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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect BIL to attend Christening?

102 replies

Pinkcatgirl · 02/07/2015 15:09

My DS is being christened in a few months, and my sister is one of his Godmothers. Her husband is refusing to come to the christening as apparently he "doesn't believe in it". He and my sister got married in church 7 years ago, and attended church weddings (inc mine) so this is a recent thing. I don't mind if he doesn't join in the vows about prayer etc just as I wouldn't if I attended a wedding of another faith, but I'd still go.

He's entitled to his views but I find it odd that he's not coming to his nephew's christening, especially when his wife has an important role. They v sadly don't have children, which may be part of the reason for his non attendance, but my sister will find it far harder to deal with all the "when will you have kids?" prying questions on her own, I'd be seriously unimpressed if my DH did this to me!

He also didn't attend my DD christening 2 yrs ago, apparently he had a cold. Bit annoyed then as it was a sit down meal and we'd already paid for it / had seating plan etc.

OP posts:
Pepperpot99 · 03/07/2015 09:36

YANBU. Your BIL sounds like a miserable old git. So what if he is not a Christian - what does he think will happen to him if he sets foot in a church?
I'd accept he isn't coming and be grateful for the small saving on the meal he won't be eating.

DH and I are Christians but through our friends and children we've been to Batmizvahs, Jewish weddings, humanist funerals....and guess what? they were A) nice and B) Nothing EVIL happened.

It's called being open minded and tolerant.

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 03/07/2015 09:41

It's also 'open minded and tolerant' to allow a person to make up their own mind about these things, whether it's a bil not wanting to attend, or a child who grows up to make up their own mind about being involved in organzied religion. No sane person thinks they will walk into church and be 'tainted' in some way, for goodness sake. They just don't agree with something, any other time in life it wouldn't matter. The sister will be there, he gets a day to himself, no one gets harmed in the process. Win, win, win.

Pepperpot99 · 03/07/2015 09:44

Actually, by snubbing his SIL and his nephew just because he does not share their religion he is being spectacularly intolerant and selfish.

AccordingToOurRecords · 03/07/2015 09:46

Expectation leads to disappointment .

I never expect and am rarely disappointed. Try it, it's great.????

Jux · 03/07/2015 09:56

My very very Catholic family only ever have two Godparents per child. There is one who had 3 but that was for a very exceptional reason.

I was thinking the untrammelled excess of Godparents in this case must be CofE Grin

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 03/07/2015 10:03

Ok, I have been educated. I don't know my godparents, may not even have any. One sibling just has the one godmother. My other sibling certainly had none - our mother had the vicar/pastor around one afternoon, dropped some water on them, just me, mother, sibling and supposed man of God....

And it's not about 'not sharing' their religion. Many people absolutely disagree with baptism, myself included. Better not to go, than be a miserable person all day.

Bogeyface · 03/07/2015 12:31

I think the OP referring to the 5 other Godparents means 3 for the eldest child and 3 (SIL+2) for this child.

Traditionally in CoE christenings you have two Godmothers and a Godfather for a girl and two Godfathers and a Godmother for a boy. Mine are my aunt, my mums best friend and her husband.

Jux · 03/07/2015 19:24

I never knew that, Bogeyface. Thanks.

TTWK · 03/07/2015 20:12

Pepperpot99-It's called being open minded and tolerant.

You don't sound very open minded or tolerant of people who disagree with imposing religion on a child and as a matter of principle, do not wish to attend such a service.

Original poster
Pinkcatgirl · 03/07/2015 22:08

Bogeyface, spot on! 3 per child, weighted by gender.

OP posts:
DoughDoe · 03/07/2015 22:27

" imposing religion on a child"

Everyone imposes their beliefs on their children.

Astrid28 · 03/07/2015 22:37

My BIL came to our christenings and was really rude and mocking at both.

I say count yourself lucky he's not coming, he sounds like a similar breed of twit.

fredfredgeorgejnr · 03/07/2015 23:00

A religious wedding is different to a christening though, because everyone participating in the religious wedding is of an age to make their own choices about religion, a baby is not, therefore you can object to a christening whilst still attending religious weddings. It's not the church that's not agreed with, it's lack of free choice, and that is not even purely an atheist stance but there are other christian groups who also do not believe in infant baptism because it's not freely given. *

Anyway, anyone can and should decline an invite for any reason they want, and a christening just isn't an important occasion to most people. So YABU on that and no more. Expecting people to accept your invitations is always unreasonable.

  • As a complete aside, I'm sure there was a tv or radio show like the fast show but earlier where there was a character called "Anna Baptist"... Anyone remember what it was?
Jux · 03/07/2015 23:04

I do think that regardless of whether he believes or not, that not even having him at the lunch is a bit much. He misses the religious bit - OK, whatever you may think of that, you don't want him hanging about in the church sending bad thoughts (and one hopes he is polite enough not to voice his disagreement aloud - but he is part of the family, and therefore should be included in the lunch and whatever comes next. That is secular, and he can regard it as a 'welcome to the family' occasion of which he should be a part.

If you invite him, then you are letting him know that he is part of your family and is welcome within it despite his different opinion/beliefs; it shows you are all tolerant of others' stances.

Then he makes the decision whether he wants to be part of that or not;whatever his choice is you would have done the right thing.

WinterOfOurDiscountTents15 · 04/07/2015 00:30

Everyone imposes their beliefs on their children.

Yeah, but we don't all sign them up to life long membership of groups with very dodgy histories, belief systems and ritualised practices.

All those saying "oh it doesn't matter if you believe in it, you should go and be open-minded or you're selfish etc etc"....you're only saying that because you personally don't have a problem with it. You wouldn't go to any kind of ceremony simply because it was a family baby thing. If it was a satanist baptism instead of CofE, you'd probably at least have to think about it. If it was some extreme fundamentalist branch of one of the big religions, you might not want to be involved.
Everyone has their line, you're just judging people for having it in a different place to you.

TTWK · 04/07/2015 00:32

Everyone imposes their beliefs on their children.

No they don't.

SorchaN · 04/07/2015 01:35

Yeah, but we don't all sign them up to life long membership of groups with very dodgy histories, belief systems and ritualised practices.

Baptism / christening doesn't sign babies up to lifelong membership of anything (at least in the UK; I hear there are tax implications elsewhere). It doesn't force them into religion. Nothing happens at a baptism or christening that can prevent the child making his/her own decisions about religion when old enough. In fact, all mainstream Christian traditions require the child to make a decision once s/he is old enough. Anyone can walk away at any time (well, once they're old enough to walk). The same is true of Satanism, of course.

As for the OP, I think I agree with PP who think the BIL just can't be bothered to go, and that it's largely the sister's problem if he's not polite enough to engage in harmless socialising with an imaginary deity for a few hours.

Bogeyface · 04/07/2015 01:46

I think a lot of people misunderstand what baptism is.

No one is forcing anything on the child. The parents are the ones making promises, namely to bring the child up within the church, at no point is anything forced upon the child.

As an atheist who came to that viewpoint after having 3 children baptised and then obviously the following 3 not, I can say that I have no issue with baptism if it is done for the right reasons.

I didnt have my youngest 3 baptised because I as the parent was being asked to promise to bring them up within the Christian belief system. I cant and wont do that, in the same way that I cant and wont do that as part of a congregation at a baptism.

Later, if a person chooses to continue within the church, they are confirmed/become a member of the church (the wording differs depending on denomination) which is them answering for themselves.

However, I do have one big issue with "Christenings", in that it is often done by non christian, non practicing parents because its what you do and its an excuse for a party. I feel the same way about non christians marrying in church, it makes a mockery of the sincerely felt faith of those who open up their church to these people only for them to be never seen again.

sykadelic · 04/07/2015 02:17

A christening means nothing to someone who doesn't believe in God or anything like that. It's nowhere near the significance of a wedding because it really doesn't mean anything in the "real" work, just in a religious world.

It's akin to asking him attend a lecture on geology. If you're not studying it, it's just a waste of a good afternoon/morning/evening.

LassUnparalleled · 04/07/2015 02:30

I go to christenings as an atheist because I tell myself it's not about me, but fuck me I find them creepy. Something about the wording just makes me want to scream. I'd happily never go to another christening again

I don't feel as strongly as that but I do feel uncomfortable not joining in the prayers or hymns.

LucyBabs · 04/07/2015 02:41

Agree bogeyface
Both my dc are not baptised because me and dp are non practising Catholics. I can't bare to have them a part of the catholic church. DD goes to a catholic school because it is an amazing school and actually teaches about all religion and cultures.
The amount of family friends and neighbours who ask but WHY don't you just get them christened just coz you know its the done thing. It makes me sick.

Binkybix · 04/07/2015 06:18

Yes he's maybe being a bit rude but I can see why as I also loathe Christenings and would try to get out of them as far as possible. Just leave him be!

duckydinosaur · 04/07/2015 07:46

YABU! For expecting him to attend and also for indoctinating your child into religion in the first place. If you want to believe in sky fairies then fine! Why force it on your child? Let them decide in their own time if they are stupid enough to want to be religious.

TTWK · 04/07/2015 09:41

My cousin & his wife are active socialists. Very nice couple. There's every chance their kids will grow up to be socialist, as they are living in a house where those values are prevalent. Which is fine.

But if they suddenly said they were signing their baby up for Socialist Workers Party membership, and wanted me to come along to SWP HQ to celebrate his enrolment, I'd tell them where to stick it.

It would be preposterous to sign a child up to a political party or cause, and most people would agree with that. Those are decisions for individuals to make when they are old enough to do so. Religion is no different.

WinterOfOurDiscountTents15 · 04/07/2015 11:23

Those protesting are obviously not Catholics! Once you are baptised, you are Catholic for life, there is no out. You have been signed up by your parents and you can't sign out again. You can of course no believe, not attend etc, but the church has claimed you and keeps your name on their membership roles forever......