem. and animals hide their pain. they literally keep going until they drop.

This sounds no life for the poor thing and I'm afraid I'd he taking the dog on my own because being yelled at or not spoken to is still preferable to watching an animal suffer

he should never have got a dog in the first place if he wasn't prepared to have to make this decision one day.

I'm so sorry

I have just been through exactly the same thing unfortunately. My DP had a GSD when I met him, a very large, active, bouncy, lovely dog. He had pretty good health all his life, then a few months ago he started to dribble wee all the time (he was 12). The vet gave him antibiotics which didn't do anything to help. Then over a few more weeks, the dribbling turned into full on incontinence. DP was in total denial. I kept saying 'it's not fair on the dog, he is lying in his own wee all the time, he's trying to lick it up, he just looks so miserable', but DP didn't want to get the vet out again because 'he was alright in himself' and apparently the only reason I was saying anything was because 'I was sick of cleaning up after him all the time'. Of course, I was sick of it, but I knew the dog wasn't happy!

A few more weeks went by, and things obviously didn't improve, so we got the vet out again, who gave him more anti-b's, but said that if they didn't work, it was more than likely a tumour, or damage to his nervous system, in which case it would be very expensive treatment which may or may not work.

Fast forward to last weekend, he went downhill very fast. His back legs went and he was struggling so much, it was heartbreaking to see. At that point DP did the right thing. It was just so sad.

After an emergency vet botched putting him to sleep on the Sunday (that's a whole different thread), we got our regular vet out on Monday who assisted him to go. It was very upsetting for us, but he just slipped away.

I think if your DP is anything like mine, he will just realize, hopefully sooner rather than later that it is the kindest thing to do. DP wanted to hang onto the old boy as long as he could, and in a way, I did too, but it wasn't fair on the dog.

Big unmumnetty hugs to you both, its such a hard decision to make x

Oh and for those who asked she eats well, she heaves herself up when we get home to welcome us, she can smell chicken at 100 paces and still plays with the cat though not as much as she did! Along with that is accidently weeing/pooing almost without noticing, falling over sometimes as her back legs are wobbly, the cough and the sore which bleeds and weeps. All I want is him to take her to the vet. I am 100% sure his reluctance is to do with the possibility that they will advise PTS

Wow zero, it is almost exactly the same situation, thanks for sharing that.

She isnt ok in herself though a sore on her face cant control her toileting and unable to get about poor old girl I know its hard for him but she really needs to see a vet asap dogs will hide discomfort I am not sure what other evidence he needs to realise how ill she is. Could you just take her then the decision isnt his and tell him what the vet says it is heartbreaking though

It is isn't it. And our dog's appetite was still pretty good even towards the end.. Just try and talk him into seeing the vet x

As others have already said the vet will not demand that the dog must be PTS but they could advise medication to make dog more comfortable.
The vet can also explain the signs to look for that mean your dog is in pain. Animals do not show pain the way we do, explain this to your DH and tell him that if he cares about his dog he will take advice from vet.
Failing that I would take the dog to the vet yourself to get advice and medication, its unfair to the poor dog to have to wait. It's a difficult situation but it's our responsibility as pet owners to do what is best for them.

When I thought my Persian cat needed to be put to sleep, I agonised over taking him to the vet for DAYS.

He'd lost a lot of weight and was painfully thin and whilst he was eating as normal, he was drinking more than he should and the ringworm he had always had (since I adopted him from a rescue center 8 years previous) was getting worse so he didn't have much fur... however he didn't seem in pain.

I had a whole conversation planned in my head about 'convincing' the vet as to why I had brought my cat to the vet and was still worried about the vet telling me I was overreacting, that I was cruel and a bad pet owner.

As it turned out, the vet took one look at him and said 'It looks like he's going into kidney failure but we'll only know if we do more tests on him' and I realised, he'd suffered enough and his quality of life wasn't great. The vet actually offered to do it there and then, but I couldn't cope with that, so agreed to pay the call out charge and a vet and nurse came to my house 2 days later - I had planned everything and for me, taking control was the biggest thing I could do to keep calm.

It's horrendous and 3 years on, I still feel some guilt - If your Husband loves the dog a lot, it's a massive headfuck to have to 'sign the death warrant' on a beloved animal. Yet it's also the kindest thing you can do if the dog's quality of life isn't good.

Persian, my DP is wracked with guilt about "putting him to death" as he calls it. It's a bloody horrendous decision to have to make. Gawd I'm filling up now, still not used to him not being around myself :(

I feel for your DH but whatever happens, do not take the dog to be put to sleep yourself like a PP said they'd do unless you want to damage your relationship.

It's heartbreaking to lose a pet however they go and it might be that your DH isn't ready to deal with what comes after.

I would never do that Rooney, it is his decision not mine. I may have to resort to an appointment without him but i would not take it on myself to decide treatment or anything more drastic

We recently had to have one of our DDogs pts. He was an Alsatian cross and his back legs went. One of our biggest worries that was he would fall badly when either we were out (and be lying there in pain), or at a time when we'd have to get him to the emergency vet (and sods law would make it the furthest practice from us).

He IS being cruel in denying access to essential medical care. Whatever his reasons for that, it's still cruelty.

The vet isn't going to snatch the dog off him and put to sleep without permission. There might be other treatments, there might be all sorts of options to keep dog going for a bit longer without the suffering, but right now there is suffering. I'm sorry DP shouted at you - that's his guilt coming out, he knows he is neglecting dog for his own selfish reasons and is taking it out on you.

Being a responsible owner means providing veterinary care when it is needed. He is badly letting his old friend down. He won't listen to logic, maybe all you can do is make him feel even more guilty about not taking to the vet, than he feels about taking to vet, if you see what I mean.

If you had a child that couldn't walk properly, had a weeping open sore on their face, kept falling over you wouldn't say 'oh well, he's eating ok so alright in himself, let's not bother with the doctor'. If this dog is part of the family and DH loves him, he needs to take responsiblity for dog's health just as you do a child's. If he'd take a child with these problems to the doctors, he needs to take a dog with these problems to the vet.

He's really very very selfish and a bad pet owner. I know I sound scathing but he's fooling himself if he thinks he loves his dog in any real sense of seeing it as a creature with it's own needs. He's only interested in what he needs from the dog. Not what the dog needs from him. Sickening to treat a loyal animal that way and you really shouldn't own animals if you can't put them first when they need it.

yy love

you wouldn't leave your child without treatment and in pain because your dp didn't like anti biotic or pain killers would you?

and the same goes for pets.

I agree with everything you said lovely and the dog deserves better than pussy footing round a grown man who would rather watch his pet suffer than treat them.

god my 8 year old would have a few things to sat about that and she's a child.

I can't imagine going behind DP's back and taking our dog to be PTS

BUT there comes a point where it is cruel to watch the dog live out it's last days in pain and I couldn't stand by and do nothing

I think there are two issues here: the first is quality of life, the second is pain. It sounds as though your dog is suffering a decrease in the first area, but is as yet relatively pain-free. Provided she isn't suffering, I think euthansia may possibly be premature, though it's hard to tell from an online post alone. However, it sounds like it is time to move into the final phase with her, of letting go and realising that her time is short.

I am a bit that she isn't being monitored by the vet. I would definitely insist on taking her in. When my cat was diagnosed with cancer, we were back and forth every two weeks checking on his weight and bloods and making sure he wasn't in any pain - there are all kinds of palliative treatments that can make them more comfortable, and not taking her in just because your DP is frightened of what the vet will say isn't on, really. If he loves her, he needs to take care of her in her last few weeks. Yes, it can be expensive, but they deserve it.

My cat slowed down a lot and became gradually quieter, but he was still enjoying life and food and cuddles right up to the last day. He suddenly moved into the bathroom, and sat on the cool tile floor, and looked at me and I could tell he was in discomfort and misery. It was obvious that it was time to say goodbye, and I rang the vet immediately, but it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I'm still not over it, to be honest.

My 9 year old was there when we had to take his hamster to the vet and the vet said putting to sleep was the kindest option. 9 year old was brave enough to agree and hold hamster while the injection was done, with a few tears at the time and a lot of tears later. But he knew that it was the right thing to do, however upsetting.

How can a grown man be weaker than a 9 year old boy? How can a 9 year old boy be wiser and more compassionate than a grown man?