To think that a career / work is not the be all and end all

[Cantz]

I am 38 now, no children and I haven't worked a job since I was 29 and even the it was just part time. My husband works but I don't I have a blog that makes a little money and I sell some art work which brings in something but I don't have a career or a job I am mostly at home cooking, gardening and doing my own thing. It works for us and we are happy after 21 years together.
Lots of my friends have careers some are Doctors, others work in TV or in IT and we still have plenty in common. I want these women, my friends to have what makes them happy and of that is a career then great. I absolutely support the right of a women to do what she wants with her life but I am finding more and more that for me to choose not to have a career, especially as I don't have children is a total taboo.

It often feels like there is huge pressure to go out and get a job, that you cannot be fufilled unless you are in paid employment and that worse by not working you cannot possibley be contributing to society. There are lots of ways a person can make a contribution it isn't all about money or even having kids for that matter.

Surely paid employment isn't the be all and end all?

Cantz - I liked your comment about the dignity in earning a minimum wage through hard work. Like you I think that is cultural norm fed by capitalism and necessity, rather than a truism.

However, I think you underestimate the ease at which you could re-enter the workplace and earn a living that would keep either yourself (in the event of the death of, or separation from, your husband) or both of you (should he want a role reversal). Despite your qualifications, if you have been out of the workplace that long, you would be at a significant disadvantage. I have met many graduates with post-doctoral qualifications who are earning only barely above minimum wage. You are competing against plenty of other well-qualified people who are younger, more experienced and with more contemporary workplace skills than you. I'd be wary of assuming it will be easy for you, not least because it can unwittingly make you appear as though you think lower-earners are not well qualified/clever/hard-working, which can lead to accusations of arrogance.

I'd say it's a given that everyone needs an income and sense of fulfilment. The only people who say money doesn't matter are those who have never had to suffer the experience of sitting in the dark because they can't afford the electricity, or going hungry because there wasn't enough food to feed the kids and yourself. How much money is of course different for different people, but we all need some money. You have an income provided by your H so that's one of the two needs met.

Regarding fulfilment, we all find it in different ways and thank goodness! That's what makes life so varied. Some people find it in parenthood, some people find it in career, some people find it in charity work, some people find it in art, some people find it in their favourite TV series. Doesn't matter what it is - however highbrow or frivolous - as long as you do find it. An unfulfilled person is a sad person.

Ultimately, it's each to their own. If you're comfortable with the risks of not having your own income and are achieving fulfilment with your current life, good luck to you. Enjoy your life. Why shouldn't you?

OP, how crass. I do hope you don't bollock on about this in RL.

The OP's posts all sound like one big brag from Bragger in Bragsville to me.

Mortgagewoes I really hope things improve for you.

Poundingthestreets- agree with most of your post. But I think probably for most people, fulfilment comes through a variety of experiences... Family, friends, work, hobbies...
That, I feel, is the crux of the matter. It also works well for people to remain flexible and adaptable and resilient... All very well to say 'my fulfilment comes from my work' or 'my fulfilment comes from pottering at home'- but the downside of investing all your eggs in one basket as it were, is that if you get made redundant, or in the latter case, your partner has a change of heart/ gets sick/ dies, you're kind of scuppered because you are thrown into an aspect of life you've avoided. Theres a lot of positives about knowing that youre flexible and adaptable and aren't relying on a specific life style for your fulfilment

32percent - a very valid point well made. I am in total agreement.

32 - I quite agree.

Wouldn't criticise but personally couldn't do it my conscience wouldn't let me. When I was a SAHM I felt at the end of each day I had "worked" albeit not for money. I had done all in house/admin and provided top quality childcare for two small DC. I would sit down in the evenings and felt I had achieved something.

Once they were in school I immediately starting earning (had demanding city job pre DC) - I just would feel really uncomfortable pottering about whilst DH did a job (the one we both used to do) to pay for everything. He would love to potter about too but has to go off to an office 9-7 each day. We would both love not to work and certainly don't fetishise (sp) it but sadly thats not an option for most!

I think it's great that things have worked out the way you want and are happy. You found a partner that is right for you and the future you want. It's nobody else's business how you spend your family money. And running a home can be a job even without children.

Surely the OP contributes to society in her own way (through spending).

If she is not earning and just spending, she is contributing nothing financially, just using... what her partner has generated.
(I'd really like to know if they get tax credits)

I can understand SAHP's choices, as childcare costs can offset any income they'd earn at work.
But staying at home pottering about, doing her own thing, and blogging for peanuts, it's hardly comparable. It's nice, but... really?

She might not necessarily get a "job", but she could treat her blogging and whatever she does as a business and generate sufficient income to support herself.
There are jobs about, that need to be filled and if the OP doesn't want to apply for them, then they will probably end up going to the many immigrants that come by. Who do want to work, and earn their living, but are considered as scum by many.

And running a home can be a job even without children.

Unless it's a huge mansion, no it's not.

Lweji - absolutely! I do, however, remember one woman on MN who questionned how the "school uniform admin" would get done if she went back to work, so I suspect that my idea of what can be achieved in a day might differ from others

Standards as well.
I vacuum clean every week and have a child and a cat.
The OP may need to do it every day. While blogging. Who knows?

I had a good job (£60k at 29, then I left to have children).

I enjoyed it, and was good at it.

Now I'm a SAHM. Enjoy it a lot, pretty good at it.

Life's good, I don't analyse it.

What I do find is that stuff that some seem to think of as super stressful, running the home etc, really causes me no stress at all. And it's a very well run ship here! Likewise,e at work, some people would get their underwear in a twist, but once it was broken down, it really wasn't stressful at all.

Some people love the drama.

Depends on what challenges you in life I suppose. Are you academic? Did you ever have any aspirations to do something other than you are doing?

My brain would rot if I sat at home all day and I would probably drink myself to death through boredom so work work work it is for me..... which helps pay for the wine.

I'd really hate not having some earning power, I have to say.

I could have started my post grad studies and use my savings and what my parents were prepared to lend me, but I got a part-time job.
Between finishing my studies and getting a "proper" position, I got another part-time job to pay the bills.

I am very lazy, but couldn't just potter at home.

What on earth is super stressful about running a house? Esp. if you're not adding a job and carers responsibilities into the mix and uniform admin of course which causes no end of stress and work

YANBU.

I would be incredibly happy to just potter about doing my hobbies, and even though we only have one child, life is always so much more relaxed when I am not working.

I like having my own income though, so unless I win the lottery, it's not going to happen!

I work.

I cook quite well and love it.

I tend to the garden.

I read.

I ride.

I do yoga.

I raise 2 dc.

I MN.

I doubt that many people think that a career/job is the 'be all'. For most of us it is a means to afford a house, food, clothes etc. It's definitely nice to have a job you enjoy and I take pride in mine. I think it's also important to be able to switch off and focus on the here and now still learning tho skill.

OP, if you and your dh are happy with your arrangements, then there is no issue. people live different lifestyles. It certainly is not the norm so people might react as always when other don't comply with the norm and be sceptical. You are fine in my book as long as your family supports (in this case your dh) itself through salaried work. Are you protected against a possible change i.e. do you have savings or are you employable if need be? How about pension?

OP, I'm not sure you are really taking on board the point that a lot of people are making. It's nothing to do with the inherent value of work, or peoples attitude to working or earning.

It's to do with the fact that a lot of people couldn't countenance a relationship where their DH worked 40 hours a week, and they contributed an only hour or so per day (in housework etc). Yes, you are very busy and it sounds great, but that is for you, not your DH.

I'm not suggesting you get a job, it is obviously working for you, and if your DH is happy then that's great. But people are always going to find it odd, because it is very unusual that someone would be happy to have a partner that didn't pull their weight to that extent. I can't think of anyone I've ever met that would be happy with that. And on these boards, equal leisure time is always pronounced as the ideal.

So you are not being unreasonable to live like that, if your DH is happy with it. But you are being unreasonable to expect anyone else to think it's a good idea.

It's up to you how you live your life, but it's a bit odd to say work isn't the bee all and end all, when it is your husband's work that allows you to be at home. Sounds like me that work is actually vital to your household, you just aren't the one doing it. And I say that as a SAHM.

Your way of life wouldn't work for me. I'm taking a quick lunch between patients and my morning has been sorting out problems, being useful to others and overall very satisfying. I can't really understand how you have a very fulfilling life as you don't have kids, nor care for elderly parents either but just sort of live for yourself and take from others. But we are all different so it doesn't matter if I understand or not, long as you're happy with your choice.

You don't get tax credits at 35k per year,even with children. Op has none,so def not.

Apatite';s comment live for yourself and take from others
That sums up OP's approach to life perfectly.
It's a good job we are not all like her.

Not only does Op not get tax credits but also as a HH her and DH pay more in income tax and NI than a two income family with a joint income of £35k. They pay the same in Council tax and VAT etc as everyone else. As they have no DC they do not need CB, help with childcare costs, or education or NHS services in relation to their DC. As their mortgage is almost paid off they would not be entitled to HB if DH became ill or unemployed. Depending on the level of their savings they may not even be entitled to income based JSA and only DH would be entitled to contribution based JSA as Op is not in work. Not sure how many others place such a limited liability on the current or future state.

On a personal level Op has confirmed she is paying her NI. On retirement they will have 2 individual state pensions. I assume DH also has a fairly standard work pension (10% matched contribution). The workplace pension will usually include death in service of 4x salary and critical illness cover. I assume any remaining mortgage also has similar insurance coverage. Op will be in an OK position if she is widowed. As she has no DC the state will not need to pay her widow's pension.

That just leaves the possibility of DH running off with the distracting lab assistant. As they have been married for over 20 years from their youth Op would likely receive 50% of joint assets which include an almost outright owned family home and garden and 20 years of pension contributions designed to support their joint standard of living. Op has stated she would be willing to further monetise her hobbies should the need arise and as she is already somewhat commercially active I would assume this would be entirely possible. She has also stated she is happy to take a minimum wage job and these are somewhat easier to acquire than "career" positions. Her current income does not imply an extravagant lifestyle and so I think she is not particularly exposed to the divorce demons.

Her DH seems to have been quite happy with the arrangement for the past 20 years and so I see no reason to suppose he is harbouring resentment. She has stated he enjoys his paid employment. I imagine he also enjoys coming home and not being expected to do his share of the cleaning, shopping, cooking and gardening. I imagine he also appreciates not having to fit his work and holiday and leisure time around his wife's work commitments.

Not really sure what justifies comments regarding Op's contribution or concerns for her future security tbh.