To think paedophilia isn't a daily mail invention?

[kingofshadows]

As the weather gets warmer I have already noticed various threads about where to permit children to be naked and the inevitable answers state that there 'isn't a paedophile around every corner!' (generally with a hearty 'gosh, how silly!' tone), that people who don't let their innocent children remove their clothing are ruining their childhoods and the Daily Mail readers are the ones who don't let their children run round in this state.

I have never bought a copy of the Daily Mail.

However, I do think - know - paedophiles exist.

Aibu to be sick of the insinuation that those of us who are concerned about sexual abuse of our children are hysterical daily mail readers?

NoNameDame. I did not see your post before I posted, but I agree with you too.

Tuskerfull. showing their skin will not make bad men do things to them, of course not. It may encite a bad man to to things to someone more available to him though.

I don't think we should be putting kids in burkas, no. But there is a time and place for everything, including total nudity. All societies have paedophiles, whatever their attitude to nudity. It is reported quite a lot here in Spain, although the culture I would say is more open sexually than in UK, for instance.

I agree tusker if someone catches a glimpse of my 40 year old tit whilst I am quickly getting changed ( without doing a ridiculous towel dance) good luck to them

Crumbly hope you're OK . My son is a toddler, and I worry, particularly with my last and with what just happened with one of our ranch have and our cleaner's daughter, but we have two big fierce dogs (giant breed), both of whom would fight to the death before they would ever let anyone harm a hair on DS's head and both of whom are absolutely excellent at picking up on odd behaviour. They are with us all the time, and when DS is older I will insist on him having at least one of the dogs with him at all times, which is sensible in the country we live in anyway due to predators.
I realise that's not a practical solution for a lot of folks though.

I worry about that too crumbly .I wouldn't ever leave my child alone with a boyfriend. But for how long? A year? Five years? What if we have other children? I have left him alone with my brother, and my dad, but who ever really knows anyone ? At some point you have to take the obvious safe precautions, but also trust your gut, listen to any niggling little voices in your head, be prepared to believe anything.
I also tell my child no secrets between us, but obviously as they get older it's not so straightforward!

But the point being made is that a paedophile isn't someone who happened to see a semi naked child and then suddenly turned into a paedophile. They will undoubtedly get aroused thinking about all sorts of things and once we start feeling responsible for their illness by curtailing normal child behaviour/activities then it's our children who miss out, and there will still be as many paedophiles.

I can't believe you live on a ranch stars,as an aside!

Worrying about a pervert in a bush can often distract from the very real threat posed by those close to the family.

I say that as a survivor of child sexual abuse myself.

It's incredibly sad the number of people who identify as survivors of childhood sexual abuse, even noted on this thread. I am inclined to believe that paedophilia is so common that it IS a 'normal' part of human (I won't say male or I'll get screamed at) sexual behaviour, although goodness knows why it should be.

How to tell the difference between nigglings and paranoia though? I am a very paranoid person with awful anxiety but I find myself googling things like 'signs of sexual abuse' and the like which obviously my daughter shows none. My DP and I have been together two years and just bought a house together but sometimes I just think of the times I was exposed to abuse and I cringe inside wondering if I could just be blind to it like my mother was. We are planning on ttc another baby after a recent loss. Is it possible I don't know him completely? I despair over it, as I'm sure lots of other mothers do, it's just what my anxiety has me fixated on at the moment.

If not I even managed to convince DH that a cowboy hat was a practical headwear choice, and totally not me living out tweeny Mills and Boon fantasies . Sorry OP, didn't mean to trivialise.

Crumbly that's one of the reasons we have the dogs, if they respond it isn't based on my judgement, its based on what is actually happening.

stars it is a wonderful idea, I wish I lived on a ranch to do the same but alas right now I live in a tiny pokey flat in the UK!

BishopBrennansArse
Worrying about a pervert in a bush can often distract from the very real threat posed by those close to the family"

Yes, exactly. That's been the point I have ineptly been trying to make.

The 'peedo in the bushes' stuff isn't just a distraction, it is really damaging. It's the dreadful result of the woeful 'stranger danger' approach.

It gives us all the manageable worry of a creepy looking perv. We happily go along with this because it comforts us. 'Paedophiles are weird and odd and I can spot them at the park and report them. I can post about how I always knew Rolf Harris was a wrong un'...
It's a really comforting narrative because it makes us feel we can be alert and cover our kids up and spot the peedos and all will be well.

So while we cling to this cartoonish view of how we could spot a paedophile we are rendered blind to the aimiable husband of our niece, or our BIL or the new partner who just adores the kids. Because they are not creepy park dwellers.

crumbly I should have also said sorry for your loss (and what you've been through), I've been there (multiple miscarrier) and it's a shit place to be, hope you're holding up ok . It's difficult, we're very lucky with our situation, but if we weren't in the position we were in I would just encourage DS to always be open about things, and try to trust my instinct. Regardless of paranoia, IME there's rarely smoke without fire.

Pag you can't spot them, you're right. I always felt I had pretty good instincts but this crap with our ranch hand really scared me as I completely missed it. You never do know.

What should happen is people being too worried to report or anyone like you putting it in people's minds that you should ever think twice about reporting suspicions. What next trying to deter people from reporting suspected rape as all they have is concerns and not 100% proof?
What a horrible thing to say. I'm an abuse survivor. I may have put things in a clumsy manner, but I wasn't saying don't report, or even be sure, just be aware. There is too much panic. A man taking photos of his own children isn't generally something to worry about. They were talking to him at the time and calling him Dad, so it was obvious.

I wonder whether we should try - hard though it is - to try and get some sense of proportionality about the risks and dangers our children face.

Road traffic is a big one. Traffic calming around schools would give our children more freedom to explore and mean fewer accidents.

Child poverty - which is increasing. Children are going to pretty miserable if they don't have warm clothes.

Insecure housing and overcrowding. Again this is on the increase. Not having space to play indoors as well as out makes for a lot of unhappiness.

Stuff like air pollution.

I feel that we have got very focused on a particular set of fears related to strangers who will abduct and harm our children. While at the same time there is a tendency to ignore all sorts of other things going on in society which affect the quality of our children's lives.

This isn't too trivialise abuse or to say that that there isn't a high incidence of it. But maybe some parents focus on childhood sexual abuse out of a feeling that they can if they are hyper-vigilant, protect their kids.

(But how can you protect against poverty, political changes etc etc?)

Also another sobering thought is that some of the children we are trying to protect may actually go on to be paedophiles by sheer dint of statistics. In light of this I have long believed that it's better for all of us and society as a whole if our narrative about paedophiles is less about the creep in the rain coat and more about how we all have a right to feel comfortable and not be touched in ways we do wish to be. This approach may see more people seeking help for their paedophilia.

I think something like 95% of men who abuse children were themselves abused as children, so it's a cycle. I really, really don't think it is a "normal" part of sexuality, whoever suggested that up thread.

Thinking about it, maybe men externalise abuse , hence they go on to abuse, whereas women internalise, self harm etc. I don't know, I guess the only thing is to try and end the cycle.

Another reason why we really need to drive home the 'no one is allowed to touch you in a way that makes you uncomfortable' is when you consider how many of our sons and daughters go on to experience abuse, or commit abuse within their most intimate relationships. It's a travesty which has far reaching consequences for society beyond the individual.

I think they meant normal as in something that has always been with us and not a new thing, like rape and so on. Certainly not normal as in any way acceptable and certainly by something we can work to greatly reduce through education and so on.

All good points you make headinhands.

100% agree with headinhands and the no uncomfortable touching message, we're trying to instill from an early age in toddler DS a "your body, your rules" philosophy, and that your body is not a tool to please others with, hence we never make him hug anyone unless he wants to/ sit on anyone's knee, that sort of thing.

IfNotNowThenWhen, it was me who mentioned about Paedophilia being considered part of a spectrum of normal male sexuality by some academics, it certainly isn't my opinion but rather it does highlight how many men have some tendency to have sexual interest in children and that means from all age groups and I believe that it includes attraction to young teenage girls which is not strictly Paedophilia but rather Ephebophilia not that it makes it any better. I am sure lots of men even our male friends and family members can be attracted to young teenage girls the differance is they don't act on it.

I am not sure if the 95% statistic is correct in regards to peadophilic tendencys but perhaps those that actually act on those feelings may be those who were themselves abused.

My DC are grown up now and I have DGC. Unfortunately these scum have always existed and always will. It is how as a society we react to it. I'd hang every last one of the fuckers
When DC were little we on the beach on a packed, hot day, lots of toddlers naked etc...I was watching and playing with them and didn't really take notice of anyone else until there was a lot of shouting. 3 dads had grabbed a bloke who was taking photos of their naked tots...they took him for a 'swim' and his camera was opened film removed and dunked in the sea. Others called the police, he was dragged off soggy in handcuffs.